When Dawn Breaks The Night
by KirbeeDesirae
Summary: By all appearances, James Potter has been lost in the darkness of life. It has become a series of trials and annoyances, but possibly, the unrelenting presence of Lily Evans could make things different.
1. Solution

Summary: James Potter has seen only the dark side of life since he discovered a secret when he was thirteen, and since then, he has been becoming increasingly cynical until he has reached the point he could be described as misanthropic. He begins his search for the answer to questions that will change his life, and along the way he encounters a bright patch of light in his dark world, namely Lily Evans. 

Author's Note: Right now, I'm going to point out one thing. In this fanfic, Lily and James are in two different years at school, but that's just the way it's going to be, it's necessary for my plot. If you want to flame me, go ahead, it's mildly amusing, and I'm sure I'll live.

Disclaimer: I unfortunately don't own the concept of Harry Potter, of Muggles and Magicals, and all that great stuff. I'm fifteen in jobless, so if you file charges, my life will be ruined and I'll only know poverty for the rest of my existence. Have a heart.

**_When Dawn Breaks The Night_**

**__**

September 1st, 1972

_Life is weird, not at all constant, not even fair. I learned that a few years ago. You see, I had a perfectly normal existence for the first sixteen years of my life. Well, normal considering I'm a witch, but for a lot of people, that is normal. But when I started my sixth and next to last year at my school, that's when my life turned around. But it was a good sort of turn-around. I'm happy, honest-to-God, one hundred percent, genuinely happy right now. I was always a happy girl, but not the way I am now. I had a small but loving family. Now, well, my family could be accurately described as minuscule, but I'm loved thoroughly and completely by all two members. Actually, it's five, but I know in their own way those other three love me too. But right now, I'm scared, too. He is coming for them, my family, and I can't let them go. And right now, if I could have one wish, it would be for more time with them. _

**Part One- Meeting the Dawn**

_Dawn: The beginning of something; to begin to appear or develop; to come forth; to begin to be understood or felt._

_Light: brightness; illumination of a specified kind; mental illumination; spiritual inspiration; -Webster's __New World__College__ Dictionary_

_Chapter One-The Solution_

Lily Adelle Evans blindly reached out to turn off the beeping of her alarm clock. After the aggravating sound abated, she stretched and smiled, the bright dawn of September the first peeping through her east-facing window. Lily cheerfully hopped out of bed with the excitement of knowing that something special would happen today. This was guaranteed, because she would be starting her sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. However, the sixteen and one day year-old Lily didn't know how special today would turn out to be. Because today would be the first day of something even greater than what she could have imagined. Today, another chapter in her life would begin. Today...today would be the day she would look back on in the years to come, because today would be the day that the greatest and most trying obstacles in her life would start rising in front of her, but it would be the day that her most amazingly joyous moments would start appearing. And today....it was another day, a clean page to write on, free of any scribbles or stray marks, unmarred by the blackness of the world. It was today that she would start filling that page. 

When Lily emerged from the bathroom awhile later, she went to breakfast, pleased to find her older sister and her husband there.. "Good morning, Mum, Dad, Petunia, Vernon." Lily smiled, helping herself to scrambled eggs and biscotti made for her going-away breakfast. 

"Hi, sweetheart." Lily's mother, Annette, greeted while kicking the refrigerator, which had decided to stop working.

"Nettie, don't do that, you'll break it!" Robert, Annette's husband and Lily's father said frantically, jumping up to save the refrigerator. "I'll fix it later."

"Before or after you cut the grass?" Annette asked sarcastically, but a teasing smile was upon her features, pale skin and green eyes like Lily's, but black hair replaced her daughter's fiery tresses. Their eyes were very special, in the magical and Muggle world alike; the six shades of green, ranging from forest to a light sea mist, drew attention like flies to honey. "Lily, watch out for men, they're all the same. They never follow through on their promises."

"Alright, Mum. I think I'll join a convent instead."

"Very good idea, Lily." Robert piped up, a protective tone in his voice. It was easy to tell that they were father and daughter. Lily had inherited a tall stature, and his bright red hair that curled stubbornly, along with a chin that hinted at an equally-obstinate nature. The most pleasant thing she had gained from either parent, though, was Annette's ceaselessly optimistic nature, that failed to see the bad side of anything or anyone. Her cheerful personality had yet to be crushed by the not-so-happy world, for which her parents were very thankful. 

"Petunia didn't join a convent though, and I guess she turned out all right. I'm glad to note she and Vernon have finally emerged from their little love-bound pupa." Lily teased, loving to pick on her older sister. Technically speaking, though, Petunia wasn't her sister. Robert and Annette had adopted Petunia as an infant when it became clear they wouldn't be able to have children of their own. Then, four years later, by some act of God Himself, Annette had become pregnant with their miracle-child, Lily.

Petunia took the joking with good nature, turning red to match Vernon. "Just wait, little sister. I'd be willing to bet you'll never get out of a love-bound pupa once you wander into one. And then, you'll never hear the end of it from me."

"Or me" Vernon added, buttering toast. "Although, you do come up with some original material, and for that I give you kudos."

"I'm never going to be in a love-bound pupa, I'm joining a convent." Lily reminded them, and then made a face, causing her freckles to scrunch together. "Remember?"

"Lily, if you join a convent, I'll go to that weird school of years and wear one of those crazy hats that look like traffic cones." Petunia told her pointedly, knowing how dorky Lily felt wearing the hats.

"Deal?"

"Deal. However, I am _not_ spit-shaking with you. I refuse to."

"Wimp. Mum, can you braid my hair when you get done eating?" Lily asked, setting her plate and glass in the sink, hoping to avoid dish-duty.

"How do you get your hair braided at Hogwarts? Somehow, I don't see Millie agreeing to it."

  
"She doesn't. But at Hogwarts, I can use a spell. Remember, Petunia bought me a book of them in first year."

"Me being the excellent older sister I am."

"Ha ha." Lily rolled her eyes, and grabbed the last piece of biscotti before Vernon could, smiling brightly.

"You get to eat like this all the time, and me, married to Ms-I-Don't-Cook, can't even get a fourth one."

"I don't get Italian food at Hogwarts. I have to stock up now." She reminded him. "Besides, at least we know you married Petunia because you loved her, not because she can cook."

"And we know that the same thing will apply to you too." Annette said gently.

"That was below the belt, Mother. It wasn't polite of you to mention my lack of cooking skills."

"It's a recognized fact, Lils." Robert told his daughter. 

"I have a wand. I don't need to know how to cook. Besides, I'll marry some rich guy that has House-Elves, and I can sit on my bum all day doing whatever rich witches do." Lily grinned brightly at the infuriating thought that her whole family hated. 

There were a couple things that made the Evans family unique. The first was that they were a long line of proud Muggles. Having a witch pop up out of nowhere was quite a shock. The second thing was that Annette's family was Italian to the bone. Her entire family, which wasn't really very large, lived in Venice. They rarely saw them, but they talked with disgusting frequency on the phone. Raised with as many Italian traditions as English ones, Petunia and Lily were what they called Englian.

After Lily's hair got braided, her trunk and owl cage was loaded into the family car, and everyone, including Petunia, but not Vernon who had to go to work, went to see Lily off at King's Cross. Lily went through the line of hugs, then through 'I love you', 'Ti amo, innamorato' from her mother, and 'Try not to get yourself killed' from Petunia. Then, her parents had to chorus, 'send lots of owls' and Petunia said, 'Send me a letter the regular way. No owls'. This was very based, though, and not meant meanly. Petunia had been in the bird room at a zoo at feeding time once, and several birds had gotten loose, scaring a four-year old to death.

"Can do, folks." Lily hugged everyone again for good measure, and pushed her cart surreptitiously through the barrier of Platform 9 3/4. As she looked for a compartment that appeared empty, she met her best friend, Millicent Barstow, always referred to as Millie, also looking for seating. "Hey, Millie." Lily greeted. It had been much more enthusiastic yesterday at her birthday party after a month-long separation.

"Long time, no see. Where is that Diggory boy at? He can never manage to show up at the time he is needed." 

"I'm sure we can manage to put our own trunks up." 

"We tried that once, remember? It took two and a half hours when you include unpacking half the stuff in there. Which reminds me, you never did tell me why you had a tin of stale bread."

"I've told you a million times, it's biscotti, not stale bread! It's crisped, you idiot." Lily said, hitting her friend on the arm. They had by now found an empty seating space, and were eyeing the space for the trunks skeptically.

"You do realize that as soon as we get it up there, Amos will come prancing along, and say he's been talking to The Quidditch Captain." Millie spoke with such mock awe that the two girls started giggling.

"Let's just leave them out here and wait for him. If anyone asks questions, I have asthma and you, uh, have...a back condition!"

"Or we could just say we can't lift our trunks." She said dryly, and Lily rolled her eyes. They started chatting, discussing the people at Hogwarts and their summers, and weren't interrupted until they heard a shout from outside their compartment that sounded suspiciously like 'what idiots left their trunks in the middle of the floor'.

"Remember, I have asthma." Lily said, then opened the door cautiously, not sure what sort of situation she would be viewing. Then, she saw five boys in a dog pile near the trunks, her close friend Amos Diggory among them. "I'm guessing you guys tripped over our trunks?"

"Excellent observation." Was the dry comment from Remus Lupin, on the bottom of the five-man pile-up which was slowly being repaired.

"Sorry, Remus."

"If Diggory would have hurried his bum up, this wouldn't have happened." Millie said impatiently, standing in the door frame.

"Well. This looks like a situation I don't want to be in. I'll adjourn to my compartment." A person Lily knew to be James Potter said, when it was finally his turn to get up. "And might I suggest a simple levitating charm next time. I believe it was taught in first year."

Lily's jaw dropped at the blunt rudeness, from a person she didn't even know, but everybody else looked after him as if they expected it. The other boys except Amos walked after the apparently grumpy James Potter. He put their trunks up for them, and smiled brightly. Once all three had sat down in the compartment, Lily huffed. "Can you believe how rude he was?"

The others gave her a strange look. 

"What?"

"Lily, he's _always_ like that. It's his personality." Millie explained as if it was a simple concept she should have grasped long ago. 

"His personality is to be rude to everything that breathes? He acted like I was a first year!"

"He's only like that to people he doesn't know. I like him. He's the Quidditch captain, you know. And technically speaking, he was talking to you _and_ Millie."

"Gee, thanks, that makes me feel better. So that's _the_ Quidditch captain, is it?" Lily asked. "I never put the name to the face to the position." That was really a possibility, considering Lily hadn't watched a Quidditch game since the first one of the first year, having deemed it a reckless, dangerous, and ignorant game. Also, she had watched it during the time first years were still learning how to fly, a veritable nightmare for Lily, who was on the ground, screaming, or hanging off by one hand more than she was on the broom actually flying.

"You have to be the only witch in the world who doesn't like Quidditch." Amos said, it was a statement repeated at least once a week. 

"I know, I know." Lily muttered, and pulled a small book out of her pocket. 

"Oh no, Amos, she's going to ignore us now." Millie said with mock fear.

"Shut up." She groaned, throwing the book at Millie and regretting she didn't have another to hurl at Amos. Since she didn't, she had to go for a change of subject. "So, do you two have plans for Christmas yet?"

She was answered with two sets of eyes rolling to Heaven. Amos sighed. "Lily, you are the only person in the world, who starts the Christmas countdown in September, so no, we do not have plans yet. However, I'm assuming you do?"

"It's going to be a quiet, family Christmas. Nonna can't come, and nobody else is either." Lily sighed. "I'll just have to kick up my spirit a notch to make up for us."

This time she was met with groans. Nobody wanted to see her spirit kicked up a notch. Millie decided she would do the subject changing this time around. "So, since you're our source for all things academic, who's the Head Boy and Girl this year?"

Lily wrinkled her nose at the thought, feeling like a major dimwit. Of course she should have known James Potter, the other Gryffindor Prefect last year. He was the one who was always late, and last year's Head boy had 'unofficially' named him as his usurper. "James Potter and-"

"Big surprise." Millie snorted, "I could see that coming five kilometers away."

"You asked. I answered. The Head Girl is Lizzy Wilkins."

"Is she still dating Frank?" 

"I don't know. Why don't we ask the guy who's buddies with the most marvelous Quidditch captain ever, who shares a dorm with Frank?" Lily asked, raising her eyebrows at Amos.

"That's a little swervy, don't you think. I don't think it would be reliable. Besides, isn't it against the Lily Evans rule to hold grudges again people like James Potter?"

  
"You're right. It is, and I forgive him for being a rude and intolerable arse, I'm sure he has his reasons for being the way he is. I imagine he has a very hard life in his own way."

She was again met with stares, but there was no subject change again, allowing silence to fall upon the compartment. After about five minutes, it became apparent Amos was trying to work up his courage to say something, and eventually, he did. "How about I invite the Quidditch team in here?"

Millie nodded her consent, and so they turned to Lily to wait for her reaction. "Why don't you just go to them?"

"Well, I, um, I-"

"Because he wants to see if a little time around the new and very rude Head Boy could get you to shake the sweet-little-Lily shell." Millie supplied brightly, looking around, and Amos looked shocked.

"How did you know that? Lily's supposed to be the mind-reader."

"It wasn't hard to guess."

Lily, the supposed mind reader, was drumming her fingers against the arm rest in aggravation. "How many times do I have to tell you that I don't read minds," she said through gritted teeth, "I never have, and I most likely never will, and it's a great source of annoyance when you say that I do."

"Sorry." Amos said, implying he wasn't at all sorry. "So, how about it?"

"Fine," Lily said with a smile, "go ahead and invite your little Quidditch buddies in here."

"Great." He left, and when he returned, it wasn't with the whole Quidditch team as expected, but with two players and two of their friends. Lily and Millicent were forced to squish together so there would be enough room for all seven to sit down. And within seven minutes, Lily wanted to cry from sheer boredom. 

"So, Lily, how was your summer?" Remus asked, he was sitting on her other side, so they could talk without interrupting the Quidditch discussion involving Amos, Millie, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and of course, the captain, James Potter.

"Pretty good. Just the usual boring summer stuff, nothing too exciting, how about you?"

"Nothing much." He lowered his voice slightly, "I went to a clinic in Egypt for my you-know-what. It was nightmarish, trust me. Been walking backwards much lately?" 

His _you-know-what_ was actually lycanthropy. Remus and Lily shared what you could call, at best, an unusual relationship. They had met in Lily's fourth year, Remus's fifth, when she had been walking down the hall backwards after dinner and had run into him. They weren't close after that, but formed a peculiar friendship; they help each other with homework, greeted each other in passing, and were solicitous to the other, but they seldom did anything together. They didn't sit together in the Great Hall, in the class they shared they didn't even sit in the same vicinity unless they worked together on a project, they had had a total of about four real conversations, this potentially being the fourth, Lily's discovery of his condition being the second, and they _never_ asked personal questions. 

"No, I haven't felt the urge in quite some time." She answered, "You know that's an occasional thing. So far, only good has come out of it, and I don't want to test my luck."

"That might be a good plan." Lily saw his eyes light up, and turned to see the witch with the food cart outside their compartment. Her friends shot her a cautious look, and she surreptitiously put a hand over her face. 

"Anything from the cart?"

"Yes!" The boys, minus Amos, jumped up from their wedged-in spots, and flocked around the cart, happily inspecting the food. Millie and Amos turned to look at her expectantly.

"Give us the biscotti." Lily glared, and pulled out two plastic-wrapped pieces of biscotti, a gift from her mother. 

"Are you three boycotting sugar products?" Peter Pettigrew asked, setting down with his own hefty pile.

"Are you boycotting good health?' Millie snapped archly.

"This is how I reward myself for the purgatory called Quidditch practice with James Potter running it." Peter grinned, and took a huge bite of a cauldron cake to accent his point. Indeed, you couldn't tell that Peter consumed pounds of sugar with regularity.

"So, what _is_ going on with the no candy thing?" James asked, his expression was suspicious, as if their answer would undoubtedly be a remark aimed to hit him in the rear.

"It's a small sacrifice for a dear friend." Millie said this, and was promptly whacked on the arm for it, courtesy Lily Evans.

"So, do are _you_ one of those candy Nazis who only eat wheat products and gelatin?" 

"Only on weekends." Lily smiled, as if he had just asked her the time. "I'm too busy Monday through Friday setting sugar cane fields on fire, so I have to eat whatever appears at the table."

Sirius Black snorted, and his shoulders started shaking with laughter. 

"What's really going on?" 

"Is it any of your business?" Millie questioned sweetly.

"Excuse me for my curiosity. I didn't realize it would be such a problem."

For the second time in James Potter's presence, Lily's eyes widened, this time at the incredible coldness that he gave off. Within the time it took to say that one statement, his face had completely closed off any emotion, and his eyes took on the appearance of uncarved granite, and his jaw was firmly set. Silence reigned, being conquered only by the crunching of various sugar products. 

Finally, Lily had had enough. "I'm allergic to peanuts."

"What?" Sirius asked, not spotting the sudden relevance.

"I'm allergic to peanuts. That's why we didn't get anything off the cart." Awareness dawned in three sets of eyes, but the hazel ones remained cold and unmoved. "Please excuse me." Lily stood up, and when she had her hand on the door, she turned with a little smile. "Peter, you have frosting on your face."

"It looked good there, right?" He asked with a pleasant grin, wiping it away. 

"In a toddler-ish sort of way, it looked kind of cute." Lily assured him, and walked out of the compartment to find a couple Ravenclaw acquaintances.

"Well, the party left, so we can too." Remus decided, hoping to get out of the uncomfortable atmosphere soon. James usually had the decency to be alone before he completely shut down, but apparently the time with his parents had made that shut down point come more quickly. 

For the faintest fraction of a second, there looked to be a spark of amusement, no doubt based on cruel derision, but it proved something Remus and Peter had wondered for some time; James Byron Potter XXIV did indeed have emotions when he froze up. Whether it was stoicism or a defense mechanism, very few people had realistic dreams of finding out, but the ability to completely cut all emotional displays off was a trait of James everyone knew about, and the majority didn't question.

Once they were in the corridor, Sirius turned to James, and merely raised his eyebrows, and it was understood there would be quite a conversation in the boys' dormitory that night. The four boys sat in the Head Students' compartment, which was, at the moment, free from the Head Girl. 

"Play any Quidditch this summer, Pete?" James asked lazily, looking for all the world as if nothing was unusual.

"Dumb question, Potter." Peter returned, green eyes sparkling. "My mum had to drag me off the pitch every night. My ears are sore from it." 

"They're getting ready for one of their Quidditch talks." Sirius warned Remus, "Just look, they've both got that expression, they're all set for the long haul."

"We keep Gryffindor afloat, Padfoot, we have to be preoccupied with Quidditch." James answered, turning back to his star keeper and buddy, Peter Pettigrew, who happened to have a rich daddy with a Quidditch pitch all of his own up in Scotland. James personally adored Patrick Pettigrew because of that thoughtful purchase, which gave him a much-needed break from his rather _colorful_ parents. "However, we also have to keep the...humorous side of the castle in gear. Quidditch can be put on hold temporarily."

"Now we're talking." Sirius rubbed his hands together greedily, and the four leaned towards each other to begin plotting.

*~*~*

_Yadda__ Yadda Yadda Blah Blah Blah._James Potter drummed his fingers against the table in boredom, wondering how long it could possibly take for any one person to go over the new rules and restricted items. Like anybody actually paid attention to that. He snorted out loud at that thought, and his friends looked at him, probably thinking he had finally lost what remained of his mind after a rather distressing childhood.

"-Eat up!"

"Maybe there is actually a god." 

"Rough summer?' Remus asked, and received an eye-roll.

"You could say that. If I was...if I was in the place my..." James trailed off dully, and that pretty much summed up the situation for his friends.

"So, what tune will we be singing to this year? It must be our best and greatest." Peter said, wisely changing the subject.

"My vote's for 'God Save The Minister'." Sirius suggested, and it was unanimous. After a very filling dinner, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore stood up with a quirky smile.

"Let us now sing the song of Hogwarts. Any tune is acceptable."

Most people now started scrambling to choose a tune with a friend. Millicent went with 'Happy Birthday', Amos sang to the tune of 'Hat Over Robes', the newest song from Taran Venecia. Lily, being the Christmas-loving girl she was, went with 'Silver Bells', which, unfortunately, left her and her awful singing voice as one of the stragglers. 

_Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,_

_Teach us something please,_

_Whether we be old and bald_

_Or young with scabby knees,_

_Our heads could do with filling_

_With some interesting stuff,_

_For now they're bare and full of air,_

_Dead flies and bits of fluff,_

_So teach us things worth knowing,_

_Bring back what we've forgot,_

_Just do your best, we'll do the rest,_

_And learn until our brains all rot._

Lily burst into giggles when she was done, noticing her friends looking appalled. "Did I improve over the summer?"

"You might have hit a few notes." Millicent said, looking like she wanted to erase the past three minutes from her audio memory.

And by now, only the Marauders, singing to 'God Save The Minister' or 'God Save The Queen' as it was known to Muggle-borns, were left. "-allllllllll roooooo-oooooootttt!" 

"Bravo, bravo! I believe we have future stars in the halls of Hogwarts this year." Dumbledore said kindly, clapping his hands. "Now, off to bed students! Prefects, you will find the password to your house in your pocket."

Lily reached into her pocket, and as promised, discovered a small slip of parchment with the word 'Queerditch Marsh'. "That's my call." She said to Millicent, and started towards the first years. Since the Head Boy was from Gryffindor, she was the only Prefect, and thinking it was a nice thought, she walked over to James Potter. "Do you want to lead the first years since it's your last year?"

  
"No, I'm sure you'll do an admirable job." 

"I sure do hope you get the burr off your butt soon." Lily smiled sweetly, took a deep breath, and went to the task of guiding the new students.

Sirius and Peter were snickering at James. "Shut up." James stalked off, in a direction that wasn't of Gryffindor Tower.

"This is too good." Remus decided, allowing laughter to break free.

"So who's going to let the Head Boy in tonight?" Peter asked, looking between Sirius and Remus.

"Not me." They both said at the same time, and looked at Peter. They ended up on an amicable agreement; none of them would. However, this plan didn't get put to use, to their severe disappointment, James was on their heels as they went through the portrait hole.

"Where did you fly off to?" Peter asked.

"You will be incredibly pleased to note that Quidditch practice is next Thursday at six p.m. for all old Quidditch players. We'll assess the team, see what we need."

"You booked the pitch our first day back?" Sirius asked in disbelief.

"Sure did. Daddy wouldn't like me to captain a losing team. It would _disgrace_ the _family _name." James said mockingly, face curled in disgust. 

"Well. I see we have the whole summer to work off." Remus sighed, and started toward the boys' staircase. James made a face behind his friend's back, but followed anyway. Making as much noise as wizardly possible, he slammed into his dormitory, and ripped night clothes from his trunk, cursing whoever happened to be in the bathroom.

"I believe you're getting to the point you need anger management classes." Peter said philosophically, "This started out as the rolling of the eyes in third year, and it has now progressed to-" He paused while he rolled onto the floor for safety, "-aggression and surly cursing."

"Okay, Prongs, enough of your temper fit, put your wand down, and calmly wait your turn. I'm next, you know." Remus sat watching him through amber eyes that were oddly soothing. 

"I'll go use my own bloody bathroom." James stomped out, growling something unintelligible.

"Is it clear?" Sirius asked from the bathroom.

"Yep, quit hogging." The second the door was open, Remus squeezed in, leaving Sirius and Peter to discuss their friend, Frank Longbottom no doubt chatting, or uh, not chatting, with Lizzy somewhere.

"So, what are we going to do with our good buddy James?" Sirius asked Peter. Each Marauder was different from the other, but alike another in some way. Sirius looked most similar to James, both tall with black hair, except James's had an unkempt appearance, and he was thinner than Sirius. He had hazel eyes, gold glinting and swirling in brown, and a face that seemed to me made of steel, while Sirius had teddy bear eyes, and a loveable appearance, like a stray puppy. Peter was the shortest of the Marauders, but stocky, and had miraculously tidy brown hair. Remus was the tallest of their little group, even his human appearance implying a wolfishness that couldn't be tamed.

Their temperaments were what kept the four-way friendship going strong. The unbreakable cynicism that had long held James and Remus was interrupted by Sirius and Peter, two of the most disgustingly cheery people to ever walk the planet. 

"What would work with every other male human being on the planet won't work with him." Peter picked at a loose thread on his blanket. "Maybe he had a new traumatizing experience we need to learn about first."

"Maybe so." And as agreed, the second James walked in the doorway, he was bombarded by his three friends.

"So, what did you do this summer?" Sirius asked mildly as James flopped on his bed.

"The usual. I was hassled by my very dear family. I listened to my parents fight, had a revelation I didn't want from my father, drilled in the Potter way of life, and had my life ran for me for six pleasurable weeks. I can't wait until I turn eighteen; which is in ten days I might add, and I'm never going back there. Not without a very good reason anyway."

"I bet." Peter said sarcastically, and found a sneezing curse shot at him. He picked up his wand to retaliate, but it was stolen by James. 

"James, give his wand back like a good boy. Honestly, if you weren't so good at getting us out of trouble, we'd ditch you." Remus observed, and transferred the wand from James's hand to Peter's bed. 

"So, how's the lovely Willa McKinnon doing?" Sirius said loudly, breaking up the possible conflict.

"I wouldn't know. I broke up with her." James reached to close the bed curtains, but was stopped by three sounds of surprise. "Not by choice, I assure you."

"What for then?"

"The reasons for my existence don't approve of her. They claim her reputation precedes her. Like I know what that means."

"And you just broke up with her?" Peter asked in disbelief.

"It wasn't worth the trouble of arguing, and it didn't really matter that much. She didn't care either, it was an amicable break-up. And it was a month ago, I'm over it. Are we done with the interrogation, gentlemen?"

"Not quite, Potter. What's it going to take to get you out of this little mood of yours?"

  
"Proof that the human race isn't just a big bunch of rude idiots out to do each other in." James closed his curtains promptly, and the topic, and conversation as a whole, wasn't pursued.

*~*~*

In the sixth year girls' dormitory, the six inhabitants were moving back into their living space; hanging pictures, stacking magazines, setting up beauty supplies, kicking shoes underneath the bed, and crowding belongings into the bathroom. During this process, every one of them was trying to talk over the rest, creating a deafening din that could be heard in the common room. Without a doubt, the sixth years were the noisiest group of girls Hogwarts had seen in a great many years, much to the despair of the Tower occupants. 

"And he just belted it out, it was unbelievable!"

"You should have SEEN the way she yelled at him! I thought she was going to blow bloody well up!"

"The food there was absolutely to _die _for!"

"My mother nearly killed us! She crossed three lanes of traffic!"

"My neighbor had her baby! It was so adorable!"

"I fell down the freaking hill in those shoes!"

Somehow, each of the girls would have been able to tell the general concept of each others' stories, which had to be a miracle. The volume level kept getting higher and higher as they all tried to out-talk each other. They were one of the few dormitories in the school where all the occupants got along at least decently. Of course, they weren't all best buddies, but they joked with each other, and were comfortable in the dorm. Naturally, since they were girls, there were also moments of discord, sometimes extending into days of it, but that didn't happen too often. Fulfilling their first day back tradition, a seventh year came in and told them to 'pipe down or get out'.

"Just think how loud we can be next year!" Starla Mason said, sighing at the thought after she finished hanging a poster. Starla was described on first impressions as a sweet girl. By all means, she looked it; she had short, curly, dark brown hair, and a turned up girl-next-door nose. Surprisingly, she was the most daring girl in their year.

"And Lily will be Head Girl, so Professor Fletcher himself will have to come and tell us to shut up!" Millie also moaned dreamily.

"Or then again, if the Head Boy would happen to be in Gryffindor, he could just yell at us." Lily put in her two cents in, grinning in response to her roommates' glares.

"At least this year's Head Boy won't toss a fit if we're a little noisy." Starla practically beamed. "He likes trouble more than we do."

"No, he won't yell at us. He'll come up here and toss every last one of us out that window, cursing all the while." Lily said this with a pleasant smile, making it obvious she wasn't really concerned with what was obviously the truth.

"Cold treatment?" Jeanne Beach asked knowingly, having received it herself numerous times.

"Just a little. He's had a rough life, hasn't he?"

"Oh yeah, those _stacks_ of galleons in Gringott's really make his life hard. So does that _manor_ he has, along with that one vacation house. I bet being an only child absolutely _kills_ him, all that coddling, why, I couldn't handle it."

Lily winced at the sarcasm. "I was being serious, Jeanne."

"I am too."

*~*~*

"So what do you think it was that set him off?" Peter asked, walking between Sirius and Remus on their way to Divination. It was the first day of classes, in the afternoon, and James had Herbology, giving his friends the perfect opportunity to talk about him. 

"I don't know. I can only assume something happened with his parents." Sirius answered, for once not knowing what was going on with James.

"_Something happens with his parents every time he sees them, but this hasn't happened before." Remus observed, digging in his backpack for some dungbombs._

"Maybe he needs more positive influences." Peter suggested, and he and Sirius both turned to stare promptingly at Remus.

"What? I'm positive! I am!" 

"Sure you are. Keep on thinking that."

"Since you two are being so…disagreeable, I'll withhold my perfect solution for this conflict."

"Grindewald! I'm surrounded by moody idiots." Sirius groaned, and accepted the offered dungbomb to toss in a particularly fond spot of Peeves. Of course, the poltergeist couldn't smell the stench, but the plasma held it, and Peeves had an ego larger than Sirius's own, and wasn't happy when the entire population of the castle held their noses and laughed as they passed him. 

"You do realize he'll kill you someday." Peter said soberly, knowing as sure as he knew his name it would happen. A ghost and a human couldn't aggravate each other that much without consequences.

"Then I'll be a ghost and terrorize Slytherins!" Sirius said gleefully, searching his own belongings for _anything_ to throw at Peeves.

"I think I've got an idea." Remus said as they were climbing the ladder into the Divination classroom.


	2. Encounter

Disclaimer: I unfortunately don't own the concept of Harry Potter, of Muggles and Magicals, and all that great stuff. I'm fifteen and jobless, so if you file charges, my life will be ruined and I'll only know poverty for the rest of my existence. Have a heart.

*~*~*

**_Meeting The Dawn_**

**_*_**

_Chapter Two-An Encounter_

_*_

Lily walked cautiously into the library Monday night, after the first weekend back at Hogwarts, feeling rather absurd before checking in all directions like a scared rabbit. She was seconds away from retreating when she spotted him sitting behind a stack of yellowed 'Daily Prophet's as well as a smaller stack to the side of 'The Evening Prophet." Taking a deep breath for solace, she approached the table and sat across from him. "What are you doing?"

"Looking for something." James answered, without looking up for a couple minutes. When he did, he drew up his typical guarded expression. "Can I help you with something?"

"No. I'm just…here."

"For what?"

Lily shrugged. "What are you looking for that requires the January 1958 editions of the Prophet?" 

"Why are you asking questions?"

"I'm curious."

"There's your answer."

"It's a very poor one."

"It's all you are going to get." James turned back to the newspaper he was looking at, and ignored her. 

"Why are you upset with me?"

"Because you're _prying_," he snatched the paper she had picked up from her grasp, "and I don't like it when strangers pry into my personal life."

"So this is _personal_? Not academic?" Lily asked, not in the least fazed, and picked up another paper. She flipped through it for a bit, pretending not to notice his glare, and then got up, starting toward the exit. "Have a nice evening, James." Lily turned back in surprise when she heard a feral growl.

"What did you find out?" Remus asked the second she was out of the library.

"Not much. He's searching January 1958 editions of the Prophet for personal business, not academic."

"Not bad. Not bad at all." He said, pleased, "At this rate, we'll have the secret cracked in a month or so.

"I'm the optimist, not you. And I'm looking at nothing under two months." Lily sighed. "He's nuts."

  
"Aren't we all. So, what's my tutoring topic tonight?"

"How in the _world_ am I supposed to transfigure a jewelry box into a box turtle? That's Friday's lesson, and I _know_ I'm going to absolutely humiliate myself." 

*~*~*

The next night, Lily went in the library again, and found James in there again. Like last time, she sat down across from him, but she wasn't as nervous as before, there were other people in the library so he couldn't do anything too awful. She started peeling an orange. "Want half?"

James looked between her and the offered orange half skeptically before nodding. "Sure."

They sat in silence for about twenty minutes before he completely sat the papers down, and looked at her. "Why are you here again?"

"It's part of a bargain."

"_What_?"

"A mutual friend wants to know what you're up to. In return, they are helping me with transfiguration."

"You're a Prefect, you shouldn't need help in transfiguration."

"But I do. I'm awful at it, and I have to work ten times harder to make up for the lack of skill."

James narrowed his eyes in either anger or suspicion, Lily wasn't sure which. "Why didn't you lie to me?"

"What's the point? Besides, I'm also an awful liar."

"Hmmmm." He turned back to a paper. Nothing was said the rest of the time they were together, but James had more than one mouthful of words to throw at Remus that night.

"You're mad?" Remus asked, sounding surprised by the revelation.

"Yeah. Just a little."

"I figured you would enjoy her company."

"She sits there and watches me read the paper."

  
"She's an excellent judge of character."

  
"She doesn't know me, and I don't know her."

  
"She knows more than anyone gives her credit for."

  
"This isn't about her! It's about you sending her to spy on me!" James said loudly, waving his hands around.

"If you would just tell us what's going on, I would need to send a sixth year girl to spy on you!"

"Maybe I want some of my personal life to remain _private_!"

"Maybe you should learn not to carry a chip on your shoulder!"

  
"Maybe you should know what it's like to be me!"

"Maybe you should know what it's like to be an out of control wolf once a month!"

James shut up very quickly and crossed his arms. "Call her off."

"Tell me what you're doing."

"NO."

"As soon as you change your answer, I'll change mine. You'll have to excuse me, I have a Prefect to tutor."

A Quidditch wrist guard hit the door as soon as it shut behind Remus. 

*~*~*

"Hi, James, how are you doing today?" For the third day in a row, Lily joined him across the table. 

"Persistent, aren't you?"

"At times."

"What? No orange today?"

[

"Do you want one?"

James paused for a second and resisted a grin. "If you wouldn't mind."

"Here you go." Lily pulled an orange from her backpack, and laughed at his disappointed expression. "Surely you didn't think you would get rid of me that easily!"

"I hoped to."

"If you tell me what you're looking for, I'll help you look."

"I don't need help that bad."

"You're one prickly porcupine, James Potter."

"It generally keeps intruders away. Apparently I'm losing my touch."

Lily studied him while he was reading a paper. She could see what drew people to him. James was an attractive guy, but he looked irreparably lost. His entire appearance led up to that. He looked unyielding and accepting that life wasn't at all nice.

"Do you have any family here at Hogwarts?" She asked, thinking of no better conversation starter.

"Do you know of anyone else here with the name Potter?"  
  


"That doesn't necessarily mean anything."

James looked up, and again, there was an odd look on his face, "No. It doesn't mean a thing."

"What are your training classes for?" New topic. The training classes were for seventh years, and sixth years who were interested in certain professions, and it gave them them the vast majority of the preparation they needed for a career in the wizarding world. They were optional, and generally a lot of work. Of course the Head Boy would take one of these.

"Medicine."

"Which kind?" 

"Trauma. I'll do emergency surgeries and take care of people in the emergency room, but I'll also be able to handle general health needs."

Lily smiled brightly, thinking she had finally had a break through. "You sound like you really love it."

  
"I do."

"But?"

"But what?"

"I have a feeling with you there are always buts."

"I probably won't get to practice medicine for a good many years."

  
"Why?"

  
"Personal reasons that are going to remain private."

"Back to that again, eh?"

"Yes. Back to that again."

*~*~*

On the fourth day Lily grudgingly earned a small amount of respect when she walked into the library at 8:30, two hours later than usual, after James had his little Quidditch practice.

"How did you know I was here?"

"Amos and Remus." She said tiredly. After having a particularly exhausting Career-Charms class, sitting in the library was the last place she wanted to be. She made the necessary small talk for an hour that basically only filled time. She learned very little about James, he learned very little about her, and there was no mental enlightenment involved. "Goodnight, James."

"Goodnight, Lily. Don't come tomorrow night."

  
"Why not? Have you finally found what you're looking for?" 

"Tomorrow's my birthday. I'm taking a day off."

"Well then, happy birthday. How old?"

  
"Eighteen."

Lily raised her eyebrows at his older than average seventh year age.

"The Hogwarts cut off date is September first, so I had to wait an entire year."

"I see. Goodnight." By the time Lily reached her dormitory, she was royally confused. Her subject of observation was one of the more perplexing people she had ever been in acquaintance with. What's more, he was completely opposite her in just about every way possible. While he oozed cynicism and life's disappointments, Lily was about as cheerful and naive as they come. She dropped on her bed and sighed in sheer frustration. 

"Rough _meeting_?" Millie asked, insinuation flooding the question.

"You could say that."

  
"But I won't. However, I'm going to say again that this is an awful idea, Lily!" She walked over and sat at the foot of Lily's bed, drilling into her eyes. "You're not the sort of person that deals well with his sort."

  
"I deal well with everyone."

  
"For a short time, yes!" Millie wailed, "But you're spending an hour with him every night! He's not like you! You're the sort of person people like him hate!"

"Millicent." Lily paused to let her cringe at the usage of her legal name, "He is a person just like the rest of us, albeit a dark and entirely scary person, but a person. And I would like to take the opportunity to remind you that I'm doing this because I need help in Transfiguration, and if I just find out what James Potter is doing, I'll get free tutoring for the rest of the year. I don't mean to sound cold-hearted, but that's why I'm doing it."

"Lily, he's got some major problems you don't want to get involved in."

"Like what? Is he a serial killer? Rapist? Thief? Identity stealer? Kidnapper?"

"Well, no, but…he just has some problems that you don't want to get involved in."

  
"Tell me."

"I can't. It's just sort of a wizard code; you don't talk about his family. They're a dangerous set to get involved in."

"Until you tell me, I will base my actions on my own experience with him. When I deem him dangerous, I will cease my spy-like activities."

Millie scowled. "You don't understand, or you would stop them now."

  
"Let me judge for myself."

"You don't know what you're getting yourself into."

"That's right, I don't." Lily pulled clothes from her trunk.

"Where are you going?"

"The Prefect's bathroom."

"Chicken!"

"Feel free to tell me about what I'm getting myself into at any time."

*~*~*

Lily began a search that would turn out to be even more difficult than James's. Well, at least she assumed so; hers was rather fruitless, but he _had to be turning up with something. As it turned out, Millie wasn't the only witch to stick by some sort of unspoken wizarding code about the Potters. After an entire weekend of clandestine searching, the only thing that had been revealed to her was that all their great piles of gold and public fame, they were far from happy. Even this wasn't said, but Lily picked it up from the general implication of the people she spoke to. Sadly enough, Lily's biggest advancement to date would come from James himself on her fifth day of meeting him in the library_

"Back again I see."

"Of course. I can't pass up an opportunity for free Transfiguration tutoring just because you happen to be in a permanent bad mood."

James narrowed his eyes, "If I helped you with Transfiguration, would you leave me alone while I'm doing this?"

"Nope. A deal's a deal."

"Figures. In that case, you might as well do something while you're here." He scooted a stack of papers in front of her. "Look for anything about my mother, if you see her picture or any article even mentioning her, copy it into this notebook," a large scrapbook type object was held up, "along with the date."

"Alright. What's your mother's name, and what does she look like?"

James gave her an incredulous stare. "You're kidding me."

"Not at all."

  
He burst into loud laughter, looking happier than she had seen him yet. Madame Pince came bustling over after about thirty seconds, "This is a library, and as Head Boy, I would think you of all people would honor the silence it should be shrouded in."

"My apologies." James wheezed out, his eyes watering, "But she doesn't know who my mother is!"

The librarian looked at her in surprise, but let it pass. "If there's any more disturbances, you'll have to leave."

"My Lord, this is too perfect!" His head hit the table with a thump, still laughing like a maniac. "You don't _know my mother_! Are you a Muggle-born or something?"

"Yes, I would happen to be." Lily said stiffly, not particularly liking the way he said that. "If you happen to be one of the purebloods who think they're greater than God himself because of their pedigree, you just did a wonderful job of getting rid of your investigator." 

When she stood up, James immediately grabbed her wrist and indicated she should sit back down. "I didn't mean it like that. It's just that you obviously haven't lived in the wizarding world if you don't know who my mother is. And as much as I would love to sever myself from your company, I wouldn't wish to do so in such an offensive way."

"I see."

"Actually, I'd wager you don't, but we can move on." James started laughing yet again. "Her name is Emmaline. Her maiden name was Bones, here's a picture. If you see James Potter anywhere, read that to see if she's mentioned. Actually, when you se an article with him, copy it too. You know, 'copius'."

"Yes. I do know." Lily resisted the urge to kick him under the table.

"I wasn't sure. You forgot the levitating charm after all."

  
"Can it. James Potter, hmmm, I'm assuming you mean senior, your father?"

"The twenty third, let's leave it at that, okay?"

"Fine. Fine." Lily sat on that for awhile, waiting for a good opportunity to ask questions to satisfy her own curiosity. Since she was mildly scared to beard the lion in his den, she had to wait quite awhile for that opportunity.

"I'm done." James said abruptly, re-stacking the papers. "I'll walk you back to the tower. It would be a tragedy if your path was blocked. You might be stumped for a good many hours thinking up a spell."

"For someone who found sixteen articles on your stupid parents, you're being awfully rude." She said angrily, entirely fed up with the whole trunk episode.

He grinned unexpectedly, "You're the first person to agree with me about my parents. I think I like you."

"You really need some help, you know."

"So I've been told." When they reached the base of Gryffindor Tower, James said the password and waited expectantly for Lily to go in. To his surprise, she kept walking. "Er, Lily? The portrait's right there."

"I realize that."

"Then why didn't you go in?"

"I'm meeting someone."

"Oh _really_?"

"Is that so hard to believe?"

"No. Not at all. I just didn't think you would actually, well, never mind, it's none of my business, you know."

  
"Yes, I do know, but I don't generally get upset when people ask mild questions. However, when you start pestering me, I do mind."

"I see. I guess, anyway. So who are you meeting?"

"Where are you going?"

"I asked first."

"Fair enough. I'm going to go meet Barty."

James snorted, everybody knew who 'Barty' was, seeings as that there was only one 'Barty' in Hogwarts. "Seriously?"

"Yes. Now you answer."

"I'm going to the kitchens."

"How nice for you." Lily nodded, and turned off in a corridor he wasn't familiar with. She met Barty as planned at the head of the stairs leading to the Hufflepuff common room. Lily smiled, and sat next to him, giving a saluatory kiss on the cheek. "Long time no see."

"I was beginning to think you weren't going to come."

"I have yet to cancel a date without giving you advance notice." Lily informed him, turning to study him again. People were a great source of curiosity for Lily, and she was sad to think she had nearly figured Barty out. She enjoyed the enigma that was a select few; Barty wasn't among them. He was the all-around golden boy of Hufflepuff. It was his seventh year, and he excelled in most areas: he was beater on his house team, did well academically, and had a natural charm that could coerce people into doing nearly anything for him. He was a nice guy, basically.

"Point well taken." Barty observed wisely, stupidity not being one of his faults. "So how did another marvelous evening with Potter, the Hogwarts host of all things gloomy go?"

"Decently. I suppose." Lily shrugged, not exactly knowing what sort of label she would put on the experience other than 'interesting'.

"I've told you before, and I'll say it again, he's bad news, Lily."

Lily stood up abruptly, mostly in ire and frustration. "Maybe if I knew what sort of bad news the situation was, I'd stay out of it. However, nobody has deemed it appropriate for me to actually know what I'm getting myself into. So unless you're going to tell me what this big secret that only I don't know is, drop it, Barty, I'm sick of it."

Barty also stood, looking apologetic. He placed a hand on her arm to keep her from walking away in anger. "I'm sorry. But we just don't talk about it."

"Why not? How do you _know if you don't _talk_ about it? What do you do, __pass notes?"_

"You pick it up from the atmosphere."

"I'm assuming you don't mean the weather. So basically, I have to somehow wrangle an invite to the greatest castle in England so I can see what the heck the whole world knows!"

"Wrangling an invite isn't that hard if you know the right people. And I'd say Hogwarts is greater." A cool voice, belonging to the subject of their dialogue announced from behind Lily, who felt the blood flow from her face, then rush back in an embarrassed blush.

"_Why_ didn't you tell me he was behind me?" She hissed at Barty, knowing how badly this could turn out.

"This is far too interesting for me to pass up in normal situations, however I have things to do. How did you get here more quickly than I. You took the longer route."

"I just took a shortcut." Lily said, wondering what sort of scene this would evolve into.

"Impossible, I took the shortest way." 

"Apparently not." She turned back to Barty and glared at him ferociously. "Can I speak to you?"

"You are, aren't you?"

"This _isn't_ a good time." Lily snapped, and started to turn away. "Maybe we should discuss what I was planning on discussing after I've calmed down. I think tomorrow would be nice, my mood should be a bit more stable then."  
  


"Wait just a second." James halted her, effectively blocking the passage that would allow her to either go to the kitchens corridor or to exit into the Great Hall. Lily gritted her teeth, waiting for a cutting remark about snooping or prying, or something along those lines. "How exactly did you get here that fast? I know Hogwarts like I know my way around the Quidditch pitch, and I took the fastest way."

_No way, _Lily thought, not believing things could be this easy. "I'm assuming you had to go up a set of stairs across a landing, and then down another set. In that corridor, the second door on the left goes into the girls' toilet for the fifth floor. You merely cross it, and you have crossed that landing."

"Oh." 

"I better not hear about you lurking in the girls' toilets." Barty said jokingly, and as such it was meant. That was rather obvious to Lily.

"No self-respecting Potter raised as a Potter would be in the opposite gender's toilet. Junior, I was raised with a slightly higher amount of class."

"Too bad all…_Potters_ weren't raised with that same class. I suppose there wouldn't be quite so many, shall we say, accidents, running around, would there?" Barty sneered this, hating the comparison Junior implied between him and his father.

Lily's eyes, already wide, nearly popped from their sockets when she saw the steely look immediately overtake James's face. Moving with Quidditch-evolved reflexes, he pinned Barty against the wall in a split second, the cold hazel eyes of James drilling into the warm brown ones belonging to Barty. "I suggest you follow your own advice. Pick up the atmosphere and _stay out of my affairs_."

"I was merely commenting that-"

"Shut the hell up. Leave the subject alone. Forever." James had done nothing besides pin Barty against the wall by pressing a hand to the other's chest. James deliberately stepped away and spoke condescendingly, looking directly at Crouch. "I extend the same advice to you too, Lily. Now be a good boy and walk her back to the tower, Junior."

Lily and Barty both watched in silence as he turned sharply and walked brusquely down the hall, the heels of his shoes leaving a crisp[I] _click-click-click-click[/I]_ on the stone floor. 

"Lily, that is why you don't ask about the Potters." Barty said in her ear, as if he was afraid someone would hear.

*~*~*

"…Project that will be worked on for the next month." For most likely the first time in the century he had been teaching at Hogwarts, Professor Binns held his class riveted. They were actually going to have a _project_! The few people who had the will power to stay awake started nudging their snoozing friends, and soon, he had a very alert class. Professor Binns was a classic example of teachers with great potential slacking off on the job.

One of the few people who hadn't been awakened, Otto Bagman, made a rather loud thumping sound as his head hit his desk. All eyes turned toward him, and watched the Ravenclaw sleep, waiting to see if Binns would notice.

"Would somebody please wake the student up?" The Professor said drolly, indicating it wasn't an unusual occurrence. One of Otto's snickering friends shook him a bit, and the sixth year snapped awake, instantly aware that the entire class was staring at him.

"If he's that slow on the Quidditch field, we'll run over Ravenclaw!" Amos said gleefully in Lily's ear. 

"Whatever happened to the desire for a good competition?"

"I just want to win." 

"How spirited of you. Now be quiet so we don't get in trouble."

"He's half deaf, he wouldn't hear a freight train."

"Mister Diggory, would you like to say something?" Binns asked in his typical wheezy voice.

"No, not at all, Professor. I'm just waiting for some _facts_ on our new project." Amos grinned, knowing the effect the word facts would have. 

The professor rubbed his hands together enthusiastically, "Yes, yes, the facts. Being a teacher of the cold, hard, truth, nobody quite appreciates solid information as much as I do. I can see you have the same zeal for them I do. This project will be entirely out of class," there was a loud groan passing through the class, "I want you to write one complete scroll on one wizard from history." Again, groans were apparent. "Pass this bowl around, and draw out one card randomly." 

For once, Millie and Amos were happy Lily directed them toward the front seating area, because they had the best selection of chocolate frog cards, because of course, no one actually selected randomly when a negligent teacher was on watch.

"Who'd you get?" Millie asked, showing her own Alberic Grunnion card. Lily displayed one of Merlin, and Amos grinned as he handed them a Cliodna card, the Celtic Irish goddess of beauty.

"Gee, I wonder why you got that one?" Millie teased, holding the card of the dark-haired beauty for inspection.

"If I have to dig up dirt on these people, I might as well get one easy on the eyes."

"Men." The surrounding girls sighed, making Amos feel rather intimidated.

*~*~*

When Lily walked into the library that night, it became apparent that Barty's little stunt, teamed with her curiosity, had caused her a major setback in the area of James Potter. When she sat down, he glared up at her for a fraction of a second, then continued his search in the newspapers. When she attempted a conversation and an apology, he moved to a different table. When she followed, he scowled at her malevolently. "Can you not take a hint?"

"Can you not accept a sincere apology?"

"No."

"When you live in spite you hurt no one besides yourself. You know, I am trying to help you. But you continually slap away my offerings, and slam them in my face. I'm trying to be your friend, but you growl and look at me as if I'm here to hurt you. It's obvious that you have went through something in your life that I haven't, that most people haven't, and you're hurt from it. You can move past that hurt, or you can let it grow and fester like a nasty wound, and you can let it destroy you. Nobody can live for long the way you do, James. I hope you can find some sort of peace soon, because I've had it with you. I have a little pride to, and you know what, I don't like you, or Remus, or my Transfiguration grade enough for my pride to be continually shot down. So you can sit here and mope in the dark library with a bunch of nineteen year old newspapers for the rest of the year and _I don't care_." She paused and looked as if she had been hit by a rampaging manticore. "Oh my! _Nineteen years_? What are-"

"Get out of here! NOW!" James said furiously, knowing this witch was too clever for his own good.

"No way, not now. You are looking for-"

"Madame Pince?!!!" He shouted loudly, looking panicked, making the library trot over. "She's disturbing my studying, would you please remove her?"

Lily's eyes widened, and she picked up her own books, her face red with anger and mortification, and stomped out. She was grinding her teeth as she walked briskly down the cool hallways, but had calmed down by the time she saw Remus waiting for her eagerly outside of the portrait to the Gryffindor common room. The hopeful look on his face made her feel a tiny bit bad for her outburst.

"Well?"

"He got me kicked out of the blessed library!"

"What?!"

"He GOT ME KICKED OUT OF THE LIBRARY! Do you know how humiliating that was? Besides, he's incredibly rude, and won't even accept a well-meant apology!" Lily pointed her finger into Remus's chest. "And through all of that, I found out what he's looking for."

"What?!"

"Don't be redundant. And technically, I don't know for sure, but I've got one heck of a guess. One that I think is right."

"What?!"

*~*~*

"Is he walking toward us?" Millie asked whoever happened to be listening to her at the moment, which would be either/and/perhaps neither of her friends as they walked down the corridor after .

"He probably wants to talk to me about Quidditch." Amos said, glancing to see the encroaching James Potter.

"Or not." Lily muttered, not liking the stormy look on his face.

"Hey! James! What's goin-"

"I can't believe you!" James hissed at Lily, interrupting his fellow Quidditch player. "I honestly thought you were better than that! You told!"

"Told what?" Lily asked, hoping feigning innocence would get her off the hook.

No such luck.

"Don't play the fool." He took her arm and started leading her away. "And how in the hell did you even find out for that matter?"

"Lily?" Millie asked worriedly, following them.

"Go to class, Millie." James said sharply, not turning back to look at her, so he was surprised when she planted herself in front of him.

"Classes are over for sixth years today. Except Lily, she has an advanced class. Which she needs to be getting to." She took Lily's hand, and attempted to lead her away from James.

"We need to talk, and this is my only available time."

"Come on, Lily." Millie protectively put herself between Lily and James. "She's going to class. I'm sure whatever you want to say to her can be said in the common room tonight. With witnesses."

"Like hell it-"

"Millie, I'll be fine. I can get there in time. Don't worry. Let's go." Lily looked at James over Millie's shoulder. 

"Are you-"

"I'm sure." Millie slowly left, and Lily turned to James. "Whatever you want to say, say it."

"It's not worth it. Forget about it." He muttered, his head hung, making his black hair fall over his face. 

"It was the deal I made with Remus, and you now that. It wasn't anything personal, believe it or not, the world isn't out to get you." Lily said wryly, trying to toss in a little humor.

"Whatever." James turned on his heel, and walked away, and Lily being Lily, couldn't let the situation walk off with him. She chased after him, grabbing the sleeve of his robes to make him slow down for her. "I didn't know for sure, you know. It was merely a guess, but I suppose you just confirmed it."

"Are you going to tell anyone?"  
  


"Of course. I'm going to hang a note on all the dormitory doors, and probably write it on the walls of the girls' toilets."

_Silence_

"Of _course_ I'm not going to tell anyone. It's not something I would necessarily want the whole world to know about me. Oh wait! The whole world DOES know it about you! Gee, how could I have been so daft?" 

"You are awfully mouthy for the resident golden girl."

"And you're awfully rude for the resident golden boy." Lily retorted sharply. "You know, this isn't a one-way street. If you want me to be honest with you, I expect nothing less from you."

"You act like we're friends." James's face twisted into an odd expression which Lily couldn't describe completely as curiosity or wariness.

"I'm trying to be your friend."

"I don't want anymore friends."

"Because you've carefully selected the ones you have and I don't quite make the grade?"

"Precisely. Now, could I have a simple yes or no as to whether you're going to blab to the entire school about what you think you know about me?"

"It isn't worth my time. I am not Bertha Jorkins, contrary to your belief, and I can find better ways to occupy myself."

"Is that a no?"

"Yes, _it's a no_!!" 

"Good. Very good." James looked highly satisfied as he smirked his way down the hallway, leaving Lily to fume in his wake. 

*~*~*

"Millie!" Lily called tauntingly as she stepped in the dormitory, ready to provide the explanation she had put off until now. "I know what you guys wouldn't tell me?"

"And what of many things would that be?" Millie was lying on her bed, her Transfiguration book open in front of her, pretending she wasn't interested.

"The secret about James Potter."

"Oh?" Extreme disinterest. "I think I got tomorrow's assignment figured out. You shouldn't have much trouble with it."

"So you don't want to hear what I found out?" Lily was beyond excited as she bounded onto her own bed.

"Why not?"

"It's about his family, isn't it?"

"What's this?"

"Oh, come off it, Millie! Nobody is here, it's just you and I! You can tell me what's going on." She was alight with excitement, very much enjoying the moment. "What nobody will talk about, it's about his family, right?"

"Maybe." Millie answered cautiously, studying her parchment carefully. "Look, Lily, can we just drop this? I'm not comfortable with the topic at all."

Lily, sensing her friends discomfort, sat silent for a few moments. "Alright, you can tell me if you feel like I need to know. But would you just tell me why you, or anybody else for that matter, can't tell me?"

"I'm involved too closely in the situation, just like many others." 

"Thank you." Lily brushed her hair into a fresh ponytail and watched Millie for awhile in the mirror. Seeing that her friend wasn't going to do anything else particularly interesting, she headed for the exit.

"What're you doing?" 

"What do I do every evening?"

"UUUGGGHHH!" Millie hit her pillow, apparently in either anger or frustration, "Don't you get it?"

"I guess I don't. Bye."

"Bye." Millie grumbled, shooting her a parting look of caution, which Lily ignored. 


	3. Revenge Planned

Disclaimer: Nothing's changed; I still don't own any recognizable characters, and I still don't have a job. 

*~*~*

**_When Dawn Breaks The Night_**

*

**Part One-Meeting the Dawn**

*

_Chapter Three-Revenge Planned_

*

"You are one work of art." 

"It's nice to see you too, James." Lily said with a pleasant smile as she sat next to him in the unusually crowded library, drawing stares. "I guess I should ask if you have a girlfriend."

  
"Not at the moment. Are you interested in fulfilling the position?"

"Not at the moment." Lily mocked. "I just don't relish the idea of being attacked by a jealous girlfriend."

"I don't date jealous girls."

"You don't, do you? What if it's a sudden personality twist?"

"Normal people don't have 'sudden personality twists'. And even if they did, they would be the people I tried to avoid."

"I think Sirius is one of those sort of people."

"I think _you're_ one of those sort of people."

"That was rude."

"We've already established I'm ruder than the average golden boy. And you really shouldn't be pointing out rudeness, considering _you blabbed by secret_!"

"Everybody already knew that stupid secret!" Lily said, slapping her palms on the table in frustration, causing the nearby occupants to look up at her again.

"Remus didn't know what I was looking for."

"You act like it's a big deal. Really, peop-" Lily found herself pulled not harshly from her chair, and propelled across the room. "What?"

"If you feel the need to interfere in my own personal business, you can interfere where other people don't hear us. _Accio__ chairs._" James pointed his wand at two unoccupied chairs from opposite sides of the room, making them rocket across the room, and lowered his voice slightly. "In case you're too thick to realize, I would prefer that the entire magical community didn't know that I am trying to find my father."

"That statement has boundless layers of stupidity in it. So many, in fact, I'm not going to comment further on it." As James dropped her bookbag in her lap, she drew out a few books. "I'll wait until you crack."

"Aren't you the witty one."

"You really _are_ an annoying prat."

"And you really are an insufferably snoopy little girl, and I refuse to continue this conversation." James opened up a newspaper and began scanning. Lily, for lack of anything better to do, since her Transfiguration homework was nearly impossible, watched his hazel irises dart back and forth. "Don't you have anything else better to do?"

"Nope."

"I don't see how you can carry a relationship with Junior when you're spending all this time stalking me."

"Don't worry about it."

"So why won't you leave me alone now?"

"I'm curious."

"So? What makes you so special among the hundreds of other curious witches and wizards?"

"I guessed on my own. Nobody told me. I have no previous experience with your family, bad or otherwise, and I still figured it out. That should be worth something."

"I'll give you a cookie to leave me alone."

Lily laughed, finding the buy-off amusing. "Not hardly. I will start negotiating at a cake."

"Then by all means, let's proceed to the kitchen." James smiled, albeit reluctantly, at her, and didn't make an attempt to get up. After a little bit, he sighed. "Get a paper and start looking."

"Great…great. So how exactly are you going to go from scanning papers to finding your dad?"

"Simple. My family gets their faces pasted across the papers if they so much as set foot outside our door. I will merely locate every article featuring my mother around the time of my fated conception."

"So why does this have to be a secret? People go searching for their parents every single day."

James rolled his eyes. "There is a point, Lily, when naiveté merges into stupidity. You obviously don't know the Slytherins and how much they hate me."

"How much do they hate you?"

"I'm captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. I beat out their own golden child, Severus Snape, for Head Boy. I have top marks in all of my classes, including traditionally Slytherin-ruled subjects. Figure it out."

"Oh. I see. So they would rub it in?"

"What a keen observation." He answered sarcastically, which was pretty much his typical tone of voice to one of Lily's most keen observations. 

"Why are you so angry?"

"With what?"

"The world?"

"Why is the world angry at me?"

Lily shook her head, feeling that she had met a lost cause. "I don't think the answer really matters to you. You just want an excuse."

"Doesn't everybody need an excuse for something or another?"

"No, James, not everybody does."

*~*~*

The next time Lily walked into the library, she didn't sit with James as had become habit, instead chose an empty table. She ignored his penetrating stare as she drew books from her rucksack. The reason for her solitary seating was soon discovered as Barty Crouch bounced in with a smile on his face. "Guess what, Lils!"

"What?" Lily asked the same time as Madame Pince shrilly said, "Keep the noise down!"

"My dad promised to take me to a game of the Bats and the Falcons!" 

"Ummm, brill?" She tried, hoping for the right level of excitement.

"More than just brill, this is totally ace! The Falcons ALWAYS get into a fight with the other team, you can ask for a bloodier game. They've taken out more than one Seeker."

"Why would anyone want to see that?"

"Don't you love to see a Seeker debroomed?"

"Not really."

"You really need to relax. You won't get anywhere in the wizarding world if you don't at least pretend to like a good game of Quidditch."

Lily glared at him in a remarkably menacing manner. "Excuse me?"

"In the top jobs, your boss will take you to discuss business at a game. It's obligatory to cheer and know a few plays."

"For you maybe."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Lily raised her eyebrows in the look of classic female sassiness. "It means that bum-kissing might be the standard in wizarding politics, but I'm going to be an Auror, and we do the bum-kicking."

"Until you become the kicked instead of the kickee."

"There's no such word as kickee, Barty."

"So?"

"I'm saying kickee makes you sound like an uneducated idiot. Can we just drop this anyway, it's stupid."

"Sure, sure. Do you have notes from the last Prefects' meeting?"

"Yes. Did you forget AGAIN?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry! Don't look at me like that, I'm not quite as punctual as you."

"No, I suppose not. So do you want to meet me at The Three Broomsticks next weekend for the Hogsmeade trip?"

"You know I do." Barty answered with a grin, accepting her hastily written notes.

*~*~*

Life progressed, as it has a tendency to do. September blew out, and October blew in with a premature snowstorm, blanketing the Hogwarts grounds at and absurdly early time, causing a fit from Madame Sprout, who feared for her outdoor plants. October marked the end of several things, one being the safety of Remus's secret. 

Lily and Barty were walking through the fourth floor corridor on the west side of the castle when the heard voices coming from the territory they would come upon.

"That doesn't sound like Prefects on patrol." Barty observed, looking around curiously.

"Nooo, not unless they're about ready to get in a fist fight."

Quietly, the snoopy couple peeked around the corner to see a congregation of seventh year boys, the Gryffindor to Slytherin ratio four to one. They came in time to hear Severus Snape hiss "For a common by-blow, you are definitely high and mighty, Potter! Maybe I should find a new name…chance child…mongrel…woods colt?"

There were three lunges at the Slytherin cast simultaneously, but James stood back.

Lily saw that Barty opened his mouth to intervene, but she stopped him. 

"Are you just going to let them break school rules and get into a fight?"

"Yes. I'm a firm believer in one turn deserves another. Nobody should talk like he did without expecting the consequences. He disregarded human feelings."

"You just have a soft spot for that particular by-blow." Barty said with a teasing smile on his face.

"Don't say that!" She shoved him jokingly as they departed from the scene of a pummeling.

*~*~*

"I think I dropped my wand back there." Sirius said, turning from his friends.

"Sirius…" James said warningly, knowing that his friend hadn't dropped his wand. 

"Relax, Prongs. Are you going to the library?"

"I guess."

"I'll meet you there. You _and _Lily there."

"Moron." 

"I know." Sirius grinned and jogged down the corridor the way they had come. After a little consultation with the Marauder's Map he had successfully swiped from his unaware counterpart, he soon found Severus Snape walking slowly down the halls. Careful not to be seen, he took an ulterior route, scribbled a hasty note, and dropped it in the path of Snape. 

Severus walked down the intended path, as Sirius had planned, and picked up the crumpled note, also as Sirius had planned. 

_Wormtail__, don't forget to meet me at the __Willow__ tomorrow night at sundown. –Padfoot P.S. Prongs can't come, he's meeting her in the library again._

Snape grinned, knowing which set of people used those particular nicknames.

Sirius grinned, knowing he would get revenge for his friend.


	4. Revenge Terminated

Summary: James Potter has seen only the dark side of life since he discovered a secret when he was thirteen, and since then, he has been becoming increasingly cynical until he has reached the point he could be described as misanthropic. He begins his search for the answer to questions that will change his life, and along the way he encounters a bright patch of light in his dark world, namely Lily Evans. 

Author's Note: WDBTN has met a speed bump named The Haphazard Ruse, my new love. 

Disclaimer: I unfortunately don't own the concept of Harry Potter, of Muggles and Magicals, and all that great stuff. I'm fifteen and jobless, so if you file charges, my life will be ruined and I'll only know poverty for the rest of my existence. Have a heart.

**_When Dawn Breaks The Night_**

**__**

**Part One-Meeting the Dawn**

*

_Chapter Four-Revenge Terminated_

*

"Are you sure you don't want to come tonight, Prongs?" Peter asked James for about the fifteen time. 

"No, Wormtail, nothing's changed since five minutes ago." 

"Back off, Pete, James wants to visit our resident redhead at the library again." Sirius said, nudging James and Peter as they made their way to the first floor.

"No, I don't. She is the last person I want to see. She can't keep a secret for the life of her! Look what happened to me; the whole school knows that I am looking for my dad now."

"Actually, only the Marauders and her, but if you want to think that, we'll let you." 

"You are such a pain."

"I know."

"Are you coming to Quidditch practice with us?" James asked, tightening his shin guard as he tried to walk, miraculously not falling until Sirius gave him a push. "I officially revoke that invitation."

"I officially decline the revoked invite. I have some last minute stuff to do before we go tonight."

*~*~*

"Is the humming necessary? We have three months until Christmas?"

"Only seventy days." Lily corrected, and resumed her humming of 'Winter Wonderland' as she scanned articles. 

"You are ridiculous."

"But I'm happy, which is more than I can say for certain other parties occupying this table."

"Are you saying I'm not happy?"

"Is anyone else sitting here?" Lily looked up as if she were searching for missing people. She got up and walked to the window to look at the stars and the glowing moon. "I think we have werewolves other than Remus."

"Why?" James asked, snapping to the window, hoping Lily hadn't spotted Sirius or Peter going to the Whomping Willow to accompany Remus in his transformations in their dog and rat animagus forms, perfected a couple years ago, effectively blocking her view.

"Hey!"

"I'm just trying to get a good look. Can you tell who it us?"

"Sure. It's Snape."

"_What_?"

"Severus Snape."

"I know him." James opened the window and leaned out for a better look. "Blessed Hell! It is Snape! What is that blockhead doing?"

"Going for a moonlit stroll?"

"This is not funny."

"I figured you would think it was."

"Not hardly." James spun around and started sprinting to the library exit, Lily chasing him.

"Are you going to get Dumbledore?"

James didn't answer, only picked up his pace. When he reached the doors to the castle, he purposely prevented her from exiting also. "I need to go alone."

"It would be safer if two went."

"No, it wouldn't. Stay here, Lily."

"But-"

"You can follow in ten minutes, not a second before."

"I-"

"Have no choice. Stay here."

"Can I get Dumbledore?"

"If you walk, don't run. I need ten minutes."

"James, I really don't think that's wise."

"It is, trust me."

Lily chewed on her lip for a few seconds. "Okay. Ten minutes."

"Thank you." James rushed out the door, into the blackness of the Hogwarts grounds.

Lily began staring at the great grandfather clock in the entrance hall, her eyes only darting to glance at the stairs or the door.   
  
*~*~*   
  
James ran down the stairs, leaping over the last three, and ran full speed toward The Dark Forest. Taking a chance he would never normally take, he transformed in the wide-open Hogwarts grounds, four hooves meeting the cold ground in a comforting rhythm in place of two feet. The tall teenager altered into a great stag, the dark brown coat so dark it looked black in the pitch dark interrupted only by the full moon. Giving his antlers a traditional shake, he charged on, his breath freezing in the air. As he came in sight of Severus Snape trying to maneuver around the Whomping Willow, the stag changed back into James.   
  
"**STOP**!" He bellowed at the top of his lungs, hurling himself at the Slytherin in an American footbal worthy tackle, had he known what American footbal was.   
  
"Get off me, Potter." Snape growled in a menacing sort of way, trying to fling James off, succeeding in a moment of weakness. He crawled on his stomach under the tree, somehow knowing to press the knot.   
  
"No! Don't!" James panted, grabbing his ankle and pulling, but only succeeding in making the other boy's dragon hide shoe come off.   
  
"You can't stop me."   
  
"I sure as hell can try." Both wizards were determined to meet their very different goals, so a violent scuffle ensued under the frozen tree. At one point, Snape made the dive down the tunnel, giving James no choice but follow. They both started sprinting, Severus toward a far door, James after Severus.   
  
"Stop it, you ignorant arse!" James again tackled Snape, who landed a rather nasty kick in his opponent's stomach, gaining another lapse of temporary freedom. "There is a fully-developed werewolf behind that door!"   
  
"That's one of your more interesting excuses."   
  
"Seriously, Snape, there is, now get away from that door."   
  
"Make me."   
  
James attempted to do just that, but it wasn't necessary. Remus, the fully-developed werewolf in question, after smelling the scent of humans, leaped on the door from the other side. It fell in on Snape, apparently knocking him unconscious. Remus snapped at Severus's legs a time or two before James jumped in.   
  
Once again changing into stag form, he competently stood over Snape, protecting him from the worst of Remus's claws, and all of his teeth. The big black dog which was Sirius, known as Padfoot, quickly followed, his eyes sad when he saw his deer friend. Prongs and Padfoot soon had Remus back into the Shrieking Shack, in and interior room away from the wounded human.   
  
*~*~*   
  
After eight minutes, Lily ran to get Dumbledore, questioning whether she really should have gave a mere student ten minutes. "Candy apples!" Lily said quickly, and rushed in, shouting, "Professor! Professor! I need your help!"   
  
Dumbledore rose from behind his desk, where he was already wearing nightclothes with orange teddybears. "I am at your service."   
  
"Severus Snape went to the Whomping Willow!"   
  
"Go quickly and wake Madame Pomfrey and Professor Figg. I will see to this." The headmaster waved his wand, changing into warm winter clothes, as he hurried out of his office with Lily, then they parted ways.

Lily followed her instructions, and awakened the sleeping nurse, then the deputy Headmistress. Then she herself stood outside of the entrance to watch for anyone coming from the forest.   
  
*~*~*   
  
After Remus was safely caged, James and Sirius hurried back to the victim.   
  
"Is he dead?" Sirius asked, his face very pale.   
  
"Not hardly. Change back into Padfoot and get in bed. Use the sleeping spell and lie your arse off if you have to."   
  
"What will you do?"   
  
"Take him to the castle. Now _go_!"   
  
"But, James, they-"   
  
"I'll be fine. Lily was with me."   
  
"Alright, thanks." The large dog reappeared and scampered off while James levitated Snape and hurried out of the tunnel.   
  
They emerged from the underground tunnel about the time Dumbledore arrived, a grievous look on his old face. "Were either of you bitten?"   
  
"No, sir, just scratched up a bit, I dare say we will both live."   
  
"Let's not be too hopeful on that. Give me Severus and go to the hospital wing, and do not leave until I say you can. Understood?"   
  
"Yes, sir."   
  
"Tell Lily to go with you, Poppy can most likely use her help." James nodded, and jogged lightly up to the castle, trying to keep his mind blank. He found Lily sitting on the castle steps, chin in hand. She immediately stood when she spotted him, and met him halfway.   
  
"Are you alright? Is he alright? What happened? How about Remus?"   
  
"All fine. Dumbledore said to go to the infirmary with me, that Madame Pompfrey could probably use your help."   
  
"Okay. So what happened."   
  
"Nothing. You know, he thinks I'm going to do something stupid. Again?"   
  
Lily stayed silent, afraid she'd do more damage than good at the time.

James kept muttering something for nearly the entire trip until Lily decided to speak again. "He wants to talk to me because I was the one who told him what was happening. After the provisional ten minutes, of course."   
  
"Thanks."   
  
"What's ten minutes between friends?" Lily said lightly, trying to draw a smile.   
  
"Are we friends?"   
  
"I thought so."   
  
"I think so, too."   
  
"Great, we're friends, that was a major decision, glad that's over with."   
  
"You're babbling."   
  
"I'd rather hear myself talk than you mumble."   
  
"Thanks for the kind words." James said dryly.   
  
"No problem." Lily slowed down at the hospital door.   
  
"What?"   
  
"Is it going to, uh, smell in here?"   
  
"Just like it always does. Antiseptic and stuff."   
  
"There won't be blood will there?"   
  
"Not much. Snape's not much worse off than I am."   
  
Lily regarded his cuts and scrapes warily. "I guess that'll be fine." She swallowed, "I hope."   
  
"Don't worry, there are plenty of beds to faint on." James laughed, apparently the thought ammused him, and went in, leaving Lily to either follow or stand in the corridor like a dimwitted hen before dinner. 

She entered the ward without enthusiasm, and was hit with an overwhelming sense of nausea. Blood drained from her face, and apparently from her brain as she started swaying. James reached out to steady her, appearing reluctant to make contact. "I was kidding about the bed thing."

"It _smells_ in here. Like lemon cleaner and alcohol, and…cabbage?"

"Remedial potions are made with ground cabbage many times. Weak stomach?"

"And nose."

"How unfortunate. At least you can rule out medicine as a possible career path."

"Thanks for that mind-blowing declaration, I'm sure I would have never discovered that on my own."

"Sometimes I have my doubts about you." James led her to a bed in quite a professional manner, and left her for a minute, returning with the school nurse. He was apparently briefing her on Lily's 'case'. 

"Miss Evans, just relax and I'll bring a scented candle to alleviate the smell."

"It's really not that big of a deal, it just takes a little to get used to it, I imagine, really, don't bother with me, I-"

"Just shut up." James didn't say it meanly, just very bluntly.

"Yes, I can see you'll go far in the medical field, you have got one whopper of a bedside manner. I don't _want_ a scented candle." Lily pushed the candle away. "Doesn't anyone find this utterly ridiculous? There isn't one blessed thing wrong with me, and scented candles are being shoved up my nose, but James who was mauled by a werewolf is standing there helping with the shoving of the said candle?"

"Excellent point." Madame Pomfrey turned expectantly toward James. "Mr. Potter? Please step behind a curtain and change into pajamas and choose a bed."

"_What_? I don't need to! I'm perfectly fine."

"Now, Potter."

James made a noise of disgust, but stomped behind a curtained partition all the same. Pomfrey was standing over him, healing various cuts and making tutting noises, Lily smiling innocently all the while, when Dumbledore, and Araminta Figg, Deputy Headmistress and head of Slytherin house came in with Severus Snape.

"Oh dear!" Madame Pomfrey flitted over to her new patient and started clucking over him, performing charms. "Students hold no regard for authority these days."

"We should be thankful Mr. Potter was there to save Mr. Snape." Dumbledore said, examining the two boys through his spectacles. Then, he added, "If that indeed was what happened? I would like to hear the story from it's beginning."

Lily and James looked at each other, deciding who would go first, so Snape took the opportunity to jump right in. "Potter and his little cohorts set me up! They left a note for me to find, and they led me in the den of a werewolf! Then Potter gets cold feet and chickened out, just like a Potter would, and tries to save me to look like a hero!"

"My patient shouldn't be that upset. Not at all." Poppy gave disapproving looks all around. "I shall doctor him over there, I wish you wouldn't bother him until he is healed."

"That might be best." Professor Figg agreed, nodding. After Snape was taken away, she turned her penetrating look on the two Gryffindors. "I would like to hear your version, Potter."

Dumbledore nodded, implicating that he agreed with this.

"I was in the library and Lily spotted him outside. I immediately went after him, knowing that Remus was there tonight."

"Why?"

"I wouldn't see any person put through what Remus has been through as a werewolf, not even my worst enemy."

"So you didn't lead him out there in any way tonight?"

"No, not at all."

"Is this true, Miss Evans?"

"To my knowledge. James did act very surprised when I spotted Snape walking outside last night."

"Do either of you know what provoked Mr. Snape into going to the Willow tonight?"

"No." Lily and James answered at the same time. 

"I have no reason to distrust either of these students, Araminta." Dumbledore said, nodding at them. 

"Neither do I."

"Then Miss Evans may go, and Mr. Potter shall stay here to have his wounds attended to before returning to Gryffindor Tower this night."

"I will see how Mr. Snape is fairing." Figg decided, and no more of her was seen that night.

Dumbledore sat by James's bed, and waited for Lily's departure. "Do you know who did this, James?"

"No, sir." James lied, as he knew Sirius would for him.

"I know you do, James, but I won't push you. There was a wrong done tonight, but also a right. I know you demand loyalty above all other things from your friends, and in return, you give the same to them, so for that reason, I will not question you further on this subject."

"Thank you."

"I will trust that you give me no cause to regret this decision."

"No, sir, I won't. I consider you my father more than the man whose name I share, so I would never betray you in any way that I could prevent." 

"And I you. Before I embarrass myself, I shall go. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, sir."

*~*~*

The night was never mentioned among the Marauders. The tense look carried by James, and the guilty look on Sirius's face, and the upset expression that Remus had caused Peter to call for a pact: This incident would be dropped, and _never_ be brought up again by one of them, no matter the argument or situation. And so, it was done. It would be something often to come to the back of their minds, but they all refused to voice it.


	5. Changes

A rather large and dramatic event occurred on Halloween of that same year, but this was important mainly for Lily.  The events preceding that time indicated nothing of the sort would happen, but still they did.  

One week before Halloween, Barty located her in the library with James.  Surprisingly, he had dropped the subject of James all together, and they avoided possible conflict.  

"Lils, I need to talk to you for a couple minutes."

"Sure.  Excuse me." Lily had nodded to James and followed Barty to a far corner of the library where they could converse quietly.  

"I just wanted to let you know I'm going to be gone for a week.  My grandfather died…the one with the Axminister."

"I'm so sorry." Lily reached to hug him, even though he didn't seem particularly devastated.

"Don't be.  He was a hard old man, worse than my father.  But my mother was fond of him, even though he was her father-in-law, so I'll act sad for her."

"How courageous." She said dryly.

"I'm a Hufflepuff for a reason." Barty laughed, not offended in the least.  "I'll see you on Halloween, okay?  I better not have to beat Potter away with a tree branch."

"I sincerely doubt you'll have to even ask him to move." 

"All the same…Anyway, I've got to go pack now.  I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too, of course." They said goodbye with a parting hug and kiss. When she sat down James had a sardonic smirk on his face.

"Did you _have to do that in my line of vision?"_

"We weren't in your line of vision."

"What do you call that?" James rose from his chair so she could sit down in his perspective.

"I guess you're right, I'm sorry, it wasn't for your benefit."

"No doubt about that one."

"Shut up." Lily rolled up a newspaper and hit him with it, just to be yelled at by Madame Pince.  "Why does this _always happen?"_

"Because you can't behave like a proper young lady in the library." James answered matter-of-factly.

"And I suppose you act like a proper young man."

"Not all the time, but I don't question it when I get in trouble."

"Just read the blasted paper." Lily demanded, knowing she was beat.

*~*~*

Barty returned on Halloween, as expected, only Barty _didn't_ return.  He wasn't the Barty that Lily knew, he was an entirely different person.  Upon his return, it was very obvious things had changed.  When he came in the Great Hall for the Halloween feast, Lily fully expected him to sit by her at the Gryffindor table for a moment or two to say hi.  When that didn't happen, she went to sit next to him, and received a nasty sneer for her efforts.

"How was the funeral?"

"My grandfather died.  I thought even a dense Muggle like yourself could figure that one out."

Lily looked at him strangely, and put her hands on the table to propel herself into a standing position.

"Are you going to go to Hogwarts' favorite accident?"

"What has gotten into you, Barty?  That's really awful of you to say that sort of stuff about him."

"I suppose you're right…people can't control their birth.  You two would deal well together, a bastard and a Mudblood."

"What is _wrong?"_

"Nothing, everything is right."

"I don't believe it is!"

"I think it's time we parted way, Evans.  

"I would say so!" Lily was appalled at his behavior, and even more so at it's abruptness.  She commented on it to Millie and Amos, and both politely said they had no idea what was going on, which left her only once choice:  Go to the most brutally honest person she knew.

*~*~*

Lily stood outside the seventh year boys' dormitory, waiting for the door to be answered after her knock.  Granted, it was against the rules and she didn't normally break rules, but she felt this was a very important situation that required an answer immediately.  She was slightly worried, but this was due the sounds coming from inside the room, not the smirks of the other boys as they passed by her to get to their rooms.

The door finally opened, probably about three minutes later, but it was Peter who appeared, looking flushed.

"Is this a bad time?"

"Uhhhh….about as g-g-good as any, I guess."

"Is James here?"

"Yeeaaaahhh."

"Is he busy?"

"Ummm, not, uh, r-really."

"Can I se him, please?"

"Ummm, l-let me a-ask."

"Peter are you okay?"

"N-Yes!"  Peter quickly disappeared behind the slightly cracked open door.  Lily took this opportunity to take just a _little_ peek inside.  She was met with a view of entire black, which ended up being James's shoulder.

"Like what you see?"

"I decline a comment.  Can I ask you a question?"

  
"You know, I really despise such lead-ins as can I ask you a question and would you do me a favor?"

Lily sighed, wondering why God made such impossible people.  "Alright then, I will just jump in."

"Can we do this somewhere else?  Somewhere not in front of my dorm, because I'm not sure Hogwarts can handle the thought of it's Golden Boy and Golden Girl sleeping together, and that is what they will think."

"I'm not about to argue."  Lily said, immediately working her way down the stairs.

"Of course not.  I couldn't even imagine the words Lily Evans and argue in the same sentence."

"Oh shut up!"

"I thought you wanted to ask me a question."

Lily took a deep and hopefully calming breath.  "I do."  Once they were in the common room, Lily was ready to ask away.  "If someone left for a week or so and came back, and was really very mean and cruel to someone he used to like, what would that be a sign of?"

James started backing away.  "I _am not getting into this.  I want _no_ part of your angsty little relationships."_

Lily lunged for his arm to keep him running away and safely blocked his exit.  "I just want an honest answer, and I assumed you were the only person who either had the guts or lack of politeness to tell me the truth."

"What a way to win me over."

"I'm serious!  I just want to know what you think."

"Why do you think I would know."

"Uhhh….I just thought that a…uh…person such as yourself would understand that sort of darkness."

"I am _nothing like him."_

"Of course not, you're much nicer than he is being at the moment.  I think.  But I'm not sure.  So _why_ is there a complete change?"

"The Dark Arts."

"What?"

"A change like that is generally caused by a sudden or intensified interest in the Dark Arts.  It's been happening a lot recently.  He called you names?"

"Uh, yeah."

James nodded as if it were obvious.  "Dark Arts.   Most likely a follower of Voldemort.  You do know who-"

"Yes, I know who he is.  Is that what you really think?"

"I have better things to do than make up lies about Junior Crouch."

"But-"

"Hey, you asked, and I gave you what I thought."

"Thank you, James.  Thanks." Lily turned away from him, and she heard him walk up the first few stairs, then pause.  

"Are you going to be alright?"

"Yes.  Fine."

"Okay, then, goodnight."

"Goodnight."

When James opened the door to his dorm again, his eyes landed on four expectant faces.  "What?"

"So what were you and our little Lily doing?"  Sirius asked, grinning like a weasel who had encountered an unprotected hen's nest.

"Nothing like what you're thinking, Black.  She merely asked a question, on which I gave my opinon."

"She asked you to be the father of her child, didn't she?" Peter asked, laughing riotously, his friends joining in.

"No…not quite."

"It was a mere marriage proprosal, boys." Frank Longbottom, the fifth seventh year Gryffindor boy, suggested.

"Oh, would you imbeciles just bloody well can it?  Stupidity isn't becoming."

"Didn't know you cared."

James growled menacingly, which didn't deter any of his roommates, they were all used to it by now.  

"So what did she want?"

"She wanted to know what I thought was going on with Junior Crouch."

"Oh God…she went to a guy to ask about her boyfriend." Sirius groaned, letting Remus smother him with a large pillow.  

"I knew she was on the naïve side, but I didn't know it was that bad."  Remus added, deciding Sirius couldn't hold his breath much longer, and let go of the pillow.

"Would you two please step away from my private life…even though she _isn't in_ my private life to begin with."

"But Prongs, you always step into ours."

"Jump off a bloody cliff!" James jerked the curtains of his bed closed, hoping for the end of the subject.  

*~*~*

It was only a matter of weeks before Barty became among the handful of students expelled from Hogwarts.  

The time the Marauders, Lily, Millie, and Amos grew up in what could be described as extreme unrest in the magical world.  It was clouded by a nervousness that all adults held nowadays.  A formerly safe world was anything but.  Voldemort, a wizard with his priorities set on being number one had steadily struck fear in the magical community.  Nobody was safe anymore.  People were regularly tossed in prisons with only minor evidence in hopes of calming the violence.  Students were being expelled from many schools for showing elevated interest in the Dark Arts, and that was what Barty was victim of.

It was a cumulatio of many things, sneaking out restricted books, being caught practicing dark spells, and abusing other students, that led to his expulsion.  None of the students quite knew all of the details, and much of it was speculation.  Only Dumbledore and the head of Hufflepuff knew the straw the broke the camel's back the resulted in Barty standing in the entryway with his trunk and owl, waiting on Bartemious Crouch Senior to retrieve him.  

None of the students wanted to be him, standing there alone, especially when the scowl on his father's face came into view, looking nothing short of murderous.  "Outside.  Now."

Barty scowled and slammed his way out of Hogwarts, although it wouldn't be the last time.  Crouch Senior shook hands gravely with Dumbledore, and nodded his head.  "Sorry about this.  I believe I can get this under control soon."

  
"Where will you be sending him?"

"Durmstrang.  It's the only place that'll take him now."

"It's a fine school in its own right."

"Sure it is." Crouch said sourly, and he shrank his son's trunk, and slipped it into his pocket.  "I appreciate the notification."

"The rules apply to everyone.  You might want to reinforce that with him." Dumbledore suggested.

"Don't worry.  I will." He tipped his hat politely, and strode out of Hogwarts like the potential Minister of Magic he was.

*~*~*

"No, no, no, this article is from the seventh, so it goes after the charity dinner." James pointed out, rearranging two newspaper clippings.  The Head Students' lounge was cluttered with rows and columns of The Prophet strewn across the floor in chronological order to create a timeline of his mother's actions.  If Izzy, the Head Girl, decided she need the lounge, she would be resigned to a couch in a corner.  

"That's a one, slick." 

"It's a seven, Lily, get your eyes checked." James pointed out patiently, waving the article four inches from her face.

"I'm sorry, I've been staring at newsprint for so long I'm seeing double."

"Go take a nap."

"There is no way I'm going to let you figure this out without me, not after all this time I've put into this endeavor, buddy." Lily said, poking him.  "So, I'm going to run and get my glasses, but don't discover anything without me, okay?"

"You wear glasses?"

"No.  I'll be back." She jumped over a couple rows of papers and slipped on her shoes to go running down the halls.  When Lily returned with a pair of silver rimmed glasses, James looked at her curiously, to which she answered, "Muggle thing, James."

"Muggles have magic to make your eyes better?"

"No, not magic, but something to temporarily counteract bad vision."

"Brill.  What is it."

"It's hard to explain…I'll show you sometime, alright?"

"Okay.  Promise?  I really want to see."

"I promise.  Now let's get back to the situation at hand.  Your father."

They began examining each of the articles again, trying to find a similarity between them, looking for mentions of the same person.  After over an hour, they both were frustrated, and decided to take a cookie break, careful not to get anything on the papers.  Lily was idly reading one while munching, when she skimmed over something to make her drop her cookie.  "Oh wow, look at this!"

"What?" James leaned over her shoulder, trying to see what she apparently saw.

"Look, she's been with this man here in three previous articles!"

"Lily.  That's my uncle Edmund."

"Seriously?" Lily turned her face to look at him to make sure he wasn't joking, and she hadn't noticed he was that close.  Very close.  "That's…uh…inconvenient."

"Slightly."  Apparently they had a case of  Closing In Syndrome because they kept drifting closer and closer.  And then, there was _the _kiss.  

"I see I came at a bad time."  And of course, the Head Girl _would want to use her shared lounge._


	6. Repurcussionss

Summary: James Potter has seen only the dark side of life since he discovered a secret when he was thirteen, and since then, he has been becoming increasingly cynical until he has reached the point he could be described as misanthropic. He begins his search for the answer to questions that will change his life, and along the way he encounters a bright patch of light in his dark world, namely Lily Evans. 

Disclaimer: I unfortunately don't own the concept of Harry Potter, of Muggles and Magicals, and all that great stuff. I'm fifteen and I only get six dollars and hour at the bank, and I have to pay $400 bi-annually for car insurance, so I can't afford to have charges pressed!

**_When Dawn Breaks The Night_**

**__**

**Part One-Meeting the Dawn**

_Chapter Six-Repurcussions_

*~*~*

Lily jumped to her feet in a split-second and easily separated herself from James, who had his eyes narrowed.

"Don't mind me.  I just wanted someplace quiet to study.  I'll go to the Prefect's lounge instead!" 

"No!  No! Stay!" Lily said hurriedly, ushering  Lizzy back into the room, who tried to back her way back out.

"I don't believe I want to!  Trust me, this is more embarrassing for me than it is for you.  _Trust me_!"

"No, it's not." Lily assured her, and with a burst of strength, propelled the Head Girl to the couch.  

"Lizzy, take a seat." James said dryly, speaking for the first time.  "That was an accidental situation that won't happen again in your presence."

"Ohhhh.  In my presence, eh?  So how long have you two been seeing each other like this?  You know, Frank doesn't have the slightest clue.  You two are good at clandestine relationships."

"Lizzy?"

"Just drop it." 

Lizzy raised her eyebrows, but didn't say anything else at James's tone.  Instead, she made faces at Lily or James whenever they looked up from the newspapers at her.  When Lizzy yawned and stretched, and stood up, the not-couple turned to look at her appraisingly.

"Are you going to say anything?" Lily asked, smiling in a persuasive manner.

"Just maybe to Frank.  But no one else." She waved jauntily, and glided out the door, a smile on her face.

"Oh dear God." James groaned.  "My whole dorm will know."

"When your dorm knows, that pretty much means the whole school will know within the day."

"So we're screwed."

"I'd say." Lily fell back onto the papers, deciding it wouldn't hurt much.  "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Kissing you, I shouldn't have."

"Don't worry about it, it was as much my fault as yours.  Probably more, since I'm the corrupted pain in the arse of Hogwarts."

"You're only a pain some of the time.  I'm going to bed, I doubt we'll have any breakthroughs to tonight."   
  
"You're right. I'm leaving too. May I escort you to Gryffindor Tower?"   
  
"You may." 

The trip to the tower was a mostly silent event, neither wanting to bring up the topic looming at the back of their minds.  Or rather, the topic they were pretending to have at the back of their minds.  Their conversation didn't exist, other than for random comments about safe topics such as the suits of armor, moving stairs, and obnoxious paintings.  When they finally stepped into the common room, James cleared his throat uneasily.  "Goodnight."

"Sweet dreams, James." Lily smiled lightly, and looked around uncomfortably, neither of them sure as to what to do next.

"See you in the morning?" James tried hopefully.

"Yeah…I'll see you in the morning." She smiled in a slightly more confident manner and turned up her set of stairs, as James did his.

Success!

When Lily stepped inside her dorm, she was instantly met by Millie, whose eyes were narrowed in an angry way.  "You would _never believe what Lizzy Wilkens told me."_

_Oh my dear God!  _Lily avoided panic by very little.  "Umm…she just took off points from some Ravenclaws, and we're in the lead for the House Cup!"

"No, Lily, that wasn't quite what she told me."

"Oh really?"

"Yes.  She said you and James were _kissing in the Head Student Lounge!"_

Lily went with the age-old teenager retort.  "So?"

"So?  Haven't you figured out he is death, destruction, evilness, and meanness all rolled into one boy?" Millie pointed her finger in accusation, "I have told you, Lily, but you refuse to listen!"

"He isn't as bad as you seem to think."

"Oh, but he is.  You think everybody is a lost lamb to be saved, but they're not!  There are bad, bad, people out there, and he's one of them!  You can't save him, he passed that point many years ago!"

"Millie?"

"Back off right now." 

"Excuse me?"

"I said back off.  There are some things about him nobody really understands, and I don't feel you are in the position to judge him until you do understand.  Apparently, you and the rest of the world think he's awful, but_ I _don't.  I happen to think he's nice in a weird sort of way.  I appreciate your advice, but I wish you would bow out gracefully.  And, to my next point, we kissed once…on accident!  By no means does that mean that we are a couple."

"Sure it doesn't." Millie said skeptically.  

"Look, it isn't a big deal.  Can we just drop it?  I don't want to get into a yelling match."

"Me neither."

"Good."

*~*~*

In the boys' dormitory, James ran into a slightly happier scene comprised of his four dorm mates sitting on their beds, waiting for his entry.  This was a shock, because it was very seldom that they were all awake and there at the same time.  "Uhh, bon jour?"

"Hello, good buddy of ours." Sirius greeted, an overbearing smile on his face.  "Now, on with business.  I hear you've been tackling our dear, _dear Miss Evans in the Head Students' Lounge.  __Do tell!"_

"Have you been drinking?  You are _disgustingly cheery."_

"I am drunk on happiness that my best friend has finally found the girl for him."

"I now have several points.  One, I despise your cheesiness…it's honestly nauseating.  Two, we only kissed, there was zero tackling involved.  Three, it was a mistake, and she is _not_ the girl for me.  Four, you're acting ignorant."

"I feel the love." 

"We all feel the love.  Now tell us what happened!" Peter said, blocking James's attempted exit.  

"I'm sure Frank could tell you, courtesy of his blabbermouth girlfriend."

"She only said that she walked in on you two kissing."

"So you felt obligated to tell the whole dorm?"

"No, Lizzy announced it when she walked into the tower."

"_Oh my blessed hell_!" James's jaw dropped, "You have _got_ to be kidding me.  She can't do that!"

"Technically, you can't be kissing girls in your lounge, see?"  Remus held up a large leather-bound book, Filch's list of rules, a sarcastic grin on his face.  "Page 784, section CIII, part EE, rule six."

"Move, Peter." James said menacingly, baring his teeth.

"Where are you going? To see Lily?"

"I'm going to go strangle Lizzy.  Normally, I'm against violence directed at females, but I do believe this is the exception."

"NO!  No!  You can't hurt _Lizzy, she wasn't the one kissing Lily Evans." Frank said hurriedly, standing next to Peter in front of the door._

"That would be rather hard to explain, wouldn't it, Frank?"

"You know what I mean.  She was just overcome with excitement.  She was just being a silly girl, jubilant in fact, that she was the first to discover the two of you."

"Frank?"

"Yes?"

"I wasn't even going to go see Lizzy, relax.  Do you people honestly think I'm some sort of Satanic rampaging beast?"

Silence.

"I think I'd prefer you didn't answer that.  Anyway, I'll be back later, I'm going for a run around the grounds."  

"Sure you are.  Say hi to Lily for me." Sirius waved, and laughed when James slammed the door.  "He is so easy to get to."

"You shouldn't have said that, Frank." Peter observed, also smiling.  

"You know, I guess this means Lizzy really did walk in on them.  Man, we are good at making stuff up."

*~*~*

"Ow!" 

The distinct high pitched voice snapped James from his very clouded thoughts.  "Watch out!  Jesus H. Christ, you would _think that by the time you're in Hogwarts, you could-"_

"Hey!  James, relax, I'm not out to murder you." Lily said, gathering her books and quills that had fallen from her open book bag.  

"Oh, sorry.  I thought you were that second year that acts like he's drunk nine tenths of the time." James smiled just a tiny bit and helped her to her feet.  "What were you doing?"

"I was walking backwards, what were _you doing?"_

"Checking the roster submitted for the game against Ravenclaw next week."

"Official Quidditch Captain business, eh?"

"Yes.  Why were you walking backwards?"

"Why were you checking the roster?"

"I asked first."

"I like walking backwards.  It's exciting."

He actually laughed.  "So getting stuck in a disappearing stair must be the thrill of your life."

"Something like that.  So, are we meeting in the Head Lounge again?  I think we're getting close."

"No, let's not." 

"You're in a very strange mood today, James, it's sort of scary."

"I'm in an excellent mood today, aren't I?"

"You could say that.  Have you been…indulging in anything?"

"No, I'm clean."

"Gee, that's good to know."

"Do you want to go get something to eat with me?"

"We just got done eating dinner."

"But not dessert!"

"Okay, sure.  Lead the way." And so, Lily and James went down the hallways together, Lily thoroughly confused at the turn of events.  She was even more confused when they passed James's friends, who all winked and waved.  

By the time they had finished their brownies and ice cream, the atmosphere between Lily and James was much more relaxed, a million times more than it ever was when they were in the library together.  James, in Lily's opinion, was easier, and possibly even pleasant, to be around when he smiled occasionally.

"So now would you like to tell me what you're doing?"

"Uhhh, eating?" James watched her, his old wariness returning with a spoonful of ice cream halfway to his mouth.  

"No.  Why are you eating here?  With me?"

"Because I want to."

"I'm confused, you see, I-"

"Is it about us kissing?" James asked bluntly, laying his spoon down to watch her.

Lily opened and closed her mouth a few times soundlessly, working on an answer, then finally said, "Well, yes, it is.  Because, you, I, we, uh, oh gosh.  We kissed, and Millie thinks that it means something, but I told her it was just an accident, but she won't leave it alone, and so, I'm just…"

"Confused." James supplied.  "Because now you don't know if it means anything or not."

"Right!  So does it?"

"I don't know, Lily.  I'm in the same boat."

Lily didn't really think they were, considering she was the only one of the two who was dark red.  She hit her forehead on the table.  "If you can't tell, we really aren't progressing much."

"Oh, I'd say we're progressing in grand style.  We've identified the problem, and now we're at the _define_ _some possible solutions stage.  We could pretend it never happened, fake out our friends, __or we could update our status to couplish."_

Lily started laughing, and James looked taken aback.  "You had this planned!  And you said couplish!

"I did have this planned.  I didn't feel it would be appropriate for me to make it up as I went along."

"I'm very, _very_ surprised."

"So, which solution shall we use?"

"Can I think on it?"

"_What_?"

"Can I think on it?  It's a serious event.  Of course, I understand if it's a one time deal."

"I'm not asking you to have _children_ with me."

"Naturally not.  I'll give you my answer in the morning if you still want it.  It's your decision, however I would like it if you would accept it."  Lily pushed her chair back and stood up.  

"But if you want me to accept your decision in the morning, that would imply that you'll say yes, so why not just say yes now?"

"I don't want to get into this impulsively.  After all, I've been warned away from you a dozen times."

"So this is about what people think of me."

"No, it's about what I think of you."

"This is very frustrating for me, you know."

"I can imagine, but just think, when I say yes, you can know I did so with full knowledge."

"What a comfort."

*~*~*

"Please tell you the god you believe in granted you with a little sense while you slept." Millie pleaded, sitting at the foot of Lily's bed the next morning.

"If you don't quit whining whenever I mention James, I'm just going to quit including you in my personal life."

  
"So he's your personal life now?"

"Possibly."

"Have you not made up your mind yet?"

"Of course I have made up my mind.  I just feel it would be rude if you knew before James."

"Can we at least go over the reasons why this is a bad idea again?" Millie tugged on one of her braids irritably, not seeing the bright side of this particular situation.

Lily gave the negative, and the girls decided they better be meeting for Amos for breakfast if there was going to be any breakfast consumed by them that morning.  Lily had the plan to meet James at breakfast, but that was quickly shoved aside when he wasn't to be found .  Instead, she tapped Remus on the shoulder.  "Do you know where I could find James at?"

"He's in the Head Students' Lounge working on that project."

"This early?  Besides, classes start in fifteen minutes, there's no way he can make it down here in time.  And that means I can't make it up."

  
"He has Study of Ancient Runes, it'll just take a couple seconds for him to get there."

"Uggh!" Lily sighed, and went over to Millie.  "Please take my stuff to class.  I have to make it to the North Tower and back in fifteen minutes."

"It's a sign!" Millie said excitedly, "You'll be late for classes, you can't make it in time.  Your god has spoken!"

"Get off your false prophet high horse and help me out, here!"

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Make sure Figg doesn't notice I'm late.!"

Millie dropped her head on the table in despair.  James would be the death of Lily.

Lily ran full speed toward the North Tower, home of the Head Students' Lounge, but full speed wasn't exceptionally fast for her.  After running up a set of stairs, she was at a brisk walk with a stitch in her side.  So, by the time she went up four more flights and down a thousand more yards, she was gasping and red in the face.  Lily, not knowing the password, rapped on the portrait frame.  While waiting on a response, she took the opportunity to ponder what in the world she was doing.  In all honesty, she could have waited until lunch to tell James she wanted to _update their status to couplish_  but she just didn't _want_ to.  

Lily knocked on the frame again, and called, "James?  Are you there?"

The portrait of a staunch lady glared at her.  "He is in there, but I don't believe you should follow him."

Lily rolled her eyes, and knocked a few more times, and finally, it opened.  James stood there, wearing wrinkled clothes, and he had a huge red print on his face.  "Have you been asleep?"

"Apparently.  What time is it?"

"Eight twenty three."

James growled and disappeared back into the room to grab his book bag.  "_How could I fall asleep?"_

"My guess is that you were tired."

"You are one bright cookie." James said dryly, and used some sort of charm on his robes to make them look fresh again.  "Why are you here, anyway?"

"I came to see you before classes."

"Oh!  About….?"

"Your offer.  Is it still open?"

"Do you want it to be?"

"Yes."

"Then it is.  Still open."

"Good.  I accept your offer to update our status to couplish."

"Why did you want to tell me three minutes before class started?"

"I wanted to tell you before I told Millie, and there was no way I would be able to hold out under her interrogation all day long." Lily smiled, and then frowned as she felt her heart speed up as she glanced at her watch.  "I've got to go.  I need to get to Transfiguration."

James stared at her.  "You're going to be late."

"Most likely.  Maybe not if I hurry."

"No, you're going to be late.  Even if you run full speed, trust me."

"Thank you for that bit of encouragement.  Oh how it bolsters me."

"But I know how you can get there in time.  Follow me." James grabbed her wrist, and started leading her at a fast jog down the hallways until he found a large column, from which he opened a hidden door close to the ground.  Lily's eyes widened, not fond of the idea.

"You won't be late."

"Well, okay." Lily crawled in behind him, then found that she could stand straight in the cavernous tunnel, and started to run behind James.  "Now you'll be late."

"I'm Head Boy.  I can create a crisis that needed my attention, and _voila, I am off the hook."_

"That is abuse of power."

"It's the way of the world, Lily, get used to it.  At least _I'm_ not making innocent people suffer in my abuse of power."

"I guess." Somehow, they did manage to make it to the door of the Transfiguration room five and three quarters minutes.  "Brilliant!"

"Call it my status update gift."

Lily laughed, feeling that this was one of those light and happy moments, the kind where the weight of the world has temporarily slid from your shoulders, and all you see are clear skies and songbirds.  "Well, thank you.  It was very innovative."

James cracked a wry smile.  "I do try.  I better go, or someone will have to have a brain contusion as my excuse."

"God forbid.  Have fun."

"You too." Lily smiled at Millie as she walked into the classroom, very much on time, and settled into her usual seat.  "Hello, Millie.  You didn't even have to create a distraction.  How _were you going to distract?"_

"I was going to tell her I thought my cat was sick." Millie laughed too, only at the thought of Professor Figg and cats.  Their Transfiguration teacher was an older lady who simply adored the family felidae.  She also loved fried cabbage, something Lily, Millie, and Amos all found very strange.

"And I was recruited to mention an article I didn't actually see in The Daily Prophet about the advantages of cats." Amos put in, stabbing his quill at Lily.  "No doubt I would be caught in a bald-faced lie and be made to groom all of her nasty little pets…without magic!"

"Oh, the horrors!" Millie mocked, then turned on Lily.  "So did you meet Mr. Tall, Dark, and Mean?"

"I have no idea to whom you're referring."

"James Potter." Amos supplied, quite unnecessarily, and both of his friends rolled their eyes.

"Yes, I did meet him."

"And."

"We have updated our status to couplish."

"Oh, God's socks!" Millie groaned, then nearly shoved Lily from her seat.  "You idiot!  I can't believe you actually went through with it."

"Hey!" Lily said, rather shocked.

"Okay, girls, settle down." Amos suggested, sounding nervous about being in the middle of a possible quarrel, his Quidditch captain the cause of it.  "I think class should be starting soon."

"Figg isn't even in here yet." Millie pointed out, then rallied on Lily again. "Haven't I told you time upon time that he's a disaster waiting to make a wreck of your life?  He damages anybody he's around, for the love of magic!  Why won't you listen?  I'm just trying to help you!"

"I have to go on my own personal experiences, and those experiences have not indicated he is some sort of raving psychopath on the rampage."

"Lily!  He-"

"Millie!  I don't want to hear it!" Lily hissed with an uncharacteristic snappish tone in her voice.  "I won't change my mind until I have irrefutable evidence.  Unless you give me solid proof he is bad, I'm not going to be a prejudiced little twit."

Millie  gazed at her attentively.  "Amos, we're in big trouble.  She swallowed the hook, the line, and the sinker."

"Pardon?" Amos asked blankly, not catching the fishing reference due to his only Magical inheritance.

"It doesn't matter." Lily told him, then to Millie, "He is nice to me, and I like him.  I would appreciate it if you could at least be indifferent instead of blatantly rude towards him."

Millie promised she would try, and Lily could tell this would be taxing, considering she could hear her grinding her teeth.

*~*~*

"James?" Lily asked, deciding this was one of those instances she should just jump right on in into the topic.  They had been going out for nine days, and she had had enough of Millie's perpetual growling, groaning, and teeth grinding when James Potter was mentioned.  

"Yes?" James glanced up from his notes, smiling a bit at her.  

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You may.  However I reserve the right to not answer."

"Naturally.  Why does Millie hate you?"

"I'm sorry, but I have to use the right now."  He  really did look regretful, to his credit.

"Why?"

"It's not my place to tell.  You'll have to get it from her."

"But she won't tell me!" Lily threw up her hands in frustration. "Every single day I listen to her gripe and groan about you, and nobody can even tell me why!  It is highly aggravating."

"Lily…I really don't feel comfortable telling you.  I don't think it would give our relationship a fair chance."

"That bad?"

"Oh yes.  That bad."

"Can I have a hint?"

"All it would take, Lily, is knowledge of my family.  And that is something I wouldn't wish on anyone."

Lily drummed her fingers absently for a few minutes, thinking.  "You know this is very perplexing."

"I can imagine."

"I can't imagine a family that is as awful as you describe them.  You make them seem like monsters, and Millie implies it, so did Barty, and nobody wants to explain it.  What do your parents do for a source of income?"

"I would suggest you stay out of all of my family's business." James told her coolly, but she was far from deterred.

"Are they in an illegal market?  Because if they are, I bet Dumbledore could probably help them see the error of their illegal ways.  Because of course, illegally is no way to be raising a child.  It would just teach him, being you, illegalness."

"Would you _please_ lay off the illegal crap?  They are not in anything illegal, other than the business of blackmail."

"That's the best semi-illegal business to be in, from what I hear."

"Why do I have the feeling you know not one blessed thing about semi-illegal affairs?"

"I have a very limited knowledge of not-nice things, that is true."

"Why you sheltered little hot-house flower."

Lily grinned cheesily and ruffled his hair.  "It's the way to be, I can view the world in a natural rose tint.    But anyway, all the articles mention Potter Industries or Potter Incorporated, but there is no description.  Is it manufacturing, or a service company, or what exactly?"

"I said _stay out of it_."

"It's an innocent question!  Remember, I'm a sheltered hot-house flower, I wouldn't know illegal if I saw it!  If you won't tell me, I'll have to guess.  Your family makes women's lingerie?  Right?"

"Uhhh…no.  Not quite."

"You manufacture parchment."

"Close."

"_Really_?  Wow.  I am good.  Okay, so, you uh…"

"We have a publishing company, among other not-so-innocent things you're too young to know about."

"That is blatant age discrimination!  You can't do that."

"I just did.  Go appeal to the high courts."

"You can be very disagreeable."

"That's the only thing that makes me a Potter."

*~*~*

Lily groaned as she felt somebody shake her Saturday morning.  "Stop it."

"You're going to be late." Millie told her, tossing some clothes at her, and buzzing around the room.  

"It's Saturday, you dimwit."  Lily shoved the clothes to the floor and rolled over.  "I sleep until nine thirty on Saturdays.  Leave me alone."

"Not anymore you don't, your marvelous new boyfriend is the absolute star of the team."

"Don't be so cruel." She muttered, and batted away Millie's hand.  "I don't watch Quidditch."

"You do now.  Come on."

"Noooo." Lily jerked her arm away and pulled up her continental quilt. 

"Fine.  But remember, I tried.  When James Byron the millionth comes back from his game with a killer bee in his bonnet, don't say I should have told you.  Got it?"

"I got it, I got it."  

*~*~*

"Kiddo, you're in for it." Millie told her three hours later, being the first to re-enter the common room.

"What are you talking about?" Lily closed her book expectantly, waiting to see what was happening.

Millie nodded at the portrait, and sat on a couch to wait with her.  Apparently, Millie had either left the game or the revelry afterward early, because the herd of students didn't come barging in for another five minutes.  After about twenty minutes, the Quidditch team itself tramped in, Peter Pettigrew brining in good amounts of mud with him.  James was the last one to come in, and by far the cleanest.  

And by far, he was the one with the largest frown.  Lily raised her eyebrows and smiled questioningly, and it was a smile he didn't even try to return.  He handed his broom to Sirius, and Lily rose to greet him.  "How was the game?"

"Fine."

"Did you win?"

"Can we talk outside?"

"Ummm, yes, I suppose we can."

Lily looked around as she walked with him into the corridor, and down aways, filled with silence and observation.


	7. Twisted

Summary: James Potter has seen only the dark side of life since he discovered a secret when he was thirteen, and since then, he has been becoming increasingly cynical until he has reached the point he could be described as misanthropic. He begins his search for the answer to questions that will change his life, and along the way he encounters a bright patch of light in his dark world, namely Lily Evans. 

Disclaimer: I unfortunately don't own the concept of Harry Potter, of Muggles and Magicals, and all that great stuff. 

**_When Dawn Breaks The Night_**

**__**

**Part One-Meeting the Dawn**

_Chapter Seven-Twisted_

For Lily's part, she mostly observed James's appearance. He seemed angry, a dark scowl ornamented his face, and there was a large crease in his forehead from drawing his eyebrows toward each other. And he was the only Quidditch player she had ever seen, not that she had seen all that many, who didn't look comfortable in his robes. 

The red and gold of the Gryffindor team uniform seemed out of place with his usual wardrobe of staunch black Hogwarts robes, and equally staunch causal clothes, always ironed perfectly, probably even starched if Lily's diagnosis was accurate. 

James's main observation was that she looked entirely too cheery after having dealt him a blow, that was in his opinion, below the belt.

"Well, I can see you're angry, and I do believe we're far enough from the inhabited portion of the castle, so do you want to tell me what's wrong? Or, you could sit there and chew on it, and probably get indigestion from your ire."

"You know what's wrong."

"Do I? I see no reason for you to be mad at me. I suppose you'll have to spell it out."

"You did not come to my game."

"You never asked me to."

"I shouldn't have to."

"I can't read minds. I never watch the Quidditch games, so I saw no reason to change my routine. I probably wouldn't even know where the pitch was if I didn't have to walk past it on my way to Herbology."

"I'm sure."

"I'm being serious!"

"It was humiliating for me."

"Come on, nobody besides Millie probably even noticed."

"Porter asked me about it."

"Oh."

James's face was increasingly turning red. "It's expected for you to be there! I looked like a moron."

"I don't see the big issue about me going to Quidditch games."

"Maybe I would like a little friendly support."

"You can have a little friendly support any time you ask. However, you _do_ have to ask, because _I_ can't read anybody's mind, let alone yours."

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"It _means_ that you are so mentally twisted that I don't know what to expect next. You have a family no one talks about, you have a secret connection with Millie that no one knows about, and _you_ are hot under the collar every five minutes about the injustices of the world."

James's jaw dropped in astonishment, and he stared for quite a little bit. "I cannot believe that you said that to me."

"You shouldn't be the only person allowed to dish out raw honesty."

"I suppose you're right. But I do not get mad every five minute over the injustices of the world. Only the injustices dealt me."

"Which I know are large in number, but you need to learn how to shake things off…just let it roll on by. I believe you're a prime candidate for cardiac arrest."

James narrowed his eyes, in just a slightly intimidating way, but Lily wasn't persuaded to stop the conversation, instead, she patiently said: "It's the honest truth, and I'm sorry if you don't like it. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying not to be stepped on too terribly."

James continued to watch her, and Lily stuck out her hand, as if to shake. "Let's make a deal: you have the right to expect me at your Quidditch games, providing you still want me to go, if I have the right to tell you what I think."

"I don't really think that's fair."

"I do. I don't like to watch Quidditch and you don't like to hear an honest opinion."

His jaw dropped. "That is _not_ true. I like an honest opinion when it is requested. Yours wasn't requested. It was too honest."

"I'm sorry I didn't sugarcoat it for you."

I-well, I don't, ugh. You, Lily, are impossible." He pointed his finger at her accusingly, and she grinned.

"You do realize that three fingers are pointing back at you."

"How creative."

"Classic material, sir, classic material." Lily took his arm and started directing him down another hallway. 

"Where are we going?"

"The unknown will be healthy for you."

"I don't like the unknown. Not one bit. I can't plan it to fit my needs."

"That would be the reason it's called the unknown…imagine that."

"Shut up."

"Anyway, I have prefect patrol, and I thought it would be a prime time for you to tell me about your game, since I did miss it."

"Prefect patrol?"

"Remember, you assigned it to me."

"I did not."

"Yes you did."

"I did not."

"Umm, yes, you did. Head Students create the patrol schedule. Remember?"

"I guess I did. Sorry. So what do you want to know?"

"What position do you play again?"

James stared at her incredulously, but he looked highly amused, "How can you be so unaware?"

"You would be surprised how easy it is. For me, at least."

James and Lily spend Lily's patrolling assignment discussing the Quidditch game, or rather, James telling Lily about it. She listened intently, and James was thrilled to have somebody's attention solely on him for one of the few times in his life. And at the end, she had one really excellent question. "So why do you play Quidditch even though you don't like it?" 

"_What?! I _never_ said I didn't like Quidditch! I play, don't I?"_

"I caught the implication, James. It's obvious you don't like Quidditch. You see, Amos likes Quidditch, and when he talks about it, he acts like the game is a Veela that happens to have his name on it. You don't."

"I-I…I don't want to talk about it."

"Why do you play?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because I'm curious! You don't seem like the sort that does anything they don't want to, but yet you are."

"Can I have a bit to think on it?"

"I think you know the answer."

"Of course I know the answer. I just want to decide how much I can tell you."

Lily shook her head. "If I wasn't incredibly optimistic, I would say you were a lost cause."

"I'm glad to know you haven't entirely given up." James smiled and took the large bag she was carrying that they had found in the halls. "I'll drop that by Figg's office on my way to the Tower. I'm going to shower, and I'll meet you if that's okay."

"It's fine."

"Where do you want to meet?"

"I don't care."

"The Quidditch pitch?"

"Uhhhh." Lily stared blankly. 

"Joking, joking. How about by the oak tree on the lakes north shore?"

"I'll be there in forty-five minutes. Is that enough time for you?"

"Enough for twenty showers."

Lily rolled her eyes and let him kiss her before he walked away.

*~*~*

"You're late." James said from his seat in the oak tree. Lily looked up, shading her eyes with her hand. 

"I was unavoidable detained. Are you going to come down?"

"Why don't you come up?"

"I don't know how to climb a tree."

"I'll teach you." James hopped down lithely. "You see, it's all about footing and grip. Watch me once."

James hoisted a foot up into a notch about waist level in the trunk, and pulled himself up to a new notch or knot. He repeated the process a few times, until he could lift himself onto a thick branch. James jumped next to her. "Now you try."

"Alright, where do I put my foot?"

"Where I did." James indicated, and Lily jabbed him with her elbow. 

"Seriously."

"I'm being serious."

"I can't lift my leg that high!"

"Sure you can, it's easy. And you're not that short. If you were Millie, I'd say you couldn't, but you're tall for a girl."

"Thanks," she said dryly, looking the tree up and down appraisingly. "Well, my leg doesn't move like that, sorry to disappoint. Maybe we should just discuss your Quidditch problem on the ground."

"Nope, it's in the tree or not at all."

"You little turkey!"

"Can I be a slightly more masculine animal?"

"Fine. You little tom turkey!"

"Excellent display of animal knowledge. Now about that tree…"

"I'll get it!" Lily was glad today was Saturday and she wasn't wearing her uniform skirt and robes. Somehow, she managed to get about eight feet off the ground. "What now?"

"Grab the branch and push yourself upwards."

Lily glared down at him, making it rather obvious she couldn't do that.

"Maybe you should try swinging your legs over it like an opossum hanging upside down."

She tried that, and after five minutes of heavy physical exertion was sitting on the branch. "I did it! And you enjoyed that very much, didn't you?"

"It was the most amusing thing I've seen all week." He was standing there with is arms crossed, looking near laughter. 

"Oh shut up!" Lily took the opportunity to throw an acorn at him, making him jump to one side. James quickly shimmied up the tree, thoroughly aggravating her. He leaned against the trunk, looking relaxed. 

"I found the owner of the book bag. It was a second year's."

"You weren't mean, were you?"

James opened a hazel eye caustically. "Me? Be mean?"

"Yes, you."

"No, I didn't do anything besides recommend that they put their name on the flap if they're going to make a practice of losing it. I was nice since they looked ready to cry anyway."

"How marvelous of you. I think you'll qualify for sainthood after that one."

"And they call me sarcastic." James laughed and smiled, and Lily looked at him strangely. "What?"

"Nothing. So what's with the Quidditch thing? What have you decided to tell me?"

"A surprisingly large amount. I play Quidditch to please my parents."

"I thought you hated them."

"I do, but I guess it's just easier than arguing with them. I've always been good at flying, even when I was little, so it's not something I can lie about. And I started playing at Hogwarts at a particularly traumatic time in my life, and I thought it would please them and maybe earn a little attention. It did, just not from them."

"So why do you still play?"

"I basically don't want to argue with them. I don't really care if I play or not, it's not any skin off my back. It just takes a little time, and school isn't particularly hard for me, so I might as well. If I quit, Dumbledore would feel the need to counsel me, and ask me dozens of questions about my life, then contact my parents, and one of them would undoubtedly come up here. I come to Hogwarts to get away from them; I can't handle it if they break into my ten and a half months away from them. It's not like I hate it or anything."

"Would you quit if you hated it?"

"Definitely. There are very few people I would do things I hate for, and my parents are not on that list."

Lily watched him for a bit, examining his face while his eyes were closed. "Why do you hate your parents so much?"

"Don't you think you've pressed your luck enough tonight?" he answered, not bothering to open his eyes, which sort of scared her more than a little.

"I think you're right. Would you mind moving so I can get down?"

"Just jump down."

"I'd rather not."

"You won't get hurt."

"I'd rather not risk it. I don't always land on my feet like some people."

"Witches don't get hurt like Muggles do."

"James, I want down. Now," Lily said icily, making him open his eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just want to go back inside."

"Oh. Okay." James jumped down while she climbed more slowly. Lily had intended to go back alone, but that wasn't happening. For the first time around him, she was actually scared. Something about the scene of him sitting in a tree in the twilight with his eyes closed had truly been frightening. She wasn't sure what it was, but it made her shiver. "Are you cold?" James put an arm around her shoulder, which she stepped away from.

"I'm not cold! Not at all!" Lily said hastily, speeding up. "Just preoccupied, that's all."

"Are you mad?"

"Me? Mad? I don't get mad. Merely disgusted."

"In that case are you disgusted?"

"Why would I be disgusted?"

"Because I didn't tell you about my family."

"I'm not disgusted! That's your business, not mine. I don't even know why you think I'm disgusted."

"Normal people don't act like they've consumed a cauldron full of caffeine. You're very antsy all of a sudden."

"I'm just thinking about something."

"What?"

"My Transfiguration project!"

"I can help you with it if you want."

"That's quite all right. I can get it."

"If you're sure…"

"Very sure." Lily hastily threw open the doors to the castle so hard that a suit of armor turned to glare at her. Or at least, if armor could glare, that's what it would be doing.

"Would you stop it?" James grabbed her hand to make her pause. "What the hell is going on?"

Lily looked down at their clasped hands, then without lifting her head, she looked up at him. "Nothing is going on."

"_Really? I think there is. One minute we're sitting in the tree talking, and the next you're running away from me. What happened?"_

Lily stared down at their hands again and didn't say anything.

"I really want to know. What did I do?"

"I…I'm not sure," she sighed. "I really don't know."

James was frowning heavily. "I thought you were different. Apparently I was wrong."

"What's that about?" Her head immediately snapped up, not liking the turn of events. This was his fault, not hers. 

"I thought we could last a little longer than ten days. It was a match made in Heaven. The only witch in the entire world who doesn't know my family. It was perfect!"

"I don't see the problem here," Lily said stiffly, hiding her hands behind her back. "Besides, you didn't even wait to see what was wrong."

"You don't like the issue of my family."

"Your family is not even a part of this! I am not so small-minded as to make a judgement on you based on your family, whom I don't even know!"

"Then what is the problem?"

"You scared me!" 

James looked at her in disbelief. "How did I scare you?"

"I don't really know. You've never scared me before. Granted, I've only known you for two months, but you weren't even being mean and nasty."

"So do you want me to be mean and nasty in the future?" He looked surprisingly serious about this whole thing, which greatly surprised Lily, it was something she wasn't expecting at all.

"No! I think…I think it just scared me that you were so nonchalant about your parents and Quidditch, and it's so completely different than how I would act." Lily put a hand to her forehead to shove hair out of her face. "I'm sorry for acting so weird, I'm still not sure what exactly happened."

James nodded and started to walk away from her.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Not really. I'll live."

She ran to catch up, "You're mad, aren't you?"

"No, I am not mad. I don't know. Can we just drop it? It's not really a big deal unless I scare you with regularity, then that could be a problem."

"If you're not upset, I'm not upset."

"I'm not the one that was scared."

*~*~*

Autumn passed, the weather being unusually cold in that particular portion of Scotland, making Lily dream of her thick carpeting and unending supply of hot cocoa from home. Granted, she didn't live in any sort of tropical climate, but her cozy house would be much warmer than the drafty castle. 

She was also looking forward to Christmas.

The sixth year girls' dormitory had been decorated to the nines since mid-November, a magically ticking countdown clock hanging over the door. The occupants were continually griping about being bombarded by tinsel and Christmas carol head aches, but Lily was enjoying it. 

So, when they had a Hogsmeade trip on the second Saturday before Christmas, she was concerned for very little besides gifts. So far, she had a gift for the Marauder, minus James, her parents, Vernon, Petunia, and some small gifts for her roommates. That left the people who were hard to buy for: Millie, Amos, and James.

*~*~*

The Marauders were all sitting in The Three Broomsticks, more than ready to idle their way through the last hour of the scheduled excursion. Sirius and Peter both had butterbeer while Remus and James preferred limebeer, which was basically butterbeer mixed with citrus juice. Most of the wizarding world abhorred the vile concoction, but somehow the dark friends managed to swallow it and live to tell the tale regularly.

"You know, personally, I think she's great." Peter said, giving his opinion on Lily, as had the other Marauders. The general consensus was that she was a keeper. They all liked her, and she liked them, what more could you ask for.

"She's snoopy." James said moodily, "I don't like that very well."

"But think how amusing it is." 

"It would be more amusing if she was on time."

"Since when are you a defender of punctuality?" Sirius asked, not at all perturbed by James's mood. He was always out of sorts during the Christmas season.

"Since she's eighteen minutes late. I was instilled with the importance of being on time."

"You were also instilled with distrust of human kind, dislike of human kind, pure meanness, an awful temper, grim humor, and just a tiny bit of cunning sarcasm," Lily said as she simultaneously gave him a greeting kiss on the cheek, sitting in her chair, and stuffing a large multitude of shopping bags at her feet. "But we still all love and adore you, all the same. I would send my apologies, but I see you've already had a good gripe about it."

"Hello to you too."

Lily positively beamed, "What can I say, I got stuck in a check-out line, spent an hour trying to decide if Amos would rather have a red or a blue edition of 'The Ultimate Magical Beast Encyclopedia', tried to find my best friend Millie something, and still figure out what in the world you would like! By the way, if you were Amos, would you prefer a red or a blue edition?"

Four blank stares hit her. 

"Hello?"

"You're very…uh…intense today, Lily," Sirius observed, his eyes wide. Nobody was too concerned with James's reaction, because over the months since school started back up, he had mellowed somewhat. It took a little bit more to make him fly off the handle, or have an emotional block these days. 

"So what about that book? I am _stumped_. Christmas is going to kill me. I can't handle this sort of stress. Can I have a drink of that, I am so thirsty. I nearly got in a wrestling match with a fourth year Ravenclaw over the last Christmas card in the entire town of Hogsmeade."

"You must be over reacting," Peter said, watching in disbelief.

"Sadly, I'm not. There won't be another shipment to Flourish and Blotts until December 23rd, and nobody wants to wait that long, especially if they're owled cards."

James returned with a butterbeer for her. "So did you get the card or not?"

"Well, yes."

"Way to make us proud."

Lily laughed, "I'm not even going to try to decide whether that's your nasty sarcasm or you're being serious."

"Nobody actually does, Lily." Sirius winked at her teasingly, then nudged James for no apparent reason.

"That's always good to know. So what is everyone's plans for the holidays?"

"We'll all be wallowing in good cheer, I assure you."

Lily didn't know Remus's comment was sarcastic until she heard James snort in that mean and nasty way of his. "What?"

"I'll explain later," James promised, catching looks from his friends. "Do you want to go for a walk with me?"

"Uhhh.," Lily hesitated, looking at her large pile of Christmas gifts.

"I'll split them with you."

"Okay. I think I can handle that." She handed him several sacks, just a few more than she kept for herself. "You do realize that I have to be at the carriage dock in fifteen minutes to watch for students ready to leave?"

James groaned, "Remind me never to make another schedule in my entire life. It always ends up coming back to haunt me."

"It was rather stupid to give me Christmas patrol."

"I know, I know."

"So, what _is everyone doing for Christmas?"_

"I'll only tell you if you promise not to go into of that pity crap of yours."

"Okay, I promise not to pull any of that pity stuff."

"Alright, well, it's actually worse than it usually is. Sirius is going home, his dad is dying. It's probably going to be the last Christmas of all three of them together. Remus has a werewolf clinic thing that he's going to. They want to see if some new herbs can put it in remission. Peter is the luckiest, everything is fine with him."

"And what about you?" Lily asked, looking up at him. She moved her packages around so that she could link arms with him. 

"I'm staying at Hogwarts. It's what I always do."

"Why?"

"I hate going home."

"Alone at Hogwarts isn't the best of ways to spend the greatest holiday of them all."

"Christmas is only great if you have family and friends, and a disgustingly perfect life to begin with. For us miserable despots, it's just another day for us to see what we don't have."

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "James."

"Please hold off on all lectures."

"If you wish."

"I do." Lily couldn't believe anybody could have that sort of opinion on Christmas. Christmas was wonderful. 

*~*~*

Author's Note: If anybody read off of e met her little brother. The Prequel can be read at reddholly.tk


	8. Chance

Disclaimer: I unfortunately don't own the concept of Harry Potter, of Muggles and Magicals, and all that great stuff. It's all JK Rowling's.  

**_When Dawn Breaks The Night_**

_Chapter Eight-A Chance_

Once she had returned to Hogwarts, Lily barricaded herself in Moaning Myrtle's toilet, that being the only place she could get reprieve from the human population of Hogwarts. She had wisely befriending Myrtle in second year, so the ghost wasn't a menace to Lily. She pulled out a sheet of parchment, a fresh quill, and set to work writing the most persuasive letter home she was capable of.   
  
*~*~*   
  
Over a week later, Lily received the reply. The time length had worried her, knowing her parents usually replied the minute they got the letter. This time it had taken so much longer.   
  
The letter came with the morning owl post four days before they left for Christmas Holidays, and Lily hastily tore the letter open, scanned it for general content, and let out a victorious yell. Next, she read it carefully, just to check things over.   
  
Dear Lily,   
  
Your father, Petunia, Vernon, and I have all reviewed this situation since we will all be spending Christmas together. If it was either Millie or Amos you would be bringing home, we wouldn't be so hesitant, but we do not know this boy. However, it is apparent that he needs to be shown the joys of Christmas. And, we did note your lack of relationship clarification between the two of you, which frankly makes us more than a little nervous. You may ask him home for Christmas, but it is a pending agreement, and he can be sent home at our discretions. I hope we are understood.   
  
We will meet you at Kings Cross on December 23rd as planned, love from us all. –Mum.   
  
"Good news?" Amos asked, tried to catch a glimpse of the paper.   
  
"Very. What brings you back to the Gryffindor table? You haven't been sitting here recently, have you?"   
  
"My connections at the Ravenclaw table fell through with," Amos answered dryly, apparently harboring no hurt feelings over the situation.   
  
"It's for the best, I always say. Anywho, I better start for class. Do you want to come?"   
"Why not."   
  
So Lily and Amos left the great hall, Lily waving at the Marauders as she walked past She began working on the next part of her mission: persuading James to spend Christmas with her family.

"I'm tired," Lily yawned and tipped her chair back.   
  
"Join the freaking crowd." James glared pointedly, reminding her that she was the one who wanted tutoring her Transfiguration test the next day.   
  
"I think this is as good as it's going to get. Let's call it a night, even though you're not tired."   
  
"I'm tired."   
  
"Your eyes don't have red lines like mine?"   
  
"So?"   
  
"So, most people get red eyes when they're tired. That leads me to believe you're not tired."   
  
"I can function on a minimal amount of sleep."   
  
"Insomniac?"   
  
"Exactly. All mentally twisted people have sleeping disorders, remember?"   
  
"You are rather mean, you know."   
  
"I've been told that a time or two, but I don't listen to malicious gossip."   
  
Lily snorted, finding his fractious attitude amusing instead of annoying. "James, do you want to come home with me for Christmas?"   
  
"What?"   
  
She had found that getting straight to the point was the best way to get through to him, this being no exception. Lily repeated the offer. "It's a no strings attached sort of thing. You need someplace to spend Christmas, and I'm offering you a solution."   
  
"I don't need anyplace."   
  
"Yes, you do."   
  
"I think I know what I need better than you do."   
  
"I'm sure you do, but most people like human companionship on internationally symbolic holidays."   
  
"I'm not some sort of wounded forest creature that needs to be nursed back to health."   
  
"Naturally not, but just think about it. I'm offering a friend a place to spend Christmas, James. I am absolutely free of any ulterior motives."   
  
"Thank you. I will think it over."

*~*~*

"Why don't you just go?" Sirius asked, trying to figure out what made his best friend tick.  

"Just go?  You don't _just go to your girlfriend's house for Christmas.  Especially not someone like Lily.  Her parents will think she's pregnant or something equally awful," James said, in a panic.  The situation was just too stressful, a lose/lose situation._

"She obviously wants you to go.  How many other girls have invited you to their house for something as special as Christmas?"  Sirius quickly amended, "Well, someone who isn't trying to get their hands on the Potter Galleons anyway?"

"Nobody, but I can't do this.  I'm not prepared to meet her parents.  We haven't been going out long enough!"

"Six weeks, almost seven.  She's not asking you to marry her, James.  Don't read too much into this.  She knows you don't have anyplace to go for Christmas, and she's giving you something to do.  Lily doesn't have ulterior motives, she's just trying to make you happy.  Think about how many people have done that.  Not many, is there?"

"It's a one-hander."

"That's precisely why you should go," Peter supplied from his own bed, where he was trying to locate the teachers on the Marauder's Map.  "She's just wants to make you happy, give her a chance."

"Yeah, give her a chance, Prongs," Remus mimicked.  

"Would the lot of you shut up?  Why do you think she's so nice, anyway?  You act like she's an angel."

"Pal, she's the closest thing you're ever going to see to an angel."

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"It means that attitude isn't going to get you through the pearly gates," Peter snickered.

"Alright.  I'll go if you all give me one good reason each why I should go."

"How easy," Remus said waftily.  "Child's play, in fact.  You don't have anyplace or anything to do this Christmas.  I know for a fact you weren't going to celebrate in any way whatsoever."

"Lily's family does Christmas to the nines, from what I hear," Sirius said.  "And you have _never had a real Christmas, not since you were tiny.  Your family doesn't even celebrate anymore."_

So now, everyone turned to Peter.  "She makes you happy.  You smile and laugh and seem happy around her.  She could make you happy on your first Christmas too.  Everybody deserves to be with someone they love on Christmas, and you don't love anyone to my knowledge, so you should at least be around someone you like, and you like her."

They were all surprised at how exact Peter's answer was.

James hated it.  He didn't like anybody seeing him that well.  But at least they didn't know why he was so afraid of going.  What if he liked Christmas celebrated like that?  It wouldn't be an annual thing, chances were it would be his only Christmas ever.  He didn't want a taste of something just to have it jerked away from him.  Even if it was only Christmas.

*~*~*

"Lily, I would like to accept your offer, providing it's still open."

"Huh?" Lily tried to remember the offer in question, "Oh!  Christmas!  Of course it's still open, James.  I thought you had decided against it."

"I had, until my friends intervened."

They were spending yet another night in the Head Lounge, getting nowhere with a bunch of documents.  

"In that case, I'm glad they intervened."

*~*~*

"I cannot believe you!" Millie screamed at Lily, frankly scaring her more than a little.  "Are you so unaware of the world that you'll put yourself at risk!  You're sillier than I thought!"

"Millie, I judge my acquaintances on how they treat me, and thus far, James has shown me respect and his own brand of kindness," Lily returned in a low, cool voice.  The yelling had been going on for about five minutes now, ever since she had told Millie James would be going home with her for Christmas.  Further arguing was interrupted by the door flying open, James Potter will be the cause.

"What is going on?"

"I could ask you the same question," Millie said tensely.  "After all, this is the girls dormitory."

"However, I asked first.  Lily?  What is all the yelling about?  You're audible in the common room, and I must say, you two ladies are having quite the interesting conversation." James had a cool smile on his face.  

"You can't go home with her for Christmas, you savage bastard."

"You will have to think of crueler names than that, _Miss Barstow."_

Millie lunged at James, apparently losing her very shaky grip on control.  He easily grabbed her wrists, and rendered her immobile.  "I think we need to talk.  If you're going to continue your friendship with Lily, and I'm going to continue my relationship with her, we're going to have work out a few things.  And I'm also in favor of disclosing the truth between us, but of course, that is your secret to tell, not mine."

"Let's take this outside."

"NO!" Lily screamed, blocking the door.  "You'll murder each other.  I won't allow it."

"Lily dear, I swear not to kill her, and she's not capable of killing me."

"That's what you think," Millie sneered.  "And we are _not telling her."_

"Outside.  Now.  And I think we are."

*~*~*

In exactly eight minutes, James and Millie had returned to fetch Lily, who was biting her fingernails while lying on the floor.  

"We're ready to tell you the truth," Millie sighed, and helped her friend up.  "By the way, I'm sorry for being a completely nasty person lately."

"Don't worry about it." Lily forced a grin, looking nervously between her friend and James.

"Come on." James smiled and took her hand, "We're going to have to go someplace more private than here."

"Like?"

"The Quidditch Pitch." 

"Oh, God."

James, at least pretending to be a gentleman, grabbed the cloak he recognized as hers from on top of her trunk.  "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

The trip outside was a silent one, and conveniently without interruptions.  

"I better sit down for this," Lily said grimly, plopping onto the sand of the field.

"Are you going to tell it or shall I?" James asked, hoisting an eyebrow at Millie.

"Go ahead."

"Last chance to turn back."

"I'm _not_ turning back."

"Brilliant." James turned sharply on his heel as he paced a three meter long strip of turf in front of the two girls.  "Lily, Millie here and I don't really get along because the two of us have been raised rather unjustly.  I am known to the world as the Potter heir, when in fact, Millie is James Potter's true offspring."

Lily's jaw dropped, and she sat in stunned silence until she could work saliva back into her mouth, "You're kidding me."

"Not at all," James said grimly.  

"My mother was a cook at the Potter house," Millie said simply, here head in her hands.

"See what I mean about a deteriorating family life?  My mother had an illegitimate kid, so her husband thought it would be only fair if he had one too."

"I'm hoping this is your twisted sense of humor breaking through."

"It is.  I don't pretend to know what goes through Potter Senior's mind, nor do I particularly care to find out."

Lily hugged Millie and watched James, "I'm sorry."

"You weren't the one who decided to screw around.  Sorry," James quickly apologized when he was shot two glares.  He was a little upset to find out he was receiving zero sympathy from Lily.

Millie, however, was rolling in it.

"I meant for being rude about your dislike for each other.  Now I can't say I blame you.  I wouldn't be entirely pleased if I was the cast-off while a random kid got the stardom."

"How do you think that random kid felt?"

"I'll talk to you later, James."

James made a sound of disbelief and threw up his hands.  

"Our conversations are always highly intriguing and demand my full intention."

Millie smirked and James made a face at her.  

By the time they had returned to Gryffindor Tower, Millie had tears and James looked thoroughly displeased.  The displeasure turned into a sulky pout by the time Lily came back downstairs to see him sprawled on a sofa, glaring at some first years finishing homework.  "I had to stay with her, she wouldn't have forgiven me if I had done anything else.  She hates you as it is, and that would grow even more if I left her to be with you."

"What about me?"

"I thought you were the more understanding of the two."

"You were wrong."

"So I see.  But I think we should move past it.  Turn the other cheek and all that." Lily hauled him from the sofa and led him down the halls.  "I'm also under the impression that you know more about the situation than she does."

"I do try to stay on top of things."

"I've figured that out in the short while I've known you.  How did you find out about her?"

James smiled, and she wasn't sure what exact emotion prompted it, considering it had been a highly limited amount of times he had smiled from happiness, like a normal person.  "My mother got…shall we say intoxicated, one night. She and Senior got in a huge row over a million things.  I heard them.  I watched at the stairs, and I didn't think they saw me.  It was so awful, they were screaming.  I always knew I looked like neither of my parents, and I had heard whispers all my life.  But that night, I was confirmed an illegitimate hoax.  Senior raised me to save the precious family name.  You see the name we have because of it.  Either way, my mother and I brought the downfall of them all."

Lily ran a hand up and down his arm that she was closest too, electing not to speak, just to let him talk. 

"I can't even remember the exact words they used, I didn't want to remember.  You know what though, he would have treated me like his son if my mother would have let him.  I remember him trying to do normal stuff with me.  We went camping together when I was eight, and he made my sister and mother stay home.  As I got older, she would start pulling me away from him and try to stuff my sister in somewhere."

"How old were you?"

"When I found out?  Thirteen.  I was home for Christmas break.  We never celebrated anyway, just treated it like another day, but I never went home after that."

Lily hugged him, tucking her face against his neck, imagining the pain he felt as an impressionable teenager who had just found out that his life shouldn't really be his life at all.  She still had so many questions, but she knew she had most likely hit the boundary of his revelations for tonight.

*~*~*

"Scared?" Sirius asked, watching as James put a few last minute things in his trunk to take to Lily's.

"No.  Not at all.  Just incredibly nervous," James said coolly, trying to decide if he would need his multi-utility pocket knife.

"She doesn't live in the woods, moron," Remus said with a grin, not being very good at hiding his amusement

"I don't know that, though.  I don't know how Muggles live."

"They're surprisingly civilized, right Peter?" Sirius winked at Peter, signaling for him to play along.

"Just barely so.  You better take your own toilet paper, only some Muggles have some for guests.  My dad never did until my mum showed him the error of his ways."

"Oh my God."  Shock was the only way to describe what was on James's face, along with a mingling of terror.

"You didn't know?  You have a lot of learning to do," Remus said, trying desperately not to laugh.

And of course, they enlightened him.

*~*~*

"You're parents will hate him," Millie warned darkly as she watched Lily put the wrapped gifts for her family and James in her trunk carefully.

"Probably."

"They'll absolutely _love_ him," Starla assured her, and Jeanne wasn't far behind.

"The Potters have excellent manners.  Even him.  My family went to a little event his parents held a few years ago, and James can act completely different in public."

Lily blanched.  That didn't sound necessarily good.  She had just gotten comfortable with the dark and generally depressed James.  She was going to jump out of the window if he started singing Christmas carols.

*~*~*

"Need any help with your trunk?" James asked, idly leaning outside of Lily's compartment.

"It can wait." She didn't look up from her magazine that Millie was reading over her shoulder.

"The train stops in five minutes, didn't you hear the announcement.  If  you don't get it down now, you have to wait for the crowd to clear."

"There's not much of a crowd during the Christmas hols," Amos explained, also reading the magazine.

"What are you guys reading, anyway?"

"About the establishment of a second Defense department in the Ministry," Millie said off-handedly.

"Did you know that they're adding Hit Witches and Wizards in besides Aurors?  Aurors are just going to work on Dark Wizards and the others are going to take care of criminals.  Neat, huh?"

"Absolutely bloody brilliant."

"Don't be so enthralled."  Lily grinned shook her head, "So how about you help me with that trunk of mine."

Lily and James left the compartment together, and Millie scowled at Amos.

*~*~*

"Did you, uh, have trouble…cramming?" Lily asked, her mouth twitching as she looked at James's bulging trunk on his trolley, a covered cage setting on top of it on a slope.

"It was unbelievable, I couldn't decide what to pack.  I hope it's not too cold where you live, because I only brought shorts."

"Why?"

"Isn't it hotter in the Muggle parts of the country?"

"No."

"Oh.  Crap."

"You don't know much about Muggles, do you?"


	9. Father

James shook his head, thinking this was a perfectly terrible start.  However, for probably one of the first times in his life, James was glad to see Potter Senior at the train station, inside of platform 9 ¾.  "I'll be right back," he promised Lily, and walked swiftly to his father.  "What are you doing here?"

"Picking you up."

Lily couldn't help but slowly drift toward them, her curiosity taking hold.  She marveled at the two standing next to each other, one dark, the other light and blonde.  It was definitely obvious they weren't related.  James's strong, harsh features were mirrored nowhere in his elder's golden aristocrat appearance.  

"What if I hadn't been here.  I never come home for Christmas."

"Dumbledore owled me to say you signed up to come home, so here I am."

"I signed up to leave, not come home."

"Are you staying with Remus?"

"No."

"Sirius?"

"No."

"Peter?"

"No."

"THEN WHO?" James Potter the XXIIV said tersely, clearly aggravated.  "I didn't come here to waste my time on an insolent brat who doesn't have a healthy respect for either of his parents."

James's eyes narrowed, and Lily silently wondered if that was his real expression that he just relaxed for most of the day.  "I reserve my right to privacy."

By this time, Lily had crept forward just a bit too far, and entered James's line of vision.  His father saw James's expression change, and turned to look.

"Are you going home with a girl?"

"Maybe."

"I demand an explanation.  It's not appropriate for you to-"

"Hey!  Drop it.  Besides, she's not what you're thinking.  She's nice, and she knows I've had a succession of crappy Christmases, so she invited me to have a nice one with her family."

"Fine.  So why are you talking to me?"

"Can you have one of the Elves go to Hogwarts and get my winter clothes?" James hated asking anything of his parents, and this particular request required a setting of the jaw.

"Why didn't you bring them initially?"

"Misinformation from my moronic friends.  They said it's warmer where Muggles live."

"She's a Muggle?" Senior arched an eyebrow, looking very skeptical.

"Born, and I like her, so leave her alone, Sir.  She doesn't know anything about the circus I grew up in, and you're not going to disillusion her."

"Or what?" Amusement and interest overtook the skepticism.

"Just think of the very worst thing I could do, and consider it done."

"Well, I believe your feelings on the situation are as clear as your mother's Italian crystal.  I'll get an Elf to visit Hogwarts.  Does this girl have an address?"

"She does, but I'm not giving it to you.  I want zero interference."

"It's as good as done."

"Thank you." James turned to Lily, who was a few meters away. "Sorry about that. But that was Potter Senior." 

So I heard." 

You're not, uh, scared, are you?" 

No. Why would I be scared?" 

Just checking. So are we going to meet your parents or what?" 

I suppose we can." Lily tried for a happy smile to smooth over the awkwardness of walking away from his father. "May I ask why your bird's covered?" 

Damon's at a rather delicate stage right now." 

Aww, is he sick?" 

Not seriously, don't worry. Who are we looking for?" 

My mum is picking us up." 

Great, all I have to do is analyze every woman at the station, that won't be hard at all," James said sarcastically, making Lily tempted to run over him with her trolley. 

I believe I can handle pointing her out, perhaps," Lily returned in a more mild sarcastic tone, causing him to turn and raise an eyebrow in her direction. 

Go over your family members one more time, please." 

Mum, her name is Annette. Then there's my dad, and his name is Robert. Petunia is my sister, and Vernon is her husband. Here, I'll go first." 

Lily stepped through the barrier when directed by the guard, and James soon followed. In truth, she was as nervous as James. She had seen his rather radical behavior patterns first-hand in the recent months, and to put it mildly, he wasn't her parents' favorite sort of person. Then, she spotted her mother, waving happily at her. "There she is, James." 

James immediately put on a polite smile that unintentionally made Lily giggle. A brief five seconds later she was enfolded in a tight hug. 

I'm so glad you're back!" Annette breathed, rocking Lily back and forth for a few moments as she always did during a homecoming. 

I'm glad to be back. Mum, this is James Potter." 

There was a brief pause as Annette sized James up; and of course, James wouldn't be James if he didn't size her up also. Lily had reached a high level of terror before James extended his hand, "It's wonderful to meet you, Mrs. Evans." 

It's nice to meet you too, James," Annette gave a smile, but Lily winced at the use of 'nice'. James showed no signs of noticing the phrasing, but she imagined he'd had a lifetime of that. "Well, shall we go to the car?" 

James abruptly grinned. "Car? Did you say car? You have a car? Lily, you guys have a car? Awesome!"

Lily stared at this abnormal reaction, and completely non-James attitude. "Umm, yes, we do." 

Sirius said most Mugg-er, non-magic people don't actually have cars and that's just a line of…crud that they feed us in Non-Magic People Studes!" 

I don't mind the word Muggle, so you can say it if you want," Annette said, looking amused. 

James, you really might want to forget most of the stuff Sirius told you about Muggles. I think the majority of it was false," Lily suggested, patting his shoulder comfortingly. 

I think you might be right." 

James's great mood died a quick death about twenty minutes into the car ride. He was sitting alone in the backseat, becoming increasingly nauseas; Lily kept looking back at him in worry. 

The trip had been okay until they got out of traffic and onto the open road, and then the trees started whizzing by at a rapid pace. It was all downhill from there. 

Mum, I need to go to the toilet!" Lily said forcefully. 

Immediately!" Actually, it looked like James needed someplace to throw up immediately. 

In fact, he thought the same thing.

As soon as the car rolled to a stop, James jumped out of the car and walked briskly around out of sight, Lily following.  "Are you okay?"

"How can I be after just getting out of that God-awful creation?  It's a nightmare!" James gasped for air, slowly regaining his composure.  

"I don't see your problem.  You ride on a broom, going at an equal speed, only you throw around a big red ball, and two others are being pelted at you," Lily tossed her hands up as she said this.  

"I'm distracted when I play Quidditch.  I don't see trees and livestock rushing by at an alarming pace.  And I didn't realize you actually understood that much of the game."

"I'm a jack of all trades, what can I say?  Just don't look out the window anymore.  Here, I've got some medicine that gets rid of headaches, so why don't you try it and you can nap on the way home.  Can you take medicine without water?"

James shook his head as he looked curiously at two little pills Lily offered him, otherwise known as aspirin. 

"There's a water fountain inside, just a little to your left.  Don't touch anything, though!" Once he was safely inside the convenient store, Lily got back in the car.

"Car sick, huh?"

"Yeah, but pretend you don't notice, he'll be embarrassed."

"Big on male pride?" Lily's mother asked with a wry grin.

"Yep."

"Doesn't know what to do without magic, either, does he?" 

"Apparently not," Lily said, holding back a laugh as James came out of the store with a large water spot on his sweater, looking extremely out of sorts.  He slammed the door with a little more force than necessary and buckled his seat restraint with a loud click.  James was silent for a full five minutes before Lily asked, "James, are you sulking?"

"No."

"Because she will stop this car." Lily turned to smile at him, her mother laughing.

"Was that supposed to be funny?"

"Yes."

"I don't like water fountains.  They are ignorant."

"Of course they are, they're machines," Lily said cheerfully.  "Relax though, we have a good old-fashioned faucet with cups at our house.  And a dryer for your shirt." 

James was not comforted by either assurance.  The encounter with his father hadn't done a whole lot for his state of mind.  

By the time the forty-five minute car trip was completed, Lily and Annette had discovered how cranky a sick, mad, unhappy, and wet James Potter could become in a short time.    

Annette had tried to make some sort of conversation with him, but she was met with rather churlish answers.  Of course, she had asked him what his family did for a living, and that certainly didn't help the situation a single bit.

Lily leaned her forehead against her window, savoring the coolness as she decided that this trip was a disaster.  And her mother couldn't let dead dogs lie.

"Do you enjoy school?  Lily mentioned in her letter home you are Head Boy."

"It's incredibly boring, and personally, I consider it a waste of my valuable time.  The majority of it is textbook material that I learned when I was eight in my reading primers.  I would prefer a situational education as opposed to out of the book drilling."

Lily groaned.

"That's an interesting way to look at it.  What sort of schools do wizarding children go to before Hogwarts?"

"Oh, God," she moaned, wishing for a quick death.  Why couldn't her mother just drop the conversation?

"Most go to an area school that offers writing, science, mathematics, and history.  I had a tutor."

"Interesting."

"So you said," James observed dryly.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Not anymore.  I ate them one night after I had been on enforced starvation from my parents."

"He's joking," Lily explained when her mother looked uncertain.

"I don't quite understand your sense of humor, James."

"I generally use satirical wit, it's much sharper than normal sarcasm.  It helps to cull out the morons."

Lily turned around to stare at him incredulously, and he raised his eyebrows at her.

Annette obviously felt a new topic was needed.  "Lily also said you play Quidditch.  You seem to be active in your school's affairs."

"I actually try to avoid affairs of all sorts.  They're bad for the Potters.  I do play Quidditch, but you seem to know that."

"Do you enjoy it?  Her friend Amos adores it."

"It's one of the things that give me the least amount of pleasure in life."

"Well," Annette clearly didn't know what to say at this point, so she drove ahead stoically, glancing back at James in the mirrors quite often.  Lily stared out the window, wondering how this could start out so badly.  James started reading a book he produced from his pocket.  "What are you reading?"

"The Left Hand of Darkness.  It's a Muggle book, as you probably know."

"Are you interested in the Dark Arts?" Annette asked, deciding to dump him here and there on the roadside if he answered the positive.

"MOTHER!" 

"Are you?"

"Only objectively.  I have no wish to practice it."

And he finally gave a good answer, for a very welcome change.  Lily sighed in relief.  

"Do you do drugs?"

"What?" James asked, not knowing what she meant.

"Wizards don't have drugs, it's exclusively Muggle."

"What about smoking?  Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Good."

"He's clean, Mum, leave him alone."

"What religion are you?"

"Religion?"

Lily hit her head against the window, knowing this would be bad.  Her mother would probably swerve across the other lane once the answer was given.  

"Yes.  What are you?  Catholic?  Protestant?  Buddhist?  Muslim?  Hindu?"

"I don't believe in God.  I think there is one, but I don't believe in it."

Lily prepared for the swerve, but there wasn't one.  

"Well, I suppose you can't blame the child, in this case, without blaming the parents first.  I would be interested to know what sort of childhood you had."

"Please, Mum, no social-worker stuff with him."

"It's his choice to answer, Lily; I'm just offering professional help."

"I decline a comment other than that I have no need for professional help."

"See!  You've made him mad.  James, don't be mad, she didn't mean to pry."

"I'll try not to be.  Are we almost there?"

"Ten minutes," Annette answered, and Lily was near tears.

When the car stopped, Lily again jumped out immediately and hauled James out.

"Are you mad?"

"Am I mad?  Funny you should ask that.  Yes!  I'm mad.  You were being intentionally boorish to my mother!  Are you stupid or something?  You told her you were an atheist, that you're interested in the Dark Arts, and that you enjoy wounding people with your sarcasm!"

"Was I supposed to lie or something?"

Lily ran her hands through her hair in aggravation, then took a calming breath.  "Couldn't you have sugarcoated it just a bit?  It doesn't matter now, though.  Just please try to be a little more sunny."

"I didn't know I had to act like a different person just to spend Christmas with you people."

"James.  You don't.  Just-" Lily broke off when she saw him grinning.  "I hope you're enjoying this.  I swear if you ruin my Christmas you won't know what hit you back at Hogwarts."

"Is that a threat, Miss Evans?"

"You bet your socks, Sir."

*~*~*

"James, this is my dad, my sister Petunia, and her husband, Vernon.  Wait, where's Vernon?" Lily looked around after she sat James's birdcage on top of his trunk.

"Grocery store for some toilet paper," Petunia clarified, looking James up and down.

James's eyes widened.  They really didn't have toilet paper!  They were getting some just for him.  "Hello."  He shook Robert's hand, and then looked at Lily for help as to what to do to her older sister.

"You can hug me if you want."

"Oh.  Right.  I didn't want to be too presumptuous."

"I'm sure you do worse to my baby sister." Petunia hugged James, and whispered in his ear, "I'm watching you, Slick."

"So where is James sleeping?" Lily asked, watching the situation warily.  

"My old room.  I'm sleeping with you, and Vernon gets the couch."

"I'll show him where it's at," Lily volunteered, picking up the birdcage again.  "Come on, James."

She showed him to an upstairs bedroom, decorated in hues of pink.  "Adorable, huh?"

"You could, uh, say that." James touched the white wicker furniture in disbelief.  "Why doesn't she look anything like the rest of you?"

"Who?  Petunia?  Don't worry, neither of my parents had an affair.  She's adopted."

"How much older is she?"

"Seven years, but they adopted her before I was born, so it doesn't seem that way.  Do you want me to uncover your bird?  What's his name?"

"Damon, and not yet; he's sensitive to light right now.  Why does your family hate me already?"

Lily turned to stare at him incredulously before turning toward the window again as she saw him unpacking.  "It could be that you were incredibly rude to my mother.  Yeah, I'd say that clenched the deal."

"I didn't think I was being rude."

"Trust me, she was an inch before dumping you at a truck stop."

"I'll try to act better from now on.  Really, I will.  And Vernon didn't have to go get toilet paper just for me.  I brought my own." James displayed several rolls of toilet paper with a proud grin.

First, Lily started smiling, and then she couldn't help but laugh.  "Do you always pack your own toilet paper?"

"No, but one should always be prepared when venturing among Muggles.  How did you stand not having toilet paper before you came to Hogwarts?"

"James, dear, did Sirius happen to tell you this?"

"No, Peter."

"He was lying.  Muggles have toilet paper too.  It was very considerate of you to bring your own though.  I guess."

"So what are we going to do now?"

"What do you mean?"

"What sort of Christmas-y stuff do you people do the day before Christmas Eve?"

"Decorate…obviously." Lily shook her head at him, as if assuming he was from a foreign planet.


	10. Decorations

"Can we please stop yet?" James whined, sounding close to the point of begging. "I'll pay you."  
  
"I'm not like that, sorry." Lily handed him another string of lights.  
  
"But I'm cold and I want to go in. What's the stupid point of putting up yet more lights two days before Christmas? I hate this, it isn't fun."  
  
"It wouldn't be if you weren't whining."  
  
"It would be if it wasn't in the negative degrees!" James retorted, his breath freezing.  
  
"I told you to put on an extra sweater, but who listens to Lily? You would think I knew about Christmas decorating or something."  
  
The two of them had been assigned decorating detail. Her parents had looked wary about this, apparently wondering if James would strangle her with a string of Christmas lights.  
  
"I didn't realize I would subjected to subzero temperatures for long periods of time."  
  
"I don't see why you're not putting a little effort into this, James. You're acting like a stubborn little spoiled brat."  
  
"I am not."   
  
"You are too. You're not even giving Christmas a chance, and it's truly awful of you. Since you got off the Hogwarts Express you've been acting completely terrible, like a different person. I don't especially like this person."  
  
"I can't help it if you don't like me."  
  
Lily opened her mouth to say something, then gritted her teeth.   
  
"Are you counting to ten?"  
  
"Already did it, I'm working on fifty now."  
  
"I see." James stuffed his hands in the pockets of the new pants a House-Elf had delivered to him, then started wrapping lights around the fence when Lily glared.

*~*~*

"JUST EAT THE BLOODY SANDWICH!"  
  
James's eyes widened at, what he considered, uncalled for verbal abuse from Lily's sister.  
  
"Stop picking at it," Petunia drew an audible breath of calming air. "We are not trying to poison you, contrary to your apparent belief."  
  
Lily shook her head (It was beginning to be an automatic reflex) and got the aspirin bottle from the cabinet.  
  
"How many is that today?"  
  
"Not enough for this headache. You people are driving me insane. I can't take it anymore." Lily turned on James, "You have been dragging your feet the entire day. I asked you to come so you could have an enjoyable Christmas, not ruin mine like you're doing. And you! Petunia, just leave him alone! If he doesn't think he can handle a ham sandwich like the rest of the free world, just let him starve or find something on his own. And Vernon, stop yelling. Everyone please stop yelling." She buried her face in her cupped hands. "You guys are ruining Christmas. It's supposed to be peace and goodwill, but my family and my boyfriend are fighting constantly. I wait ten months for the holidays to come around again, and here you guys are, arguing on the best holiday in the entire year. Just stop it."  
  
"Is she crying?" James asked Petunia in blatant horror.  
  
"I'm not crying, you imbecile. I'm just frustrated. When will Mum be back?"  
  
"In about thirty minutes, why?" Petunia asked, after consulting the clock.  
  
"I'm going to go for a quick walk; I'll be back." Lily stood up and grabbed her coat from the closet before popping back in the kitchen with her still sitting family. "James, when she gets back, we're making a gingerbread house. You have thirty minutes to improve your mood."  
  
"I'll go with you," James offered, trying his very best to sound helpful. In reality, there was no way he was going to stay alone with Petunia and her rather fierce-looking husband.  
  
"I really don't care."  
  
"Great!" he exclaimed loudly, snapping out of a chair.  
  
Lily rolled her eyes, "Put on more clothes if you're going with me, though. I don't want to hear a single syllable about the coldness."  
  
"Okay." James ran upstairs to apparently get something warmer, while Lily grabbed a juice box from the refrigerator.  
  
"He'll probably abduct you on the walk," Petunia predicted, lacing her fingers together.  
  
"I can only dream."  
  
*~*~*  
  
"I know I'm not supposed to ask you personal questions, but-" Lily started, but was interrupted by James.  
  
"I never said you couldn't ask me personal questions."  
  
"I sort of got that impression when you clam up and act grouchier than usual whenever I ask. However, since I have apparent permission, I'll take advantage of it. Where do you live that you can't handle this sort of weather, but go to Hogwarts and have a British accent?"  
  
"Here and there and in between."  
  
"James."  
  
"You asked, I answered. We don't really have a set residence. Unlike your family, who has an endless supply of pictures and personal possessions, we have the unique ability to be packed within a day. When I was younger, my mother and I moved to someplace warmer in the winter. I always stay in England now, though. No matter where we lived, I would have gone to Hogwarts. Potters go to Hogwarts, you know. Yet another hoax that is my life."

Lily couldn't think of a reply to his statement, so she continued along the shoveled pathway. Apparently, it had snowed a few days ago, and the snow was now muddy and trampled in most places.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
"Do you want to go build a snowman?"   
  
"Pardon?"   
  
"Snowman. Do you want to build one with me?"   
  
"The snow is just slightly ruined, wouldn't you say?" James indicated to the piled up clumps alongside the sidewalk.   
  
"It won't be at the park. When we were younger, that's where Petunia and I would go after we had used all of our own snow."   
  
James looked indecisive, so Lily made the command decision, "You'll love it, let's go."   
  
"I'm not really the play-in-the-snow type of person." James tried to slow her down, not for the first time of their short vacation.   
  
"You just haven't had fun playing in the snow before. Come on, James, just try to have a good time." She gave him very little choice in the matter as she tugged on his hand. In just a few minutes, they were at a small park that was already hosting a large snowball fight.   
  
"Oh, look, it's occupied. Damn the luck anyway. Let's leave."   
  
"Oh no. Nobody's over there."   
  
"I'm not playing pretend fight with a bunch of twelve year-olds."   
  
"I wouldn't expect you to do anything fun, don't worry."   
  
"I can have fun," he muttered darkly, turning around to watch Lily. "What are you doing?"   
  
"I'm walking in your footprints so I don't mess up the snow. What are you doing?"   
  
"Watching you. Obviously. You are honestly crazy. So what do we do now?"   
  
Lily stopped smiling. "Have you never built a snowman before?"   
  
"Not a real one, no. I assume we're making one out of large balls. When I was little I made some just out of big piles of snow, but that's about it."   
  
Lily thought that was probably one of the saddest things she had ever heard, but decided it would be wise not to comment. "I'll teach you, don't worry."   
  
*~*~*   
  
"Why doesn't mine look like yours?" James tilted his head to one side as if he was an artist examining a new work. Lily got up from her snow angle to have a good impression.   
  
"I think it's because you made the torso bigger than base ball. You also dropped the top one, right? I'd say that's why it looks like it just had surgery."   
  
"By a bad doctor."   
  
"I wasn't going to say that, but I was thinking it. It's not bad for your first one, though. Brush the snow off my back, would you? I'd prefer not to be soaked by the time I get home." Lily laughed, when she saw one of the kids in the snowball fight fall down. "Sure you don't want to play? It could be fun. You liked the snowman, didn't you?"   
  
"You never give up, do you?"   
  
"I avoid it whenever possible. Come on, let's try it. We can wait until tomorrow for the gingerbread house, we have all kinds of time. The Christmas tree farm won't be open until six, that's when Roy gets off from the store."   
  
"Why are we going to a Christmas tree farm?"   
  
"To get a Christmas Tree, obviously."   
  
"No, it's not obvious, just like decorating wasn't obvious."

"Okay, so I'll explain the natural course of Christmas. It's all about having fun. We only get it once a year, and that's it, so we make the absolute best out of it. When you decorate, it's even more fun, because then it become palpable. You can feel Christmas. And for me, Christmas isn't just a day, it's the buildup of the preceding months, when I think of every Christmas image I've ever seen, and imagine that for me. I might never get to see people walking down the streets, bundled up under a light snow with wrapped packages tucked under their arms, but I can always think, that'll happen next Christmas, and who's to say it won't? It could happen, and I won't ever give up on that. The dream of the perfect Christmas is something I have all year long. The music sounds special, it makes me feel like everything is okay just for now, and I don't need to worry. And then, when Christmas comes, I always think this is the biggest day of the year. There's only one, so great things just have to happen. I love it."   
  
"That's obvious."   
  
"Are you sure?" Lily asked with a grin.   
  
"Most definitely. So are we going to decorate this tree too?"   
  
"Of course. You can't just have a random tree sitting in your living room. So how about that snowball fight?"   
  
"There I draw the line."   
  
"But what about the spirit of Christmas?"   
  
"Well, when you put it like that…no."   
  
"I guess it's too early for a Christmas miracle yet."   
  
*~*~*   
  
"Remember, nobody finalize and pay for a tree without consulting me first. Got it? Especially you, Mum." Lily gave everyone a stern look, then tugged her hat further down on her ears, but as a result, it also covered her eyebrows. Everyone had trampled out to the tree farm after Lily and James had returned home, the gingerbread house being put on hold. There was also a slight argument over which vehicle they would be taking and who would be driving. Apparently Annette had told the family about James's carsickness. "Okay, let's split up to be the most productive. Remember; shake a branch to check the durability."   
  
The entire group had small smiles of amusement on their faces.   
  
"This is serious stuff, people! I won't tolerate a shabby tree. Now let's get to it."   
  
Immediately, the couples took off in opposite directions.   
  
"Well. It looks like I'm stuck with The Christmas Freak."   
  
"Shut up and come along."   
  
James was actually pretty sure this was one of the more boring tasks in life on its own, but Lily had a rather unique way of spicing it up. She had a process for selecting the tree. First, she would walk around the tree, examining it from all angles. Then, she would shake the branches and examine the color. After both of those tests had been passed, she would smell it. She was looking for 'A good, woodsy smell'.   
  
"Looks like you've brought along a serious shopper, James."   
  
James nearly jumped at the voice behind him, but didn't since it was immediately placed. "Wait until she starts smelling one."

"So is this who hauled you from the Cornwall cliffs?"   
  
"I seldom go to the Cornwall cliffs nowadays, Harold. Not if I can avoid it. As much as the cliffs suit me, Senior and Mother don't. I was planning on staying at Hogwarts, but she invited me."   
  
"Does this she have a name, or does she let you call her She?"   
  
"James, I found the one!" Lily was grinning from ear to ear as she waved him over.   
  
"Come on, and I'll let you meet her. I've already had instructions once I started lagging behind: She isn't leaving the tree; she doesn't want somebody to steal it."   
  
Harold Croaker raised his eyebrows. He had known James for several years. He had been captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, responsible for selecting and training James his first year as a chaser. Harold had seen a great deal of James's personality alteration, and a girl that sniffed Christmas Trees was either a complete mismatch or just what he needed.

 "Lily, this really looks like the first tree that we saw.  The one I liked." 

"The one you liked had a dead branch.  Is this a friend of yours?" Lily smiled, and held out her hand for Harold to shake.

"Actually, yes.  He was my first Quidditch captain.  You should remember him, but I'm not surprised you have no idea who he is." James made the introductions, and round of smiles being in place.

  
"You don't follow Quidditch?" Harold asked, looked surprised yet again.

  
"Not voluntarily.  I'm pretty sure James is planning on making my presence a requirement in our relationship, but that is the extent of it."

"Sounds…interesting, to stay the least.  I haven't ever seen you around before.  Are you from around here?" It was apparent Harold wasn't asking to be rude or petty, but because he genuinely didn't know the answer.

"Just down the road, actually.  My parents are Muggles."

"Ohhhh.  I see now.  Interesting.  Very interesting."

"Nobody has ever said I was so interesting.  I think I might like you."

"Glad to know, you're among the select few.  Do you, uh, smell trees often?"

  
"Only at Christmas.  Would you like some tree selection tips?"

"She's got a load of them, Harold," James added, being delegated to the observer in the situation.

"Enlighten me."

James groaned.  He would have to say that.  And of course, Lily had to give her fifteen minute long spiel.  "The tree is going to be dead soon."

"No it won't.  It's a healthy one.  I checked, silly."

"Yeah, silly," Harold smirked , turning to watch James.

"Oh shut up."

"So tell me, why does a nice girl like you put up with a thoroughly nasty person like him?" 

"It's a mystery yet to be explained.  You have to admit, though, his bad temper is just a tiny bit amusing."

"That's an original perspective."

"Would you two quit examining me?  Let's get the damn tree and get out of here.  I'm cold."

"See what I mean?" Lily grinned at both men, then tugged her hat down firmly again.  "I'm going to go locate my family.  Don't let anybody take this tree."

"What am I supposed to do, throw an eight-year old in the ditch if they want it?"

"I was thinking you could just scowl at them.  You're pretty good at that, you know.  I'll be right back." 

James and Harold watch Lily kick through the snow and occasionally spin in a circle or two.

"After seeing this display, I have only one question:  what the hell are you doing?"

"Probably losing my mind."

Harold looked like he had just been privy to some sort of great joke.  "I would have never imagined you with someone like that.  I'm dumbfounded.  She actually seems nice."

"What are you implying?"

"The exact thing you think I am.  I'm saying you're hardened, cynical, and not at all nice.  I can't imagine you with someone who smells Christmas trees and wears a hat that says "I WANT TO BE MRS. SANTA CLAUS," no matter if she is cute or not."

"She is, isn't she?"

"Absolutely adorable, but let's get back to the hat.  _Where_ did you find her?"

"Hogwarts, of course.  Sixth year Gryffindor Prefect, currently leader in the race for next year's Head Girl, what more could you ask for?"

  
"A seventh year would have been perfect, but such things seldom happen.  You're staying at her house, though?"

"Yeah, and may I add, Christmas is kicking my butt."

"Butt?  Since when do you say butt?  Christ, I can't believe this.  I wish you two had gotten together sooner, for my amusement alone.  Do you think you could get me an invitation to dinner?  I would love to watch the entire drama."

"Probably not, her whole family hates me.  She has a sister who has threatened to stuff a sock down my throat while I sleep, and today is the first time I met her.  I certainly don't need you or your comments, both will get me in hot water.  On another note, how's work at the Ministry going?  I still can't believe you quit the Magpies."

"I have no particular love for Quidditch either.  You're a captain after my own heart.  I'm proud to say you're my prodegee." Harold ruffled James's hair teasingly, getting a sneer of disgust.  "I know, I know.  But look, here comes the portable field of tall grass, sunshine, and butterflies.  We're both saved from our pits of misery."

"Speak for yourself, you are _not visiting us.  I don't care if I have to tie you to one of these blasted trees."_

"Nice to know we're friends."

*~*~*

"Can you scoot over any more?" Petunia snapped at James, not being happy about her sandwiched position between him and Vernon in the backseat.  Lily had been elected to sit in the front between her parents, and she turned around to raise her eyebrows at the situation.

"Do you expect him to collapse into himself or something?"

"He has more room than I do!"

"I'm bigger than you are!" James stated the obvious here.  "And Vernon _is_ taking up more room than me."

"He's bigger than you are!" Lily grinned.

"Can't the three of you just sit back there and be good?" Mr. Evans asked, turning to look in the backseat.  "Don't make me pull this car over and administer spankings, children."

"Spankings?" James asked in disbelief. 

"James, just be quiet.  _Please_, be quiet." 

As it turned out, the car was pulled over, but it was for Lily to trade Petunia places in the back seat, hopefully to eliminate most of the argument. 

Then, the comedy commenced.  Once they were home, the tree was installed in its stand, and everyone started decorating.  James got tangled in the garland three times, only one of them being a product of Lily's amusement.  He also successfully smashed a glass bulb, but since he fell down in the process, there weren't a lot of hard feelings.  After James got a string of lights stuck on his arm, they delegated him to handing Lily the ornaments.  Everybody else was exhausted and drinking hot chocolate as the two finished up.  The hanging of the ornaments was traditionally Lily's task; when she was little, she didn't have the patience to untangle the garland ropes or lights.  

When they were finished hanging the silver and gold decorations, Lily smiled happily.  "It's time for pictures, I'll get the camera!"  When she had returned, her mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law were standing in front of the tree, but James had skulked unobtrusively to the side, out of the picture.  "Nuh-uh, James, get in there."

"Don't you want me to take the picture while you get in there?" James's head had snapped up in a hopeful manner that made her feel heartbroken for him.

"You can in a minute, but you need to be in a couple." Lily waved him in and waited for everyone to smile before making the camera flash.  Then, she had Vernon take a picture with her in it, then James took a picture of the whole family. 

It was James's first Christmas picture since he was three.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**It's coming on Christmas   
They're cutting down trees   
They're putting up reindeer   
And singing songs of joy and peace   
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on   
But it don't snow here   
It stays pretty green   
I'm going to make a lot of money   
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene   
Oh I wish I had a river   
I could skate away on   
  
Oh I wish I had a river so long   
I would teach my feet to fly   
Oh I wish I had a river   
I made my baby cry.   
  
She tried hard to help me   
She put me at ease   
Lord, she loved me so naughty   
Made me weak in the knees   
**I wish I had a river I could skate away on   
I'm so hard to handle   
I'm selfish and I'm sad   
Now I've gone and lost the best baby   
That I ever had   
I wish I had a river   
I could skate away on   
**  
**Oh I wish I had a river so long   
I would teach my feet to fly   
Oh I wish I had a river   
I made my baby say goodbye   
  
It's coming on Christmas   
They're cutting down trees   
They're putting up reindeer   
And singing songs of joy and peace   
I wish I had a river   
I could skate away on.****

*~*~*

_Robert Downey Jr._

Author's Note:  A few chapters back someone commented that they thought my fics were getting a little lighter.  I seriously hope they still leave you with a good sense of sadness.  This one will get brighter before it hits black again, things are far from over.  If you skipped over the lyrics, I encourage you to read them; I think they fit the situation tremendously.  Next chapter:  Petunia and Lily talk, Lily and James have a late night chat.


	11. Noel

**Christmas comes but once a year for ev'ry girl and boy,  
The laughter and the joy they find in each toy.  
I'll tell you of a little boy who lives across the way;  
This little feller's Christmas is just another day.  
  
He's the little boy that Santa Claus forgot,  
And goodness knows he didn't want a lot.  
He sent a note to Santa for some soldiers and a drum;  
It broke his little heart when he found Santa hadn't come.  
  
In the street, he envies all those lucky boys,  
Then wanders home to last year's broken toys.  
I'm so sorry for that laddie;  
He hasn't got a daddy,  
The little boy that Santa Claus forgot. **

_Tommie Connor, Jimmy Leach and Michael Carr_

*~*~*

"Petunia?" Lily asked quietly, lying in bed that night. She and her sister were sharing a bed, Vernon on the downstairs couch, and James in Petunia's old room. 

"Lily, you're going to ask me what I think of James, and sweetheart, you really don't want to hear what I think. For one reason, my opinion isn't going to change yours, and two, it isn't a good one. I suggest you go to sleep."

Lily rolled over to see Petunia's back. "He was rather…unruly today, that's all. He isn't really very comfortable with most people, you just saw the bad side of him. He really is a wonderful guy."

"I'm sure he could charm your socks off. Or more."

"_Petunia_. Please. He is very nice once you get to know him. He's incredibly smart."

"I caught that, only intelligent people can reach that degree of sarcasm. I suppose you'll also tell me he loves furry bunnies."

"I think he's more of a woodland creature lover myself. He's very loyal."

"I bet. Not many people could handle him; he's got to stick to what he has."

"Why can't you be a little more optimistic?"

"I will be if he is. Honestly, Lily, he's your complete polar opposite. You love everyone. James, my God, he looks like he's someone who has seen a great many things in this world, and he doesn't particularly like any of it. That's what I think about him."

"So? He's had bad experiences in life, things neither of us has had to go through."

"What? Parents who wish you weren't there? Lily, I am _adopted_. Do you think that means that I was taken from the womb of some nice woman? No. I was four when I was adopted, I can _remember_ that orphanage. I know what it's like to have nobody want you."

"But you were adopted soon. He's eighteen, nobody will ever adopt him. All he can do is hope to find somebody to have his own life with."

"I'm throwing you out the window in hopes to knock some sense into you if you think you can be that somebody," Petunia said, sounding dead serious.

"Of _course_ I don't! That'd be silly, I'm only sixteen."

"Speaking of that, isn't he a little old for you?"

"He's only two years older than me; Vernon's three years older than you. I like James, Petunia. Just give him a chance, you might like him."

"I doubt it. I very highly doubt it. Why should I? He's been rude, mean, disagreeable, and generally a dark, scowling cloud since he got here."

"But he _can _be nice. He's also funny once you understand his sense of humor. And he's honest. Let's not forget he's good-looking, adorable, wouldn't you say?"

"If you like that type. Rich, isn't he?"

"From what I gather, though I have no first-hand knowledge." Lily sighed, realizing how bad this trip was actually going. She felt anger at James for not trying, but at the same time, she understood it was hard for him too. "Can't we please just have a giggly sister to sister conversation about my new, very cute, boyfriend? Please?"

Petunia gritted her teeth. "Fine, giggle and tell me about James."

"Concede that he's cute," Lily laughed and playfully tapped her on the back.

"Do I have to?"

"If we're going to have a giggly conversation, then yes."

"Christ. Alright, he's…good-looking."

"I love his hair, don't you?"

"_Lily_! I don't…ugggh. Fine. He has…interesting hair."

"I agree. What about his eyes?"

"I don't even know what color they are."

"Brown with lots of gold, and it makes you positively dizzy, like the kind they make statues out of."

"Lily, dear, that's call hazel."

"But they're _brown and gold_. He plays Quidditch, you know."

"You don't like Quidditch."

"I might once I actually watch it a bit. What about his hands, he-"

"AAAHHHH!"

"Petunia! Why can't you go along with this?"

"Why can't you go to sleep?"

"I'm too excited about Christmas. I'm going to go get a drink; I'll be back in a minute." Lily crawled out of bed and slipped her glasses on, purposely tugging the blankets off of Petunia to earn a growl. She quietly wandered down the stairs and was very surprised when she saw the dim glow of the Christmas tree lights from the living room. "Hmm, I thought Mum unplugged those."

"I hope you don't mind, I plugged them back in. I'm sorry."

Lily jumped at James's voice from the window. "I didn't see you there. It's not a problem as long as someone's still awake. We just wouldn't want the house to burn down. What are you still doing awake?"

"I don't go to sleep as early as you guys. I never fall asleep naturally before midnight, so I just stay awake; no point in wasting time."

"You're right." Lily went to sit beside him in an adjacent chair.

"Why are you still awake? I highly doubt you have angstful thoughts that keep you awake and eventually lead to deep, insightful brooding."

"I was just coming to get a drink, saw the lights, and here I am. Do you enjoy astronomy? I saw you looking at the stars."

"Nope, too much like Divination. I believe they're sister studies."

"I believe the comment was, 'I don't need to know what sort of unhappy peril awaits me in my future years of unending torture'."

"Umm, yes, pretty much. Let's not forget the pessimism."

"Like you have a problem with that."

"Are you mad at me?"

Lily raised her eyebrows at the question, even though no one could see it. "I was. I don't really think I am anymore, though. I'm more disappointed."

"Ahhh, the guilt trip."

"Yes, you are now among the privileged number of males who have been put through it. My family isn't seeing what I'm seeing when they're around you, but I know they will if you just relax a little bit. And please, no more eating small children jokes, they don't see the humor."

"I'm _trying_, but it doesn't help when you're sister is baring her teeth, your precious brother-in-law looks ready to jump on me, your mother looks ready to stab me with her butcher knife, and your dad just plain wants to beat the crap out of me. It's not a friendly situation."

"_James_."

"I know, I know. If it makes you feel better, I'll try."

"Thank you. Don't try reading without turning on the ceiling light, you'll ruin your eyes."

"Yes, Mum."

"Now mind me, Sweetums," Lily cooed, and patted his cheek mockingly. "Do you want something to drink while I'm in the kitchen?"

"Sure, why not?"

James followed her in the kitchen, but as she was heating the milk for hot chocolate, Lily noticed he drifted to the doorway where he could see the sparkling lights. After tossing in a few marshmallows, she handed him a cup and took a sip from her own glass of water. 

"Why water?"

"Hot chocolate isn't a just before bed drink, water is. Anything that is stimulating isn't a just before bed drink, come to think of it. I'm going back upstairs now, g'night." Lily leaned to give him a hug, and smiled when she felt the roughness of his cheek against hers. "Don't forget to unplug those lights, and be careful and don't shock yourself."

*~*~*

"Lily?" James asked the next morning over waffles topped with some sort of apple sauce.

"Yeah?" she responded dully. The effort required to transport the waffle from her plate to her mouth was just about too much at eight on the morning of Christmas Eve. Technically, she shouldn't be up yet, but the sound of Christmas Carols from the kitchen had drawn her from bed.

"I would be interested in that snowball fight if it's still up for grabs?"

Lily paused, her fork sticking out of her mouth. She hastily removed it and swallowed her waffle, getting it caught just enough she had to cough. James was sitting across from her, chewing calmly and acting as if she were some sort clown show. "Seriously?"

"Yes."

Lily smiled, or more accurately, beamed like a Christmas tree. She had dressed in a dark green turtleneck with tan pants, green and red ribbons braided into her hair to top off the outfit. When she had walked in, James had spotted candy-cane striped socks that made suspiciously jingling sounds had bedecked her feet. "Let's go."

"I would actually prefer to finish eating first. I can't do something new on an empty stomach, not to mention these waffles are amazing. I'm going to kidnap your mother. Do you think you could get her to marry me?"

"Are you in the marrying market?" Annette asked, actually smiling at James as she entered her cooking domain.

"It depends if you're interested."

"In that case, no."

Lily was positively ready to shout hallelujahs at the top of her lungs. What more could she ask for? Her boyfriend and her mother were joking with each other, not yelling. Life was beautiful. 

"I'm sorry, but I'm happily married."

"I suppose I'll have to move on, but it'll be hard."

"I'm sure it will be, considering Lily's sitting across from you."

James grinned, "That makes it doubly hard."

"Come on, Casanova; eat your waffles so we can have that snowball fight."

"Who's that?"

"Long story, even longer movie."

*~*~*

"So, James, _have_ you ever had a snowball fight below?" 

"Of course I have. What do you think I am?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Probably not."

"Great, so I just need to round up a few people to participate so we can have teams." Lily said, tugging on her gloves.

"Why not just the two of us?"

"It's not fair. You play Quidditch, and I think you throw stuff in Quidditch."

"I don't throw stuff, and you have seniority with Christmas crap, so I'd say it's about even."

"Nope. I'll ask Petunia and Vernon and how about my neighbors? They have a couple kids my age. How's that?"

"Bad."

"I just knew you'd love it. I suppose we can have a decent fight with just the two of us. It might even be quite the cozy couplish activity."

"I don't think anything involving snow can be cozy, my dear. If you want to try though, I have no objections," James winked as he was shoved out the door. 

"The snow doesn't look like it'll last long," Lily observed, linking hands with James during their walk.

"Nope. It's beginning to puddle already. My snowman will fall down soon. Then again, some kid probably has knocked it down already."

"Maybe not. You should probably patch it up today while we're at the park."

"I guess."

They walked comfortably for the few blocks to the park, but this time it only held two people having a private snowball fight. "Look, James, it's my neighbors! They're here after all."

James visibly grimaced and started coaxing her to the opposite end of the park. "Can we please not associate with other people? I don't really feel like meeting new people who will analyze me and act like I'm some sort of mutant because I'm not wearing red or green today."

"Alright." Lily paused in mid-wave to smile at James and go with him to an unoccupied clearing. "So are we going to have forts or no forts?"

"Er…no forts, I guess. I'm not an expert here, but I don't really think there's enough snow."

"Brilliant observation, you do me proud. I'll count to ten, and we'll commence, okay?"

"Yeah," James said even as she started counting. The second _ten_ was uttered, snow was launched by both parties. The battle was waged until the snow supply was depleted, only having an inch or so to work with anyway. "I think our fun came to an end."

"Yeah. I'm sort of exhausted though. That was hard work," she sighed, sitting on the cold ground, then groaned when she realized she'd have mud on her pants.

"I could brush you off."

"And at the same time be arrested for public indecency. Your mind is unusually in the gutter today."

"It's all the fresh air, what can I say." James grinned evilly as he shoved one last handful of snow down the back of her sweater, "Now we're out of snow."

"No fair!" she shrieked.

"That's the best way to play."

"You idiot," Lily said, laughing as she got up. "I'll probably have to sing Christmas songs in retribution."

James was able to look perfectly terrified by the thought, something she wasn't so sure was an act. "The happiness might kill me."

"You _are in an unusually good mood. What beam of goodness hit you last night?"_

"I think my conscience caught up with my resting body and told me to stop ruining Christmas for you and your family. It also told me I probably should act like an ass if I want them to tolerate me for the remainder of the holidays."

"Your conscience is very smart, I admire it. Is there any particular Christmas activity you have a request for, or can we go home and settle down to house-building?"

"I don't know many Christmas things, but there is something I _do_ know and like."

"Really? What? Whatever it is, I'll see if I can find it," Lily promised. This was too excellent, James actually volunteering for some sort of Christmas festivity. This was practically a request!

"Well, I have the understanding it is traditional for couples to kiss under mistletoe. Correct me if I'm wrong, I'll digress to your expertise."

"When you put it like that, I think we can find some mistletoe somewhere. And I hope your conscience is here for an extended visit." 

"At least for the week."

"I'll have to enjoy it while it lasts, then." Lily leaned up to kiss him, regardless of the lack of mistletoe. Their entirely cute moment was ruined, though, when Lily sought payback in the form of a wad of snow down his shirt.

James looked entirely shocked. "I can't believe you just did that."

"Snow's a part of the Christmas traditions. Believe it. Besides, you did it to me first."

"Not while we were kissing. That wasn't fair."

"It's the best way to play, kiddo."

"You are bad at cynicism. It just doesn't work when you smile."

*~*~*

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-"

"I got the point, it's wrong," James growled in frustration, ready to smash the rickety gingerbread construction.

"You're just not being patient with it." She grabbed his hands to keep him from doing exactly what he wanted to. "Come on, James, don't give up. You're doing a great job. I was just going to tell you that the yellow frosting was supposed to in the windows, not the white. Yellow, like a warm, toasty glow. Then white for snow."

"Oh, alright," James sighed. He was concentrating desperately on decorating a wall to assemble with the three Lily had done in the same amount of time. 

"Relax, it's like drawing with edible supplies."

"How comforting."

"If you don't want to, then just stop it. I don't want you miserable over a silly gingerbread house."

"You don't think it's silly," he pointed out. "If you can do three of those, I can do one measly wall. Just you wait and see."

"I'm waiting, but I'm not seeing. Prove it."

"Fine. I will." James set to work, grimly putting touches of white frosting in the window sill.

"Don't smile, okay?" Lily leaned so she could see his face looking intently at the gingerbread. 

"Okay."

"This isn't supposed to be fun, alright? Scowl and mutter on occasion."

"Shut up," he said with a small smile.

"Hey, I said don't smile."

"That is so corny."

"I know, but you're smiling. Now let's go for dimples, do you have dimples?"

"NO. I do not have dimples."

"Aww, come on, James."

James set his mouth stoically, as everyone tries to do during the 'don't smile' drill.

"I bet you have dimples, a good-looking guy like yourself, providing you actually _smile."_

"I don't have dimples."

"Prove it."

"I will not."

"Barty has dimples."

James's hand slipped, creating a long, white streak down the wall. Apparently the wind in Gingerbread Land had changed direction. Lily was amused and surprised at this little development. She hadn't taken James to be the jealous type; she had figured he was just joking around with his friends when his behavior slightly hinted of it. Apparently, if James was actually jealous, he had had excellent self-control.

"He likes Christmas, too."

He visibly set his jaw and wiped away the trail of frosting with a toothpick. 

"Barty's birthday is actually the day after Christmas."

"Lily, please stop."

"What was that?"

"I think both have above average intelligence, so I don't need to repeat my request. You're acting like my mother, which is thoroughly revolting."

"I'm sorry," Lily said automatically, figuring if his mother did it, it wasn't something good, at least by his standards.

His hazel eyes darted to meet hers as he asked, "You were just kidding with me, right?"

"Yeah, I was." Lily grinned, "And it doesn't matter if you don't have dimples, you're still perfectly adorable."

"Gee, thanks, I feel so assured now."

"That's my job. Now hurry up and put the candy cane window frames on. We _are on a schedule. We're having lunch with my mum's best friend. And when we get back, she'll start working on dinner for tomorrow, which means we might be able to snag something to eat."_

"You aren't helping?"

"Not if we all want to eat tomorrow. I burn water."

"So do I. I think that means we'll be disqualified from kitchen-duty."

*~*~*

"James, why aren't you dressed yet?" Lily asked, sounding frustrated. She wasn't a bit happy to see her boyfriend still wearing the same clothes they had had a snowball fight in earlier that day.

"Why do we need to dress up to go to bed?" James couldn't tear himself away from the television. They were just _fascinating_.

"Because we're going to Midnight Mass, like I already told you three times."

"Why do we need to dress up to measure stuff at midnight? Can't it wait till morning? Besides, don't you need to be in bed so you can get up at the crack of dawn to savor Christmas?"

"Lily! Where did you find him at?" Mr. Evans asked, sounding completely appalled. "Did you just _pick_ him up off the _streets_ in order to scare us witless? It's working if you did. We thought you had good taste in men, but apparently not. Son, do you even understand the concept of organized religion, or are you one of those yahoos that dance around a campfire and chant songs to the cat goddess at Stonehenge on the solstice?"

"No, I prefer to summon the devil at my house in Cornwall on the first day of summer. Stonehenge is just a tourist load of crap. I'm a professional."

"_James!" Lily hissed, hitting him in the back of the head. "He's joking, Dad, don't worry. He doesn't do any of that. He's an underage wizard just like Amos. Only a slight bit older. That's it. He doesn't do black magic. At all."_

"How _much_ older? I didn't know he was older than you. He's _older_ than you?"

"Oh, God," Lily muttered, only imagining the ruination this would bring. "Oh, God."

"I'm eighteen, my birthday is September tenth. So I'm not technically an underage wizard, but I'm still unlicensed."

"He's _much_ older, Lily."

"Dad! Let's, uh, just go to Mass. _James, get dressed, now_."

"Sure. What do I wear?"

"I'll just come pick them out. That way there'll be no screw-ups. You won't live through anymore screw-ups. Believe me." Lily dragged him upstairs to his borrowed room, and pushed him inside roughly. "Why did you say that to him? You've been _so_ nice _all_ day long, James! _Why_ couldn't you have held out for just another hour? _Why_?" 

Lily roughly opened the closet to find him suitable, match clothes, including a rather classy looking tie that made him frown.

"I'm _not a nice person, contrary to your rehabilitating attempts. Get used to it."_

"We can discuss this later. Just hurry before my mother kills you for making us late."

"_Why?" Lily asked out loud as she left the room, slamming the door hard enough to make a mirror shudder._

"What do you see in him, Lily?" Vernon asked, meeting her in the hallway a minute or so later. She had just stood there, trying to understand James.

"I see someone who is hurting but doesn't know how to ask for help. He really is wonderful."

"To you, maybe, but not to the rest of us."

"I guess it's a good thing I'm dating him and not you."

"We might make a rather awkward couple, as charming as it sounds," the deceptively smooth comment could only come from James, already dressed. "I am ready to go."

"Good for you," Vernon snapped. To him, this James fellow seemed entirely too dark, too dangerous for Lily. "Robert and Nettie have already left, you two are riding with us. I suggest you explain the whole church thing to him."

They all started downstairs and met Petunia at the door, Vernon doing all the talking.

"It'll be just our luck that he does something entirely freaky in front of the priest. Won't that be quite the deal? And don't mess up my car."

"I'll try to control the rodents I house and any insane urges I have to destroy," James said dryly, starting to climb in the backseat with Lily, only to be jerked out by Vernon. 

"I don't think so. Sit up there so we can keep an eye on you."

"Vernon, be nice; you don't need to treat him like one of Marge's dogs."

"I'm sure he doesn't need you to defend him, you've done enough already." 

"I don't see any reason to snap at Lily. She's the only one not acting like an unhappy first year, and she hasn't done anything," James said mildly from the front seat.

"She invited you, that's enough, isn't it?"

"Alright, folks, let's all stop it right now," Lily said loudly. "Everyone be nice. Vernon, I'm enjoying James's company. James, do _try to be civil to my family, I would be entirely grateful. Petunia, turn up the radio, I like this song."_

"Yes, ma'am," was Petunia's response as she turned up John Lennon's _Happy Christmas_. 

Somehow, by luck, or chance, or a miracle, the Evans family, the Dursleys, and James Potter all managed to get through the church service and back into the cars without hurting each other, public embarrassment, or a striking down by God. 

As mentioned, a miracle took place.

So, at one o'clock in the morning, the Dursley car was driving around town, looking at Christmas lights, Lily directing them. Vernon had fallen asleep, Petunia was about to, but Lily and James were both wide-eyed; James from perpetual insomnia and Lily from excitement.

"It's officially Christmas!" Lily cried happily, and tapped James's shoulder to motion toward lights on their right.

"Do you want me to start dancing?" Petunia asked the same time James said, "Let the fun begin."

There was sarcasm from both parties.

*~*~*

"Goodnight, James, sleep well," Lily wished, kissing him outside his door. 

"Are you going to tuck me in, too?"

"I would, but I don't think I'm allowed in your room," she laughed, and was able to smile in pure bliss. Nothing could ruin Christmas. Lily gave him an extra hug for good measure, feeling ready to burst with undiluted happiness and figuring James was someone who could use a surplus of hugs.

*~*~*

Lily awoke at roughly nine AM, and hit the floor at a dead skip. Christmas music started playing the second she could get a record on the player, and the drapes were wrenched open to allow the brisk glow of the sunlight parade in. The TV was switched on to a Christmas program marathon, and the tree was plugged in. Then, she sat on the couch in the family room and stared at the tree heaped with gifts for what seemed to be a painfully long time. Trying to restrain herself, Lily made a piece of burnt toast and munched slowly, running her hand along the couch arm. Finally, the restraint snapped, and she nudged Vernon awake on the Hide-A-Bed in the small office/spare room and knocked on her parents' bedroom door. Petunia was shaken awake, and then she tapped lightly on James's door. 

Christmas was here.

*~*~*

**Till had you I did't know  
That I was missing you  
Had to grow up and see the world  
Through different shades of doubt  
Give me one more chance to dream again  
One more chance to feel again through your young heart  
If only for one day let me try**

**I wanna see Christmas through your eyes  
I want everything to be the way it used to be  
Back to being a child again thinking the world was mine  
Back to being a child again thinking the world was kind  
I wanna see Christmas, Christmas through your eyes  
  
I see the rain, you see the rainbow hiding in the clouds  
Never afraid to let your love show, won't you show me how  
Wanna learn how to believe again  
Find the innocence in me again through your young heart  
Help me find a way, help me try   
  
I wanna see Christmas, I wanna see Christmas  
I wanna see Christmas through your eyes.**

_Gloria Estefan and Diane Warren_

*~*~*

A note from me, the author: Once again, I think I found some really great songs to go with the chapter. It's just a Christmas thing, don't worry. I couldn't decide between the two, they both reminded me so much of the situation. After analyzing James, I seriously get teary over the beginning song. 

It sure was nice of fanfiction.net to finally let me upload, wasn't it?

AHHHH! Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is SO close!


	12. Relationships

He opened the door almost immediately, surprising Lily more than a little.  "You're quick."

"I've been waiting on you to tell me it's time to come down since six."

"Do you not sleep?"

"Only minimally.  Happy Christmas, Lily." James held her hand and kissed her cheek as if he were offering her a gift, which in a way, he was.

"Happy Christmas, James.  You'll love it, I promise.  Come on, everyone ought to be downstairs in just a minute."

James willingly followed her back into the living room with the Christmas tree, then pointed out the obvious.  "They'll have to get dressed, that'll take a little while."

"James, nobody gets dressed for Christmas morning!  Silly!" Lily indicated to her own candy cane pajamas, then looked at him.  "You're dressed."

"Nobody let me in on the memorandum that stated it was come as you are."

"I assumed you knew that.  Oh well, it's better to overdressed than underdressed, I suppose."

"Thanks for the encouragement." James collapsed on the floor and began eyeing the tree curiously.  "So, do we just start ripping, or do we wait on everyone else?"

"Wait…obviously."

James raised his eyebrows, obviously not seeing things as clearly as she was.

"James, dear, Christmas is all about family, and you have to do most everything with family.  Since you're with us, my family is your family, which means you're stuck with them until we go back to Hogwarts.  Dad is the pokiest person in the universe; it takes him twenty minutes to decide to eat, even on Christmas.  Petunia is the pickiest person in the world, Vernon plays favorites, and Mum is pushy.  They're loaded with quirks, but they're still my family."

"What about you, what's your quirk?"

"I walk backwards, have a strange tendency to forgive, and take home grumpy people."

"Gee, you're really a poster child for trouble, aren't you?"

"Actually, I'd say you are," Petunia said silkily, pushing her hair from her face as she stretched out on the couch.

"I've been called worse.  And I think there's a no fighting rule on Christmas, Petunia.  Lily says so."

"I imagine she does," she said, glancing at Lily in amusement.  Vernon soon straggled in, looking slightly more awake, then came Annette.  

"Rob will be down in a minute.  I hope, anyway.  I moved the blankets into the bathroom, so he probably can't hold out for much longer.  James, I guess Lily didn't tell you that this is an informal affair, not requiring day clothing."

"She mentioned it after I was dressed."

"Convenient, huh?" Lily asked, slowly inching closer to the tree.

"Go for it, Lily," Robert said, laughing at the eager look on his daughter's face when he walked in the room.

Faster than James could blink, Lily leaped at the tree, reaching under the branches to pull out a package in Santa Claus paper, which she handed to her mother.  "Mum, this is for you, I picked it out on my own, open it first.  I really hope you like it."

"I bet I will.  Are you going to get everyone else's presents out so we don't have to all crawl under the tree?"

"Of course," Lily answered, this being a tradition.  She formed piles of packages at everyone's feet, and it soon became apparent to James that Lily had the majority.  People soon started tearing and shredding the paper to reveal the gifts inside, occasionally a hug or a squeal of delight being the response.

James's parents had sent him some gifts:  the usual renewal of credit at all the shops he frequented and some he didn't; a rather large amount of pocket money; and in an apparent effort to seem like good parents, they had bought him some books.  They were great books and all, so great he already had them.  His friends had all given him something, but he was surprised to find an expertly wrapped package with a white _To James from Lily_ scrawled on the front.  He spotted the card, so he opened it first, wanting the sense of immense enjoyment to be prolonged; it was incredibly seldom for a girl to actually get _him something, it was usually the other way around.  The card was magically done, with a snowman raised on the front.  Upon closer inspection, it was really the snowman he had made.  Inside, snow was falling on the imprint of a snow angel and metallic green letters.  __Now would be the time to make your Christmas wish, make it good since you only get one.  Mine's for you, I wish you a Happy Christmas, may your first be among the best.  Love Lily_

James smiled, knowing there was no literal meaning behind _love Lily_, but it was special because no one had ever signed anything to him _love.  She had obviously put time into the card, and even more into his gift.  It was one of the few personal ones he had received.  There were several books, ranging from old, battered copies to brand-new, never used editions.  _The Legend of the Phoenix_, _The Folly That is Quidditch_, _What You Never Knew About Your Phoenix's Psyche_, _Christmas Around the World_, and _The Surgeons of Merlin_ were all titles, _The Folly That Is Quidditch_ being a rare book to find, it having been booed off the shelves.  "Thank you," James murmured, running his hands over the leather binding._

"You're welcome.  You're very hard to buy for, everything seemed impersonal."

"It's perfect."

"I'm glad," Lily said.  She was surrounded in sheets of ripped wrapping paper, a bow clinging to her hair, apparently on purpose.  She smiled at him before returning to the tearing.  Eventually, she reached the bottom of her own stack, and found a small box with a simple _from James scribbled on it as the only marking.  Inside was a wizarding watch, the sort that could be programmed to give the location of friends or family members.  It also had the personality similar to a mirror; one that took on the responsibility of scolding its wearer regularly._

It also had a light when a button was pushed.

"This is brilliant, I love it, James!  Thank you."

"It was nothing."

"It's very special, you couldn't have done better."

"I probably could have, but like you, I had problems finding something that suited you.  They were fresh out of musical sweaters."

"Aww, were they really?  I need to get one."  Lily smiled, which was a regular event for this season, and looked over all her gifts again.  Everything was so perfect.  

*~*~*

"Are we ready?" Lily asked, sliding smoothly into her chair at the dinner table, eyeing all the food heaped on it with delight.

"Yes."  Annette took her own chair, setting a plate of deviled eggs down as she did so.  Everyone except James bowed their heads for prayer, Robert leading it.

"This looks really great, I've never seen, oh crap, you're praying!" James said in distress, immediately tucking his chin to his chest and clenching his eyes closed, his hands clasped above the table.    When Mr. Evans said Amen, James echoed it, just a tad bit loudly.  He winced, looking around to see what everyone's reaction was.  Vernon was watching him from across the table in awe, Petunia stared as if he had six eyes, Annette had her eyebrows raised in a frown, and Robert looked vaguely amused.  James looked worriedly to his left at Lily, and saw her leaning under the table, her shoulders shaking suspiciously, perhaps in laughter.

"Lily, sit up," Annette said, trying to sound stern.

"Pass me the rolls," she said, leaning her head in her hands, still trying not to laugh.

"I'm glad you think this is funny," James hissed, handing her the rolls with a little more force than necessary, making one fall on her plate.

"Aww, thanks for putting that there for me.  How sweet."  She lowered her voice slightly, "Don't worry about it, I've done the same thing before, minus the four-letter word not table-appropriate, but it's happened to all of us."

"Here, take some green beans," Mrs. Evans said helpfully, piling some on James's plate for him before Lily stopped her.

"He probably doesn't want them, Mum."

"A growing boy needs vegetables."

"You don't have to shovel them down his throat," Lily said sweetly.

"I'm not, I'm just serving him."

"Maybe he doesn't like green beans."

"I like green beans," he supplied.

"See?"

"He's trying to be nice."

"Since when is he nice?"

"Occasionally he gets it right.  Mum, stop.  He's got an entire plateful of green beans."

"I think she's right." James took the bowl from their hands, and handed it to Petunia.

"Well, now that we're all done trying to feed Lily's boyfriend, can we all eat?"

The rest of Christmas was spent in that dreamlike state of euphoria where nothing seems entirely real, and most of the time it isn't.  The moment only lasts for a fraction of a life, but it is embellished past its true quality to be something even better than it really is, and that's the way December 25th went.  

*~*~*

_January 1973_

Lily fidgeted nervously as she waited for her mother to reach the crux of the matter.  It was the evening before she had to go back to Hogwarts, and Annette had requested to 'talk to her', and Lily was fairly sure she just didn't want to discuss Easter plans.

"I don't like James."

She closed her eyes, inwardly knowing what was coming.  "I sort of caught that."

"Your father doesn't either; Petunia and Vernon agree.  We all think you two need to reach the end of your relationship immediately."

"_What_?"

"He is not someone you can have a life with, Lily.  I know you see him as some sort of hurt puppy that can be helped, but he's past that.  He is an adult, and beyond impression."

"Mum, you guys don't understand.  He acts _different_ around me!  He would do anything for his friends, and he's incredibly smart, and he's very funny once you understand his humor, and he's nice, and-"

"Nice isn't what I would use to describe him.  I'm sure he's a perfectly good person, but he's not perfect for you.  He has a mean streak a kilometer wide."

Lily stamped her foot in frustration.  "Not for me, he doesn't!  This entire time he was here, did you _ever hear him say anything cruel to me?  When Petunia was harassing me about inviting him, he made her leave me alone.  He always watches out for me.  He would never hurt me, I know it."_

"You don't know him well enough to know that.  Men like that are the type that leave their wives with an eight year-old, providing he actually marries her.  _He will be your ruination."_

"No, he won't.  You just don't understand, just because he isn't just like Dad!  I didn't like him at first either, but I got to know him, if you'd just give him a chance."

"He had a chance.  We don't want you around him, end of story," Annette said sternly.

"But, Mum," she protested, tears in her eyes.

"Lily.  Petunia knows about our decision, why don't you talk with her.  She's had her share of rejected boyfriends."

Lily bit her lip and turned soundlessly to walk upstairs.  She squeezed her eyes shut as she passed James's door, then backtracked and raised her hand to knock, but James opened it before she could.  

"Just go to bed, Lily.  You aren't going to ruin my first Christmas, you can break up with me tomorrow, but not during vacation, I won't let you."

"Oh my gosh, you heard her?" Lily asked, putting her hand over her mouth.

"The whole _block_ heard her.  Good night." James shut the door succinctly.

*~*~*

The only sound in Petunia's Volvo on the way to King's Cross was James occasionally turning a page of The Daily Prophet.  Lily sat in a sulky silence, not at all happy with her sister who sided with her mother, and equally unhappy with James who refused to talk to her until vacation was officially over.  

"Interesting article?" she asked.

"The Dementors are resigning from Azkaban."

"One, what exactly are they, and two, why?"

"They're the guards there.  They have an astonishing ability to make you feel entirely miserable, and they can suck out souls.  Presumably, they're leaving to join Voldemort's ranks."

"He's the wizard causing the stir lately, am I correct?"

"As always.  Anyway, it's a bad sign, they're definitely not the sort we want gallivanting around town."

"You mean you don't live with one?" Petunia asked sweetly.

"No more than you do.  We did have a doxie infestation a few years ago, and my little sister was dumb enough to get a pet thestral, but we've never had anything worse than that."

"Sister?" Lily asked in interest, but didn't pursuit it when he shot her an angry glare.

Once they reached the station, Petunia refused to cross the barrier with them, decidedly giving Lily the cold shoulder to make a point.  She still hugged her sister tightly, and whispered in her ear, "Love you, have a good term.  Remember what Mum said, Lily."

Lily shot her a last angry glare and marched onto Platform 9 ¾, dragging James along after her.  Once she found a compartment, she was pretty sure James was just going to keep walking and not sit with her.  "James, James, stop.  Where are you going?"

"Why would I sit with you?  I thought we were over by direct orders."

  
"No, no, no, we're not."

  
"Whatever happened to me being a bad kid?"

"She said it, not me.  I-I don't want to break up with you, she just didn't see your good side.  I know you're better than you were acting.  So can we please just forget it?"

James smiled, "Yeah, I guess we can." 

*~*~*

_February 1973_

Millie watched Lily grab a few last minute books and stuff them in her book bag.  "You aren't actually taking them out there, are you?"

"You don't really expect me to watch this game, do you?  I hope not.  Anyway, nobody will care.  James will be flying around doing whatever it is that he does, and everyone else will be watching the game.  I can be trying to figure out this blasted Transfiguration homework."

"You are so unaware," Millie said indulgently, taking the book bag from her friend and shoving her out the door.  For one of the few times in her life, Lily walked to the Quidditch pitch of her own free will, and for the second time in her life, she took her place in the Gryffindor stands.  Upon Amos's suggestion, they had taken their places early; the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor game was expected to be the most competitive of the year.  As expected, the spectator stands were packed fifteen minutes before the game.  Even the one designated for the staff and guests were becoming crowded.

"James's parents are here," Millie whispered in Lily's ear.  She immediately scanned the towers until she located them, an elegant, man sitting next, but not to close, to a magnificently coiffed woman with shining blonde hair.  

"Why?" Lily whispered back, as if they could hear.

"Probably to keep up appearances…then to goad James into playing professionally," Sirius put in, leaning to speak to Lily over Remus's head.

"Most likely," she agreed.

Lily observed the rest of the crowd, and she could see a few people glancing nervously toward the guest area.  About ten minutes before the game was to begin, she saw James walk about of the Gryffindor locker rooms, leading the rest of the team.  Instead of beginning the warm-up flight like the rest of the team, he continued over to the red and gold student section to meet Lily.  He held out a book with a tense smile, "Here, it's a book of the basic rules of Quidditch, you might want to consult it occasionally.  I'm the Seeker, remember.  And, uh, Mother and Senior are here, so…just make a hasty exit after the game.  I don't want either of them to say anything to you, okay?"

"Sure.  Good luck."

James grinned brightly, "Thanks, Lily."

"No problem."

Lily smiled after his retreating form which was quickly airborne.  

"Now wasn't that cutesy moment worth coming?" Millie asked, nudging Lily in the side.

"Not quite, but it's up there on the list."

*~*~*

"He can't do that, can he?" Lily asked, referring to the rulebook.

"You can do whatever you want as long as the official doesn't see it," Remus said dully, ready to tear the rulebook apart.  Lily had been successfully spotting every foul committed by every player out there.  

"I really don't think that-LOOK!" Lily jumped up and pointed at James who was tearing across the pitch like a bat out of hell.  "Where's it at?"

"Just watch!" Sirius yelled, trying to see over the crowd.  Everybody seemed to stop breathing as James streaked across the field and Otto Bagman catching on.  The Snitch ran its way crazily through the Chaser fray and made a few gut-wrenching dips before James caught it in a forceful lunge.  The Gryffindor portion of the stands became one deafening yell, the rest of the audience letting out a sigh of disgust; Gryffindor had won yet again, putting them well on their way to their 72nd consecutive undefeated season.  

"I've got to go," Lily said, hurriedly picking up her book bag and threading her way through the crowd, Sirius helping her push through in an attempt to avoid the Potters.  It really should have worked, but apparently, Emmaline had her sights set on Lily.  With what appeared to be little effort, the woman caught up with her, but Lily kept walking resolutely until Mrs. Potter called her name.  

"Are you Lily Evans?" she asked, coming to stand directly in front of Lily.

"Yes, I am."

"I'm Emmaline Potter…James's mother.  I believe you're the one I'm looking for."

Lily watched her warily, slightly scared of the person James had an endless amount of terrible stories about.

"Don't look at me like I'm going to eat you.  I'm just interested to meet the only girl that has been able to hold my son's attention for so long."

"Four months really isn't very long."

"It is for one of his relationships…young women have the tendency to bolt at the mention of us."

"I've gathered that."

"Why haven't you run yet?  Are you really that money-hungry or are you pregnant?"

Lily stood there in shock, not able to comprehend that someone would ask her that.  "I, uh, no."

"Mother!" James shouted, running at what appeared to be full-speed from the pitch, stopping to squeeze himself between his parent and Lily.  "How lovely to see you again.  What the hell are you doing here?"

"I just came to watch your game and have a chat with Miss Evans here."

"She's busy.  She doesn't have time."

"What are you going to do?" Emmaline asked politely, stepping around James, who moved to block again.

"I…"

"She has Prefect patrol to make sure the students don't kill each other in the corridors."

"I'm sure she can be excused.  Your father wants to talk to you, by the way, James.  The headmaster is giving you use of his office."

James fairly snarled at her, "Fine.  I'll be watching you, Mother.  Be kind, would you?"

"I always am, dear!"

He looked from her to Lily again.  "You don't have to go, you really don't."

"It's okay, I'll live, I'm sure."

"Well…okay."  James obviously didn't like the idea, but left after kissing Lily swiftly, shooting a final glare at his mother.

"Pleasant boy, isn't he?"

Lily raised her eyebrows.

"Why don't we walk over to the gardens?  I really have tried my best with him, but he hasn't forgiven me for my mistakes."

"I really don't think you have tried your best.  He already has the books you sent him for Christmas; I would think you could at least know what he has and what he doesn't."

"Anything else you want to say to me?"

"Well, when we get right down to it, I don't think the fact that Mr. Potter isn't his father is why he completely loathes you.  I don't know what you've done to him, but it must have been really terrible.  And I think whatever you've done was on purpose." Lily felt the anger boil inside of her for this woman, or more accurately, for the things she had done to make James hate the world so much.  

"Aren't you the little loyalist?"  Oddly enough, Emmaline didn't look mad, merely surprised.

"I'm his friend, and that's what friends are for."

"It's what James demands, isn't it?  Now that I can see you're clearly on his side and have a unusual fondness for him, why don't you tell me about yourself?"

"Excuse me?"

"I would like to know what sort of company my son keeps."

"So why don't you run a background check."

"I already have, I just want to know what you have to say about yourself."

"_What_?  You can't just randomly dig into someone's past, can you?"

"Of course I can.  You're a sixth year Gryffindor and Prefect, the top of your year.  Your best class is Charms and worst is Transfiguration.  You have a surprising knack for Potions but can't fly to save your life.  This is the second Quidditch game you've ever watched in your life.  You are a Muggle-born, daughter of Robert and Annette Evans, and your sister Petunia Dursley is adopted and married to Vernon Dursley.  You received Outstanding on all of your OWLS, and are a shoe-in for Head Girl next year.  You want to be in the Defense Department, and you're realistically considering being a Hit-Witch.  You'd prefer to be an Auror, but they don't let women in right now.  Your friends are Millicent Barstow and Amos Diggory.  You met James through Remus Lupin, and you're helping him find out who his father is, good luck on that one.  And, as far as I can tell, you haven't cheated on James, which means I like you."

Lily swiftly inhaled, feeling terribly violated.  

Emmaline smiled, "Dumbledore thinks highly of you, so all in all, you're disgustingly perfect.  So, tell me, why James?"

"Do you honestly care?"

"Yes, I do.  Contrary to public opinion, I love my son.  I haven't always, but I do now.  I admire him for the man he has become entirely on his own, without parental guidance.  Apparently, you've always seen what I haven't."

"Not really…he just fascinates me.  That's really all there is to it."

"Do you love him?"

"Is it really any of your business?" 

"I think it is."

"I don't.  If you can't be his mother all the time, I don't believe you can interrogate his girlfriends, no matter who you are.  That particular question is entirely too personal, and when I decide the answer, James will be the one to know, not you," Lily said coolly, rather incensed that this woman thought she had the right to ask her questions just because James happened to come from her.  "Nice meeting you."

Lily walked away, unexplainably angry.

*~*~*

James was talking to Fawkes the phoenix when Mr. Potter came in.  He nodded shortly, the only greeting he gave.

"Excellent game, James.  You're a born Seeker."

"Thanks, I guess."

"Have you considered what you're doing after Hogwarts?  You only have five months left."

"My plans haven't changed…I'm still going to be a Healer.  I'm taking medical training classes now."

"You'd be successful in Quidditch.  Just think, you could make your fortune, away from the Potter money, which you have repeatedly shown your disgust for."

"I don't want to."

"Things aren't always about wanting, son, sometimes it's about doing the right thing."

James spun around abruptly, anger flashing in his eyes.  "Don't you _dare call me son.  It's always been known to me you're no relation of mine.  I wish you had just bloody well kicked Mother and I out, God knows my life would have been better.  You know, I never realized how crappy my life actually was until this Christmas.  I grew up without love; Sirius's parents hate each other too; Remus's parents treat him like he'll attack at any time.  I thought it was normal.  But I _saw_ how it's supposed to be.  Lily's parents love each other, they actually sleep in the same room!  They treat her sister the same as her, even though Petunia's adopted.  They had a tree, and Christmas dinner, and they loved each other!  And I _hate_ you two for not giving me that same experience."_

"You never let us love you, you weren't an easy child."

"No…by the time you were ready to love me, I had grown up without it, and I knew I could continue without you two.  I don't need you guys.  I have what I need."

"No, James, you _do need us.  Family is there for you whenever you need it." _

"Since when?  I've certainly never had that experience."

"You could if you'd give us a chance.  We're the ones you'll have after Sirius finally gets sent to prison for some manic crime; we'll be the ones left after Remus is finally put down; and we'll still be here after Lily finally gives up on you."

"Don't you talk about my friends like that.  They're the ones who have supported me and helped me through Hogwarts, not you.  You might have bought me a first class cauldron and designer robes, but Sirius is with me during detention.  Remus is always there to give me advice.  Since I met her, Lily's been there to show me life is worth hanging in there for another day.  If I hadn't had Remus and Sirius and Peter, I probably would have killed myself before now, and if I didn't have Lily now, I would probably be a lot meaner than you could even imagine.  And after _you're_ gone, _they will be the ones I have.  Sirius _won't_ go to prison, Remus _won't_ be put down, and Lily _won't_ give up on me because I won't give her reason to."  _

"You're obviously serious about her….that's interesting."

"I meant it when I told you to leave her alone."  
  


"All threats aside, I have a proposition for you.  I'm not getting any younger, and the way things are going, people will probably start dropping dead any day now.  Your mother and I would like to have a relationship with you, or at least try for one."

*~*~*

I was stained, with a role, in a day not my own  
But as you walked into my life you showed what needed to be shown  
And I always knew, what was right I just didn't know that I might  
Peel away and choose to see with such a different sight  
  
And I will never see the sky the same way and  
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and  
I will never cease to fly if held down and  
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen, twilight  
  
Never cared never wanted  
Never sought to see what flaunted  
So on purpose so in my face Couldn't see beyond my own place  
And it was so easy not to behold what I could hold  
But you taught me I could change Whatever came within these shallow days  
  
And I will never see the sky the same way and  
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and  
I will never cease to fly if held down and  
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen  
  
As the sun shines through it pushes away and pushes ahead  
It fills the warmth of blue and leaves a chill instead and  
I didn't know that I could be so blind to all that is so real  
But as illusion dies I see there is so much to be revealed  
  
And I will never see the sky the same way and  
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and  
I will never cease to fly if held down and  
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen, twilight  
  
I was stained, by a role, in a day not my own  
But as you walked into my life you showed what needed to be shown  
And I always knew, what was right  
I just didn't know that I might  
Peel away and choose to see with such a different sight  
  
And I will never see the sky the same way and  
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and  
I will never cease to fly if held down and  
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen, twilight...

Vanessa Carlton

*~*~*

And here's another chapter.  This is really my favorite fanfic at the moment, I think I'll probably slow down on The Ruse updates to work on this one, but I don't know for sure.  Just so no one thinks I'm copying Harry's blow-up scene, James's was inevitable.  It had to happen before their summer or else the plot could be completely screwed up.  Geez, I love OotP.

I'm leaving July 4th for the national FCCLA meeting in Philadelphia, and I think I'll be back on the 11th.  Is anyone else going to it?  I'll probably write something on the plane, I'm only taking one book and I don't do well sitting still with nothing to do.  I might have time for a update before I leave, but I don't know.

I wasn't going to put in a song for this chapter, but James's fight with his dad reminded me of this song, so I just wedged it in.  I like it, and I think it reflects Lily and James's relationship so far.

Happy Independence Day!


	13. Corruption

Sirius, Remus, and Peter all watched from across the room as Lily and James moped in their respective corners, obviously avoiding each other.

"Things were going so well," Remus said in despair.

"Maybe they're just each facing their own particular crisis and need to be alone," Peter suggested reasonably.

"Yeah, right," Sirius muttered.  "This isn't good.  I think we need to intervene…Peter, you-"

"I really don't think we should get involved," Peter said.  "If we always get involved in their relationships, what's going to happen if they get in a fight on their honeymoon?"

"Excellent point, Padfoot, do explain."

"They've got to get married before they can honeymoon, and without us, those blessed nuptials won't take place."

"We can't run their relationship for them!"

"Keep it down, Peter," Remus murmured, stuffing a pillow in Peter's face.  

"Peter…wait, Remus, go and see if you can find out what's bothering Lily.  I'll fry James, and we'll meet in our room."

"What do I do?" Peter asked, and Sirius smirked.

"Get refreshments."  Sirius ambled, what he thought appeared to be nonchalantly, over to James.  "Hey."

"Leave me alone."

"What a way to greet your best friend."

"I'm brooding, and I don't think you want to hear my newest crisis."

"Is your parents?  Did they bug you again?"

"Oh yes, how could they not?  Mum said something to Lily, too, look at her over there.  If my mother sends her into a downward spiral into depression, how can we have a relationship?  My parents are _ruining my life!"_

"What'd they say this time?  My mum's newest kick is that I 'should try to please her in her last days'.  That old crony will never kick the bucket.  I'm just not that lucky."

James grinned reluctantly, "Did she hold your hand too?"

"Damn right she did.  Did they give you that Quidditch line again?"

"Yeah."

"Well, all you had to do was say no again, what's the big deal?"

"I don't want to talk about it right now."

"You're going to tell Lily as soon as she settles down, so why not tell me?  I _am your best friend, you know."_

"I know, I know, I know.  Are you jealous of Lily?"

"_No_."

James laughed, "You are, aren't you?"

"Would you stop changing the subject?  _WHY_ is it a big deal this time?"

"I didn't say no, Sirius."

"_Oh my God_!

"Yeah…that's what I'm thinking," James sighed.  "I'm going to go for a stroll.  Maybe the air will help me figure out why I gave in.  I'm not sure if I care a whole lot at the moment."

"You're in the pits today."

"A Quidditch game and a visit from my esteemed family does that to me."

*~*~*

"Hi, Lily," Remus greeted, hastily sitting next to her before she could ask him to leave.  

"Hola," Lily sad half-heartedly, closing her book.

"What's going on?"

"I'm sort of trying to read my book."

"Oh.  I see.  Do, you, uh…what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just tired.  I need some time to think, but I can't really think properly, so I'm just stressed.  Nothing life-threatening, I assure you."

"Great.  So what are you trying to think so hard about?  Something James's mother said?"

"How'd you guess?"

"She used to do it to James all the time, but now he can let it roll off."

Lily smiled slightly, "Severus Snape says that he's so arrogant that criticism just slides right off and he never notices."

"Sounds just like our Snivellus."

"You guys are awful."

"It's not undeserved, but we were talking about you.  What did she say?  If you tell James, he'll take care of it for you, you know that right?"

"I do know that, Remus, but just because James and I are more than friends doesn't mean I can let him fight all my battles for me.  And there really isn't anything he can do to fix it for me, I just need to sort things out.  I'm going to go walk down by the lake."

Remus looked around helplessly and Lily started gathering her stuff, and he met James in the stairwell, "She's going to take a walk."

"Who?" James asked distractedly, folding up the silvery fabric that was his Invisibility Cloak.

"The only she you should be worried about…Lily."

"Oh…oh, right.  She's going down by the lake?  Great." James walked away muttering things to himself.  He shoved single-mindedly through the common room, ignoring a few greetings and walked swiftly down the corridor.  At about the stairs leading down to the foyer, he saw Lily skipping lightly.  "Hey!  Lily!  Wait a sec!"

She stopped and turned to watch him jog down the stairs.  

"Do you want to take a walk with me?"

"I thought you wanted some air to clear your head?"

"Who?  Me?  Who said that?  Oh, I bet you talked to Sirius.  Well, I did, but I can do that later." For some reason Lily couldn't comprehend, James smiled brightly at her, which was really the last thing she needed at the moment.

"You're not going to ask me what your mother said, are you?"

"I was kind of planning on it.  Actually that was the purpose of asking you on a walk, but I guess it's just you, me, our collective misery, and no answers now." James took her hand and led her out the door, "The lake?  I swear we won't climb any trees."

"That's fine.  Are, you, uh…you're acting weird."

"I'm just trying to hide the fact that I'm in a really pissy mood because I'd rather not have you feeling sorry for me and asking about Mother."

"Now that's in the open, what exactly happened?" Lily asked, stepping outside only to be surprised by the level of darkness.  "Wait, we can't go out, it's too close to sundown, and we'll be in trouble."

"Only if we're caught."

"So we're just going to run around like idiots if we see someone?"

"No…I'm much more organized than pre-planned idiocy." James tugged her over to the side and unfolded her cloak, which she looked at in shock.  

"Wow.  That's an Invisibility Cloak…right?"

"Correct again.  Senior gave it to me, it's supposed to be passed from father and son…let's not all laugh at once."

Lily really did laugh as he said that.  She felt special that he decided to show it to her, she imagined that was a rather big event since she didn't even have an inkling that he owned one up to this point.  

"Shall we go?  When it gets darker we can wear the cloak, but truth be told, it's a pain in the ass with more than one person under it.  Although, I think it'll be much easier, not to mention more pleasurable, with you versus Sirius or Remus."

"I can see you guys trying to be sneaky but hissing _don't touch me_ whenever you so much as tap each other."

"You know us all to well…that's exactly what happens, especially when we all get in our rather testy moods."

"You?  Testy?  When does _that_ happen?"

"Only once in a blue moon, you know me, Mister-Happy-Go-Lucky."  The two of them sat under the old oak tree, silent for awhile.  "I caved?"

"Pardon?"

James buried his face in his hands, "It's bad.  He suckered me into it.  I swear I was temporarily out of my mind."

"What did you do?" Lily asked, her mouth twitching in the beginnings of a smile.  

"He's contacting the Quidditch offices and it's expected I'll have offers by the end of next week."

Lily's mouth fell open in complete shock; she had definitely been knocked off her feet on this one.  "Seriously?"

"Unfortunately."

"Why in the world did you change your mind?"

"It's the damnedest thing; I can't believe I did it."  James really did look like he was in complete disbelief.  "One minute I was yelling at him, and the next he was spouting all this crap about wanting to act like a semi-family.  I am so tired of arguing with the both of them, it's just becoming a hassle."

"If it was a hassle you would have just left, not say you'll play Quidditch," Lily carefully kept her eyes forward.

"I _know_," James groaned.  "It was you who put this cock-eyed scheme in my head."

"Me?  How did I do anything?"

"You don't understand how bad my life with them is, so you can't figure out how I feel about them.  I don't like my parents, they're reprehensible people, let alone _love_ them.  Then, I go and visit your house, and I see all of you just _oozing_ with love for each other.  All my life, I haven't been good enough for them, and I thought that if I just made the step and gave it one shot, I could have a chance with them.  Now I see how stupid it was."

"No, James, it was stupid," Lily said, feeling slightly silly as she hugged him.  "It's obvious you had excellent intentions.  You're telling your parents you want to give it a shot.  If you decide you just can't handle it, I'm sure you can get out of it.  It's not like you've made a deal with the devil and signed it with blood."

"You obviously don't know them well."

"No, I don't.  I also don't know much at all about your life outside of Hogwarts because you won't tell me."

"What the crap is your problem?   You're in a very bad mood."'

"No, I'm not.  I just have things on my mind, and you playing hush hush isn't helping things at all."

"Trust me, you don't want to know about my family.  The whole lot of them is bad news."

"But I don't know that until you tell me, why don't you let me make my own decision?"

"Because I know what that will be!  It will be just like everyone else's.  It's one of those things people from the outside feel sorry for me about, but the ones who know me just think we're an appalling set.  I don't want to tell anyone ever again."

"So I'm just like everyone else?"

"No, but…"

"But what?"

"You'll think of me differently when I tell you."

"Alright.  It's fine if you don't feel comfortable telling me.  I'm sure I'll live.  So are you going to play or not?  You know, you could always lie and say you didn't get a fair offer."

"I could, but they would harass the league until I did get a fair offer, and they would know about it.  If I want to have any kind of family, I have to do this."

"And that is so terribly _touching.  It fairly tugs on the strings of my heart," Severus Snape snarled, trouncing up to them, a gruesome and very smug smile gracing his countenance. _

"Bugger off, Snivellus," James growled, not bothering to even look at him.  

"Oh, I don't think so.  You see, I've got two counts of students on the grounds after dark, one Head Boy, the other a Prefect.  That's quite the catch, wouldn't you say?"

"Come off it, Snape," Lily said in irritation, not having any lost love for this Slytherin.  "We aren't hurting anything.  We're sitting under the tree conversing, not going at each other like dragons in heat."

"As charming as that mental image is, I do know what your kind is like," he said, this directed at James, but Lily misinterpreted it. 

"_My_ kind?"

"No, _his_ kind.  Born of a lusty whore, and no doubt antsy to create others of his mold."  The Slytherin smiled in what Lily would describe as ickily as he sneered in her direction while not taking his eyes off of James, "And who better to do it with than a common Mudblood who pretends to be something special."

Lily, having heard the insult before, took no particular insult, but James obviously did.  

"You nasty little toerag," James muttered in a low voice, standing to face Snape, an honestly manic grin on his face.  "I can't believe you would criticize anyone when you are obviously an example of inbreeding gone awry.  No wonder your parents threaten to disown you."

Snape looked visibly shocked.

"Oh yes, I know your little secrets, and as you're always eager to point out, I have no moral platform that keeps me from voicing them.  Just _stay the hell away from her."  James turned and tugged Lily to her feet, striding toward the castle with her._

"You didn't need to do that."

"Apparently I did.  Disgustingly little excuses for humanity will always pick on who they think are their inferiors until somebody makes them stop."

"So you're going to do it single-handedly."

"Nobody treats my friends like that, no matter what they have on them."

Lily smiled slightly, "Thank you."

"I-"

"I'm notifying Figg that you two have detention!" Snape yelled, running to catch up with them.

"Whatever," James snapped, glaring bullets in his back as he ran on to the castle.

"Detention?" Lily whispered.

"If he actually turns us in, the moron will get it to…he was obviously outside too.  Anyway, if he turns us into Figg, she won't make us do anything disgusting like Fletcher.  He makes you clean out cages like Muggles.  Nasty."

"Do you think he will," she asked, sounding really worried.

"Snape turn us in?  You bet.  He's a loser like that." James rolled his eyes and laughed, "His goal at Hogwarts is to upstage me and make my life hell.  He'll only be happy when I'm dead, and even then he'll hate my memory."

"That's awful."

"The truth is seldom nice."

"What will Figg make us do?"

"The stuff she always does."

"What's that?"

"You know, clean up her room, maybe write lines, set stuff up for a demonstration or a test.  You don't know, do you," he asked, finally catching on.

"No, I don't."

"Have you ever had detention?"

Lily shook her head in the darkness, glad that he couldn't see her eyes tearing up suspiciously.

"Aww, crap, I'm sorry.  I didn't realize."

"It's fine."

"Are you…_crying_?"

"_No_!  That's just silly."

"But you are anyway.  Please don't...Lily?"

"I'm not crying.  Really, I'll be fine.  Just look how many detentions you and Sirius have lived through.  I'll make it."

*~*~*

"Professor, is there _anything I can do to get Lily out of detention?" James asked, entering the headmaster's office upon request.  "I'll serve my detention and hers, or double, or whatever it is that you want."_

"James, detention is to teach the wrong doer a lesson, to prevent them from committing the same crime again." 

"But she hasn't ever had detention before.  It's not like she's a serial-criminal for Christ's sake."

"Rules are rules, James.  Her detention still stands, six o'clock Friday evening in the trophy room.  It's a simple detention."

"SIR!  Please reconsider.  I'll personally scrub your office from ceiling to floor…without magic!  Come on!"

"Six o'clock Friday evening, it will be over at half past seven, the same as yours.  You can serve your detention in the same place."

"Thank you," James muttered, disheartened.  

"Now, the reason I called you here.  It wasn't detentions, I assure you.  Here are the proposed contracts from several Quidditch teams, as promised.  Your father wishes you to owl him your decision."

"Gee, thanks.  You have no idea how little this means to me."

"Your sarcasm is, as always, charming, but you should be happy that your father is immensely proud of you."


	14. Fallen

James's dejection turned into guilt as soon as he spied Lily chatting, or more accurately, having a deep conversation with Amos Diggory in the common room.  She had pink splotches on her cheeks and nose; the universal signal that a girl had been crying recently.  "Talking with hatred about me?" James asked, not even giving the idea much serious thought.  The frost look rendered by Amos made it seem like a real possibility, maybe even a certainty.

"Definitely not," Lily assured him with a momentarily disarming smile.  "I couldn't hate you for something this trivial.  I'm only a little aggravated, but at myself more than you.  I knew the consequences before I went out there."

James glanced between Lily and Amos, trying to decide if Amos really was angry at him.

It appeared that way.  

"Can I talk to you, Lily, or are you particularly busy?"

"Actually, Amos and I are discussing something, I'm sorry.  It's really important, and before you ask, we aren't talking about you."

"I see.  Whenever you get a chance, I have something I would like to tell you.  It's what I wasn't willing to talk about earlier."  James had made the key decision when he saw the unhappy look on her face about detention, and he had worked it out in his mind during the walk from Dumbledore's office.  It was a fair trade.

Sudden comprehension dawned in Lily's eyes and interest lit up her entire body at once, making it obvious she was fairly dying for the answers.  In the time it took her to catch the entire meaning, James had walked away, and Amos was watching her in resignation.  "Go."

"No, no, I'm listening.  Finish telling me your story…please."

"What's the point?" Amos asked.  "You'll be thinking of him and only pretending to listen to me."

"Amos, just-."

"Lily, go," he said sharply, making her draw her eyebrows together in a frown.

"What's wrong?  Don't tell me you're joining the world-wide _I HATE JAMES POTTER club, which is an acronym for all of his bad qualities, headed by Millie.  What's the freaking deal?  No wonder he thinks the world is out to get him."  Lily stood up, arms spread out, and shouted, "__It is!"_

"Isn't it ironic," Amos asked, "that things just wind around for him?  Starting second year, he climbed the rickety ladder of the popular, but gaining in moodiness for just the right mixture to reach uber-popular status in fifth year.  Now he's on the downhill slide.  Even angels fall."

"I thought you liked him, Amos," Lily said quietly, her mouth drawing into a tilted-down line.

"I do, he is an interesting person and an awesome Quidditch player, but you are one of my best friends, and I don't like…I just don't like the two of you together."

Lily narrowed her eyes in anger; the entire world seemed to believe they had the right to criticize her relationships.  "This is the conclusion of this topic until otherwise notified.  I'll be upstairs."

Amos gave her a look she had a hard time place; one with a mixture of disappointment and resignation, filling Lily with guilt.  She refused to walk away feeling like a villain, so she left before either of them could say anything worse to each other.  Lily tried to deny the thoughts that filled her head as she climbed the stairs, shadows creeping into her vision.  Everyone was wrong.  She shook herself with a laugh, suddenly imagining that she was becoming as broody as James.  

James opened the door before she could knock.  "I heard you laughing," he explained.

"This place is surprisingly clean, I'm impressed," Lily said in admiration as she stepped in.  "Are we talking in here?  Won't we be in _huge, larger-than-life, irrevocable trouble if we're caught….again?"_

"Realistically, yes, but this is about the only place we can talk without being interrupted.  Seriously, that's all I wanted to do was talk, I wasn't planning on attacking you, or throwing you out the window in a pillow case or anything."

"The thought never crossed my mind," Lily said with a grin, "but apparently it did yours.  Wanna try the pillow case thing?"

"Well, that's that last time I try to reassure you.  Although it did lighten the mood."

"Who said my mood was lightened?"

"You're being quite the joker today."

"I'm trying to shrug of depression.  I'm taking a leaf from your book."

"I really am a bad influence.  You can sit down you know, I think we've bug-proofed this place.  Or, actually, Peter has, he's paranoid about these things.  He's a bit unusual at times."

"Where is he, anyway?  And the rest of your little buddies?" Lily asked, deciding to sit on the bed next to where James was, hoping it was as clean as he said.  Somehow she doubted piling the linens for the house-elves to wash were on their list of priorities, even if their room was cleaner than average.

"Remus and Peter are both studying for NEWTs, and I honestly don't know what Sirius is doing.  There are times we just don't discuss our plans, he makes me too nervous sometimes.  He already knows, anyway, so if he comes in, I can continue.  We have a set plan for Frank if he drops by.  Just say you heard Alice Wigthim wants to talk to him and he'll take out of here like a bat out of hell."

"He likes her?"

"Infatuated, it's hilarious."

"What about Lizzy?"

"He thinks Alice is way out of his league, so he settles for happening into her path." James grinned, "He still doesn't know she has a crush on him, so none of us feel bad for throwing him at her."

"How sweet!  You're a bunch of matchmakers.  And people think you're a bad influence."

James abruptly stopped smiling, "You've been getting that a lot, lately, haven't you?"

"Amos is the latest protester."

"Lily, I'm really sorry.  Don't let me come between you and your friends.  Unfortunately it takes much longer for the public image to improve.  The fall from grace is much easier than the climb up."

"Funny I've already had this conversation with someone already today.  Millie and Amos are my best friends, and they won't abandon me just because they don't like you.  Besides, Amos really does admire you."

They sat in silence, Lily looking around curiously and James looking ready to be sick.

"I don't know where to begin.  I've never told anyone the whole thing before."

"What about Sirius?"

"He's seen the whole thing, it didn't require telling."

"In that case, sometimes the beginning is the best place to start." Lily began to wonder if this was a good idea when she saw the entirely disheartened expression on his face.  

"You're right.  This is your last chance to back out, Lily.  Are you sure you want to hear this?"  When she answered positively, James began, "When I was little, I only saw my mother once in awhile.  Senior was with me a little more, but I was basically raised by our house-elves."

"Plural?"

"Three.  Anyway, I can always remember them fighting.  They argued so much, I don't even see the point of them staying together if they're so miserable.  Senior would always make her shut up when I was near and hustle me along before she started shouting again.  I think he might've at least liked me then.  He taught me about Quidditch."

Lily expected to see fondness in his eyes since Mr. Potter was obviously the active parent in their family.  Instead, there was that cold harshness that was housed in his eyes so often.

"Maybe things could have worked out in my family if the legitimate Potter child hadn't come along.  He was actually my mother's and Senior's child.  Together.  They named him Julian, and it was painfully obvious from the very beginning that he was related to both of them.  He had blonde hair like them and Senior's eyes, green.  He had his nose, his damn chin."

"And here you are, the dark little changeling in a family of blondes."

"Exactly."

"How old were you were he was born?"

"Five years old exactly."

"He was born on your birthday?"

"Unfortunately.  My life was a paradoxical heaven before he was born.  I never received another birthday cake, card, or present from either of them again.  I was shoved behind the scenes at Julian's birth.  It was so hard for me to understand, I couldn't comprehend why they suddenly ignored me completely.  That's why I hate them.  After he was born, their real child, they never talked to me, except for in public.  I still had the best of clothes and toys, but he would get a personalized Quidditch outfit and I'd get some random book.  A _book.  They knew I was smart; I could read by the time I was three, so they thought I'd love whatever book they tossed in my direction.  They liked Sirius better than they liked me, Lily.  By the time he was two, I hated Julian so much for what he did to me I actually hid or destroyed his toys to make him cry.  I wanted to cause him the pain he had caused me.  I bet it really ate at them not to be able to name him James Byron Potter XXIV.  My mother single-handedly, with the help of my real father, of course, put an end to the Potter's numerical name."_

"Couldn't you name your son that?"

"I could, but there is _no way in hell that I will.  Julian was definitely he a Potter, that particular line died with him.  You would have hated him so much.  He was __born cruel.  He loved to get me in trouble, or one of the servants fired.  He wanted to inflict pain.  Hogwarts was the best thing that could have been done for me.  I think by then everybody knew that I wasn't really his son.  Everybody except me, and I was told in the most heinous of ways.  People would get quiet when I walked in a room with my parents or Julian and whisper as I passed on by.  They did that to my parents too, so I just thought they did that if you were a Potter."_

Lily had tears welling in her eyes.  She could easily see James as a sad little boy who got repeat books and was the side show of his own birthday.  Someone with sad eyes who was the object of secret ridicule and humiliation who had never done anything to deserve it.

"_Please_ don't cry.  I can't handle it if you do, this is hard enough.  I'm stopping if a tear falls."

Lily hastily blinked a couple times, desperate to hear the whole story while she had the chance.

"I came here and Sirius and I were thick of thieves before we stepped on the train.  We met Remus there, and found Peter's pet frog for him.  I got in trouble at school because it was the only way I knew how to get attention.  Julian kept getting meaner and meaner, you wouldn't believe his depth of his inhumanity.  I came back for second year, and it was the funniest thing.  Here, everyone actually liked me.  I was the kid who always had a crowd without trying.  Life was _great as long as I was here and far away from home."_

"Julian never made it to Hogwarts."

"No, he didn't.  He tore me apart like no one else could, and I don't think I would still be fit to be around by anyone if he was here with me.  I was a different person those summers with him.  I had to be meaner than him to survive.  It sounds stupid, he was five years younger than me, but it was the truth, I swear.  The summer before third year when I was at home, he acted like he had a great surprise for me.  It was a good one, alright.  I had never seen that kid so excited."

_Julian went straight into James's room, not bothering to knock.  He grinned manically and flopped in the middle of James's bed._

_"I **told**_** _you that you had to know," James hissed, throwing a shirt at his little brother, jerking with anger._**

_"I can do what I want, you're my guest."_

_"Excuse me?"_

_"You **aren't my brother, James.  You aren't even a Potter."**_

_"Julian, I don't have time to play with you.  I actually have a life outside of Marvin Miggs comics"_

_"I'm telling Dad you said that.  You **have to play with me or else I bet he'll kick you out."**_

"I asked Senior about it.  He confirmed it for me."  

Lily watched carefully as James traced the seams of his pillow, his face unusually harsh.  His jaw was set firmly, making his whole face a canvas of angles and sharp planes.  "You refuse to call him Dad or Father now."

"That bastard doesn't deserve it," James said savagely, jerking his head up in indication that he had no halfway feelings about this subject.  "I was told that I wasn't who I was raised to think I was over a cheese sandwich with tomatoes!  I felt _fake.  He didn't try to comfort me or say it was okay.  He offered me a book from his library.  I guess Freud can help you out of any mental anguish."_

"James, I'm so-."

"Don't you dare say you feel sorry for me.  I don't _want you to feel sorry for me.  I didn't tell you for sympathy.  May I continue?"_

"Yes."

"I didn't mean to snap.  I wasn't angry at people like I am now until Julian died.  He fell off a broom over water.  The Ministry thought he got tangled up in some weeds and drowned," James said without emotion, but tension re-entered his voice.  "It happened the week of OWLs.  We only had one more day of testing left, too.  They expected me, the child they ignored, to race home and forgo the last of the tests that would decide my academic future for the child who made my life hell.  Smart, huh?  I went home that Saturday for the funeral and I was the only dry-eyed one there.  Even people who had been victims of him were sad to see an eleven year-old dead.  I'm ashamed to say I didn't care what happened to that little monster.  None of them cared about me."

The grimness in his voice alerted Lily that the worst was yet to come.

"My family blamed me for his death."

"WHAT?" Lily erupted, jumping up.  "You were at Hogwarts!  There is _no way_ you could've killed him!  What did they think you did?  Avada Kedavra him via Howler?  For Christ's sake, that is RIDICULOUS!"

"I'm glad you believe my innocence, " James said with a tense smile.  Lily could see the way this was affecting him, she hadn't seen him this desolate in weeks.

"Oh, I am much too clever for blatant killing.  Instead, when I came home and practice Quidditch, there was nothing else to do, I was fostering ideas in his head.  They thought he dreamed of being like his big brother.  Yeah fucking right!"

"Maybe he did want to be like you.  Maybe he was jealous."

"He had everything I did except Quidditch talent and intelligence."

"I digress."

"After that, I gave up with them and the rest of the world.  People are so pathetic and very few are worth my time.  They're shallow and self-centered and just stupid.  They don't understand that there's a whole world out there, but all they can think about is the next Quidditch match.  They don't have goals or dreams.  They aren't fair, only judgmental.  How could somebody push away her son for another?  How?  I can't stand them.  And there's my gruesome story."

"You're right…it's very gruesome.  I can't imagine how awful it was for you growing up.  I honestly don't blame you anymore for your grouchiness or unhappiness.  Why did you decide to tell me?"

"I owe you," he said simply, and was prepared to leave it at that, but Lily wouldn't have it.  "I have continually wreaked havoc on your life time after time.  I've made your family and your friends mad at you.  I've got you into detention and I've yelled and treated you terribly on several occasions, but you've only acted exceptionally towards me.  You invited me to Christmas and you've been a friend for no reason at all and for no apparent benefit.  My mother's corralling of you made me acknowledge that with the continuance of our relationship, you'll unfortunately be subjected to them at some point or another.  You would probably find out some time by somebody, and it should be from me.  Now, you the opportunity to leave our relationship and I will understand and I won't ask questions."

*~*~*

Well, I'm back.  I _loved_ NYC, it was so awesome.  The only bad point was that my flight was _awful_, we had a 45 minute delay, we had turbulence the entire freaking ride, I thought we were going to crash, and I nearly threw up.  

Thank you guys so much for all the great reviews while I was gone, I really had some excellent ones.  I love those long ones!


	15. Counterfeit

"I…I…I'm not exactly sure what to say," Lily said truthfully after pausing for a minute.

"I assumed it would be a simple yes or no answer," James said coolly.  "I didn't realize it would take serious thought, or that it would be ambiguous."

"I'm not in the least bit ambiguous over the option you gave me."

"Oh _really_?"

"Yes.  You're still stuck with me, but I think that's a good thing.  You've grown on me, sort of like a pesky freckle on my foot."

James laughed, his eyes crinkling as he smiled, "I've never been compared to a freckle on anyone's foot, but I'm glad that is your decision.  You're sort of like a nasty smile that you can't get rid of no matter how hard I try."

"I am rather persistent."  Lily visibly sobered, taking James's hand, "I meant I didn't know how to comment about your family.  Obviously, an _I'm sorry doesn't really mean anything, and that's the only thing that I could up with other than that that was the saddest story I have ever heard.  Then I figured you wouldn't really want to hear that, so I'm speechless."_

James gave a rather sad smile and tugged her in his arms for a long hug, "That works too."

"It must have been so sad when you found out that Mr. Potter wasn't your father."

"I thought you were speechless."

"I'm never too speechless to ask questions."  
  


"I didn't hear a question."

"All the same, one was voiced."

"I presume you wish for me to elaborate on how I felt for the sake of curiosity." James felt a nod against his chest, and he couldn't help but smile.  The calm assurance that Lily offered took away much of the anger he felt about his situation, making him really feel like he didn't care.  It didn't hurt him as much to talk about it now that he knew she wasn't going to treat him like an imbecile.  Smoothing the tips of her hair as he talked, James said, "It was _terrible_.  When Julian told me, I honestly couldn't believe it, and I didn't want to.  In the time it took me to go talk to Senior, I imagined every alternative possible.  My thoughts ranged from Julian being possessed by a dark being to being egged on by Sirius to sleepwalking.  Then, when my dear _father told me that Julian was right, it seemed like the entire world I was standing on dropped out from under my feet, and there was nothing for me to grab onto as I was falling.  My entire life had been a sham, nothing can describe the feeling that you get.  You wonder about and question everything.  I was completely shocked.  And then I felt lost, like I was wandering around in the dark, making wild grabs at things but never making contact.  I felt like that until I got to tell Sirius, and that was the only thing that kept me from completely falling apart.  I'm sure you can't imagine me actually caring that he wasn't my dad so much, but I did.  I was comfortable with being ignored, but they were still my family, and more importantly, they _lied_ to me.  My whole life, I had been lied to.  That was the most devastating thing of all.  What I had thought I could count on, I couldn't anymore."_

Lily wondered if he knew that he was still speaking to her or if he was just letting his memories slide out.

"I sat in my room upstairs, curious as to how long it would remain my room, and just waited.  I was waiting for Sirius to owl, or for Senior to come bursting in yelling 'surprise', or for everything to just suddenly fade away.  I just sat on my bed for hours, not going to dinner, not getting ready for bed.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  My world was gone.  I knew the ugly truth.  I wasn't wanted, nobody wanted me, and I was an _accident_.  I didn't inherit the Potter genius, the Potter teeth, the Potter nose, it wasn't mine.  My life wasn't supposed to be for me, it was meant more for Millicent than for me.  I hated that.  It was all an accident.  Every last moment of my life was a mistake."

She didn't know what she would do if he started crying.  Lily had the supposition that if he did, she would, and then they'd both act like fools.  Then again, she couldn't imagine James crying…he was tough, and invincible, and made of granite.

"Sirius came over the next morning, and I still hadn't changed from the day before, and he knew it.  I started crying again when I told him, and I could see in his eyes that he had known all along.  Even my best friend knew what I was.  Sirius hated going home so much; he always spent most of the summer with me, but this time he took me home with him.  I wouldn't have been able to bear seeing any of them in the hallways or at a meal, and Sirius knew it."  James laughed ruefully, obviously without humor, "We should've been born to each other's parents.  Mrs. Black thought I was exactly what a pureblood should be, but the Potters _adored_ Sirius…he was light, and carefree, and he charismatic.  Everybody loves him as soon as they meet him, but not me.  Nobody has ever loved me."

Lily jerked in a short sob, she couldn't help it as a sea full of sorrow drenched over her, immersing her in the haunting memories James was revealing, "James, I, you, I-."

He just plunged ahead, as if he didn't realize she was trying to piece together a coherent thought, "So Sirius let me stay with him for one glorious summer.  A summer without the Potters.  In return, when Sirius ran away, my house was where he came."

"Sirius ran away?"

"Yeah, summer before sixth year.  He left the day after he turned sixteen.  I was unreachable to the Potters by then, so Sirius was basically their son; not me, never me."

"But I thought he went to visit his mother at Christmas."

"He did, she's dying.  They expect every day to be her last, and unfortunately, the old hag is still holding out for God knows what.  She is someone you need to avoid at all costs."  James had slid as quickly out of his pool of memories as he had dove in, his firm manner back.

Lily, sensing this, didn't try to lead him back in, "Why is that?"

"She will tear you apart, that's all.  What are you doing for Easter Holidays?"

"Going home.  I would ask you to go with me, but I know my parents won't stand for it," Lily said dismally.

"Don't worry, I am-."

Without any sort of announcement, the three other Marauders tumbled into the room in a loud cloud of laughter and chatter and sparks and popping sounds.  The three seemed to be having a mock fight which led to Sirius rolling down the length of the room.

"Errr…I'm staying here with these three idiots."

Lily watched in fascination, ready to see what males did in their natural habitat.  Sadly enough, she was disappointed when they noticed her.

"Oh.  Hi, uh, Lily.  We aren't interrupting anything are we?" Sirius asked nervously, obviously terrified that they had interrupted something.  "Nothing, uh, that involves snogging and clothes-tossing?"

"No, nothing of that nature; as you can see, Lily has all of her clothing on," James answered, eyeing all of them warily.  "What were you guys doing without me?"

"We just rigged up the Slytherin team's locker room, they will never be able to prove we did it," Remus said mildly, looking at Lily with avid interest.  "Peter did an excellent job distracting a couple third years when they came down."

"It was nothing.  So, what are you two doing?" Peter asked, and got sharp nudges from the two people who were thinking the exact same question.

"Talking."

"In a dorm?  Isn't that against the rules?"

"It was a private discussion."

"So you want us to leave," Remus decided, trying to herd the other two out.

"The private part ended just before you came in, you can stay.  Unless you need me for something, Lily and I will just finish our conversation on a stroll to the Owlery.  I need to pick up Damon, he wanted some exercise earlier so I let him out.  Lily?"  Once they were on their way to the Owlery, James turned to her, "You seem perplexed."

"I'm just thinking about you guys."

"Plural…I'm jealous."

"It's amazing how well you four interact, well, three, Peter doesn't seem as close, but still, it's remarkable."

"We've been friends since first year, we stick together.  Not to change the subject, but for the holidays, you're going home and that's it, right?"

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"To be perfectly honest, I was going to try to persuade you to go home if you were planning on staying here or with Millie."

"Why?"

"It's not safe anymore, surely you notice.  Voldemort is recruiting.  Some of his trusted henchmen are trying to gather a few people each, and Hogwarts students are one of the preferred targets.  The weak and the clever are their choices; the weak are easy to win over, the clever often have a hunger for great achievement.   I wouldn't want you to be among those approached or hurt by the people he has already got on his side.  Hogsmeade is a breeding ground for activity at the moment.  Most purebloods have friends or a few family members in with him, so you have to be selective of where you locate yourself."

"Are you telling me this because you think I'm weak, clever, or because I'm a Muggle-born and one of the targeted?"

"The last two, and because I care."

"In that case, thank you, James.  So why is it safe for you to stay and go to Hogsmeade?"

"I don't think I'll be approached, I've made it known I'm against the Dark Arts.  If I am, I'll say no, and what is the worst thing that could happen?"

"You could be killed," Lily said bluntly.

James shrugged, giving her the eerie feeling he didn't really _care_.  "I'm a Pureblood, so I'll have the liberty of a couple opportunities before I have to make the fatal decision."

Lily shivered, not liking James's attitude, but she cheered up as they entered the Owlery.  Something about a wall loaded down with hooting birds made her want to skip, or at the very least, feed the birds.  She watched as James grinned as he heard the soft song of Damon, who swooped over in a gorgeous fall of scarlet and gold feathers.  

"He's rather proud of himself about now."

"I can see why," Lily said in admiration.  James couldn't do things like normal people.  When other students had brought an owl, James had brought a phoenix to school.  Granted, he still had an owl, but Damon the phoenix bunked in the seventh year boys' dorm along with two cats and a frog.  He sat on a special perch beside James's bed for most of the day, but when he was at his best, Damon liked to go for a short flight while James was in class.  

Damon trilled a greeting to Lily, well, she called it a trill, Sirius said it was a mating call, but she figured he was joking.  

She hoped he was joking.

*~*~*

I know this is shorter than usual, but the next scene takes place in July, so I decided to just make it a new chapter, it might be less confusing.  I hope no one gave up on me, it seems like it forever to write this, but I guess it was only a week, wasn't it?  I sort of had a bad time, a rather James-esque experience that allowed me to confirm that when you learn a nasty secret, you really do feel fake.  Happy days, people.  


	16. Departures

Disclaimer:  Harry Potter and all related materials are the property of JK Rowling and whoever she chooses to sell it to at a profit, and I am very lucky I can write fanfiction without being arrested, God bless America.  

Was that good or what?

**_When Dawn Breaks The Night_**

**__**

_Chapter Sixteen-Departures_

_July 4, 1973___

Lily watched the normally composed seventh years in front of her, every last one of them looking ready to crack under stress.  Of course, some were taking it better than others.  One girl appeared to be sobbing with her forehead on the table, while Lizzy Wilkins, now Frank Longbottom's ex, was biting her fingernails.  Peter appeared to be praying while frantically flipping through textbook, absorbing nothing.  Remus was also reading, although his lips moved methodically as he read slowly.  Sirius and James were hissing at each other, obviously the stress was even gnawing at them.  

"I _told_ you that the only way to make the potion turn out right was to spit in it!" Sirius said sharply.

"You don't _spit_ in potions to make them work properly, you dimwit!" James returned with ferocity, obviously highly alarmed with the situation.  

"I'm being serious, mine worked didn't it?  
  


"SIRIUS!"

"James!" Lily interjected, hastily placing her hand on his arm to calm him, Sirius sending her a grateful look.  "Why don't we-."

"I don't have time.  I should be reviewing.  Stupid!"

"Are you calling me stupid?"

"No, myself, don't worry." James gave her a reassuring smile and squeezed her hand, but appeared to drift off into his own little world, occasionally asking someone at the table about something or another."

All of this was caused by a little thing the wizarding world liked to call NEWTs, who lived up to their name-Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests.  The seventh years were becoming unhinged before everyone's very eyes, and to date, two Hufflepuffs, a Slytherin, one Gryffindor, and five Ravenclaws had been put in the hospital wing due to some sort of nervous breakdown.  Lily's admiration for James grew as she had watched him coolly prepare for the past three months, going over each subject once a week.  He was one of the few who seemed not to be completely losing his mind, but she knew that he inwardly cared the most.  To James, the NEWTs were his ticket out of Quidditch, and nothing would stand in his way of perfection.

_July 6, 1973_

When Lily and Amos entered the common room after classes that day, a room full of seventh years sprawled out on every available piece of furniture and carpeting was the last thing they expected to see.  Amos looked and Lily, and she looked at him, and neither knew what exactly to think.  

"We're done," Remus answered simply to the general area of Lily's feet since he was holding down a heavy carpet.  

"How do you guys think you did?" Lily asked, directing her question to James and his friends, not the whole common room as assumed.

All at once, the official witches and wizards started complaining and groaning about their mistakes, eager to unburden themselves on the two sixth years, while James remained silent with an amused smile.  Lily turned to him after the initial noise abated and raised an eyebrow.

"I did well."

"Good for you," she said sincerely.  Lily sat down when he moved to make room for her, settling his arm around her shoulders.  James talked to her quietly for some time, telling her about the tests and some things that were follow-ups to previous conversations, or even some seemingly random comments.  All the while, their friends looked on in amused curiosity, evidently _dying to know out what exactly was going on between the two of the.  _

So were Lily and James.

*~*~*

_July 15, 1973_

Lily stared out the window of the Hogwarts Express, feeling a James-like melancholy settle over her, making it seem hard to breathe.  Things were so terribly uncertain now, and she didn't like the brand of it.  She didn't know where she stood with her parents.  had been worse than furious when she had left without breaking up with James, and she didn't want to see their reaction when she got home, still in a relationship with him.   They would murder her if they found out she had disobeyed them for what they viewed as a normal boy.  She didn't know how she fit into his plans, though.  How could he play Quidditch, but still have a relationship with her?  And what about when she went back to Hogwarts?  

"You look sad," James observed, running his thumb over the knuckles of the hand he was holding.  

"Just thinking is all."

"About what?"

"Nothing important, I guess." Lily wished for the intervening ruckus of one of his friends or her friends, for that matter.  That wouldn't happen though; Remus had suggested the others step out to give them a little privacy for the intermediate leg of their trip, apparently to sum up their affair.  "So will you go home and try to work things out with your parents?  They did make the first step."

"I can't believe you're suggesting that after what you know about them.  You have got to be insane."

"I just think that you might really need them one day, and perhaps you should try to reconcile with them now.  Not to be a cloud on a sunny day, but things aren't going to swell with our search for your real father.  We don't have anything at all.  Not even a clue.  Nada.  Zilch.  Zip."

"I get the point, our well hath run dry," James agreed.  He wished that wasn't the case though.  He _needed to know who he really was, because it was more than evident that he wasn't the run-of-the-mill-Potter.  James looked upon the day when he could walk into the house with the knowledge of who his real father was and flaunt it in their faces with many degrees of anticipation.  No doubt James's sire would be morally competent, intelligent like James, and would immediately welcome him.  Hopefully he would have a family, and James could just slide right into theirs.  Then things would be perfect._

"You have your second chance with them now, James, it would be a shame to waste it."

"Until I have further reason to please them, playing Quidditch for one Godforsaken year will have to suffice," he said succinctly, and that was the end of that.

*~*~*

"So, umm, I guess this is it," Lily observed in discomfort.  Around them, witches and wizards were hugging and kissing their parents and other family members.  Lily's were outside the barrier, Muggles that they were.  James's parents were a distance off, but standing none too close to each other.  Lily and James were standing there by themselves, not really sure what to say or do.  James would begin playing with the Magpies shortly, a team known for their excellence.  James hated the idea.

He would be in their summer training program for the next two months, and by that time, regrettably, Lily would be back at Hogwarts, without James.  

The tense moment was broken, luckily, when Frank Longbottom jogged past, shouting, "Alice!  Alice!  Wait up; my parents are _dying to see you!"_

Lily giggled and James smiled.  "We may always wonder how that happened," she said.

"It was all us.  The Marauders single-handedly sat them up.  Kicking him out of the room in a wild Alice chase was the best thing that could have happened to him."

"James, my parents are waiting, I need to go." Lily easily hugged him, feeling sadness.

"Departures are hell," he murmured.

"For once, I agree.  I-I'll see you."

"And I'll see you.  I'll visit you first chance I get, how about?  Either that or I could just owl you and you could meet me if you don't want your parents to know."

"That would be nice," Lily said, pursing her lips.  It would be a miracle to get through this without crying.  She cried when people talked about putting their pets to sleep, so of course she would cry at something this personal.  

"You know what?"

"What?" she asked, still hugging him.

"I think I might miss you."

Lily laughed in surprise and said, "I think I might miss you too.  Good luck with the Magpies."

"That sounds wonderful when you say it like that."

"I'm glad.  Goodbye."

"Is not forever." 

"Cute."

"I know.  Bye, Lily." James kissed her while tucking back a loose strand of hair as was his habit.  Lily took one long look before walking out of Platform 9 ¾, and back into the world of Muggles for six weeks; every minute of that time being spend repairing the shaking foundation she had with her family right now.  Unlike James, she needed her family, and unlike half the teenage population, she liked them.  She enjoyed being at home with her parents and doing things with them.  So, when she saw her dark-haired mother and Petunia sitting on a bench waiting for her, it was a huge sigh of relief, a thousand burdens lifted all at once.

"Lily!" Petunia said warmly, wrapping her sister in a hug.  

"Hi, guys!"

"Did you have fun?"

The usual catching up had to take place, Lily describing final examinations and the antics of fellow classmates and teachers.  She had to tell about Gryffindor winning the House and Quidditch cups.  

To her parents, as well as Petunia and the lovingly gruff Vernon, the omission of James from all of her conversations seemed to mean that she had finally broken up with him.  In return, they very seldom brought him into the conversation.  When they did, Lily had to bite her cheek, they always had to bring up one of his dark comments or expressions, making him appear to be a menace to the world in general.

Lily knew better though.  He owled constantly…well, about every four days, but that worked for her.  Somehow, he managed to turn what she knew was an awful experience to him, into a series of hilarious events that were play-worthy.  James _was_ special to her, and not even her family or Millie or James himself could ruin that.

Or so she thought.

*~*~*

Hmm…another short chapter.  It's entirely a case of getting my wires crossed…from my timeline to WDBTN WP, apparently.  I didn't realize that it was time for the next part of my fanfic to begin so soon, but here it is.  I'm planning on having another chapter of both this one and The Haphazard Ruse out by next Friday.  On Saturday, the second of August, we're leaving for our family vacation.  In case I don't, or I have another crisis like I did last time that involved an ignorant word processor, we're going to Gettysburg and Hershey, PA; Boston; Niagra Falls; and providing we get Dad's birth certificate rounded up in time, we'll drive through Canada on our way home.  I should be back around the 16th of August I think.  The bad news is really bad.  Volleyball practice begins the 18th, the then school the 22nd!  AAAHHHHHHHH!  On the bright side though, I turn 16 on the 24th!  YAHOO!  I can drive anywhere anytime.  I think I want a Harry Potter cake.   How very delightful.

And as one last note, I'm editing the chapters previous to this in a minor go-along to OotP.  Professor Arabella Figg will be Professor Araminta Figg, the Mrs. Squib Figg's sister.  In my explanation for the Mrs. Part, children have the knack for calling all older women Mrs., married or not.  At least in my experience, that is.  Also, references of James's silver eyes will be changed to hazel (much less fun) but they still remain un-bespectacled.  

Anyway, have a nice day, everyone!  151 days until Christmas.


	17. Goodbye is Forever

**Disclaimer**: *Roll standard disclaimer*

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**When Dawn Breaks the Night**

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**_Part Two – The Black of Night_**

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_With all this darkness round me I feel less alone.   Samuel Beckett_

**Chapter One – Goodbye is Forever**

Somehow, life managed to work its way around so that it seemed nearly perfect to Lily for two glorious weeks.  She was in her prime, living the life every teenage girl dreams of:  she had great friends, a gorgeous and attentive boyfriend, a family that didn't drive her nuts, she received notice of being Head Girl when school reconvened, and she knew what she wanted to do when she graduated.

To Lily, though, her world fell apart and hit her squarely on the head on August fifth.  She would have no trouble remembering that day in the future, none at all.

"Bye, Mum, Dad, I'll meet you guys back here in exactly five hours, okay?" Lily motioned to her watch as if to reinforce her point.  She would be spending every minute of five hours with James today in Diagon Alley.  It was the first time they got to see each other that summer, Lily especially planning her school shopping trip with the day after James's very first game.  Personally, she couldn't imagine that they learned enough in the brief training session to ready them for professional playing, but James assured her it was a terribly rigorous schedule.  He also pointed out that they weren't free yet; this was merely their first game, certainly not the end of their training.  It was just a sort of practice game, one to prepare them for better teams.  They had played the Chudley Cannons.

"Yes, honey, now be careful.  Don't make eye contact with strangers and don't-."

"I know, I know!  Don't worry, I'll be perfectly safe." Lily quickly walked into The Leaky Cauldron before her parents could give her anymore advice.  Tapping the bricks, she walked straight to Florean Fortescue's, her designated rendezvous point.  "Hello!"

"Hi, Lily," James said brightly, putting down a copy of The Daily Prophet as she sat down across from him.  "Escape from the guardian dragons?"

"Narrowly.  You look…skinny."

"The same is extended to you."

Lily laughed and rolled her eyes, savoring the undiluted sarcasm he exuded.  Apparently a solid fortnight of flying really could have slimming effects, though.  James, always thin, had clearly lost weight as well as sleep.  "You look tired."

"I am a little.  Do you want to order something?"

"I'm not one to turn my nose up at ice cream.  I'll go order.  Let me guess, you want a dish of double vanilla ice cream, straight?"

"You're brilliant."

"I know."  As Lily walked away, she grinned, feeling like she was in her element.  Upon returning to the table though, she noticed the paper.  "Hey, is this about you, James?"

"I appears that way."

_Potter Plays in First Professional Game_ was the leading headline in the sports section.  "Why are you so special?"

"I'm a Potter, and that makes me newsworthy."

"How fascinating.  So, how did you do yesterday?" 

"We won.  I caught the Snitch, yahoo for me."

"Congratulations.  According to this you have a bright and extended career ahead of you."

"My ass."

"What a beautiful sentiment."

"I am rather attractive, what can I say?"

"Nothing you haven't already."

Lily felt rather rejuvenated after her shopping experience with James.  He had the talent for making the dull trip into a rather memorable experience, having a comment for every single thing.  James helped her carry the things to her parents' car, trying to make a good second impression.  "Hello Mrs. Evans, Mr. Evans.  It's nice to see you again."

"Likewise," Mr. Evans said gruffly, indicating it wasn't.  Once the car door was shut behind Lily, James giving a slight wave as they pulled off, he turned around in the seat to look at her, "I thought you two were done with."

"I just bumped into him a bit ago, and he offered to help me carry my things.  Those books are rather heavy, you know."

Apparently neither of them knew, because neither said anything on the subject although their disapproval was rather tangent, as if they _knew_ she was lying.  Lily stared out the window, watching the rain pour down dismally.  Their disappointed faces would be one of Lily's last memories of them, and it would be one that would haunt her continually.

About forty-five kilometers from their home, their car hydroplaned and careened into the ditch, a large tree stopping their flight.

*~*~*

Lily slowly opened her eyes, or more accurately, one of them.  The other was curiously stuck.  She felt a distinct fuzziness, and the white walls really offset her.  "Wh-What?  Where am I?"

"Lily!"

She winced at the loud sound, and she soon saw Petunia hovering over her.  Petunia's face was streaked with tears, and she started crying again.  Vernon came to stand beside her, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"I was so scared; it's taken you so long to wake up.  Vernon, get the nurse."

"Huh?" Lily asked rather unintelligently.  Incessant beeping made her look around slowly, her neck really hurt.  She saw large machines and cords and wires and a plastic chair and a curtain divider, and then she looked down at herself.  "P-Petunia?  I-What?"

"Don't worry, baby, you're okay," Petunia murmured, smoothing some of her hair from her face, kissing Lily's cheek.

"I don't understand."

"You and Mum and Dad were in an accident on your way home from Diagon Alley.  You're okay now, though.  Nothing's too wrong with you, they think.  Just a cracked ankle and you wrenched your wrist pretty badly.  Your eye's blackened, you've got a real shiner."

"Mum and Dad?  Where're they?"  

"You just need to worry about you right now."

"Where're they?" Lily asked, feeling terrified and she started to cry.

"They…They didn't make it, Lily."

"Nooooo.  They've got to be okay," Lily sobbed, closing her eye tightly.  "Petunia, tell me they're okay.  I love 'em.  I really do."

"Of course you do, sweetheart.  Oh, here's the nurse." 

Lily didn't try to see who was checking her out, or asking her questions, or poking at her.  She just wished she could somehow have a turn for the worse and die here and now.  

"I don't think you should have told her," Vernon muttered, watching his sister-in-law sob quietly.

"She knew without me telling her."

*~*~*

The next time she woke up, Lily felt truly miserable.  She was hungry, and she felt rather disgusting, and to make everything even worse, she felt emotionally bereft.  Seeing she was alone, she tried to remember what had happened, but couldn't.  She just remembered her parents' reaction to James, and her misery was heightened.  She felt like the dregs of society in a hospital gown.  With a little difficulty, Lily was able to roll over so she could smash her face in her pillow and really cry like she had when her grandmother had died.

"Miss Evans?"

"Leave me alone."

"Miss Evans, I'm your nurse.  It's time for you to get up and try walking around."

"Get out of here!"

"I'm sorry, but I can't do that.  You need to be fitted for a cast now that the swelling in your ankle has gone down, and it'd be good for you to walk around."

Lily felt shock at the word cast.  Of course Muggles couldn't just wave a want and heal the crack, she would have to have a _cast…how quaint.  "If I lie here long enough maybe I'll begin to decompose."_

"I'm afraid that would take longer than you might think.  Now why don't we walk down to the cast room."  
  


"No.  I refuse."

"But, you-."

"My parents just died!  I should have too, can't you just leave me alone?  I want to be alone.  Forever." Lily started crying again, shoving her pillow against her face as she shook.  She was dimly aware of the nurse's retreating footsteps, but she felt no satisfaction about gaining her own way.

*~*~*

The day she was able to come home appeared as dreary as Lily felt.  After a long three days in her hospital bed, she was more than ready to go home.  Only she would be going to Number Four Privet Drive, Little Whinging.  No more cheery yellow bedroom in Floodmere, but a pastel green one.  Lily glared at the heavens balefully, watching the rain pour down.  She didn't feel it though; a nurse was holding an umbrella over her wheelchair as Vernon brought the car around.  Lily wasn't sure she would notice anyway.  During the ride home, it felt as if it would be forever before she could huddle on a couch or upstairs in private.  Eventually, though, she did get settled into the upstairs bedroom; one she knew Petunia wanted desperately to have a child to bunk in it.  She immediately dragged a stool over to the window to watch the rain fall.  It had become a morbid fascination with her; the rain had killed her parents.  It had been raining ever since they had left London.  Maybe it was raining for her.  

She briefly thought of James playing Quidditch in the downpour, but she quickly and rather savagely shoved him from her mind.

"Lily?" Petunia asked softly from behind her, coming to set her hands on Lily's shoulders.  "You can't do this to yourself."

"You don't understand, Petunia.  I-I think it was my fault."

"Lily!  No it wasn't, don't think that, it's awful.  You didn't do anything wrong."

"Y-Yes I did." Lily started crying again, she had been doing it so much lately.  "I-I met h-him in Dia-Diagon Alley.  Mu-Mum and Dad f-found o-out about it.  I'm so s-sorry, Petunia.  I w-wish I hadn't l-lied t-to them!  I r-really am.  If I could take it back, I would a million t-times.  They were s-so dis-disappointed in me, I could tell they were.  M-Mum was prob-prob'ly thinking about it when…when….when she cr-crashed.  She was too busy wor-worrying about me to no-notice the r-road was sl-slick.  I-I did it.  

"Lily, who did you meet?" Petunia asked gently, hugging her little sister protectively.

"J-James."

"Potter?"

"Y-Yes.  I'm so, so so-sorry.  Pl-Please don't hate me.  Pl-Please." Lily put her face in her hands and cried in desperation.  

Petunia smiled, how could she hate Lily for something she was so sorry for?  "Why did you meet him, anyway?"

"I…I missed him, Petunia.  I thought I l-loved him.  He's so sw-sweet sometimes, and smart, and he kn-know people.  He knows what makes peo-people do the things we do.  And he's hu-hurt so bad-badly," Lily hiccupped, barely able to breathe right now.

"Lily, I don't think anybody's been hurt any worse than you right now."

"H-He has, b-but I'm not go-going to s-see him any…anymore.  No more, Petunia, I sw-swear."

"I know you won't.  But don't worry about it anymore.  I'll have Vernon move a better chair up here for you.  And I'll make you something to eat, any preferences?"

"I don't want anything.  Just let me die here by this window."

"_Lily_."

"If I promise not to die, would you leave me alone?"

"Yes."

*~*~*

Petunia returned a few hours later with a meal made up of Lily's favorite foods.  Her younger sister hadn't moved from the chaise Vernon had labored to bring up to the room.  She was still staring out the window, watching the rain.  

"I want to go home.  
  


"_What_?"

"I can't handle this.  I am losing my mind.  I need to get my things anyway."

"We were going to empty the house in a few weeks anyway.  We'll just move them then."

"I'll be going back to Hogwarts in a few weeks.  You know, Petunia, if you had been in that car, you would have died.  I should have."

"Lily…"

"Really, though," Lily said sensibly.  "I could fall out of this window right now and not get hurt.  Did you know people fall from dazzling heights in Quidditch every day?  They do.  It takes more to kill magical people than Muggles like you.  There's no way I could die in a car accident.  It takes magic to kill magic.  What did they do with my Hogwarts things?"

"Your Ministry collected them and brought them here.  They're in the cupboard under the stairs.  With the other freaky things, you know, spiders and sprouting potatoes."

"Petunia."

"I know, I know.  I'll be good."

After Petunia left, Lily continued staring at the window, remember everything she could.  Now, her greatest fear was to forget her parents.  What if one day she couldn't remember the way her mother moved around the kitchen, seeming to do it without thinking?  What would she do if she couldn't remember the way her dad would ruffle her hair and call her 'A carrot top, just like me'?  Lily put a hand to her hair, then lifted a mirror from a nearby table.  Her dad's hair, her mother's eyes.  Lily opened the window, savoring the feel of the occasional mist being blown in.  Then, an owl was blown in, making her give a little shriek of surprise.  Quickly, though, she realized it was James's owl.

"Hey there, BB."  The owl hooted and flew over to a table, expecting some sort of hospitality.

**Hi, Lily!**

**Brilly**** my brilliant owl returned with my last letter to you, and found out you were in Little Whinging with your sister.  I have a game early on the thirty first, and I'm sure I can catch the Snitch even quicker if I know I'm going to meet you afterwards.  I would love to swing by your house and pick you up, but if you want, I can just meet you at the location of your choosing.  I have got the funniest story to tell you about Sirius, you'll die.  I can't wait to see you again.**

**James.**

Lily choked back a sob and bit her knuckles.  He sounded so sweet, so enthusiastic to see her again, and that made her hurt even more.  She knew she would hurt him and betray his trust when she saw him again, and this note made it all the harder.  

_Meet me in the south side of the park, at the swings.  I'll be there at three o'clock.  Lily._

She knew he would notice the omission of _love Lily.  She knew exactly what would happen at their meeting._

She knew too much.

She craved the rain.  It was a soothing balm; a near addiction.  It had killed her parents.  Carefully, Lily balanced on one leg as she stood up, not at all craving the searing pain of putting weight on it.  She eased the window open to it's widest, it being a swinging hinge one that opened like a set of double doors.  With a smile, Lily threw one leg over and sat there, feeling the cool breeze lift her hair and the rain dampen her skin.  And for the first time in ages, Lily felt relatively calm.  Until she realized tomorrow was the thirty-first.  Completely losing her composure, Lily felt rushed.  There was _no way Lily could have her dialog planned by then.  _

She would have to try though.

And Lily realized that life has to seem perfect sometimes to make up for those really, really horrible spans.

*~*~*

And here it is.  I'm going to work on The Haphazard Ruse, and then that'll be all you here out of me for a couple weeks.  Things will probably slow down even after I get back because I'm really busy once school starts.  I'm so excited about vacation, but I'm a little disappointed, well, a lot disappointed, about the Gettysburg.  I'm really psyched about going, I LOVE Civil War stuff, but we're missing the 140th anniversary reenactment by three days, and I'm a little glum about that, but I'll live.  I'm trying to fit all of my stuff in one huge suitcase, and I'm just waiting to see how that will work.  Last year I couldn't lift it when I tried it, but this year I'm taking lighter clothing and less shoes, so I think it might be okay.  Let's hope anyway, if I'm in the hospital with a spinal column injury, I won't be doing much writing.  

Speaking of writing, I love this part.  My favorite parts of fics are angsty, sad parts and lovey-dovey parts.  I've had requests for those sort of parts, but I'm not comfortable doing them.  I have no qualms about reading them, but writing them is completely separate, but I will try.  Really.


	18. The Delusions of Life

On the assigned date of July thirty-first, Lily Evans officially became a nervous wreck.  She couldn't make a decision to save her life, which this indeed could do….ccording to Petunia.  Lily's first idea was to march into the park and succinctly make her speech.  And then her chicken mode kicked in, and she thought that maybe she should just act like it was a normal date until it was time to go back home.  Then came her favorite; hide at home, maybe in that cupboard under the stairs.  Nobody would ever find her there.

The hiding thing was actually the plan she had decided on until about three thirty, half an hour past the arranged meeting time.  That would be when the guilt finally caught up with her.

Lily hobbled downstairs on her crutches, now that her wrist was barely sore at all, but she was so surprised that she stumbled a bit.  Petunia was standing sentry in the hall.  Lily wondered what had happened to her plans to go to the cinema, a thought she voiced.  

"Sold out."

"Well…I'm going to the park for a bit," Lily said quietly, and probably guiltily.

"I doubt you'll be playing tag, so what exactly, are you going to do once you see him?"

"What I have to.  How did you know I am meeting James?"

"I didn't, but it looks like you just confirmed it.  I'm sure you'll make the right decision, and I'll be here when you get back."

"I…thank you, Petunia." Lily left quickly before she started crying, but she couldn't keep up the quick pace on her crutches without tiring, making her even later.  The exhaustion she felt was nothing to the sheer misery when she spotted James.  Lily was still behind a small band of trees, so he couldn't really see her, but she could easily watch him.  But, instead of seeing someone who had been the source of her parents' disappointment with her the very last day they were alive, she saw a dejected young man with a small bouquet of yellow and pink daisies clutched between his knees.

He didn't look up until she lowered herself into the swing next to him.  "Hey, James."

"I figured you were coming."

"I almost didn't.  Anyway, I'm not so spiffy with these," she said, indicating to her crutches.

James's expression turned to horror as he finally observed her blackened eyes and scratched face.   "What the bloody hell happened to you?  Are you okay?  Why didn't you tell me something happened; I would have visited you at the hospital.  WE could have met someplace closer so that you didn't have to walk."

"My parents died."  That was all Lily could say, but that wasn't a surprise, it was all she could think, too.

He reached out and held her hand, and she didn't have the heart to pull it away.  "I would have came to the funeral and stood with you if I had known.  I'm sorry it was your parents…it should have been someone like mine.  Nobody cares what happens to them, but your parents have you."  He tucked the bouquet of flowers in her other hand, "I'll send you some Get Well Soon and I'm Sorry For Your Loss flowers ASAP."

"I think that would be wholly unnecessary, but thank you.  James…I…I don't…We..."

"You don't have to say it, Lily," James said quietly.  "Your letter pretty much told me something between us had changed, and you almost not coming confirms it.  I just want to know why you want to end a relationship I thought we were both happy in."

Lily wasn't prepared for the blunt chill that entered his voice and the hard glare that drilled her.  "My parents."

"Aren't you a touch late on that one?"

They were both standing now, and Lily reached out to touch his face.  She was surprised when he didn't jerk away.  "I'm not strong enough to handle the guilt, James.  I can't do it."

"Let me help."

"I'm sorry…I can't.  They knew I didn't break up with you.  The last memory I have of my parents is them being disappointed in something I had done.  I need to fix it."

"If they wanted us to break up, maybe they should have died sooner."

"James.  I'm sorry…I truly am…you have no idea."

"I think I might.  I'll walk you back to your sister's."

"That's okay, I can get there on my own."

"No, really."

"I want to be by myself for awhile, I'm just going to stay a bit.  "

"Fine, then.  Are you sure?  About everything?" James asked, his hazel eyes search her own.

Lily nodded, not trusting herself to speak.  She thought she could pull this off without crying until James ruined her plan by giving her one last kiss; one filled with heart-wrenching tenderness.  The tears fell.

"Yes, I can see you're very certain, Lily.  I hope you can be happy with your decision, sweetheart," he said quietly.

"Goodbye, James," she said, sinking back into her swing to watch James walk away.  He didn't look back.

*~*~*

*~*~*

Lily found Petunia cooking in the kitchen.  "Tell me I did the right thing," she said, tears evident in her voice.  "Tell me I didn't completely screw up my life just now, ruining his too.  _Please_."

"Lily, you did the right thing, morally and logically," Petunia said calmly.  "It was Mum and Dad would have wanted, you know that."

"I don't know anymore," she said, laying her head on the table, wanting to just bawl.  Lily was beginning to seriously doubt her decision.  James had so accurately pointed out she wasn't sure when she made it, not sure at all.  "Oh, God, Petunia.  I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have."

"_Lily_," Petunia said sharply, tilting Lily's chin up to look at her, "did you love Mum and Dad?"

"Yes…of course," she whispered, tears sliding down her face again.  A million voices seemed to be screaming at her, all at once, half of them reminding her that her parents were _dead_…the other half reminding her that she had lost James now.  "Oh, God!"

"Then you did the right thing.  You can't let this destroy you, Lily."

"Petunia, you have no idea how miserable I am right now."

"You aren't the only one who lost a parent," she said sharply, making Lily feel even worse.  "You chose the bad apple, and now you're paying the price for lying to our parents.  I realize this is hard, but you're making it even worse on yourself.  I'm going to give you some advice Mum gave me…_move on."_

"Could you have been any more harsh?" Lily snapped, wishing someone would just hug her.

"Yes, I could have, but I would rather you didn't cry.  At the same time, Lily, you have got to shake this.  It's a harsh world."

"Thanks for telling me what I already knew.  I'm going upstairs," she muttered.  She sat unmoving upstairs for hours before it finally crossed her mind to write Millie and Amos.  Each got a very simple and identical note:  _I've got some good new for you-you've gotten your wish; James Potter is officially out of my life.  I hope you're happy._

*~*~*

The next day, Lily had received an early morning owl from Millie stating she would be over there as soon as she could arrange it, and another one from Amos logically asking her what happened and if she was okay.

The real surprise was from the late-night visit from a certain Remus Lupin, looking abnormally unsettled.  Petunia had called upstairs for Lily, sounding worried.  Lily had hurried more than usual, and she had at first been relieved to see Remus's tired face, then alarmed at his obvious unhappiness.   "Is something wrong?"

"You could say that.  Are you alright?  James mentioned you had gotten hurt, but I didn't realize you had to have a leg extension."

"It's a cast, Remus," she said dryly, "a Muggle thing.  Come on in the living room."

He seemed rather reluctant to follow, but he did nonetheless.  He seemed to be thinking for awhile before he spoke again:  "James got hurt in a Quidditch game today."

  
"Was it because of-?"

"Don't try to delude yourself," Remus said roughly.  "James would not fall off of a broom because of a girl.  He could fly through hell itself.  The Falmouth Keeper slammed James into a goal and he fell off.  He just mangled his knee up decently, but he would've been okay had it not been for the half-wit MediWizard.  He did the wrong bloody spell and made his knee very nearly explode.  Ruined it, he did.  The Healer said he can walk again soon enough, but he won't be able to play Quidditch like he did, won't have that secondary grip."

Lily sat with her hand over her mouth, unable to believe that James had actually gotten hurt.  _The_ James Potter, invincible and untouchable.  He could go through an ocean of curses and insults without blinking.  

"Had it been my choice, I wouldn't have told you.  Had it been Sirius's, you would be dead right now.  If Peter would have had his way, we would have made you drain his knee…you wouldn't have made it through that either.  James told us to tell you because he didn't want you to see it in The Daily Prophet.  For some reason, he thinks you still care.  Quite frankly, Lily, I don't know what the hell you're playing at, but you are royally screwing up several lives in the process.  I suggest you figure some things out and quickly."

"I broke up with him because I want to."

"Unbelievable.  Absolutely un-damn-believable."

"Should I go see him?"

"Just bloody well stay away from him and try not to ruin his life, Lily."

"Remus, I-."

"I think he's had a rough enough time of it."

"I know he has!  I'm _trying to help."_

"I believe you lost that privilege."

"_Nobody_ is trying to see my side of the situation, not you, not James, not even Petunia!  No one cares that I feel like I'm dying!"

"But you're not, and I think that's the important thing to remember right now." Remus left quickly, the night swallowing him immediately, making Lily feel cold and alone.  Her anger had died as quickly as Remus had come, leaving nothing.  What was there to leave?  Nobody cared about her anymore; her friends had apparently deserted her, every last one of them, and Petunia was too preoccupied with vengeance to know how lost she felt.  

And lost was the perfect word for it.  

*~*~*

As it turned out, Amos visited her before Millie got around to it, and he found her in a rather sad state.  A sad, depressed, uncommunicative state.  

Petunia had ushered him up to her room where Lily was staring out the window again, but this time the rain was absent.  "Lily?"

Lily jumped at the sound of a voice other than her sister's, for a brief and wild moment imagining that it was James behind her.  She had listened to Amos's voice for nearly every day since she was eleven; he was one of her best friends.  Recently absent best friend, she noted.  "Hi, Amos."

"When you didn't write back I got worried.  I hope I'm not out of place."

"Of course you're not.  I'm very glad you're here, in fact," she murmured, rising to hug him tightly.  Finally, a hug.  "I'm very, very glad you're here."

"Why do I have the impression that you forgot to leave out the 'I'm miserable' part of your note?"

"Because I didn't have the heart to put it in there.  My life is in _shambles, Amos, and I don't know what to do.  I feel like everything is out of my control and I can't even choose what happens in my life…I am coerced into everything and I don't have the hardness to stand my ground.  I wish everything could just stop for awhile so I can get my bearings." Lily started crying again, not just tears as had been the norm for the past few days, but deep, tearing sobs.  Amos didn't try to get her to stop crying as everyone else had done, for which Lily was vastly relieved.  "I miss my parents so much, like I just have a huge burn that keeps getting bumped and loaded with dirt, and it's festering.  And nobody will help me put some dressing on it.  Now I miss James, and I feel supremely guilty.  He has a sucky life, Amos, and I made it worse for him.  He's hurt now, in a Quidditch game, he can't play anymore.  Sirius and Remus and Peter will be the only ones that will visit him.  I feel awful and it's not getting any better.  I just wish someone would listen to me, Amos.  Nobody seems to care about me.  I realize that I am acting like a spoiled brat, but right now, I'm an orphaned brat.  It's not fair!  I want my parents back!  _I want them back_!"_

Lily gripped the collar of his shirt as violence boiled within her, wanting to scream and kick and hit something.  She wanted to cause the destruction that had been shoveled into her life.  She wanted someone to hurt the way she was hurting.

"Lily, it is okay to feel that way, and if you really want to hit me, you can.  I felt the same way when my parents died.  Part of you will always hurt when you think of them, but that part will grow smaller and smaller as time passes."

She clenched her eyes shut tighter, shaking as the tears squeezed out.  "I want the pain to go away.  I wish something would make it go away.  I can't sleep anymore.  I can't do this."

"Just get through one day at a time, and each day will bring you farther from the pain."

"I can't handle another day.  I can't handle it here.  I feel like a caged animal and I'm running against the walls.  I love Petunia, but she doesn't understand how I feel.  She has Vernon and I have…I have my ruddy _owl_.  I miss Hogwarts and magic and chocolate frogs."

"Would Petunia let you stay by yourself at your house?"

"Considering I might fall down the stairs, no."

"If I went with you to St. Mungo's and your leg got fixed, how about then?"

"Maybe."

"Then let's do it.  At least your leg won't hurt anymore.  You might be able to stay by yourself for awhile, and you can gather your wits and prepare for Hogwarts.  You haven't got your letter let, have you?  I'll go with you to get those last couple books when you do.  You'll get through this, Lily."

"How did you do it, Amos?"

"Exactly the same way you are…slowly but surely."

*~*~*

A/N:  Haha, another chapter.  Anyway, there's several little things I'm going to let you in on.  Guess who turns sixteen on Sunday?  ME!  I can't wait…but guess when school starts.  Friday….oh goody.  That means my time is going to be demolished, volleyball practice is starting, so I'll probably only have a few hours a week to work on my fics.  I might have to start updating each fic every other week, but I'll try to keep it regular.  Also, I'm considering starting a new one, so that's going to subtract some time also.  Anyway, happy August everyone.  I trust everyone is ready for school to start….or not.  


	19. Lost and Found

A/N:  No, you are _not hallucinating, this really, honest to God, and update.  I was in a sort of moral crisis over my former plan for this fic, but last night I thought of something else.  It just clicked in my mind and here I am, a day later.  I really apologize about taking so long, and for those of you who didn't know, I put a little note in my bio.  If you'll check there that should usually explain what my hold up is if it's something that I have a modicum of control over.  Anyway, happy Halloween and if you get a chance, check out my new fic.  It's a one-shot Sirius fic called I Got Out._

**Capitolo Diciannove:  Lost and Found**

"All Prefects will be expected to be in the Great Hall at nine o'clock tomorrow night to begin with the decorating, and the sooner we get it done, the sooner we can all get back to our common rooms.  Everyone pick up an envelope on the way out, it will contain your specific duties.  This meeting is adjourned, everyone have a great night." Lily rolled her eyes as she turned from the podium and began placing her things into her book bag again.  She would bet a Galleon that somebody would forget an envelope and then ask her about it tomorrow morning at breakfast.  Then she would take a couple house points, get a scowl or two, and calmly finish eating her orange.

She watched the last Prefects leave, forgetting their envelopes as they chatted on their way out, and Lily shot a triumphant glance at Amos.  

"Damn, you won again.  How do you always know what they're going to do it?"

"It's a secret, my dear, a very good secret.  What job did you select?"

"I am going change the lighting."

Neither of them had to hear him say, "To help you."

Lily was perfectly capable of charming the candles to give off that special Christmas glow, but both of them knew at any minute she could lose grip of the brilliantly placed mask she was holding.  The next day, she would be forced to decorate the castle for Christmas, and there was nothing she could dread more.  She didn't know how she would be able to handle a full month of Christmas Trees and snowflakes and gingerbread and holly.  Lily wasn't even sure what would happen when she heard her first Christmas carol, but she didn't think it would be good.  It would be her first Christmas without her family, without anyone.  Her mother and father were dead, Vernon would be taking Petunia on an anniversary cruise, and everyone would be going home, leaving her at Hogwarts by herself.  Of course, Millie and Amos had both asked her home with then, but Lily wouldn't be able to watch Christmas as a curious spectator.

Technically, she wouldn't be alone at Hogwarts.  There were dozens of students staying from each house.  The orphan population had tripled over the summer and was growing with terrifying celerity.  That would bring the reason that the Prefects and Head Boy and Girl had to decorate.  The wizarding world could only be described as scary right now.  There seemed to be an upheaval of power where nobody could be certain whose side somebody was on anymore.  Professor Dumbledore had begun teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts this year, and the Transfiguration post had went unfilled after Professor Figg had left on a mysterious trip a week into the term.  The free period each teacher had previously had at some point of the week was now spent teaching that class, making all the instructors frazzled to the point of ripping out their hair.  The students were waffled back and forth between lessons with no apparent plan.

With a quick kiss and a hug, she and Amos parted at the dormitory stairs, and Lily walked up them tiredly.  It seemed like everything in her life and changed, and not very much of it was for the better.  Even her relationship with Amos had changed.  They were sort of playing at being more than friends, but it was still in that awkward stage where people were still asking them if they were seriously dating or just playing a joke on someone.  It was honestly terrible, though, when someone asked what had happened with James.  She would make some sort of incoherent noise, look at Amos, and say 'we broke up this summer'.

Lily flopped into her bed and lay there, thinking about that question.  She had no idea what he was doing.  Lily had seen Remus in Hogsmeade a few weekends back, but he had only said that James was doing well.  He had paused and looked at her for a long minute until Amos came running up and slipped his arm around her waist.  Remus had quickly averted his eyes and murmured a quick goodbye.

All in all, it was November 28, and Lily Evans did not know how many days there were until Christmas.  That seemed to sum up her situation rather tidily.

*~*~*

The train from Hogsmeade to London departed two brief days before Christmas, but it was a day made purposely special for even the students staying behind. Those who would not be journeying home were allowed to go to the station to see their friends off and stay an additional three hours in Hogsmeade.  That depressed the stay-at-schools on an entirely new level.  It was how Lily found herself at eleven o'clock in the morning.

She, like most of the remaining students, was alone.  The prospect of spending the next three hours in the disgustingly festive atmosphere of Hogsmeade was unbearable.  Instead, she found Alice Wigthim, who was also alone.  Alice readily agreed to go with her, and they settled on Florean Fortescue's.  The warm, coziness of the indoor parlor offered a welcome reprieve from the stiff coldness of the December weather.  Standing in line, the two girls rubbed their hands together energetically and shivered.

Lily was just irritably asking, "Do you have something that doesn't have peppermint or gingerbread flavors?" when she heard the person in the next line say, "Vanilla with a vanilla crème hot chocolate."

Her shoulders became lax in exasperation, and she glanced briefly at Alice before working up the courage to look over.  She confirmed her fears by spotting James Potter in the next line.  He looked over at the same moment, and they stared at each other for a long second.

"Hi, Lily," he said at last, giving her a short, but very cool, smile.

It took her what seemed like years to formulate a response.  "H-Hello.  How are you?"

James nodded in response as he received his order.  Lily could imagine how well he was doing as he walked away in a choppy gait that was dramatically accented in a limp.  After she was sitting at a table with Alice, she couldn't help but watch him as he wrote something.  He had several large books with him, and he wore reading glasses as he worked.  She studied the look of relaxed concentration that was occasionally broken by his eyebrows drawing together.  It was familiarity of the worst sort.  She hated that.

The night she had helped decorate the great hall was the last time she had cried; she had sobbed into red velvet swag.  Lily felt the tears gathering again, and Alice reached across the table asking, "Are you alright?"

"No.  I'm not alright.  I need…I need to leave.  I've got to go." Lily stood up and hurried out of the building, but then she just stood on the sidewalk, staring out at the crowds.  They were all hurrying around with something to do and someone to meet at the end.  She was just standing there alone with the wind tugging at her cloak with no one.  There would be no one to walk her to Hogwarts, no one there once she arrived.  There would be nobody to wake her up on Christmas morning, and nobody to open presents with.  There wasn't anyone to sing songs with and nobody to throw chestnuts in the fire with. 

She didn't need to do any last minute shopping; there were only four people to buy for, how long did that take?  Lily wouldn't return home with shiny, wrapped packages tucked under her arm or with that warm glow that proclaimed you had done a wonderful job. 

Lily stumbled backward as someone ran into her.  She muttered an apology but looked up to see it was Sirius Black with Peter Pettigrew standing beside him.  "Oh, um…"

"Are you okay, Lily?" Peter asked, looking at her expectantly.

"No, Peter, I'm not, but I think that's really beside the point right now."

"Did I hurt you?  You're _crying_," Sirius pointed out.

"No I'm not," she said and wiped at her tears.  "I'm fine.  I've got to go, bye."

Before she could walk away, Sirius called her name.  "Happy Christmas."

Lily froze and turned to look at him again, knowing she was perilously close to breaking down.  "Happy Christmas, Sirius, Peter."

Sirius watched her retreat, and then looked at Peter.  "She's changed, hasn't she?"

"I would guess so.  She's lost a lot recently."

"And she isn't doing anything to fix her situation.  That's sad."

*~*~*

_Christmas Day, 1973_

_Sixteen Ginela Boulevard___

_Potter Residence_

The three family members stared at each other, none of them really sure of what to do.  

Sadly enough, James had the best idea of what was supposed to happen next.  He eyed his parents, both fully dressed and groomed for the day.  "You were supposed to stay in pajamas.  See."

"I don't know why we're doing this!" Mr Potter snapped.  "You're nineteen years old and suddenly you want to have a _real Christmas_!  And now, I suppose, you're going to sit here criticizing your mother and I for the entire blasted day!"  
  


"No, I'm not.  I'm just trying to do this the right way; I'm pointing it out for future reference, okay?  Anyway, we're supposed to open presents now.  I'll get them out from under the tree."  James had wracked his memory savagely in the previous weeks in order to recreate last year's Christmas as faithfully as he could.  He even had a list.  He and the House Elves had decorated the house in hopes of removing the dark gloominess.  James had given them recipes and a menu and found a Christmas station on the wireless.

Now it would be simply grand if his parents could just cooperate.  

He handed them each several presents, earning surprised looks from both of them.  There were five from himself, one from each of the Marauders and each parent.  He was disappointed to note the lack of Christmas card from Lily, but shrugged it off to think about it later.  

"Okay, now we all open our presents at once.  Then we'll laugh, say thank you, and give hugs…wait…let's not hug."

The horror on his parents' faces was obvious.

The three of them began tearing into the presents, and the irony was enough to make James laugh humorlessly.  Instead of the personal and specialty gifts Lily's family gave and received, his was the sort you would give strangers.  That was until his father left the room and then reentered with a huge box covered in orange paper.  Inside was a top of the line medical potions kit.

"I decided it was time I started taking your goal to be a Healer seriously.  Here you go."

"I…thank you, sir," James said finally.  "Thank you."  He shook Mr. Potter's hand, thinking about the running hug Lily would have given her father.  He would have to be alive for that to happen, though.  

"So how _is_ your medical training going?" Emmaline asked.

James stared around at the two of them, wondering how this could be happening.  "Why don't I tell you over breakfast?  It's only French toast since we're eating dinner in a few hours."

*~*~*

_Christmas at Hogwarts_

Lily stared up at the ceiling above her bed, wondering how in the hell things had come down to this.  Seriously, as what pointed had she offended the gods or other controlling being?  

Always in the past, Christmas had been something good and pure to her.  It was, quite simply, untouchable.  No matter what, it was there every December 25, and nothing could change that.  Christmas was beautiful because of that.  There were always second chances to get it right, but it didn't really matter if you did or not, because there was no set way Christmas had to be.  

However, she was sure Christmas wasn't supposed to involve lying in bed at eleven thirty in the morning with no desire to get out of bed.  

She put her hands over her face and sighed, not knowing what to do.  The reasonable part of her said she should try to make the best out of a bad situation, but the part of her that still hurt and mourned her parents suggested she just stay in bed and cry.  The hurt part won, and she rolled onto her side again, trying to block out the morning light.

She dreamed of reindeer and her parents, but awoke to an owl sitting on her.

She took the envelope it offered her, looking around expectantly for something in return.  It hopped away from the owl treat she offered and bobbed its head at the still unopened envelope.  Wearily, Lily smashed her glasses onto her face and opened it, drawing out a matte card with a Christmas scene of blinking lights.  The lights let her know it was originally a Muggle card, but that it had been bewitched.  She opened it to find _Your Christmas wish came true_ written on the inside.  Lily was temporarily confused because she hadn't made a wish this year; nothing magical nor Muggle could bring the dead back.  _Thank you for giving me Christmas._

"Oh, dear Lord," she moaned.  Drawing her knees up, Lily felt monumentally worse.  She didn't need to be reminded of last Christmas, she didn't want to be thanked…she didn't want to think of him being happy with someone else.  All of it hurt too much.  

Unfortunately, it looked like the owl exspected to pick up a card in return.  She hadn't bought cards this year as in the past.  That left her with two options:  reuse the card Petunia sent her or improvise.  She chose the latter.  Drawing out a roll of parchment and her colored inks, she folded the paper and drew a quick Christmas tree on the front.  Inside she scribbled _As__ you can probably tell I didn't buy Christmas cards this year; I didn't plan to give or receive any.  I'm glad you're having a nice Christmas.  Apparently you don't need it, but Happy Christmas all the same.  Lily.  She rolled it up and tied it to the owl's leg._

After it had gone, she burst into tears.  

For the first time, Christmas had failed her.  

There was something so sad about it that she just couldn't bear it.

_Where are you Christmas  
Why can't I find you  
Why have you gone away  
Where is the laughter  
You used to bring me  
Why can't I hear music play  
  
My world is changing  
I'm rearranging  
Does that mean Christmas changes too   
  
Where are you Christmas  
Do you remember  
The one you used to know  
I'm not the same one  
See what the time's done  
Is that why you have let me go_

Where Are You Christmas

*~*~*

A/N:  No, you are _not hallucinating, this really, honest to God, and update.  I was in a sort of moral crisis over my former plan for this fic, but last night I thought of something else.  It just clicked in my mind and here I am, a day later.  I really apologize about taking so long, and for those of you who didn't know, I put a little note in my bio.  If you'll check there that should usually explain what my hold up is if it's something that I have a modicum of control over.  Anyway, happy Halloween and if you get a chance, check out my new fic.  It's a one-shot Sirius fic called I Got Out._


	20. The Reversal of Roles

*~*~*

"As a general rule, your first instinct is the right one.  If you see the patient and give them a thorough examination, and it's a toss-up between two diagnoses, go with the one that jumps into your mind before you consult the books.  You all have good minds, and they will usually lead you in the right direction."  The medical theory professor rose from his chair to stand in front of his desk, "And I have only one other thing for today, gentlemen. Because our program is so heavily funded by the Ministry, I need thirty of my students to work at the career festival tomorrow.  Since you are such a superb class, I have volunteered you."  There were groans throughout the all-male class.  "All you'll need to do is show up at the medical seminars and make sure nobody dies.  It will be equal to a test grade.  Check in with Miriam Strout.  You're dismissed."

"This makes Potions seem like ever so much more fun," James muttered darkly to the student sitting next to him.

"That's really saying something if Potions at Hogwarts was anything like it was at Beauxbatons," Mason Dechamp agreed. 

James and Mason had formed a sort of reluctant friendship after a few weeks of medical school.  They would never be the sort that would divulge every secret no matter how private like James and Sirius, but they frequently ate together at the medical complex cafeteria and prepared for tests together. James figured the reason the two of them got along well was that James could actually understand Mason's butchered form of English, and Mason didn't particularly care if James lapsed into an unexplainably bad mood.  

"Have you finished your research paper for Illnesses and Injuries yet?" James asked.  "I consider myself an expert on Dragon Pox by now; honestly, I better encounter it daily in my future."

"I have absolutely no doubt you will," Mason said with his heavy accent that sounded more like _I haf abzolutly no doot 'ou 'ill_.

"You've really got to start listening to those English tapes you bought the other day.  Seriously, how are you going to treat patients?"

"I am going to back to France.  I am only getting my education here," he said with comical dignity. 

"Right.  Do you have big plans for New Year's Eve?"

"I believe I am going with Cosette to the cinema."

"If you want to come, Sirius is having some sort of party.  I am honestly terrified; last time he took it in his head to celebrate something, I woke up on a park bench.  You'll have to leave Cosette, though, since she's a Muggle.  I still can't believe you're dating her…that's weird."

"This coming from the long-time bachelor who shares a flat with his best friend and watches the telly in the evening."

"Would you shut up?  You have no idea."

"I've heard a few things."

"Oh _have_ you?" James asked with a great amount of sharp sarcasm.  

"Everyone has.  For the first few weeks of school, everyone was whispering nonstop about you.  Quite the mysterious past you've got."

"My past is not in the least bit mysterious.  I graduated Hogwarts, played Quidditch, got hurt, and entered medical school.  That's really all there is to it."

"Hmmm."

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"People talk, that's all."

"Do I want to know what they're saying?"

"Probably not."

"Then shut up."

"I'll change the subject.  Can you believe we had to go back so early?  We don't even get to have a break until New Year's!  That must be a real bite in the arse for Christmas fanatics like yourself.  You didn't even have time to mourn the end of the season properly."

"What are you talking about?"

"You've been downright jolly these past few weeks, humming songs and all.  I just about didn't know what to think.  I see that you're back to your original mean state.  I didn't take you to be the sort that likes Christmas."

"I don't."

"Could've fooled me."

"But that doesn't take much, does it Dechamp?"

"Ouch. You're in an excellent mood I see."

"Is this about that mystery woman that people whisper about occasionally?  I haven't heard much about her, though.  Did she run off with another man while you were on tour?"

"Not to my knowledge."

"So why are stranded like a heartsick puppy?"

"I am not stranded nor am I a heartsick puppy."

"Then why aren't you escorting some of your fellow and very lovely medical students around?"

"There are three female med-students, Mason.  One of them speaks worse English than you, the other is attached, and the other is just abnormal."

"Abnormal can be good.  Or not.  So why not check out the nurses in training?  I've heard there's a few part-veelas, and I know you islanders find them _incredibly appealing."_

"I don't think so."

"Are you gay?"

"No.  Are you?"

"No.  Why do you ask?"

"You asked me."

"I have a girlfriend, you do not.  I just wondered.  Ohhhhh.  You're recovering, aren't you?"

"My knee is just fine," James said through gritted teeth.

"I was talking about your failed relationship that must've ended badly.  But your knee doesn't seem too spiffy either."

"Where do you get this stuff?"

"The Quibbler."

"Please, please tell me you're not being serious.  Actually, I don't want to know if you are.  I need to go to the library.  I'll catch up with you tomorrow at the Ministry.  I'll need someone to make sarcastic comments to."

"I'll be there."

James smiled slightly to himself, well, his lips quirked up minimally.  It was funny that people tried to guess what was wrong with him. Okay, so it was only a little amusing, but it was still something.  In reality, he was as happy as he had ever been.  He hadn't come into a great load of money, or made any new great friends, or technically been out on a date that could be classified as decent, but he was satisfied temporarily.  Christmas had really been great with his family.   That had enjoyed themselves for one of the few times in their lives.  James suspected he might have even felt that warm happy feeling Lily had mentioned.  Lily was the constant thorn in his side though.  She really was putting a damper in things.  James wasn't going to let that bother him, though.

He was not above pursuing her.  She had followed him like a thundercloud for a month, and he could do the same to her.  Of course, considering that she was in Hogwarts and he wasn't was a small and minor problem, but he would not be deterred.  His happiness was at risk, and he seriously felt Lily was the best possible person for him.  She had opened a thousand doors in his life for him, and she was the only person who had ever done something anywhere that nice for him.  That was special.

James knew that she did still care   He knew it like he knew how to tie his shoes.  She didn't really want to break up with him, he was certain of it.  She had been confused and that had seemed like the proper thing to do at the time.  Once she got out of Hogwarts, he would do whatever necessary to make her see that he was the best decision she could make.  

The only thing that worried him was her apparent change.  When he had seen her in Florean's, she had been thinner and she looked unhappy.  Sirius and Peter had both said the same thing, and Remus had agreed when he saw her months before.  She hadn't bought Christmas cards this year.  It was only mildly ironic that their roles had been entirely reversed.

*~*~*

_Hogwarts_…

Lily was abruptly sucked out of her spiral of despair on Boxing Day by the headmaster of Hogwarts.  Perhaps he did it unwittingly, or perhaps he saw the desolation on the head girl's face as she skulked through the corridors, but either way, he gave Lily her ticket out of hopelessness.  

"Miss Evans, do you have a moment?" he asked as they met in the charms corridor.  "Would you come to my office, please?"

She followed him and took the seat he offered, waiting expectantly for bad news.  No doubt some student had died or there would be a new rule put in effect.

"I know you have shown interest in becoming a Hit Witch for the Ministry, and as usual, there is a career field day on December 30 and 31.  If you would be interested in attending, I will arrange to have the Hogwarts Express running to London and the Knight Bus will catch you there." Dumbledore slid a thick, yellow envelope across his desk to her and gave a slight smile, "Just fill this out and give it to me by tomorrow.  I believe it will be a good opportunity for you.  Have you considered whether you wish to be a field agent or on permanent desk duty?"

Lily thought about it for a moment before answering, "Well, Professor, I had thought about field duty, but I don't know if I'm up to it.  It might be a little too…rigorous for me."

"The decision is entirely up to you, of course, but between you and I, you would flourish in that sort of environment.  That is all, Miss Evans."

"Uh, er, thank you."  As always, Lily left his office in a rather dim state of confusion and not entirely sure what had happened. But apparently, she had an application to fill out.

It was kind of exciting; she would be going to the Ministry of Magic.

*~*~*

*~*~*

A/N:  Another chapter, isn't this impressive?  I think so.  Anyway, is everyone excited about Christmas?  I can't wait!  I have decided that we are into what I am calling the extended holiday season; it's from Halloween to Epiphany.  And the Russian Ballet is coming to a town near me, so I get to see the Nutcracker!  So I'm just generally thrilled.


	21. Chances of Life

Doing things in the uniquely Lily way, she refused to think about what exactly was going on. It would be better just to plunge in so she had to complete it, rather than over-analyze the situation and end up backing out. As a result, that stomach-knotting case of paralyzing nerves waited to catch up to her until she was standing in line at The Ministry of Magic, stalled behind a bunch of Russians that couldn't speak a drop of English other than 'yes', 'no', and 'where's the washroom'. At least she assumed they were from Russia.

"Fun, isn't it?"

Lily whipped around quickly at the voice behind her, and it happened to belong to an impatient Sirius Black.

"Lines are bad most everyday. Hingham has got this brilliant plan to minimize the budget, so he minimized the weighing guards. I don't have to be in training 'til nine, but I get here forty-five minutes early. Just think of all the beauty sleep I could be getting."

"And I'm sure the influx of nearly seven hundred of us from magical schools around the world isn't helping a whole lot. If you're going to be late, you can get in front of me."

"I'll just complain about the damn snot-nosed brats stalling the lines. I won't complain about missing the morning battery. I'm not often late or absent, so the instructor won't give me much of a hassle."

"A woman, is it?" Lily asked with raised brows, and Sirius gave a loud bark of laughter that had the Russians turning around.

"You surprise me, Lily dear. What have you been doing lately?"

"I won't say another word if you're still mad and plan on being snappish toward me."

"James is quite over his little bout of the sulks, so that means you are back in my good book. Now tell me, how many hearts have you broken over the course of the term?"

Lily was more than a little wary at Sirius's odd mood, even more wary about her own reaction to the fact James was no longer upset over her. "To my knowledge, there has been no cast-off hearts. I know your answer won't be the same, so tell me who your newest victim has been."

"I fancy myself in love with my instructor." Lily groaned out loud; she couldn't help it. "I'm surrounded by cynics no matter where I go. But the love of my life insists on kicking my arse into next month every time I bring up my undying adoration."

"Sirius! If I was your instructor, I would be sore-pressed not to do the same. What is it that you're training for? If it is the traveling circus, one of your good friends owes me a Galleon."

"Are you blind as well as unaware?" Sirius proudly pointed to his burgundy robes signifying he was no longer the Plebe Auror.

"You're level two already? That's marvelous! What have you been doing to that instructor?"

"She's a tough nut to crack."

Lily's mind suddenly latched onto a key fact. "Hey! How can you be taught by a girl? Women aren't allowed to be Aurors."

"No, but they are allowed to be a Hit-Witch, and she is one of the best."

"_MISS!_" The security attendant was calling to her with a great sense of annoyance.

"Sorry, my turn. Sure you don't want to go in front of me?"

"If I'm late, maybe I'll get a little one on one with la mademoiselle."

"Sure…she'll murder you," Lily said with a quick laugh. As her wand was weighed and measured and a nametag created for her, she glanced back one last time at Sirius. "I'll see you around."

He grinned back, the loveable Sirius smile flashing to his face. It was just luck that she heard him mutter quietly, "You have no idea what's going to happen, Lily."

Lily was taken aback. She had no idea how to interpret that. How _did_ someone interpret that? She wondered briefly if it had to do with his job department, then just as quickly dismissed the idea. James was the logical answer, but what exactly she had no idea. The situation became even more piquing when she saw Sirius spring past her and take a lift going up instead of down toward the defense department floor.

Things could never be simple, could they?

* * *

"Hey! James! Wait up!" Sirius yelled, shimmying through the crowd to catch up with his friend who was chatting with that crazy French guy again.

"You're going to be late again, Sirius," James said with a laugh when he turned around, but there was no overlooking the tension on his face.

"You're right, she's here. I didn't ask what for or where at. That would be too obvious, but anyway, she is here. She seems like she's in a fairly good mood."

"How did you find her? Please tell me you didn't use the intercom."

"Of course I didn't. What do you take me for, an idiot? She was in the security line in front of me. I have a schedule of the enforcement meetings. I lied to-."

"Your instructor, Brenna Sullivan, I know it as well as I know my name. You have developed an unhealthy obsession with her, but we'll move on for the moment." James snatched the paper from Sirius and compared her schedule with his. If luck was with him, he should get in the cafeteria about the time she was sitting down. If necessary, he would use black mail to be sure there was one spare seat next to her. "This looks excellent. Thank you."

"Anything for my buddy. Anything else?"

"Stop ogling your _mauvereen_ and do something productive. I don't know why you didn't sign up for one of those workshops so you could start working on her."

"I am not in charge of getting Lily for you. Toss on the Potter charm."

* * *

Lily sighed as she sat down on one of the blue plastic cafeteria chairs, sighing deeply. "That had to be the longest speech ever. I felt my blood clotting."

"You didn't love that?" a girl asked from across the table.

"I find the use of flobberworms fascinating in general."

"I never knew you were a wildlife lover," James said as he slid next to her, and had the pleasure of seeing her face lose all expression for a split-second. To unsettle her eveyn more, he plastered a wide grin to his face.

"Have you been drinking?"

"That's a fine way to greet me. I'm assuming you're here for the Auror workshops, or more accurately, the Hit Witch workshops. Is it going well?"

"Wonderfully. Why are you here?"

"Oh, my class got saddled with being door-monitors and coffee go-getters. I prefer telling people off for coming in late to going to the cafeteria and smelling some of that crap they call food."

"There's the James I know."

"So…how are you doing with your parents and Petunia?"

"Christmas was hard, but that was to be expected. Amos was right, though, it seems to be getting further away." Lily hoped to see some sort of recognition fall across his face, but she was denied of that particular satisfaction. "Petunia seems rather distant, though. I guess that is to be expected, we're two very different people. I have a hard time understanding her, but she understands my life even less. I did have ten years without knowing of magic, but she has never experienced a life like ours."

James was mesmerized by the look on her face that suddenly seemed to come alive and sparkle with something he had known only through her.

"Isn't it amazing, though? I'm sure it's different for me because I easily remember not knowing of magic, but doesn't it seem nearly impossible? There is an insane amount of people who have no idea about us or how we live. They are caught up in a little world that is protected from our ideas and ways. It's almost unfathomable that there could be two worlds that come so close to touching but still remain parallel."

"Unfathomable?" James asked with a smirk.

"I doubted you would understand."

"I regularly marvel at how Muggles can get anything done without magic. In a way, I do understand, but there's still a part of me that can't believe there is a world without magic. It's all I have ever known. I was raised by a House Elf and a nanny. Sometimes I think things would be simpler, though, in a way. Don't you sometime wish you didn't have magic?"

"Never. Well, I have briefly, but never forever. In the middle of a situation, sometimes I think I would be better off without magic, but when I think back, I realize it wasn't magic that caused that mess, it was something else of my own making. You know what they say, hindsight is 20/20."

"I'll ask you the same question in a decade, and I'll be the answer will have changed."

"But it won't, James."

"No one knows better than you. Have you made any plans after leaving Hogwarts yet?"

"There's an enforcement league in Italy. The standards are a bit higher, but I could just work harder. It would nice to be with family again. There are bases in Venice where my great-grandmum lives. I haven't seen her since I was a little girl, and I can't imagine she has many years left."

"Have you been to Italy to see her, then?"

"I've never been to Italy, but I want desperately to go. When I was about four, we had some problems with Petunia's real mum, and she came all the way here to be with us. I just barely remember her, but there are things that just wove their way into my mind. I still remember how she smelled, like she had cinnamon biscotti tucked into her pockets."

"You love her even though you barely remember her. That seems remarkable to me."

"She's my great-grandmother, of course I love her. I just happen to remember smells is all. Sirius smells like candy, any sort of it. Remus smells like the forest…trees and grass and fresh air. You smell like vanilla, always."

"That's interesting."

"I remember the kids that smelled bad from primary school, but not the nice-smelling ones. I remember one girl who smelled like a barnyard very clearly. Eww."

James laughed at her cringe. "So you'll be leaving England. I wouldn't have thought that."

"If my parents hadn't died, I probably wouldn't have. There's really no reason for me to stay now, though."

"What about Amos?" James asked, a deliberate smile on his face.

Lily also smiled, although she was not amused. "Somehow, I don't see Amos and me in a lasting relationship. One of the two of us will see someone who catches our eye, and that'll be the end of us. That may seem cruel, but I am being realistic."

"You know what you have taught me?"

"Walk backwards?"

"No. No matter how crappy life seems, it really is rather nice."

"Why is that?"

"You get second chances at very nearly everything. For the good stuff, you get multiple shots. I'll see you around, Lily." James stood up, and his plate almost immediately disappeared. Magic was abound.


	22. Going Home Again

_February 1974_

"Why won't you tell me what's going on?" Millie asked, following Lily into the dormitory, barely missing the slamming door.

"Because I don't want to talk about it! Believe it or not, I have a part of me that likes to be by itself."

"I just can't figure you out. I leave for holiday and you're still depressed about your parents and drudging around like a dark cloud. Three weeks later you are like…something from outer space!"

"My, you're a witty one," Lily said sharply, stooping to dig something from her trunk.

"This is about that blasted note you got last week! Don't pretend it wasn't from James. I know it is, don't bother denying it, Lily Adelle!"

"Then I won't."

"You're different. I would have said a month ago you were never going to get past your parents' death."

"A month ago I didn't know what I was going to do for the next hundred years. I found something I would like to do, and that makes a lot of difference. I have a purpose now."

"Oh really? Just tell me this, are you off your Potter binge?"

"I've decided and I can't let the death of my mum and dad control the rest of my life, if that answers your question."

"Quite adequately," Millie answered grimly.

* * *

Lily could recite the note by memory. It confused her beyond belief, but she still came. The note did not need to be removed from her pocket to recite it; she had unintentionally memorized it through rereading it. A week after school had reconvened she had received an owl from James. More than one set of eyebrows raised when his black owl landed with a thud in front of her.

Not wanting to explain everything then, Lily had quickly scribbled her reply on a spare bit of parchment and sent it on. She had carefully studied the note later, but no hidden meaning could be found. There was only so much that could be read between the lines of _Meet me at Caprice's at noon next Hogsmeade weekend. James._ In fact, the only thing Lily could discern was that they were going to presumably eat lunch. Caprice's was a small diner that had a huge variety of food. It would have been popular if the owner and cook, Caprice, was not notoriously temperamental and quite good at living up to her name. People she disliked regularly received burned food an hour after an order was placed while those she favored could be served a delicious meal in ten minutes.

Lily couldn't imagine Caprice liking James, but no matter, she had excused herself from her friends and made her way over to the restaurant. She was surprised to see him already waiting for her at booth near a window. She was even more surprised to see him reading a book and drinking a glass of water. "Hello."

She had expected him to jump, but instead he smiled and marked his spot in the book. "Hey, Lily. I'm glad you came."

"The reason you wanted me to is the great mystery," Lily said as she slid into the seat across from him. Somehow it was hard to be dignified as you snaked across the vinyl of a booth.

"I…I just wanted to see you again. I had forgotten how much I actually liked you," he said ruefully. "I was reminded when I talked to you at the Ministry."

Lily couldn't help but laugh; he seemed surprised to like somebody. "I guess I like you too. You just wanted to come here and talk?"

"Yes. If you want to do something else, we can."

She leaned back against the blue booth back and crossed her arms. "Why don't you tell me what's really going on in that odd mind of yours?"

James rubbed his eyes and took off his reading glasses. "You didn't seem as mad or as angry when I saw you the beginning of the year. You have lost a lot of that unbearably hurt look, and I thought we could have a second chance."

"I see." Lily fought to keep her face neutral. "Well, that's interesting…daring too."

"Sometimes we need a little nudge. All I ask is that you consider it. In the mean time, let's just have a good time. Are you ready to order?"

* * *

Lily felt as if she was really talking to someone for the first time in months. She had forgotten how invigorating it was to talk with James and his blunt honesty and odd views. She had missed the way he raised the eyebrows when he found something amusing or the way they drew together as he concentrated. Lily helplessly began remembering all the things she had adored about him. As they walked down a quiet backstreet, it was easy to fall into their old relationship. His frame blocking her from the heavy wind reminded her of the late autumn at Hogwarts and flipping through books in an old shop was reminiscent of Madam Pince's library. It was not quite as easy to forget the rainy August day when she lost her whole world, but it did not seem quite so recent.

It started raining when they were in an art shop, trying to decide between two different paintings for James's mother.

"My vote's still for the dancers. That other was is…blegh," Lily said, tilting her head to one side.

"Blegh matches my house."

"So have a bright point as an anchor. Just go with this one and be done with it."

"You think so?"

"Definitely."

Lily held up an umbrella purchased at a newspaper vendor while James carried the painting. For the first time she noticed how charming walking under an umbrella in the rain was; it was like being the only two people in a little world. "I was thinking…maybe we should re-instate our couplish status."

James laughed, stopping to kiss her. "That is a brilliant idea."

Very possibly, kissing under an umbrella in the rain was more charming.

* * *

In contrast, the remarkably long trip to Hogwarts was far from charming.

Millie and Amos stared at Lily and the accusation was sharp and vivid on both faces, making her feel worse with each turn of the carriage wheel. "Could you two stop that?" she murmured.

"Stop what? Wondering when our friend completely sold out? Completely changed?"

"I believe I have the right to a personal life."

"So tell me, what am I?" Amos asked, a deceptively mild note tinting his voice.

Lily put her hands over her face, knowing that this would be the hardest part. "To be perfectly honest, I had no idea what he would want when I met him today. Therefore, I couldn't, well, break up with you beforehand. Come on, Amos, I'm not the sort to juggle multiple boyfriends. I'm not that good at lying. You don't understand how I feel about him; half the time _I_ don't understand. Amos, you're a wonderful friend, but I think that's all we should have ever been. You were there for me when I needed somebody to love me, and I think that gave me the impression we would be a good couple. I was wrong and I hate it. I just don't want anybody to hate me. I am just trying to make the decision that is right for me."

Amos crossed his arms and said, "I'm sure you did."

Millie, on the other hand, remained silent until they reached their dorms. It was then that hell and all its demons seemed to suddenly erupt. "Just tell me what you're doing. I can't figure you out."

"I'm trying to have a normal life again. It's not a difficult concept, Millie!"

"Why are you suddenly back with James?"

"Because I want to be! Is that okay? I know you don't want me to be happy, but I can't live for anybody besides me. I want to have a life again. And I know that this is sudden, but I can't explain it."

"Compulsive shoppers can't explain the urge for new robes. Alcoholics can't explain how they got to the bottom of the bottom. Just try telling me what went through your head."

"Honestly, nothing went through my head. I didn't think; I felt. What I felt was that when I was sitting there with him, I was happy. I felt alive and I felt like I had a chance with the world. I felt like the Lily before her parents died. I felt like me again."

"Oh, Lily. You just don't get it."

By this point Lily was angry enough she wasn't entirely in control of anything she was saying. "Why not? You tell me I'm being childish or stupid, but I can't point out that your life looks a whole lot better when I'm miserable. If you want to be mad at me, be mad at me. I don't care and I don't need you."

Millie stared at her with shock on her face and anger glinting maliciously in her eyes.

"It's true. If I can live without my parents or Petunia, I most certainly do not need you."

"I don't understand you anymore."

"I don't think you ever did."

"Lily-."

"Don't even say anything, Millie. Stay up here and mope if you want. It really doesn't matter; I have homework I want to do." Lily grabbed her book bag, hoping her things were in it, and slammed out of the room, still shaking with anger.

* * *

It would be a fairly safe call to say that the following week was one of the roughest at Hogwarts. Lily's friendships had been put on hold after her infamous trip to Hogsmeade that had Gryffindor tongues wagging. She could only imagine her personal life was like a car accident to her fellow students: they didn't want to look but couldn't help it. Of course, the fact that Lily had actually emerged from her grieving state only to make her friends mad did invoke curiosity.

Naturally, there was the large supply of homework the professors doled out, followed by the NEWTs preparation. All seventh years also had to meet with their head of house for one of their final career counseling sessions. Lily really thought it was a bit of a joke; Mundungus Fletcher was pretty much incapable of doing anything correctly, and unfortunately, he was the Gryffindor head of house. He was also one of those professors who had been through one too many dungbomb explosions and pixie escapes. Every little drama at the school seemed to send him over the edge, causing him to stutter and turn rather red. The general consensus among students was that he would soon be an alcoholic.

Fletcher's version of career counseling was reviewing the student's test scores, asking them how they felt about blood. Depending on the answer, he would give the unfortunate Gryffindor one large box of pamphlets or the other. Since Lily already had her box of brochures, she was in the 'chat' portion of the career counseling. After falling over a cauldron, Lily was able to sit at his desk. He gave her two more booklets, asked if she had made any final decisions, and then dismissed her.

Thankfully, James was there. Actually, he was at medical school, but his owl was at her plate every other morning. The short note was a brief glimpse of a world outside of Hogwarts, and her only look at sanity and friendship. It was something to keep her going and it was a great way to get Millie's anger at its maximum level for the day.

All in all, life was returning to normal. As normal as it got for Lily.


	23. Finding a New Life

Lily ran blindly down through the hallway and took a sharp turn. Still moving, she ripped off her shoes for a quieter escape and began running full speed again. Her throat burned and her sides ached and her stomach roiled, but she kept running.

Finally, she reached the seventh floor and ran by the room of requirement three times. The door was just disappearing as Peeves rounded the corner with Apollyon Pringle few steps behind. Both of them wanted desperately to catch the student out past curfew.

Lily definitely did not want to be caught.

She slid down the wall and fought to catch her breath. Eventually, she had to lie down because passing out became a very real possibility. Then, she started laugh. The very thought of Lily Evans, Head Girl, running from Peeves the Poltergeist and the custodian was laughable.

Of course, it was rather pathetic her first attempt at sneaking from school turned out in almost being caught, but the night was still salvageable. She waited until her breathing evened out again and cautiously opened the door. Seeing no one, Lily walked carefully back into the corridor and began her trek back to the mirror on the fourth floor. She had been nearly there when Peeves spotted her the first time, but it had taken her forever to shake the poltergeist and Pringle.

The long, damp tunnel led her underneath the lake and to a hollow tree trunk near the Hogsmeade railroad station. A short walk led her into town, and despite the late hour, the streets of Hogsmeade were far from empty. Many of the middle-aged crowd were far too sensible to be out after dark, especially after the recent crime spree, but the younger generation was bent on having a good time. It didn't take long for Lily to spot him. James was staring pensively at a shop window and didn't notice her. She quickly crossed the street and snuck up behind him, placing her hands on his sides. "What's got you all caught up?"

James immediately turned around and grinned. "Hey. I thought you might not come, and I thought about canceling. I couldn't be sure of reaching you soon enough, though, and I didn't want you here alone. Besides, it's been ages since I saw you last."

Lily couldn't help but laugh; he had that effect on her. "Pringle almost busted me. I think I ran though Hogwarts in its entirety, and I very nearly passed out from the exertion. What was the big deal about not coming?"

"Another family was mysteriously killed last night. Most people with sense are choosing to stay in."

"It they are killed in their homes, that obviously isn't a wise choice."

"Being in the streets after dark is never a wise choice. All the same, you're here; let's have a good time."

"I need a good time; Hogwarts has been a veritable wet blanket since the last Hogsmeade weekend. I believe most people are either mad or disappointed in me for one reason or another. It's a bit disheartening." Lily shrugged and leaned closer to him when he wrapped an arm around her waist.

"Why, what happened?"

"A little of everything. It isn't a big deal. Can we talk about something else?"

"Nope. Tell me what's wrong. We better hash it out to begin with so we can have a good time for the rest of the night. This way." James tugged her down a side road off of High Street and opened a door to a building with a bright, flashing sign with the name 'Joe's' proudly emblazoned. "The Bats are here tonight, and I thought you might like to hear them. They're really very good."

Loud, thumping music immediately assaulted her ears. "You wanted to talk," Lily shouted, "in _here_?"

"It'll quiet down when The Bats get out there." The two of them sat down at a table where drinks and an appetizer appeared. James was right; a group of two men and three women walked onto the stage a few minutes later, and the volume level immediately dropped. "Now what happened at Hogwarts."

Lily told him the edited story of her fight with her friends, and ended with: "So I was exaggerating just a bit. The entire school isn't mad at me, just the important people."

James stirred his drink around for a little bit before he said, "Millie will always be a downer as long as you're on good terms with me. She isn't the I Only Want You To Be Happy sort of friend like Sirius and Remus and Peter. She just wants you to be a smidgen less happy than she is and on her terms. As for Amos, he is just upset you broke up with him. I predict the two of you will soon reconcile."

"You aren't any good at Divination."

"You aren't any good at not being liked."

"You are so weird, but I like you all the same. We've established that I am universally hated, so tell me what you've been doing."

"I have been extensively studying medicine and healing in hopes I can talk you into playing Healer."

Lily paused with her drink halfway to her mouth, and then started cackling and the unexpectedness of his response. His bright grin and accompanying laugh was so out of character that she was truly shocked. "What is going on? A cheering charm gone wrong?"

"I am in an unusually good mood. Do you want to dance? When I step on your feet, you can step on mine."

Lily shrugged when she saw the nearly vacant dance floor. "Why not," she answered, "as long as you keep me from running into someone else."

They danced for well over an hour, until both of them had wobbling legs. Finally, after an insanely fast song that had both of them gasping for air, James said, "I suppose you need to be getting back to the castle. Things most likely will not go well if one of your dorm mates awakens in the night only to find you missing."

Lily groaned from sheer regret, "If I didn't need to take my NEWTs, I think I'd hide here forever."

"That is always an option, I suppose." James helped her into her coat and walked close to her as they walked down the street. "Have you resigned yourself to being sexually discriminated against and decided to become a Hit Witch."

"Definitely not. The system here in Britain is entirely reprehensible and I will not be part of it. In Italy, however, I could be on equal footing with males in my same position. Since I have family in Venice, I am going there once I graduate." Lily glanced over to see what James thought of this, but she only saw an inscrutable expression that could have hid any number of reactions.

"Let's see, graduation is the last week of June, right?"

"Yes."

"So that gives me a little under four months to change your mind."

Lily didn't have a chance to delve deeper into that particular statement because James suddenly pulled her hood over her hair and leaned down next to her ear to whisper, "Dumbledore is behind us. There's a pub up ahead; don't look around, just walk in and sit down with your back to the door. I'll find you."

Lily kept walking briskly down the pavement, but James abruptly swung around to come face to face with Albus Dumbledore and a group of other witches and wizards. "Hello, Professor!"

"Why, hello, Mr. Potter. What brings you out this time of night?" Dumbledore asked innocently, but of course, the headmaster was rarely fooled.

"I'm just meeting a few friends," James said carefully. "It was nice seeing you again."

"And it was nice seeing you also," Dumbledore said gravely, but there was a twinkle in his eye.

James knew that Dumbledore knew, and Dumbledore knew James knew that he knew.

James quickly left Dumbledore and found Lily quietly sitting at a table. When he touched her shoulder, she jumped and immediately said, "Am I caught?"

"I think he knows you're with me, but I don't think he will say anything. I don't want to abuse his tolerance, however, so let's get down to the passage entrance."

To Lily, the lightheartedness the evening had brought her was dampened by the reminder that she shouldn't really be with James. He apparently felt it too, because he said reassuringly, "You aren't the first person to sneak out of Hogwarts, and I can't imagine you'll be the last. Every student who knows how can't resist the temptation; Sirius and I would leave every Saturday and most Wednesday nights. Remus and Peter came along the majority of the time, and we were seldom the only Hogwarts students in town. Why do you suppose there is a town so close to school? For the students to sneak out, that's why. Even Dumbledore sneaks out."

She couldn't help but laugh at the thought of Dumbledore sneaking out of the castle like a criminal. "What do you think he was doing?"

"No doubt dark and illicit things."

Lily giggled again and felt like an idiot for doing it, but she felt suddenly deflated as they reached the tunnel entrance. "I had a really nice time tonight, James."

He abruptly stopped and tugged her to face him. "Did you really have a good time?" he asked, resting his forehead against hers.

"This has been the best night I've had since my parents died. Thank you."

"It was my pleasure."

They spent several minutes lingering outside the hollow tree kissing and murmuring to one another.

"I suppose I should be getting back to the castle. Goodnight, James," she whispered, and ran her hand down his jaw.

"Goodnight. Think of me?"

"How could I not?" When she smiled back at him one last time, it was a smile filled with regret about their separation and joy of their relationship. Lily slipped into the tree and went down the stairs into the little stone room that adjoined the entrance with the actual tunnel. When she opened the wooden door, instead of a long, dark passage, she found a wall of boulders and stones. "What in the world?" she muttered, experimentally picking at the rocks to move them. She tried moving the first layer to find even more rocks before realization finally hit her. The tunnel had caved in. "Good grief. I sneak out one time and the whole world nearly falls apart. Urgh!"

Lily stepped out with irritation, and she was truly surprised to see James still staring at the tree despite the amount of time that had elapsed.

"Forget something," James asked with a trace of sarcasm that Lily answered with an expressive look.

"The tunnel caved in."

"You're kidding! Let me see." Being a man, James just couldn't believe Lily knew what she was talking about, so he had to step into the entrance to examine things for himself. He announced, "It has caved in."

"I would have never guessed that."

"You can't get back into Hogwarts at this time of night through any of the other tunnels. They are all in businesses that are closed by now. The only way is through the front door."

"Come on, James, surely you know of others."

"The one behind the one-eyed witch, the one you used, behind the mirror, behind Gregory the Smarmy, there's the one under the tower, one out of the dungeons, and one only Sirius used. I don't know where that one went. Probably no place decent." James refrained from mentioning the passage under the Whomping Willow because he knew he could not possibly take her there without implicating his friends as well as himself. Lily was entirely too aware of everybody not to allow the final pieces of the Remus the Werewolf puzzle fall into place. The Shrieking Shack bore all the marks of a werewolf and even had a few of the Marauders' belongings.

The only emotion Lily could describe at the moment was sheer, blind panic. "I will be in so much trouble. Oh my Lord."

"No you won't. We'll just find Sirius, ask him about his passage, and we'll go for there. But if you would be more comfortable, you can stay at the pub and I'll go find him."

"I suppose that since I'm already off school grounds, things can't get much worse, can they?"

"I suppose off school grounds if off of school grounds no matter if you're in Hogsmeade or London.," James agreed. "If you don't want to, though, I understand."

"I think I'll be much safer with you than alone in a pub. I never thought I'd say this, but let's go find Sirius."

They went back to pub to Floo to Sirius's flat, and luck was with them, because Sirius was there. He looked up from a book and gaped at James and Lily. "What in the blazes is she doing here?"

James answered, "I asked her to meet me tonight, and she used the passage behind the mirror. Whenever Lily was ready to go back, we discovered the tunnel had caved in. All the other passages are in businesses."

"So sneak in."

"Sneaking isn't easy with two people and impossible with Lily. It would be terrible if she was caught; I don't want to risk it."

"Understandable. What about the Who-."

James frantically shook his head and mouthed _No_ behind Lily's head.

"Uhh, so, what do you want me to do?"

"You mentioned another passage a few times, but you didn't tell any of us. What about it?"

Sirius snorted, "I was lying, you idiot. I was meeting Lucinda Beck and I didn't want to catch hell, so I said I was using a secret passage. You didn't know where I was at, so you couldn't meet me, and I had the map so I couldn't be traced."

"Well…crap. Have any suggestions now?"

Sirius grinned cheerfully, "Have her spend the night at your place, give her the map, and take her back early in the morning. Honeyduke's opens at eight. If she hurries, she can make is straight to class."

"Wearing what, exactly, Sirius?" James asked testily. Lily hadn't worn her uniform to meet him. "Don't you suppose that one of the professors just might catch on?"

"Good question. I'll see if I can't locate one she could borrow, minus the tie."

James really had to applaud Lily for her control, because the expression on her face could only be described as appalled. While Sirius was thumbing through his address book, she turned to James and whispered, "Do I even want to know where he is getting a uniform?"

"Probably from a girlfriend or former girlfriend. He is rather popular."

"I can't wear somebody else's uniform."

"Unfortunately, unless you want to be busted, it looks like you're going to have to. Sirius doesn't date, well, unclean girls, if you will."

"What a relief." Lily wandered over to the couch and flopped onto it, and peered off into space as if in thought. "How can this be happening to me? I am a good girl; I don't sneak out. I do it once, though, and my route caves in! Explain that to me!"

"I think it falls along the lines of 'no good deed goes unpunished'."

"Well, isn't that just brilliant." Suddenly, her freckles went on a dance as she wrinkled her nose. "You know, this is sort of comical."

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself," James said mildly. "Sirius, can you just reach us at my house about the uniform?"

"Sure, sure. Good luck with Mr. and Mrs.," Sirius said absently. When Lily turned away, he winked at James who shook his head in return.

"I think it would be better if I just stayed at the Three Broomsticks instead."

"There is absolutely no chance you could get out of there without being spotted by somebody who would snitch. Most likely, you can stay at my house without my parents even knowing you're there."

"How lucky."

* * *

"Home sweet home," James said, dusting the soot from his pants. He watched Lily look around before turning on him. "This way. My parents are in the central portion of the house. I stay in the north wing, and there are guest rooms there too. If it is acceptable to you, you'll be in one of those rooms. Hopefully, you won't have to be exposed to my parents, not because I don't want you to meet them, but because well, I can't imagine you enjoying the experience."

Lily glanced at him briefly before continuing her study of the house, or at least what she saw of it. Her impression of the Potter home was that of a medieval manor. The impression was supported by nineteen suits of armor that lined a corridor. The ceilings were high with Gothic molding and the walls were covered in tapestries. She only saw a few tables, mirrors, and benches in the hallways, but those were all old and intricately carved. She had a nasty suspicion that heeled shoes would echo on the stone floor. All in all, it was rather apparent why James was so gloomy at times. "How old is this place, James?"

"We're still in the main part, and it was built in 1482. The newer additions were built in 1803 and 1927."

The new and old additions were connected by small marble rooms that had recessed areas filled with ancient sculptures and artifacts, but the walls were decorated with contemporary paintings and art prints. Past there, the newer part of the house was beautifully new.

"This is the north wing; it was the one built in 1927."

Instead of the old, gloomy castle appearance the central portion of the house held, this part resonated with light, and it looked to be recently redone. When she asked him about it, James answered, "I've been working on it. Rather, I found a decorator since I live in this part."

The floors were made from a light-colored wood and covered in long runners. The walls were papered in a sage and cream striped pattern and held many gold-framed paintings. There were even small trees and ferns in alcoves. The most striking feature, though, were the doors that lined both sides of the hallways. All of them were in varying shades of green. "Isn't is hard to tell the rooms apart?"

"Most of the doors lead to bedroom suites. All of them have a black and white print over the doorway, and the public rooms have scenes that depict things that are generally done in the room. The game room has _Dogs Playing Poker_."

"My dad had a print of that; he kept it in his office."

"That's where I got the idea. Look, here's your room. If you don't like it, you can have a different room, but I'm assuming it's more to your tastes than the others. My room is down the hall and on your right; it has a picture of a field. If you need anything, feel free to get me or use the bell pull for a house-elf. Sirius will have one of the elves bring the uniform during the night, so don't be alarmed if you spot a huge set of eyes in the darkness. One of them will wake you at six so we have plenty of time to get breakfast and get to Hogsmeade." James swiftly leaned down to kiss her cheek, and he was walking down the hallway before she even had the chance to turn to face him. "Goodnight, Lily!"

"Goodnight," she answered, wondering at the amused tone in his voice. Lily watched him walk down the corridor and out of sight without looking back. Distantly, she heard a door shut, and snapped back to reality. She opened the door and stepped into her room and sighed at the sight of it. 'Pretty' was really the only word that could be used to describe it. The wallpaper was a light yellow and cream stripe and the furniture was all white wicker. Watercolors hung happily on the wall and the buttery carpet made her want to take off her shoes and dig her feet in. Inspection informed her that a large closet was behind a wicker changing screen and a splendid washroom was behind a door that blended perfectly with the wallpaper.

Lily giggled at joy at the sheer cuteness of the room and the absolute absurdity that it belonged in a house that James Potter lived in. The thought of James even looking inside a room this adorable made her break out in a fresh round of laughter.

Her earlier fatigue had been worn away by the lovely room, so she decided to bathe then rather than in the morning. By the time she emerged from the bubbly tub, the clock read three a.m., surprising her greatly. Rationally, she knew it had to be late, but she was having such a wonderful time she had forgotten. She found a terry robe and toothbrush hidden away in the cabinet, and she took her chances with both before curling up in the bed under a draped window. Finding out the name of the decorator was the last thought that crossed her mind before she fell asleep.

When she was awakened by a house-elf three hours later, Lily knew she had to find out who the decorator was. The fact that the room was so charming took away most of the bite of an early morning and some of the pain the makeshift uniform caused her. The skirt fit her decently, but was just a bit short, obviously belonging to a slighter girl. The shirt was terribly large, but a house-elf brought some pins for her. Luckily, the tie and robes were Gryffindor.

She was examining one of the watercolors when James knocked on her door. When she stepped out of the room, she could tell he noticed the knot the pins made at the back of her shirt under her robes, but he merely raised an eyebrow until she asked, "Whose are these?"

"I didn't ask. A bit busty, is she?"

The serious tone James used brought back her giggles, and soon they were both in fits of laughter. Despite the noise they were making, the two were able to leave the house without seeing another breathing soul. When Lily mentioned this, James gave her a rather pointed look, "Don't you suppose it's a bit early for the two of them to haul themselves out of bed?'

They ate scrambled eggs and cereal at the counter of a small café, and the laughter didn't stop until it was time to leave. When the door closed behind them, Lily felt a nervous ball form in her stomach. She wasn't good at sneaking, and she never had been. In fact, she was rather terrible at it, and James was aware of the fact. That was why he had a book bag with him, and it wasn't filled with books.

Once they reached Hogsmeade, James pulled her behind a large tree and drew his Invisibility Cloak from the bag. Her eyebrows raised, but she said nothing until he explained, "I'm going to go into Honeydukes, and you'll slip in the door behind me. Stand to the side for a minute or two, and Sirius will come in. He'll do something to distract the shopkeeper and I'll make sure he doesn't notice you go into the storeroom. There's a trapdoor, and under it is a tunnel that leads to the one-eyed witch. When you get to the end, look at this and make sure nobody is around." Here, he pulled out a crinkled piece of parchment. "Crawl out, and go to your class. Make sure nobody sees you coming from that direction. When you're in a safe area, tap your wand to the paper and say 'Mischief managed'. I sent Millie a note to have your books with her, so all you have to do is get to class. Got it?"

"Yeah," she sighed, and then inhaled shakily. "I'm going to screw this up."

"No, you're not. If you do, it isn't the end of the world. Just stay calm. You'll do wonderfully. Look, they're opening the shop."

Lily glanced over at the store and began looking severely panicked.

"Lily? Focus." When he had her attention again, James said, "I had a great time with you. Will you owl me when you get a chance? Tell me how it went."

"Okay. I will." Suddenly, Lily smiled. "I had a really good time, too. Let's go."

James wrapped the cloak around her and squeezed her hand reassuringly. Without glancing at her again, he stalked across the street and flung open the door of Honeydukes. He didn't hear any yelps or other exclamations of pain, so he assumed Lily was safely inside.

"Good morning," the clerk greeted.

"Hello," James answered, and then mentally yelled when he saw there were two clerks in the store today instead of just one. How wonderful. "Er, I was wondering if one of you could help me select some chocolates for my girlfriend." He moved over to the portion of the wall covered in boxed chocolates and positioned himself so that the shopkeeper would not be facing the back of the store. "I really have no idea what to get," James continued. "You see, I forgot our anniversary and she's going to be sore at me in approximately an hour when she wakes up and realizes I forgot."

The middle-aged wizard who approached him had a wide face and even wider belly, and he immediately said, "Aaahhh. More than a few young wizards come in here with the same problem. Old wizards too, come to think of it. Do you have anything in particular in mind?"

"I want something….unique." James took out his reading glasses and randomly read a box with miniscule print without the clerk noticing. Just to make the man search, he added, "What about something with butterscotch?"

"Well, let's see, I'm not real sure about what we have out here…."

About that time, Sirius, heavily laden with many boxes, entered the store. When the bell above the door tinkled, the other worker glanced up and said good morning. Sirius promptly tripped over his own feet and fell flat on his stomach, sending all his boxes to the floor and upsetting the contents. Huge, chocolate-covered lumps spilled onto the floor, and James recognized them as several previous prank attempts. "Oh! NO!" Sirius yelled, scrambling to pick up chocolates that were crawling away. Many of the items were merely bugs with chocolate or caramel drizzled lightly on top. In the rush, Sirius also managed to empty the remaining boxes and fall down again.

Both of the horrified shopkeepers rushed over to clean up the mess and prevent the contamination of their chocolates. James kept glancing between the pile of boxes and chocolates and the storeroom door. When he saw it open and then quietly closed, he knew she was safe. Soon everything was captured, and the one that had been helping James asked angrily, "What were you doing with these things in here?"

"I was hoping to become a candy provider for your wonderful store. As you can see, I have many fabulous, unique recipes!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Nobody wants to buy this garbage," the other salesmen blustered, and then he turned to James. "Would you want this for your girlfriend?"

"Certainly not, but it would be a great gag gift. You should consider it. So, how about those butterscotch chocolates I was asking about?"

It wasn't long before James had a box of butterscotch chocolates for Lily and a candy contract for Sirius's on-the-spot Marauder Candy Company. Surprisingly, their first order was for five cases of chocolate covered worms.

While James was negotiating a candy contract with Sirius, Lily was running through the underground passage that got her to Hogwarts. She followed James instructions to the letter and managed to get into greenhouse number six two steps in front of the professor. Lily rushed to her seat between Amos and Millie and felt burned by their reproachful stares.

Oh, yes, it was good to be back at the castle.


	24. Filling the Silence

After a few days of heavy, suffocating silence, Lily finally decided she had to get back on solid ground with her friends. If she didn't, she would spend her final months at Hogwarts castle in almost complete misery.

She chose a foggy Saturday morning that was miserably nasty outside, causing the common room to be crowded, loud, and stuffy. Millie and Lily had both chosen to study in their room, so it was simple enough for Lily to confront her friend. She suddenly chose a quiet moment to say, "Millie, I really want to talk to you."

"I don't want to hear an account of your date with Potter," Millie answered coldly, and something in Lily wanted to curl up and die.

"Please don't be like that. Just listen to me. Can you please just try?"

Millie looked up and stared at her for a few moments, and the set on her usually pretty face was distorted with an emotion Lily didn't recognize on her friend. Finally, Millie answered, "I'm sure this will be interesting."

"I'm tired of us fighting. I want to be friends again. We rode the boats across the lake together as first years, and we've been friends ever since I cried when my broom went out of control in first year. It's stupid we're letting a boy ruin that. Maybe if you liked him too, that would be a little more based, but you just don't like him. I understand and respect that, but I don't feel the same way. I have a wonderful time with him. I feel good when I'm with him, I can't even describe it. He makes me feel like I am the best at everything. Besides, he has changed so much. James is kinder and happier than I've ever seen him."

Millie watched the expression on Lily's face, and she too felt something in her want to curl up and die. "He's different with you. I can't see it, because with me, it isn't there. What I see is someone who is two different people. Who's to say he won't suddenly change with you one day? You're playing with fire, Lily Evans, and he will burn you."

"I accept that you think that, but can't we just ignore it and be friends again. I hate having you mad at me; I feel like you resent me."

Millie rolled her eyes and laughed a cool laugh, "Lily, how can you be so singularly unaware and naïve?"

"Sometimes life is easier if you don't look for the worst part of it."

"You realize how lucky you are. You have a life that so many people only dream of. I know you miss your parents, but a lot of people are missing so much more. You are the smartest witch in our year; your mind just wraps around this stuff and never let's go, and so many people like you. You have a tall, dark, and mean boyfriend. Your friend Amos is desperately in love with you, but you just shrugged him off and forget about him. You have everything a teenage girl could dream of. I would love to be you. Through all this, though, you act like a nobly wounded lioness that suffers through the pain, and you do it beautifully."

Through this speech, Lily had put her hands on her face and started breathing in deep breaths. "Is that what you really think of me? Do you think my life is so perfect I have to search to find something wrong? I've got to get out of here." She ran to the door and had it opened before she turned around. "No, wait, I'm staying. We have got to get this sorted out."

She stalked back to stand in front of Millie, and she was embarrassed to hear her voice quiver as she said, "I would trade anything I am or anything I have to have my parents back. I loved them so much. They were what made me who I am. Without them, I can't be the same Lily Evans. I thought giving up James would make me feel better, but it didn't. Nothing can take the pain away when I think of them. All I can do is try to have a life away from them and go on living. Do you not think I still miss them? I miss them so much I feel like I'm torn apart inside. Sometimes I smell something that reminds me of my mother, or I see something that I know my dad would find terribly witty. I know other people have lost parents, but when I lost them, I lost my entire world. I don't know where to go now. I don't belong in either world." As she finished, her voice was cutting in and out as she fought back the crippling sobs that threatened to overtake her. She stood in front of Millie with her head bowed, "Don't scorn me for missing my parents, and don't rebuke me for trying to find my own life."

"I didn't realize you felt that way," Millie answered softly.

"Maybe we can understand each other a little more now."

"Yeah, maybe we can."

Lily felt so tired and defeated she knew she couldn't stand being in Gryffindor Tower. She stopped consciously thinking, and instead grabbed James's Invisibility Cloak, the map he had given her, and a necklace of her mother's with a broken clasp. James had given her the freedom to use both the map and the cloak while she was at Hogwarts in case she wanted to leave, and he had no need for neither at the time. She imagined he meant in case she wanted to see him, but at the moment she had no desire to be around anybody. Lily simply didn't have the strength to be around anybody else.

She left through the Honedukes passage and first went to a clearing outside the Shrieking Shack. There, she sat on a large boulder and wept for what felt like an eternity. That was how Remus Lupin found her. He was leaving the old house with a large bundle of things in his arms, and he stopped when he heard the sound of somebody crying without a body to go along with it. He looked around warily, and started approaching the rock.

Lily quieted, hoping he would leave, but he kept coming. She reluctantly tugged the cloak from around her and said, "It's just me."

"Lily, what in the world is wrong? Is it…is it James?" Remus asked, immediately kneeling before her.

"I just, I just got in an argument with Millie and learned some unflattering things about myself. I just needed to leave; I couldn't bear it anymore, Remus. James lent me these things for me to leave the castle to see him, so I'm betraying his trust slightly, I suppose."

"I think James let you use those things because he knows you're having some problems right now and he just wants you to be happy. Everybody worries when you're upset. Even Peter becomes worried, and you know how dense he can be at times."

Lily half-laughed and half-sobbed.

"Here, why don't you come to the Three Broomsticks and have tea with me and a friend of mine. She's actually my girlfriend; I would like for you to meet her."

Remus sounded so proud Lily couldn't stand to say no. "I will, but I should take my mum's necklace by the jeweler's first. It needs fixed."

"I don't think that would be such a good idea right now. Come with me."

"Oh, alright. You better explain her that I'm not normally such a cry-baby."

"She's heard such wonderful things about you from James and I that I doubt anything could tarnish her picture of you."

"You are such a nerd, Remus. What do you have there?" she asked, indicating the bundle in his arms.

"Just some of my stuff from the Shack. I don't use it anymore, so I thought I should clear it out." Remus partially lied. It also had some of his friends' belongings that James had suggested they clear out before somebody, such as Lily, found it.

Sitting at the Three Broomsticks with a warm butterbeer made her feel about a thousand times better. Remus was talking, but she wasn't really listening to him. After crying a lot, she always felt a little hazy. She was seriously considering going back to the castle for a good nap when the door opened and James, Sirius, and a woman walked in, and all three of them were grinning like jackals.

Then they spotted Lily and Remus and looked supremely shocked.

Remus hastily walked over to the group, made some frantic motions and talked at a fast speed, and then grabbed the girl's hand. He dragged her over to Lily and said, "Lily, this is my girlfriend Aubrey, and Aubrey, this is the famous Lily Evans."

"Hi, Lily, I'm glad to finally meet you. I personally can't wait for you to get out of Hogwarts so I have some female respite from these imbeciles," Aubrey said with a soft smile that made Lily feel instantly calm and peaceful. Aubrey had to be one of the prettiest people ever. She had black-blue hair cut above her shoulders in curls, and her deep blue eyes made her face seem open and innocent.

"Umm, hello." Lily felt stupid tears well up in her eyes again and fought the urge to run from the room.

Luckily, James recognized her problem and came to stand beside her. "Do you want to go outside a minute and talk?"

Lily nodded mutely and very nearly bolted for the door. She was barely outside again before she was wrapped in James's arms and crying into his jumper. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be stupid, Lily. You've had a miserable day."

"How do you know?"

"It doesn't take a genius to figure it out when you start crying and you snuck out of the castle even after the last bad turn. I'm glad I happened to be in town."

"Me too." She wiped her eyes and blew her nose on the tissue he offered her. "I really do apologize for that. I don't normally just cry like that."

"I know, and you don't ever need to apologize for being upset. Believe it or not, I don't hold it against you."

"Thanks. Maybe I should just go back to the castle."

"That sounds like a sterling idea; go back to where you're miserable. You've already spent the time leaving, why don't we try to make it a decent day. I'll buy you some candy if you're good."

"How wonderful of you," she said with a slight grin. "I guess we should go back inside with the others."

"Let's try it; you'll like Aubrey, I think."

So, James and Lily went back inside and sat down with the other three. Soon, Peter came in and joined them, and everybody continued watching James and Lily speculatively until James kicked Sirius under the table, and Sirius kicked Remus who pinched Aubrey who kicked Peter. They all stopped looking.

"So, what was everyone in town for?" Lily asked.

"Uhhh, we were uh," Sirius started.

"We were helping James buy a, um, a what's it?"

"They were helping me buy a present for my mother. Her birthday is coming up, you know," James answered suddenly.

"How wonderful, James. What did you guys decide on?"

"We haven't yet," Remus said.

"He has a shopping bag in his hand. Apparently he _did_ decide."

"This would be some medicine for my bird. You remember Damon, don't you?"

"Yes, of course, but the pet shop has orange bags, not pink."

"Lily, listen carefully," James said. "These are pills for my bird because it has some sort of bug."

"Do you mean bug as in infestation or bug as in virus?"

"Lily!"

"Fine, I get the point. You don't want me to ask."

Once the group got settled down again, they decided to split up. Remus and Aubrey needed to do some shopping. Sirius had a dinner date, and Lily and James only had about an hour before Lily had to get back to the Honeydukes tunnel. The two of them chose just to walk through the residential portion of the village, where Lily probably wouldn't be recognized.

"When's your next Hogsmeade weekend?" James asked.

"Two Saturdays from now. It's the last one before summer."

James thought a moment before saying, "I want to show you something, and The Three Broomsticks will be really crowded. If you agreed, you could just Floo from there because I doubt anyone would notice in the jostle."

"What are you going to show me?"

"It's a surprise. Will you go? I promise it is entirely safe."

"Of course I will. I'll be dying of curiosity from now until then."

"Do try to hang on."

"If I must."

Since their plans were made, James went with her back to Honeydukes and watched her sneak into the back room.

The two weeks were going to seem treacherously long to him, also.

_The Messy Flat of Sirius Black…_

"Got it all planned out?" Sirius asked, munching on an apple and tossing another to James.

"I think so. As well as I can plan this, at least. I think I can predict her reaction, but just when I think I've got her pegged, Lily always throws in a surprise." James caught the apple and wiped in on his sleeve. "I can't believe I'm going to move into a place of my own."

"I can't believe it took you so long. You moaned for years about your parents and you finally get a chance to move out, but you choose to stay. You know what I have to say on that? She has got you twisted so much you'll bend over backwards to indirectly please her."

"I don't want to talk about it," James said sullenly. He thoughtfully crunched on his apple for a few moments before continuing, "Besides, at least I don't hate my parents like you do."

"I don't want to talk about it," Sirius mimicked, and he too looked rather grouchy.

"Fine. Wanna go check out my new house?"

"Have food in it yet?"

"Yep."

"Let's go."

When the Hogsmeade weekend did finally arrive, Lily was buzzing with anticipation and curiosity. Her friends noticed her change in demeanor and commented on it several times. Even Professor Flitwick mentioned it when she kept checking the clock on Friday afternoon. Although nobody could wring her plans out of her, everybody knew James was involved.

On Saturday morning, Lily was the first one up. She was also the person who spent the most time in front of the girls' mirror arranging her hair and clothes. "Do I look okay, Millie?" she finally asked breathlessly.

"You look lovely, darling."

"Thanks. I'm going to go, then. Do you want to walk with me?"

"Me? Walk with you? Do you mean Mr. Marvelous isn't coming to meet you at the dorm window to whisk you away?"

"Ha ha. Let's just go."

They did go, and many people tried their best to keep an eye on Lily once she arrived in Hogsemeade. Millie followed her until Lily finally lost her in a washroom, and several girls invited her to lunch or to go shopping. James was right, though; she was easily lost in the crush of The Three Broomsticks.

She winded her way through the crowd, squeezing between people vying for Rosmerta's attention until a final shove landed her very close to the fireplace and James.

"Alright there?" James asked with his usual sarcasm.

"Barely. I think I have a crushed instep now."

When a couple of raucous boys threatened to do further damage to her bone structures, James pulled her closer to him. He also felt it was a good enough excuse for a more than friendly kiss. "Ready to go?"

"Yes. I don't think I can wait another second!" she laughed. She stepped through the fireplace, and at his direction, ended up in a rather cute little house. "Where are we? This isn't your house. That's actually where I thought we were going."

"Actually, this is my house. I bought it about a month ago. Let's go on a little tour, shall we?"

James led her through the various rooms and pointed out what he considered the more impressive aspects of the small house. It was two levels with a kitchen/dining room combination, living room, and upstairs and downstairs bath, and two bedrooms upstairs.

"It's so cute! I can't believe you actually chose it yourself? Did somebody help you?"

"Just the agent. It's really not anything too marvelous, but I wanted to be independent from my parents. I sort of like it."

"Did you furnish it, or did it come this way? It's precious!" Lily exclaimed when she saw the cheerful furnishings in the living room. She saw a cream striped couch and asked, "May I sit down?"

"Go ahead. Do you want a sandwich? I have bread and meat and cheese and some nasty molded crap."

"I'm scared now. I can envision a trip to the hospital wing after consuming some molded stuff."

"I would scrape the mold off before I gave it to you."

"Stop!" she laughed, and decided to follow him into the kitchen to make sure the molded food was thrown away. The deli meat turned out to be the molded stuff, so instead of sandwiches, they had potato chips and some cookies. "Have you moved in yet?"

"Yes, but only this week, so I haven't had time to completely trash it yet."

"Yet. What exactly do you eat?"

"Molded bologna," he said seriously, and both of them cackled. "Actually, I generally eat out. I can't cook to save my life. I tried a couple times and set some things on fire. Once it was my pants."

Lily was laughing so hard she almost didn't comprehend what he said next.

"I actually brought you here because I wanted to ask if you wanted to move in with me."

Thinking he was joking, she patted his hand and went to refill their water glasses. "I can't cook, either, James. I'm barely capable of putting a sandwich together. One time I cut myself with a butter knife."

"We could eat out, and I'm being serious. I know you were planning on going to Italy after you graduate, but I'm here now. I think we need a chance together." James said slowly, and he could see the hesitation all over her face. She was watching him warily as if she expected him to jump out and bite at any moment.

"Is this a sudden decision on your part?"

"I've been thinking about it for a long time. I realized how much I needed you when you broke up with me, and I felt it all over again when we began seeing each other the second time. Please consider it. You don't have to decide now or tomorrow or anytime soon for that matter."

"I really don't know what to say. I…This is a very big step for me. More like a leap followed by a bound."

James watched her gulp a glass of water and decided this just wasn't working out. "Why don't we go back to Hogsmeade and eat a real lunch?" For a very long moment he thought she was going to refuse to even do that.

"That would be lovely," she said finally.

The two of them went back to town and sat down at a secluded table at Caprice's. Caprice herself was their waitress. She kept giving James questioning looks with her eyes darting from James to Lily and back again until James finally shot her a decidedly quelling glare.

Lily started a rather pointless conversation, and it was rather obvious to James she was just trying to put aside the awkwardness of her indecision. After some pointless chattering (he tuned that out) she moved on to general questions about his house.

"Where, exactly, is your house?"

"Grantham. That's in Lincolnshire."

"How nice."

"Have your parents seen it?"

"Yes, they rather liked it, I think."

"How wonderful."

And that's how their conversation went for the next little bit. It was a relief for Lily when it was finally time to go back to Hogwarts. Her nerves were strained and her mind was racing. She had hours of thinking ahead of her.

James thought it was probably a bad thing she would be leaving without even swaying slightly in his direction. That is why he suddenly made his last move, one he had nearly talked himself out of. While they were on their way back to the carriages and the crowd jostled them without noticing, James stopped her. "Take this and think about it. It goes along with the house."

He pulled her hand from her pocked and put a small box on it and he nearly laughed at the way her green eyes comically widened at the sight of what was obviously a ring box.

"Owl me when you have made your decision, and I'll meet you in Hogsmeade again."

Lily held the box in one hand and James's hand in the other as they continued walking back down the street. They were near the carriages before she finally spoke. "James, do you love me? It's something I would really like to know before I made my decision."

"Of course I do; I wouldn't have asked otherwise. I have no desire to have a marriage like the one my parents share."

"From you, that's rather reassuring."

"It was meant to be," James said lightly. Really, though, every muscle in his body was tense with nervousness. He was beyond terrified that Lily would refuse his offer.

When they finally reached the carriages drawn by the horses invisible to Lily, they paused silently together, each thinking their own thoughts.

"Despite being surprised out of my wits, I had a rather nice time today," Lily said finally. She swung around to watch James as he answered.

"I'm glad. Despite having my proposition put on hold, I had a rather nice time, also."

Lily grinned before mocking, "I'm glad." She sighed and looked around, "I wish I didn't have to go back."

"If you decide not to," James said with an impish smile, "at least you definitely have someplace to go now."

"I suppose you're right. All the same, I better get going. I'll owl you as soon as I decide. Are you upset with me?" she asked with a frown.

"Not so upset I won't kiss you goodbye."

"That's always good to hear."

He did kiss her goodbye, and she had made a few steps toward a carriage before turning around and walking back into his arms. The stood there for several minutes with their arms wrapped around each other.

For several minutes, the world seemed perfect for each of them.


	25. Thoughtful Acceptance

While Lily stood in his arms, she thought about moving in and marrying James. And then she panicked. She felt her chest begin to tighten and her throat constrict. The blood started pounding in her ears and she became a victim of vertigo.

"I've got to go," she gasped. "I have, um, something to study for, I think."

"Are you okay? You don't look like you feel well."

"I'm fine. I just need to leave now. Bye, James." Lily pressed a quick kiss to his lips before tripping to the carriages. She clambered into the one that seemed most ready to depart and stared steadfastly in the opposite direction as James. She wasn't able to remain so set, though, when the wheels began rolling and she took one quick glance.

She saw one very sad James Potter.

Lily nearly leaped out of the carriage to go comfort him, and she was actually standing up when a girl next to her tugged her back down. She was tugged back down to more than the seat; her sense of reality also came flashing back.

"What in the hell are you trying to do?" Alaina Wilkes asked with amusement. Alaina was a very clever Ravenclaw seventh year whose ascorbic wit would have fit very neatly in Slytherin House.

"If I knew, I wouldn't be trying to jump out of a carriage, now would I?" Lily asked mockingly. Looking across the carriage, she saw two second year girls giggling quietly. Moodily, she grumbled, "What's so funny?"

"You, apparently," Wilkes answered.

"What's in the box," one of the younger girls asked.

Lily remembered the soft, gray box that she was clutching in a death grip. "It's a gift that I haven't opened yet."

"Looks like a ring box."

"An engagement ring box."

"Did she ask either of you?" Wilkes asked coolly. Both girls shut up. "So. Is it an engagement ring?"

"Why didn't I just jump out of the carriage when I had a chance? Have you girls been studying for end of year exams?"

With the subject effectively changed, Lily went back to contemplating the box in her hand. By the time carriage parked itself at Hogwarts, she was actually very curious about what the ring looked like. Assuming it was a ring.

Who, exactly, was to say it was a ring? It could be something else entirely, like earrings or a magical rock or something.

It would be like James to give her a couple of pretty stones the same day he asked her to move in with her.

Of course it was a ring.

Before she could entirely lose her mind, Lily rushed toward the lake. It didn't take her long to settle against the trunk of a large tree. She wrapped her cloak tightly around her, bit her lip, and slowly popped the box open.

As predicted, it wasn't a shiny rock. Or maybe it was, depending on how it was viewed. Either way, inside of the box was a square-cut diamond on a gold band.

To Lily's unpracticed eye, it looked a whole heck of a lot like an engagement ring.

Oh, crap.

It would have been a lot easier if it was a pair of earrings.

Experimentally, she tugged the ring from its little nook in the box and held it closer to her face. After examining it quite closely, she decided it was a very satisfactory ring.

Barring the fact it was an engagement ring.

"Oh, Mum, what should I do?" Lily muttered.

Lily had always promised herself she would know what to answer when she was proposed to, and if she didn't, then the man obviously wasn't right for her. Unfortunately, James had thrown her for a rather impossible loop, and when the time had come, the decision seemed rather scary.

Her first reaction had been to jam the suspected ring on her finger and launch herself at her new fiancé. Almost immediately following, though, was a rather trapped feeling. She would be attached to James forever. She would depend on him for her happiness. They would be 'it' for each other. People would say 'James and Lily' like it was one word.

Just thinking about it made Lily feel dizzy.

Sirius, Remus, and Peter all stared at James. James was sitting on his sofa, chosen with Lily in mind, and staring pensively out the window. Granted, there wasn't much of a view, but it was better than looking at his friends.

"You did say that you didn't think she would agree immediately," Remus said casually.

"I was preparing myself for a hopefully nonexistent postponement. It does exist though."

"Even if she does say no to marrying you, I bet she'll still move in," Sirius said.

"She's Catholic. I don't think she will," Peter disagreed, and everybody shot him a dirty look. "I'm just saying, is all."

"She's a witch now, and she doesn't have any family besides her sister in England. So that gets rid of the Catholic thing. Besides that, if you hadn't asked her, James, she would've taken herself off to Italy and you would have never seen her again," Remus was again the voice of wisdom.

Peter also had some rather intuitive words, "If she really loves you, she'll agree to marry you. If she just wants to move in, she doesn't think it's forever. Although not without benefits, cohabitation is a sort of cheap substitute for marriage."

"I can't believe she said she needed time to make a decision. I thought women were just supposed to know."

"Maybe she was just scared," Peter suggested.

"Maybe she thinks you're gross," Sirius laughed.

James snarled viciously.

When Lily stepped in Gryffindor Tower, she was immediately accosted by Millie, and Amos looked like he was there only because he had been threatened. "Ummm, did you lot have fun in Hogsmeade?"

"We had fun, but neither of us received an engagement ring," Millie said scathingly while she dragged Lily over to a corner and then pushed her into a chair. "What in the devil is going on?"

"I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about," Lily lied, and her eyes held Millie's rather convincingly. Until she smiled.

"I can see you know, but I'll fill you in. Apparently, two second year Ravenclaws were in a return carriage with you, and they saw you making puppy eyes at Potter and clutching a ring box. They told a dorm mate who told her fifth year Gryffindor sister, who asked me." Millie growled in a rather terrifying way, "And I want to know what's going on."

"Would you settle down? James asked me to move in with him today, and I suppose he asked me to marry him. He gave me this ring at least. Wanna see?"

"Absolutely not," Millie said tightly. "I hope you are not taking his proposal seriously."

"Come on," Lily grinned, "it's my first proposal. Revel in female satisfaction with me."

"Did you say yes?"

"I told him I needed to think about it."

"Ha!" Millie yelled with satisfaction. Several people turned to stare. "You have _always_ told me women knew immediately somewhere deep down. If they didn't say yes, if they had to think about it, it wasn't meant."

"I think this is different, though," Lily said honestly, and she felt herself smile. "I wanted to say yes immediately, and I came very close to it. But then I started feeling nervous, and I was scared it wasn't the right thing to do. I wanted to think about it, just to make sure."

Millie sighed with satisfaction. "So you've thought about it, and now you realize you can't possibly marry him."

"I have decided no such thing. I do want to marry James. I think I do, at least." Lily smiled and began tracing a pattern on the chair arm. "I want to be happy again. I think I will be with him, but I can't be for sure. I mean, we might be married for a month and find out we aren't at all suited."

Millie looked disgusted. Amos seemed rather white, but he was the first to speak again. "I think you'll be happy with him."

Lily looked up sharply, "What?"

Amos shrugged and seemed embarrassed. "You never acted the way you do with him with me. I think you rather adore him, and if he asked you to marry him, he must feel the same way. You two are good friends, and I think you're well suited."

Millie looked ready to strangle Amos.

Lily giggled happily. "Amos, I don't think you could have said anything to help me more." She flopped back against her chair. "I'm going to marry James Potter. I'm going to move into his house after we graduate. I don't have to go to Italy. What a _relief_. I'm going to be so happy."

"Oh my hell. This is revolting," Millie said in disgust, and Lily thought she was going to leave for a moment.

"Here," Lily said, thrusting the box in her friend's hand, "look at the ring.

Millie opened the small box and examined the ring critically. "It'll do," she said distastefully before shoving it at Amos.

He glanced at it briefly and said, "It's nice. Congratulations on your engagement."

"I'm engaged, aren't I?" Lily asked, and started giggling again. She felt rather disgusted with the sudden display of stupidity, but decided she would only be engaged once. "I guess I should write James to let him know we're engaged. He doesn't know yet."

Lily sat on her bed with a textbook cradled in her lap in place of a desk, and she began penning the note to James. She wasn't sure what to say, so her parchment was littered with little dots and scratched circles. Everything seemed self-important or just ridiculous. She was just writing a note to James, but it seemed like a note accepting a marriage and cohabitation proposal ought to be a little special. Finally, she just wrote:

_James,_

_I'll meet you at ten on Saturday at Caprice's._

She thought about leaving the letter at that, but then Lily thought she might want to let James know what her answer was in advance. With a smile on her face, she finished,

_I'll be the redhead with the rather pretty engagement ring_.

_Love, _

_Lily_


	26. Meeting the Future

After writing the note, Lily lay in bed for what felt like hours, but she wasn't sleeping.

Quite honestly, she felt happier than she had in ages, and she wanted to savor the joy and excitement that seemed to be pulsing through her veins. She no longer felt hollow or heavy-hearted; instead, she felt like the old Lily. She could take on the world and win.

It was all because of a grumpy James Potter who had been inexplicably charming and an engagement ring in a box resting on her stomach.

Lily hadn't been able to decide what to do with the ring. At first, she had wanted to put it on her finger, but then a rather romantic thought crossed her mind: she could wait until she saw James, and he could put it on her finger. With her mind made up on that, Lily had put the box in her nightstand drawer.

But it seemed to be chanting her name, begging her to take it out. Well, in reality, she wanted to see it again. It was almost unbelievable that she was actually engaged. Lily hadn't told any of her dorm-mates, even though they had been dropping questions and giving her surreptitious looks. Starla was the only one to ask her point blank, and Lily had given her a bland smile and said 'you never know what you'll hear'.

Lily didn't want to talk about it with people she wasn't close to. It seemed too private and too personal. It was hers.

So, instead of propping the box open on the edge of the table, she rearranged her alarm and stacked some books to make a little spot to tuck in her ring.

And she stared at it with a huge grin on her face.

"Just put it on, already," Millie grumbled from the next bed.

"I'm trying to resist."

Millie actually smiled and whispered, "You won't last the night."

"Don't make it even harder. Millie?"

"Hmm?"

"You'll come when we get married, won't you?"

"Of course I will."

"Promise?"

"Yes. You're my best friend, Lily. Even though I don't like the person you're going to marry, we're still best friends."

"I'm glad."

"I am too."

Lily smiled and rolled onto her stomach to stare at her ring. It wasn't long before she picked up the box and took the ring out. She turned it in the near darkness and watched the ring glint in the sparse light. Lily wasn't able to resist it anymore; she slid the ring on her finger for the first time.

"Fit?" Millie asked, sounding rather satisfied. Of course, her prediction had been right; Lily couldn't resist trying it on.

"Yeah, but I wonder how."

"Maybe his special talent is judging ring sizes."

"Maybe so. I think I'm going to leave it on."

"I'm sure that'd be fine. Not to kill the happiness, but can we go to sleep now?"

"I suppose so. Millie?"

"Yes, Lily?"

"Please be happy for me."

"I'll try. As long as you're happy, I'll do my best to be happy for you."

"Thank you."

It was awhile before Lily fell asleep; she couldn't restrain her imagination. Long, drawn out scenes played in her mind. They were of a wedding and thousand other images of her future with James.

Millie fell asleep just a few minutes later, but in those few minutes she couldn't help but worry about Lily and the mess she was undoubtedly getting herself into. Something was going to have to be done.

James opened his bedroom window late on Wednesday night when an owl flew into it with a rather nasty thud. The owl collapsed onto the floor and half-hearted hooted.

"Pathetic," James muttered, picking the owl up and setting it on his dresser. A strong gust of wind brought in a substantial amount of rain, and he hurried over to the window to block out the storm. He felt a little more sympathetic to the owl's exhaustion. "Rough out there, was it?"

The owl hooted with a bit more force.

"I thought as much. Well, let's see what you have." James untied the soggy roll of paper and laid it out to dry before going back to the owl. He brought some old owl pellets and a bowl of water for the bird, and as a last thought set a towel for it to nest on, or whatever it was that owls did. James found his glasses and went to examine the note, wondering what moron sent an owl in a rainstorm without protecting the parchment with a spell.

It really was a wonder that people that couldn't think to use simple spells got out of Hogwarts and lived in a dangerous world. Really remarkable.

"Lumos," he grumbled, causing the candles in the room to flicker on. Then he groaned when he saw the ink running in streams on the paper. Getting up in the middle of the night to a nearly unconscious owl, only to have to restore the note didn't help his mood. Not to even mention the fact it had been four days since he bared his soul to Lily without even the slightest indication of a reply. "Restoro."

The purple ink slowly dried and reformed the original words. The handwriting looked familiar, but it was too neat to belong to one of his friends. After just a few words, though, he recognized Lily's handwriting. His stomach clenched and the room began feeling a bit overheated.

James decided waiting for each word to unfurl would probably send him into a panic attack, so he went over to his own bird, Damon. "Think she'll say yes?"

Damon was in his pre-glory stage. He was no longer a mangy looking chick, but he still hadn't developed the legendary crimson plumage. Despite the awkward stage, the bird was smart. He cocked his head to the side, but didn't reveal his thoughts in an expression.

"Thanks for the help."

James walked down the narrow staircase to the kitchen for a glass of water. He stood, staring around the room, imagining what it would look like with Lily in it every day.

Rather magical, most likely.

Deciding not to get ahead of himself, James went back upstairs to read the note, although perhaps not knowing could be better than his answer.

_I'll meet you at ten on Saturday at Caprice's. I'll be the redhead with the rather pretty engagement ring_.

_Love, _

_Lily_

James grinned. He had to tell somebody about this. Sirius and Remus both had girlfriends who may be sleeping over, and James would prefer to avoid that sort of situation. That left Peter, who lived in a rather raunchy, albeit cheap, part of London. Excellent.

James pulled on the robes he had worn the day before and apparated to Peter's one-room flat. Personally, James couldn't imagine living there, but Peter seemed to love it. Not surprisingly, Peter was still up, watching his neighbors across the street through a pair of Muggle binoculars.

"Hey, Peter, I'm here."

"James! Marvelous to see you. Grab a pair and come look at this. A couple across the way are in one hell of a row."

Peter had developed a rather frightening fascination with watching his neighbors in an apartment building across the road. It was a hobby that earned him all amounts of heckling from his friends. James had to admit, though, that it was interesting, so he picked up Peter's extra pair and went to the window.

"Wizards really need to develop some sort of device similar to this," Peter said.

"Whatever you think," James laughed.

"Blimey! Did you see her throw that bowl at him?"

"Lucky she missed."

"What brings you out of charming Grantham at this time of the night?"

"Lily wrote me a note," James said, purposely keeping his voice cool. Peter wouldn't be able to see his lurking smile as long as the couple across the street were yelling.

"And?"

"I'm meeting her on Saturday. She said she'll be wearing the ring."

Peter lower the binoculars to stare at James. "Congratulations! I can't believe you weren't dancing through my door."

"I didn't want to appear foolish."

"Well, aren't you excited?"

"That doesn't even begin to describe it."

Lily didn't actually wear the ring to class until Thursday. For the beginning of the week she just slept with it on or wore it when nobody was around, but as the weekend and her meeting with James drew nearer, the more attached she grew to the little gold band with a diamond on it.

On Thursday morning, she decided not to take it off. After all, soon enough she wouldn't be able to keep the engagement a secret. However, the ring seemed more than a bit conspicuous as she sat at the Gryffindor table for breakfast.

"Finally decided to keep it on?" Amos asked with amusement in his voice.

Lily couldn't help but wonder if she had hurt his feelings. She opted for a small smile and a shy nod. That was pretty safe. Thankfully, nobody made a comment about her new jewelry during class or during any other meal that day. In fact, nobody even acted like they noticed, other than a few long glances, until that evening when she was getting ready to close her bed curtains.

"Oh, come on, Lily. You don't actually think you can go to bed without showing us the ring, do you?" Starla said just when Lily thought nobody would even notice.

"I had decided nobody noticed," Lily said humbly.

"Yeah, you're quite the innocuous personage here. Nobody notices the Head Girl at all, do they?" Millie asked.

"I never know what to expect."

"Well, we expected you to start passing the bloody ring around immediately." Jeanne said.

"And while we're looking, tell us how he asked you."

"Was it terribly romantic?"

"One knee and flowers?"

"Did he give you liquor?"

Lily laughed. Getting her completely pissed was one way James could go around proposing. "It wasn't anything special."

"Of course it was, Lily," Millie said with a sly smile. "Go ahead and tell them. It's your duty as the first of us to receive a proposal.

Lily looked around warily and four anxious and excited faces, and then Millie's expression of satisfaction.

"Well, I think he was really nervous, so I can't imagine it came out quite like it was supposed to," she said slowly, hoping she could leave it at that. She could understand why James proposed the way he did; he had seen his parents own loveless marriage, and if he felt strongly enough to want to marry her, than it was a rather heartening sign indeed. Other girls might not think it was such a romantic gesture.

"So what _exactly_ happened?" one girl pressed.

Lily tried to put it in the best possible light by saying, "He told me he bought a house, and he thought I would like it. He asked me if I wanted to move in once Hogwarts is over, and before I came back to the castle, he handed me the ring and told me it went with the house." Of course, she had to edit out the part where she left Hogsmeade, thus breaking school rules.

This time five sets of eyes blinked owlishly at her.

"I know that doesn't sound charming and romantic, but all that really matters is that he did, in effect, ask me. In his own way. Besides, we're talking about James; face it, I was lucky he didn't use sarcasm in the course of it."

That of course, made sense to all of them. Most people had at one time or another irritated James Potter, and most certainly, he had informed them of that fact.

"You two really are an odd couple," Starla observed. She didn't say it to be mean; she was merely pointing out a fact.

"He doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for her. I think they're good for each other." Jeanne said.

"Thank you, Jeanne," Lily said, and she felt tears welling in eyes. For some reason that seemed like the most sincere and kind thing anyone could've said to her.

"It's the truth. Now pass me that ring."

"Nervous," Sirius asked, watching as James went through a series of frantic attempts in order to tame his hair.

"What do you think?" he hissed.

"She already agreed to marry you, and I don't think she's so shallow she'll change her mind based on your hair today."

"I can't take any chances."

James would be meeting Lily in just one hour, and he was at an unknown level of anxiety. Either one of them could have misinterpreted the other's actions, and the whole thing could be down the drain. James didn't think he could live if that was the case.

Lily was getting very good at sneaking out of the castle. Using James Invisibility Cloak and the map had been very simple. She had avoided a whole herd of second years, and that was no mean feat. She was so good that she had broken her own personal record for getting out of the castle (32 minutes) and arrived at the café ten minutes early.

Apparently James had been the recipient of good transportation also, because he was opening the door as she walked up. He entered without seeing her, and she silently followed him in.

He went to stand at the hostess desk, and while he was waiting to be seated, Lily quietly walked up behind him and placed a hand on his arm. "Hey, guess who."

James turned to face her quickly, and a smile instantly crossed his face, but hesitation and wariness followed quickly. "Hi."

They each stared at the other. Neither of them knew what to say, and both of them hoped the other would speak first to set the tone. In the end, they were saved by the hostess who walked up and said, "Table for two?"

"Yes," James answered, and they silently went to a table. Lily hunkered over her menu, pretending to concentrate on selecting a breakfast dish. James, on the other hand, held his menu up so that it covered the lower half of his face.

Neither of them said anything until Caprice came out with a brilliant smile on her face. "Aha! I knew it wouldn't be long until the two of you were back. I see that Lily has a smashing ring on her finger, so it appears best wishes are in order."

"It appears so," James murmured, looking at Lily. "Thank you."

"What do you kids want? We're still serving breakfast, but I might break schedule if you want a sandwich. Our special today would be bangers and mash."

They each placed their order; waffles for James and eggs over easy for Lily.

And then they went back to staring at everything besides each other.

"Has is occurred to you," Lily finally asked, "that it was rather foolish of me to sneak out of Hogwarts, only to stare out of a window and not even speak to you?"

"It had occurred to me, but I didn't want to say anything."

Lily smiled and rolled her eyes, "Somehow that does not surprise me."

"You were the one to summon me, so I assumed you had a reason."

"You told me to owl you when I made a decision, and we could meet in Hogwarts. I made a decision and owled you. So, technically, I really think you were the one to summon me."

James narrowed his eyes, and he hated to admit she had a point. So he didn't. "What, exactly, was your decision?"

Lily fought the urge to roll her eyes again. "Really, James, what do you think my decision was?"

"Sometimes I have no idea what crosses your mind."

Breaking with the mild sniping, she abruptly smiled. "Of course I will."

"Marry me or move in with me?"

"Both, silly. What did you think was going on?"

James mumbled something incoherent.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

"Whatever you say. Did you pick out the ring all by yourself?"

"Why do you always ask if I have chosen something by myself?"

"Do I ask that?"

"Just about every time I show you something. My parents' house, and then my house, and now the ring."

"Ahhh, well, you have to admit, James, that you've furnished them in a style that doesn't seem to fit your mood."

"Which would be?" he asked.

"You're sarcastic and pessimistic."

"You make me sound so wonderful."

"You _are_! I'm terribly fond of you, but to me, it seems that darker colors would fit better."

Lily watched as he set his jaw and began looking very stubborn.

"Fond is not going to cut it, Lily."

"Excuse me."

"If you don't love me, now would be an appropriate time to say so, because I will not marry anybody who doesn't love me. There are absolutely no exceptions."

She was so stunned by his announcement that she couldn't even begin to formulate a response for a minute. Her necessary metabolic actions carried on, but almost everything else stopped entirely. Of course it made sense, though, that he would feel that way. Twenty years observing a marriage full of bitterness and dislike would make him run from anything remotely similar. Just seeing the intensity in his face while he waited on her answer helped her know what she felt. "James, I do love you."

"But?"

"There are none."

Immediately the wariness and hesitation she had seen earlier drained from his face, leaving only the closest emotion to pure happiness she had ever seen on his face. Lily knew that was why she loved him. He needed her more than anyone and was happier with her more than anyone. She had no illusions, though, that he would say the same thing to her so readily. James guarded himself thoroughly, and she imagined it would take him awhile to realize he didn't need to around her.

James surprised Lily by picking up her palm and kissing it.

Lily very nearly melted out of her chair.

"I chose the decorations for you."

"Huh," she asked dimly. Who knew having your palm kissed could simultaneously deaden a few hundred brain cells?

"My rooms at my parents' home and the house. I told the decorator and the realtor I wanted bright colors. Lily colors."

There went some more brain cells.

Luckily, Caprice came floating by with two plates of food. "Here you go." Apparently she took in Lily's slack-jawed expression, because she said, "I see you two are getting along a bit better now. New couples are always a bit awkward at first."

Silence again covered the table while they ate, but this time it wasn't so awkward.

"You never answered my question," Lily remembered.

"What question?"

"Did you choose the ring by yourself?"

"Is it that important?"

"Not really, I was just curious."

"I found three I liked, but I couldn't decide between them. Most everybody knew what I was planning, so I had Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Aubrey come by and check it out. Remus went to clear stuff out of the shack, and while he was talking to you, I was getting the ring."

"So that was what was in the bag!"

"That was what was in the bag," he confirmed. "Do you like it?"

"Tremendously."

"I'm glad."

Lily's heart felt extremely heavy as Honeyduke's came into sight. Sighing, she said, "I'll see you in three weeks."

"I'll be at King's Cross."

"You don't have to meet me. I know you still have Healer classes, and it's really not a big deal for me to take the Knight Bus or Floo from The Leakey Cauldron."

"I have no doubt you're going to make a lot of your friends and family mad because of me, so the least I can do is be there when you get off the train. It's depressing not to have anybody there when all your friends run to their families. Besides, you'll probably need someone to remind you to levitate you trunk."

"Haha." Sometime during the conversation Lily had wrapped her arms around his neck and he had pulled her close to him. Lily definitely lost a few brain cells during the kiss that ensued. She was actually fairly sure she lost the majority of her thinking processes. James still had his light vanilla scent and Lily's thoughts turned to a wicked nature.

"Hmm," she murmured, "I believe I like that."

"I know I did."

As much fun as prolonging the moment could be, Lily didn't relish the thought of a public scene. "I should go."

"I suppose so."

She placed a lingering kiss on his cheek and pulled away, but her fingers laced with his even as she backed away. "Bye, James. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"I think I know that. You don't have to tell me, but I'm glad that you did."

"That's part of the reason I did."

They stepped into an alley and Lily pulled James's Invisibility Cloak out of her knapsack. "Am I covered?"

"As far as I can tell."

"Alright, bye."

James heard her take a step, and without thinking, he said, "Lily, be careful."

"I will be, James."

For reasons he couldn't explain, James had the feeling getting back into the castle wasn't going to be as simple as getting out.


	27. Fighting a Rebellion

The post-lunch rush and surprising candy shortage had left Honeydukes with a crush of tired and irritated shoppers. She pitied the poor clerk who was speaking to the manager through the fireplace, all the while being yelled at. There were more than a few hexes also flying in his direction.

Nobody noticed when Lily jostled them under the cloak, or when she slipped into the basement. The truly difficult part of her return to Hogwarts was successfully completed. There were always people roaming the halls at the school, but she had the map to help her dodge them. It was trickier, though, to slip into an employee's only area of a busy shop.

Despite that, though, walking through the long, dank tunnel underneath the grounds of Hogwarts. The light from her wand did little to illuminate the space, leaving many small areas to look threatening and scary. She had no doubt James and his friends had walked through here with raucous laughs and talks of tricks, but it was different walking through the tunnel alone. Being a dozen meters under the ground was similar to being the only girl in the world. That's how it felt to Lily, at least. She couldn't see or hear anybody, and nobody could see or hear her.

That's what she had always hoped.

Lily wasn't quite sure what she would do if she met somebody in the tunnel. At best, it would be an awkward situation between friends; both sneaking out without telling the other of the route. The thought of meeting one of the crueler Slytherins made her shudder. Even worse would be meeting a stranger. That was enough to scare quite thoroughly and make her swing her wand around in a wide circle.

"Keep together, Lily. Think happy thoughts."

She thought about James. James was definitely happy. She still couldn't believe they were going to actually get married. During their three hours at Caprice's they had made many plans and ended up eating lunch also. Caprice didn't seem to mind them remaining at the table in the corner, and Lily had the suspicion Caprice regarded them as a sweet pair of loves-struck kids. The café was far enough off of High Street that Lily didn't need to worry overly that some patron would recognize her as a Hogwarts student.

That would definitely _not_ be pretty.

Lily had made plans for the rest of her life. James would meet her at King's Cross when the Hogwarts Express pulled up, and they would Floo from The Leaky Cauldron to their own little house.

And then the rest was sort of blank, and she again felt panic rise.

What would happen once they got there? Of course she knew what would happen. It was a one bedroom house. Any dolt could figure out what would happen.

"Duh, Lily. Did you think you think we were just going to be roommates?" she asked herself. Honestly, she hadn't given it any consideration, but this walk would be an excellent time to begin. That first night alone together would be incredibly awkward, at least in Lily's imagination. There was no such thing as privacy at Hogwarts, so there were very few opportunities to do more than kiss at the school. She had heard other girls whisper about what they had done with their boyfriends, but in all honestly, the fear of getting caught definitely outweighed her desire to have sex. Being a coward had served her well until this particular point.

James had asked her when she wanted to get married, and she had just said she didn't know. What Lily really wanted was to get married on Christmas; it had been her dream since childhood. Christmas was a very long time away, though. She had formerly wanted a large wedding, but she didn't exactly have a family to attend. James only had his parents. So, basically, his friends, her friends, and four family members would attend. If Petunia would even go, and who was to say Petunia would come? She hated James.

Why did everyone she loved hate James? Well, Amos seemed to like him, and wasn't that a bit odd? The one person who shouldn't like him liked him? What the hell was going on here?

Lily was very confused, and perhaps even a bit overwhelmed, so she did the most logical thing: she changed her mental subject. She still had a lot of plans to make. She had an entire career change to make. Luckily, she had applied to the agencies in England and Frances as well as Italy, so it wouldn't be too terribly hard to focus all of her energy into getting into the Hit Witch training program. Lily tried not to think about it, but her mind still trailed off to the fact that England was so narrow minded that it didn't allow a witch to be an Auror.

What a load of malarkey.

Lily was still mentally berating the priggish men who made and upheld that declaration when she reached the hidden castle entrance. With a slight smile she pulled out the Marauder's Map and muttered the password. How like Sirius it sounded. To her complete surprise, it looked like the entire castle was roving the corridors. She clearly said, "Show me the scurvy toerags" and tapped the map twice with her wand. Just as James had promised, the dots on map turned the color of each person's house. Lily's worries were confirmed when the packs of people were all sorted by house. The only time when all the houses moved together was after the welcoming feast. Of course, there was that minor crisis in second year when about a dozen ashwinders had been loosed in the castle. The students, who had been eating lunch at the time, were told to stand on the tables while the adults scrambled in order to capture the serpents before they had a chance to lay their eggs. Perhaps there was an animal loose in the building. Lily personally hopped it was a unicorn. A centaur would be interesting; those creatures were notoriously loose cannons.

Lily didn't think she could slither out from behind the statue with the cloak still in place, so she decided to wait for the crowd to pass. Unfortunately, one dot didn't move from the statue's vicinity, and also unfortunately, that dot was Millie Barstow.

It was with a huge amount of reluctance that Lily cleared the map and finally left the passage. Almost immediately, Millie hugged her and then was talking.

"Right now I don't care what you've been doing; I'm just glad you're safe. You are in serious trouble, I think. Dumbledore has wanted you for the past hour. Something has happened; none of the students have been told. All of the houses have been sent to their common rooms, and there are a bunch of adults here. Whatever's happened, it must be bad. The professors are nearly pulling their hair out. Professor Fletcher actually pulled out his flask in front of the students. The Prefects and the Head Boy had a meeting in the headmaster's office. He sent several people out looking for you, and luckily, one of them found me."

Lily felt her stomach knotting up, and she heard footsteps approaching.

Millie turned and waved at the approaching figure. When they saw Millie waving, they began running.

Lily watched in amazement as the person turned into Remus Lupin. He immediately grabbed her arm and continued running. "Come along, Lily, we need to hurry."

"What's going on?" she asked. Lily had to struggle to keep up while trying to stuff James's cloak back into her book bag.

Nobody noticed a scruffy piece of parchment drift to the floor.

"A werewolf revolt is imminent, and we're currently trying to control the situation. As Head Girl you were supposed to be at the meeting to help guard the students. When nobody could find you, Dumbledore got worried, because students don't usually just turn up missing. Our safety meeting is an hour behind schedule, but some other plans have been made, so it's not going too badly."

"You're revolting?" Lily asked dumbly.

Remus gave her a look. "Don't be stupid. You'll learn it with the Prefects and Head Boy. This way."

Lily yelped when he jerked her arm so hard she thought something popped.

"Were you with James?"

"Yeah, I-"

"Say you fell asleep in a really odd room on the seventh floor. Dumbledore will probably believe you."

He took her book bag and crammed it into a large vase and then knocked her pony tail askew. "You've been asleep, remember?"

"James will murder me if something happens to his cloak."

"Better to deal with James than Dumbledore." Remus then amended, "Well, in this case, at least. Students are at the back of the room, to your right. Do not forget you were asleep."

"Okay. Thank you, Remus."

"Of course."

Remus and Lily walked into a room she had never seen before. It was of a medium size and it almost looked like a history classroom one would find in a Muggle school. Maps were strewn across the wall that was otherwise covered a very dark wood paneling. At the front of the room was a long table covered in a plain, green tablecloth with several occupied chairs facing out across the room. The rest of the room was filled to the brim with rows and rows of long tables with chairs. There were only a handful of empty seats left, and Lily quickly took one next to Amos when Remus nudged her.

Professor Dumbledore quickly entered the room and looked directly at Lily. "I trust there was no trouble, Miss Evans?"

"No, none at all," Lily said, and added an embarrassed grin. "I fell asleep in a room on the seventh floor. I don't think I've seen it before."

"Very well," he said after giving her a cool stare. She had the nasty feeling he knew she was lying. However, the headmaster didn't say anything. Instead, he glided to the table at the front of the room. "Silence, please. First, I need to explain the situation to those of you who do not know yet."

Lily leaned forward.

She listened to Dumbledore's voice as it resonated through the room. He spoke of things that made her mind sizzle. First, he mentioned a wizard who was doing terrible things in the East, and how that wizard was slowly expanding westward. Lily was nearly in shock when Dumbledore said he expected the wizard to invade Britain in a short time. The Headmaster was a person Lily felt she could trust above all others, so this must obviously be the truth. It seemed the truth got worse.

"This wizard, who goes by the name Lord Voldemort, is very near our home. According to the reports of many dark creatures, Voldemort is attempting to edge them to his side, and he is using any means necessary. We have a statement declaring he seeks out werewolves while in their wolf form, and that is why we are here tonight. The Dementors have already turned to him, and it is my belief that he will stop at nothing to control werewolves also."

Lily began searching the crowd for Remus so she could watch his face. When she found him, he was sitting rigidly in his chair with a clenched jaw.

"The Ministry of Magic also believes that. That, witches and wizards, is the reason for us meeting here tonight. The Ministry has always held a speculative view about werewolves, but I have personally encountered a number of these afflicted people, and I know there are many, many good and kind ones. An inter-department memorandum was sent out today, and in it was a proclamation stating any werewolf must be firmly caged and sponsored by an upstanding wizard for every full moon until notice is given. A werewolf that cannot provide documentation of his or her activities during the time spent as a wolf will be executed."

Lily's eyes shot open and she clapped a hand to her mouth. They couldn't do that!

"Any werewolf who seeks shelter need only to come to me, and arrangements will be made. However, some of these people who feel wronged will inevitably turn to evil, and we need to be prepared as citizens and as leaders for a large or small scale werewolf attack on the next full moon."

Lily tried to remember her astronomy chart, but Amos was quicker. "Day after tomorrow."

She closed her eyes. How was this ever going to turn out well?

"That is why the Prefects are with us tonight. You are the only students aware of the information, and you will be responsible for the safety of the students. There will be a dangerous potions spill in the dungeons Monday afternoon. As a result, all students must stay in their common rooms, except for Slytherin house. Slytherins will be moved to the North Tower. Classes will be resuming Wednesday afternoon, but in the time between, no students are allowed into the corridor. The Prefects are now dismissed, but I would like The Head Boy and Girl to stay for the remainder."

Lily and Amos did stay for the remaining four hours of the meeting. Lily would have been exhausted if she had not been so worried. She was worried for everybody in general, but most especially for Remus. When it was over, he came back to meet her again.

"Dumbledore wants to talk with you and Amos some more, so don't forget about the nap."

"Will you be at Hogwarts for the full moon, then?" she asked. She hated the thought of him being stranded on the full moon and put down the day after. She hated the people who made that law. How could anybody not see that werewolves were just people afflicted now and then? They could be good and kind people like Remus.

Remus smiled wryly, "I'm just going home to get my things and then I'll be back. Dumbledore and I are going to work on some things before."

"Oh, Remus, I'm scared for you," she said and then hugged him. Her new step with James made Remus seem all the more important to her; after all, he had coerced her into pursuing him.

"Don't be. I'm probably safer here than anywhere else. I just have more serious consequences now."

"All the same, I wish you luck."

"Thank you. Lily? If you write to James, don't mention any of this. It'd be better if I explained to all of the Marauders myself. Please."

"Of course, mum's the word."

Remus smiled fondly at her and shook his head in disbelief. "You really are the oddest person. Goodbye."

"Bye, Remus."

Lily sat back in her chair, and after he finished talking with a few other wizards, Dumbledore came over to her and Amos. She imagined the headmaster had been through a very long day, but he didn't look as weary as she felt.

"Good evening, children."

"Hello, sir," Amos said cheerfully, but Lily didn't feel up to more than a nod.

"I have a special task for you two, although it is optional. I feel that you two are accomplished enough to protect yourself if necessary from a werewolf, so I would like for you to travel from tower to tower to ensure that order is maintained and that the Prefects aren't having any problems. If you two agree, I would also like for you to sit watch with some witches and wizards who are coming in to make sure nothing amiss occurs. I feel this would be particularly valuable for Miss Evans since she wishes to pursue a career as a Hit Witch, and for you, Mr. Diggory, since I believe you wanted a Ministry job of your own. Your grandfather used to work in the magical creatures sector, did he not?"

"I was considering that area on my own, Sir. I'll do it," Amos said.

Lily wasn't so sure. She didn't like the thought of seeing Remus so out of control and in terrible pain. It would be a good experience for her career, though. "I will too."

"Very well."

_Monday Afternoon…_

Lily checked her watch; the messenger was right on time. McGonagall left the room to speak with someone in the hall, and she came back in looking suitably hurried. "Students, there has been a potions spill in the dungeons. Everyone needs to go to their common rooms immediately. Gryffindors, follow Miss Evans and Mr. Diggory. Hufflepuffs, go along with Miss Englesbury. Please go along quickly."

Lily and Amos didn't lead the group; instead, they followed everyone to ensure no student tried to make a little detour. The fifth years were already in the tower, and the second years were arriving at the same time. The Gryffindor common room was already unbearably loud.

"Is it Wednesday yet?" Amos asked.

"Only in my dreams. Let's get a couch or chair or rug before they're all taken."

They narrowly sat on a couch before some third years, and promptly stuck their feet up on a coffee table. "You know, Lily," Amos began, "I don't want to pop your bubble of new found happiness with James, but have you told your sister yet?"

Lily closed her eyes. "I completely forgot, Amos. I hadn't even though of Petunia. I've been so excited planning everything, I overlooked her. It's not going to be pretty."

"No, I can't imagine it will be."

"I'm glad you thought of it. Can you imagine meeting her at the train with James standing there with me. Oh, by the way Petunia, I forgot to tell you I was going to marry the person you hate most in the entire world. Just kill me and end it all now."

"That would be too easy. You'll going to have to work it out sooner or later. Sooner would be better."

"You're right. I'll write her and tell her…tell her I'm going home with a friend. I'll go and visit her a couple days later, and try to explain it to her. It's going to be terrible. Really, really bad." Lily put her hands over her face, "It'll hurt James's feelings if he finds out I haven't said anything to her yet."

"He's smart; he will understand. James knows your sister, and he knows you. His reaction is the one you need to be least worried about."

As it turned out, the letter wasn't too terrible; after all, Lily simply wrote a long lie. The thing that was terrible, though, was the entire day. Being surrounded by a hundred Gryffindors all talking at top volume made her feel ready to explode. She wished she could sneak to Hogsmeade and meet James. The crazier everyone began to act in the tower, the more she longed for his quiet presence. She wanted to sit with someone who wouldn't talk nonstop, and she wanted to hear his low voice that would have the slight tinge of irony. She wanted him to kiss her and make her forget she was worried about Remus and Petunia, and she wanted to feel the slow heat his fingertips always brushed along her skin.

She did not want Hogwarts with its noisy students, nor did she want any of her friends and their odd quirks. Lily wanted James.


	28. A New Home

James grinned, "I've missed Hogwarts food."

Dumbledore nodded with no guise of gravity.

Sirius sluggishly got to his feet, and scratched his head. "I guess I'll go to the hospital while you and Lily snog in the kitchens."

James glanced nervously back at Dumbledore, but the headmaster was benignly watching Fawkes, apparently deaf to Sirius's remark.

"That works for me."

James was suddenly very glad he had come to Hogwarts and equally glad there was a Head Students meeting. If those two events hadn't coordinated, he wouldn't be seeing Lily sitting on the stone floor across the corridor from him, reading a book. James smiled when he saw her. Her hair was drawn back in a ponytail, and strangely enough she was wearing a striped sweater over her uniform that matched the pink and white striped rain boots on her feet. She and Amos were looking a large book opened between them.

Apparently neither of them was very alert, because neither of them looked up until he sat down beside Lily on the floor.

"Wh-James!" Lily laughed. She very nearly jumped on him after she shoved the book off her lap and hugged him. "What are you doing here?"

"I had to see Dumbledore. He said we can go eat in the kitchens after your meeting if you want."

"Really?" Lily stopped laughing and seriously put her forehead against his. "James, does this mean we're actually seeing each other without sneaking? I'm fairly sure deceit is the basis of our relationship."

"If you would feel better, I'm sure I can find a few dusty tunnels to crawl through."

"Let's go wading through a swamp or something."

"As exciting as that sounds, you would have to carry me since I don't have galoshes like you do."

"So maybe we'll go the normal way." She lightly rested her fingertips on his cheek. "I'm glad you came. I've missed you, James."

"And I missed you."

She lightly brushed her lips across his and reveled in being enveloped by James.

"Ahem." Sirius cleared his throat multiple times to get the couple's attention.

"Are you choking?" Lily asked with mock concern.

"Possibly gagging. Don't you have a meeting with the headmaster?"

"Is that why I've been sitting in the hallway for the past thirty five minutes, waiting on our ten forty five meeting? I had entirely forgotten."

Sirius stuck his tongue out at her, and she returned the gesture.

Amos groaned in the corner. "I guess this means I have to carry the book."

James sat in the hallway while Lily and Amos went into Dumbledore's office, and he found himself thinking about Lily.

He could honestly say without a doubt he loved her beyond anything else in his life.

Lily was everything good in his world. She was bright summer days, brisk fall breezes, a flawless snowfall, and the perfect spring day all rolled into one. She was fresh and kind and wholly wonderful.

And she was very pretty. _Very_. Adorable was probably a very good way to describe her appearance.

James wondered why he, of all people, would be marrying her. There were pretty girls and smart girls and nice girls and funny girls, but very seldom were there girls that had all of those qualities. Lily could do so much better than him. On that thought, why would a girl with two brain cells work together choose him over Amos Diggory. Amos was equally good looking and equally wealthy, but Amos had a much better family and seemed to fit her personality.

He frowned. What was Lily thinking of, and was it a possibility she had made a rash decision?

While James was thinking dark thoughts in the corridor, Lily was rather pleasantly reflecting on her own feelings while half-listening to Dumbledore talk about desks or something.

James was really great. Practically nobody liked him, but she chalked that up to people not really knowing him. He was mean on the surface, but underneath that public veneer, he was really very likeable and sweet, and just perhaps the barest touch prickly. He watched out for the people he loved; Lily knew James would jump in front of any curse to save Remus or Sirius or Peter. He was brilliant, and he was unlike any person she had ever known. She loved him.

"And as a final note, I would just like to mention we have a visitor, James Potter, and I think it would be appropriate for one or both of our head students to escort him to lunch in the kitchens. If you two don't know the location, I'm sure he can direct you. That is all."

Lily and Amos murmured goodbyes and started down the staircase.

"Are you going to escort the guest or am I going to have to?" Amos asked with pretend irritation.

"If you're going to act like that, I will. Good grief Amos, this is ridiculous. I'm tired of you shirking your head boy duties."

They looked at each other and laughed.

"Try not to get into trouble."

"I won't. You're not going back to class, are you? I'm not."

"You're escorting the guest. I'll find something in the tower to occupy me for fifteen minutes until lunch." Amos walked off in that direction, and Lily was left with James.

"Do you mind if we go to the library for a bit and then go to the kitchens later. I need to finished up an assignment really quickly. We've got an hour and a half, so there's plenty of time."

"Fine with me," James shrugged.

They walked down the hallway holding hands silently before Lily asked, "What's wrong? You look upset."

"Several things, actually. There was a problem at St. Mungo's and I got worked up over that, and then I've been thinking about us. Are you sure you want to marry me?"

Lily stopped abruptly. "_What_?"

"Are you sure you want to marry me?"

"Do you still want to marry me?" Lily asked, her voice rising.

"I don't if you don't want to marry me."

"Why are you asking me this?"

"I'm just checking."

"Why are you just checking? Have you changed your mind?"

"I thought you might have."

"_Why_ would you think that?"

"Think about it. Why would you actually want to marry me when there are a million other wizards out there that are better than me? They're kinder and happier and they have better families. Why would you want me when you could have someone like Amos Diggory?"

"I love you, you idiot. I don't want to marry someone like Amos Diggory who is perfect and who is just like me. Do I act like I want to be with him?"

"Well, no, but I was just thinking it's sort of ridiculous for you to marry me when you're…you. You're perfect and I'm not."

"Oh, James, that was incredibly foolish," Lily sighed, and hugged him tightly. "I love you; I love you; I love you. I want to spend forever with you. I'm not perfect and you're not perfect, but we are perfect for each other. You are the wizard I want. It's always you."

James didn't let her go, even when she stopped talking. "I want you to be happy."

"I will be happy with you. You make me happy."

"I love you."

Lily drew back to smile at her and he kissed her.

They were still standing there kissing when class let out for lunch and the halls became flooded with students.

"Well, that moment's over. Shall we advance to the library?" James asked.

When they arrived in the library, Lily immediately grabbed a book and began writing her essay so quickly her handwriting was nearly illegible, and then she stopped. She absently tugged on her tie and flipped through the book's pages.

"Could I be of assistance?"

"I can do it."

"I was just thinking we could, well, go snog in a corner someplace as soon as you finish."

Lily raised an eyebrow and asked, "Any good at Transfiguration?"

* * *

_One week later…_

"I'll miss this place," Amos sighed.

Lily and Millie were sniffling into tissues.

"I wish you two would stop that."

"We'll never be back. That's said. So very sad," Lily said.

"We'll never walk down those hallways or stand in the stands at the pitch."

"We'll never fall asleep in our dormitory with the other girls."

"We'll never have to write essays, prepare for NEWTs, or have a curfew again," Amos finished.

Millie sighed, "No curfew. Now that you mention it, life might not be so bad."

"As if your mother is going to let you stay out all night," Lily said derisively.

"I'll tell her I'm staying with you and James. She nearly died when I told her you were going to live with him, by the way."

"I wonder why?" she asked dryly. She stayed silent for a moment before blurting, "I really love you two."

"We love you too," Millie said quickly.

"You don't have to be so sad, Lily. I'm sure we'll still see each other," Amos said reasonably.

"But it won't be the same. We won't be together all day long every day anymore. You guys have made Hogwarts a lot of fun for me."

"You made it fun for us. We probably would have been very bored without you," Amos said.

"Nobody else would have encouraged us to walk backward."

"Millie."

"Lily. Don't be sad. Just think all the fun we'll have now. When you can tear yourself from James, that is. He's about a hundred times more uptight than any mother, but you're a smart girl. You can drug him and sneak out some time."

"James is fun," Lily said defensively.

"To maul in a dark library corner, apparently. You traumatized a quarter of the eleven year olds at the school that still think the opposite sex has cooties."

Lily felt her face turn red as she remembered that awkward situation for the thousandth time. "Can't we just please forget about that? I have never been so embarrassed in my life."

"So embarrassed that you two picked back up behind a statue three feet from the library entrance?"

"Perhaps I'm just easily distracted," she answered in a distinctly harassed tone. "Can we just drop it? I don't know why you want to talk about James so much even though you hate him. I don't get it."

Amos shot Millie a look that explicitly said _you went too far this time_. "Why don't we all change out of our Hogwarts clothes?"

"That's not obvious at all."

* * *

"Last time off the train," Lily said regretfully.

"Last time we hug goodbye at the train station," Millie added.

"Last time I have to hear you two say this is the last time," Amos put in.

Both girls hugged him at the same time, and then hugged each other.

"Owl me immediately, Lils. If he's mean to you, just come to my house and I'll go to yours and hex him."

"Okay, I'll do that, Millie. Wish me luck."

"Good luck. Don't forget me."

"Why would I forget you? We're going to take our Apparating tests tomorrow. I won't have time."

"I'd forgotten."

All three of them laughed and gave each other a last look before walking off toward their respective families.

Lily carefully wiped her eyes and began wandering around to find James. She finally spotted black hair mussed in an unusual way, and began threading her way through the crowds toward it. Instead of it being James's stubbornly messy hair, it was Sirius's artfully tousled locks. He was whispering with Remus and Peter.

"Where's James?" she asked when she finally faced them.

"He was assigned interning duty today," Peter supplied.

And then she was engulfed. Sirius suddenly enveloped her and gave her comically sloppy kisses on the face and Remus hugged her tightly and spun her around. Peter hung to the side until the other two were finished, and then in a voice identical to James's said, "Did you manage to remember to shrink your trunk, or do we have to deal with that?"

Lily looked blankly at them before she began laughing.

"I think we messed up," Remus observed.

"You're right; I should have kept kissing her until a bunch of first years came by."

"I think I would have drowned had you kept it up," she giggled. "That was definitely how it would have been if James had met me, given he'd been completely inebriated and sleepwalking."

"Well, we tried our best. James is going to be at the hospital all day; probably until well after dark," Remus said.

"He didn't want you to be alone here, especially since he said he would come."

"And so we're the stand-ins. Do you want to go get something to eat at Diagon Alley? Then we'll take you home?" Sirius asked.

* * *

Three hours later, Lily was left alone with just Sirius in her new home. From what she could figure, Sirius more or less lived there. After Remus and Peter had left, he had went into the kitchen, made a sandwich, and settled in front of the television, which Lily still couldn't figure out why James had.

James didn't even know Muggles used toilet paper, so how could he handle purchasing and using something of that magnitude?

"Lils, are you afraid of the dark?"

"No, Sis, I'm not."

"Why did you just call me Sis?"

"Why did you just call me Lils?"

"Lils is a common abbreviation of Lily. You can't get Sis from Sirius."

"Sure you can. Take out the R, I, and the U."

"How about we go back to Lily and Sirius before James walks in and you start calling him Jim or something equally embarrassing."

"Let's both call him Jimmy and see what he does."

"Probably think we've lost our marbles. I would."

"So why did you ask me if I was afraid of the dark, Sis?"

"Well, Lils, I was going to come back and check on you when it got dark. James won't be home until a few hours after dark, and I didn't want you to be cowering under the bed desperately hoping for light."

"Sirius, I am a big girl, and I can stay by myself after dark. I appreciate your concern though."

"Anytime. You know where to find me if you need me. Otherwise, I'm going to my flat and do a little reading and get ready for my date tonight."

"Anyone I know?'

"I don't know; it's a blind date. I'll come by after it's over and let you two know. On second thought, maybe I should leave you two on your own tonight." Sirius started toward the door, but then he turned back with a laugh, "But only one night. After that, Sirius is back."

"Bye, Sirius."

"Goodnight, Lils."

Lily locked the door behind him and began her private inspection of the flat. She walked through each of the rooms, running her hands across the furniture and spinning around in wonder. Throughout the house, there was a recurring theme: Friends. James had no family pictures, just snapshots of his friends. Sirius's face could be found in every room except the bathroom and Remus and Peter occupied their fair share of pictures too. She was surprised to see that she was in nearly as many pictures as Sirius, even though she didn't even remember when they were taken.

The bedroom was the last room she went in. Ever since she was little, she had thought of bedrooms as the most special of places.

They were rooms in which dreams unfolded.

They were the rooms where little girls pretended to be ballerinas and dreamed of the boy who had that incredibly cute smile. They were the places they giggled with their best friends and cried when they hurt.

She had had her own room for eleven years, and then she had moved in with a gaggle of young witches like her. Now it would just be the two of them, just Lily and James.

After walking around the room once, she took her trunk from her pocket and returned it to its normal size so she could begin unpacking. If she had thought James had forgotten about her even arriving today, the idea would have been dispelled when she saw all of the adjustments he had made obviously in expectation of her arrival. The closet was neatly bisected in half as James had his clothes pushed to one side, and his shoes were in four neat rows along half the closet floor. Lily was shocked he had that many shoes. She hadn't really pinned him a shoe man. He probably had more shoes than she did. Weird. Half of the drawer space had been emptied, and one nightstand had been cleared. Even half of the bathroom had been bared for her use.

In her book, that was just adorably sweet.

Lily dreamily waited for him to come home that evening. She watched some soap opera reruns on the television and imagined what would happen when he came home. Visions of him slamming the door open, running to her, and decla

ring his passionate love for her danced through her giddy mind.

Unfortunately, visions just kept dancing until all she saw was the back of her eyelids. When the mantle clock chimed midnight, she gave up her fight with sleep and trudged into the bathroom for her evening beauty ritual before slinking into bed. She fell asleep with the scent of vanilla teasing her nose and thoughts of James occupying her mind.


	29. An Old Home

"The nurses are whispering in the potions closet, Potter," Mason Dechamp laughed as he met James in the hallway at St. Mungo's. "The one you scared that dropped the beaker is crying."

James growled in response.

"You know, I had forgotten what today was, so I couldn't figure out why you are so out of sorts. Then I thought to myself, Mason, why would James be upset? That list was entirely too long, so I thought, what was suppose to happen today? And then I remember, Hogwarts students come home today! That means today James was supposed to reunite with the wonderful Lily, but instead, you are here looking over a Healer's shoulder at St. Mungo's!"

"And you're terribly upset about the situation, aren't you, Dechamp?" James asked.

"I hurt when you hurt, James. I was just thinking that it's really slowed down, so I could perhaps handle working the two hours left of your shift since mine was over fifteen minutes ago."

"You've already been here since two. That's ten hours."

"And you were already here when I arrived. You better not give Lily too long to figure out what she's doing there, or she might pack her trunk and leave. Go home, Potter."

"I…thanks. Are you sure?"

"Definitely."

"Bye, I'll see you tomorrow, Dechamp."

Mason laughed softly and watched James walk briskly down the corridor. Mason turned away and went back to the potions closet. He had a nurse to console.

James had Lily to get home too. As he was walking toward the staffroom, he calculated he could be home at one if he hurried. A quick shower and a last minute check of the little boy in room 612 should have him at the apparition point at one. He thought briefly of skipping a shower; he smelled his robes and quickly changed his mind. He must have fallen in a vat of broomspur.

Surprisingly, everything did go as he planned, and he was standing outside the door to his house at 12:58. He contemplated rushing through the door to find her and then reconsidered that plan too.

Surprisingly, that plain white door looked a lot better when he knew Lily was on the other side. James wondered what the house would look like now that she had moved in. Undoubtedly she had rearranged things. There was no way two people could combine homes without some redecoration, especially not Lily. She came equipped with enough Christmas decorations to decorate three houses the size of this one.

James sighed as he tapped his wand against the door for entry. She would probably be in the living room, sitting in that big armchair watching television or napping. He could tell her about the miserable day he had, and she would definitely be sympathetic. Most likely things could progress from there quite nicely. The day was definitely looking up.

When James walked in, the sconces on the walls flared to life, illuminating the room in shaky candlelight.

The room looked exactly the same. James felt his chest tighten and he felt a terrifying moment of panic before he spotted a pink cardigan draped on the back of cozy armchair. He checked the kitchen for any other signs of her before going upstairs. He walked in the bedroom to find her sleeping soundly. All he could see of her was a pale arm dangling of the side of the bed and red hair strewn across her pillow.

James groaned. He had ended his shift early only to find Lily asleep. Wonderful. Seeing no way around it the situation, at least no way that didn't make him look like a complete prick, he changed and crawled into bed next to her.

At least they were sleeping next to each other. Something had to be said for at least being in the same room, James supposed. He was definitely going to kill someone if he got a call from the hospital to intern the next night.

* * *

Lily more or less slept like a rock. She woke up once when James's flailing hand hit her shoulder, and again when a terribly loud beeping noise ripped through the silence. Automatically, she hit the table next to her, expecting to hit her alarm's off button. Opening her eyes, she realized the alarm was on James's side. She made an odd groan and rolled over to squint at the alarm. When she didn't see a button clearly labeled 'off', she began pushing buttons and sliding switches until it finally quit ringing.

Then, she flopped back and stared at the ceiling.

She could handle getting up in the morning when it was her alarm, but when it was someone else's, she was dealing with an entirely different situation. She turned to look at the clock, and after she squinted enough, she could see that it read 6:45.

"Fifteen minutes before my alarm. Beautiful." The only thing more annoying than an alarm was waking up just a few minutes before you were really supposed to get up. There wasn't enough time to go back to sleep, and there was definitely a feeling of being cheated out of a few minutes of rest.

She gave up on the idea of napping for a few minutes, and rubbed her eyes and fished her glasses of the night stand on her side. She looked around and noted James had thrown some clothes on the floor and she heard the sound of water running in the bathroom. She was supposed to meet Millie for the apparition test at eight thirty, so she decided to go ahead and get haul herself out of bed.

Lily grabbed her bathrobe and groaned when she realized everything she needed to get ready in the morning was in the bathroom. She had to admit, she did want to check him out in the shower, but she didn't really want to be caught doing it. With a firm resolve to not noticeably stare, she knocked on the door and called, "James? Can I come in? I need my stuff."

There was no reply.

"James? Are you alive in there?"

Still nothing.

She sighed and wondered what weird thought was going through his mind now. Maybe he was going to fly out of the shower and have his undoubtedly wicked way with her at six fifty. If so, she really wished she could have brushed her teeth first.

Drawing up some resolve, she cracked the door open enough to peek inside and check that he wasn't sprawled dead and naked on the floor. Seeing neither situation, she stepped in. Through the glass of the cloudy shower doors, she could see a big, tan lump.

She assumed that was James.

Lily got her contact case, toothbrush, and shower supplies, and waited for him to say something. Then a thought crossed her mind: maybe he had fallen asleep. She was known to doze off once in awhile when she was especially tired. Perhaps he had too.

That was definitely it. An evil thought crossed her mind, and a split-second later, she rapped on the shower glass. The tan lump jumped and nearly fell. "Awake now?" she asked.

"Lily? Oh. Yes, I'm awake now. Thanks."

"Anytime. It's six fifty if it matters."

"Thanks," he muttered.

Lily grinned and left for the downstairs bathroom. It was just too bad those shower doors were frosted.

* * *

She was still smiling when she emerged from the bathroom thirty minutes later, dressed and prepared for the day. Lily found James in the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal reading the newspaper.

"Good morning. It's nice to see you awake, James."

"I don't normally sleep in the shower. I don't know what came over me."

"My guess would be drowsiness."

James smiled and rose to get her a bowl. "Porridge or flakes?"

"I'll risk the flakes. They don't have mold, do they?"

"No," he answered while adding milk, "but the milk looks a bit lumpy."

"_What_?" Lily snatched the milk carton out of his hand in unmasked horror and looked inside before cautiously smelling it. "It is _not_! Lumpy milk is gross, James."

"I'm not a complete clod. I stocked up on bread, cheese, meat, milk, and cereal before you came. Oh, and eggs. I figure if nothing else we can eat them raw."

"If we get that desperate, I'll wait until you die and then turn cannibal."

"Morbid in the morning describes you perfectly. You know, though, since I'll be eating the raw eggs, I'll live longer. You'll be the first to go."

"Then we'll have to wait for Sirius to kick it."

"Remus would be better. He'd have more of a wild game taste."

Lily laughed and walked to the table with her bowl of cereal. "He'd have to go before the full moon, or he'd devour us all."

"Good point. That leaves Millie and Peter. My vote it to let Peter live."

"I'm not surprised. What time do you have to leave?"

"I have class at nine. What are you planning on doing today?"

"Millie and I are taking our apparating tests today, and then I have to get some stuff from Petunia's."

"Oh."

"Will you have to be gone late again tonight?"

"No. At least, I'm not supposed to. I normally only have to work in the hospital three days a week, and I generally do it on Monday, Tuesday, and Tuesday. Yesterday wasn't my day, but they were understaffed, and we poor peons can be stuck with the crappy jobs nobody else wants to do. Some of it makes lumpy milk look good."

Lily grimaced, "That sort of thing would not be my cup of tea."

"Ummm, Lily?"

"Yeah?"

James ducked his head and stirred his cereal around. "I'm really sorry I didn't get home before you went to bed last night, and I'm sorry I didn't get to meet you like I promised. I would have, and I had planned on it, but we were told we had to stay in class, so I didn't have a choice." He finally looked up, "I'm very glad you're here. If I had been you, I might've left."

"Then I suppose we're lucky the situation wasn't reversed. I understand you couldn't help it."

"It's not a very good way to start out."

"Me hitting the shower door and scaring you out of your skin probably wasn't an exceptional way to start either."

"At least I didn't fall and hurt myself."

"That's true. I imagine that would hurt."

* * *

"You look like you would rather cut off your own arm than go to Petunia's," Millie observed.

They had both passed their tests a few minutes ago, and now they were standing near the authorized apparition point at the Ministry of Magic. Millie would be going home, and Lily felt like she would be going home for the last time. She was going to explain her choice to Petunia and gather her things. Most likely, Petunia would be furious. Lily was fairly certain her sister would allow the incident to blow over once she realized how much Lily loved James.

"I've never dreaded anything so much. I feel sick."

"If it makes you feel better, your hair looks cute today."

Lily tried a weak laugh. "I'm going to go and get this over with. Bye Mills."

"Good luck. I'm sure it will be fine."

"Thanks"

Lily's apprehension at her first time apparating without supervision was very minor compared to the sick dread that balled in her stomach about her visit with Petunia.

She knew Petunia's home well, and appeared in a part of her garden that was completely masked by a few trees. As she walked to the front door, she felt immense fear. After a few moments, Petunia answered the door in old work clothes smudged with dirt.

"Lily! Just in time to help me move furniture."

"Perfect timing, I see," Lily said weakly.

Lily helped her sister rearrange the furniture, and afterward she collapsed on the sofa.

"What's wrong, kiddo? I thought you were staying with a friend?"

"I was…am. Petunia, I need to talk to you."

Petunia sat quickly and looked worried. "Lily, why are you so upset? Did something happen?"

"I haven't been completely honest with you lately. I'm sorry about it, but it was easier when I didn't tell you." Lily closed her eyes and ran a hand over her face. "The friend I am living with is James." She looked up and saw Petunia frozen in horror. "I'm going to marry him, also. He asked me a couple of weeks ago."

Lily heard the quiver in her voice and she felt like sobbing. "I'm sorry if you feel betrayed, but I love him. I love him so much. Please understand."

"You're not just betraying me; you are betraying our parents, Lily."

"They would want me to be happy."

"Not with that beast! They would want you to be happy with a decent man!"

"He's a good person. If you only knew him, you would see that."

"I _do_ know him, Lily. I cannot stand that creature. He isn't like you. You will never be happy with him."

"Then let me find it out on my own. If it's puppy love, I'll need time to figure that out."

"God, Lily, what are you trying to do to yourself?"

"I'm trying to be happy!" she screamed. Her breathing became more ragged and tears were flooding her voice, "The only times I've been happy since Mum and Dad died are those when I've been with James. Even if you don't agree, it's how I feel. When I'm with him, I feel how I did before the wreck. He needs me and I need him. I need him so I can be me. I'm not going to change my mind on this."

"I can see that. You are being unreasonable, Lily. You're a smart girl. Why won't you take off your blinders so you can see what you're doing?"

"I _can_ see and I like it. Can't you just give up your stupid idea that big sis knows best? I want the opportunity to be happy, and you're trying to stop me. You and I are not alike; we don't think alike and we don't want the same things. I want James. I wish you could understand that. I don't want you to hate me or him. I wish you could accept him."

"I will never accept a person like that, Lily. Never."

"Then you will never accept me. I'll just get my things and leave. Where are they?"

"The cupboard under the stairs. That's where I would like to stash that monster you think you love."

Lily looked at her sister with hurt in her eyes. "You don't mean that." She saw equal amounts of hurt in her Petunia's eyes mingled with anger and resolution. Lily shrunk all the boxes before dropping them in her pockets. "Please don't, Petunia."

"Leave and go back to him. I'm going to watch Lily Evans walk out that door and I'm never going to see her come back. I will never know a woman called Lily Potter."

"Goodbye, Petunia. I love you," Lily whispered and hugged Petunia. She knew it was the last time.

"I used to love you."


	30. Pasion, Parents, Sirius, and Salads

When Lily got home, she felt as if her world had fallen in on her. Her chest had that suspiciously tight feeling, as if someone was sitting on her, just as she had when her parents died. She felt battered and bruised, like she had lost a fight. It took every ounce of her strength to crawl onto the couch and lie down.

She laid there for hours and let her mind roll over the events of the day. For the longest time, all she could think was that her life was over. How could she possible go on without her sister? Petunia and Lily were not terribly close, but they were the only portion of their English family left. Lily allowed her misery to build and boil until she reached the point that simple tears couldn't release her.

She angrily threw a pillow against the wall. A magazine soon followed, and before she knew it, she was in a full fit of temper. Without thought, she stomped, threw, and ripped things in an effort to make the anger leave her body. Lily only stopped when she noticed the picture frame in her hand. It was old picture she assumed Remus had taken, because Sirius, James, and Peter were all flinging snow at her while she tried to hide behind a tree. Lily sat the frame down and sunk to the floor in defeat and cried. She cried for more than just Petunia's betrayal; she cried for everything that had gone wrong. She cried for her parents and her dreams of being an Auror. She cried for poor Barty and that time she failed a Transfiguration test. She cried for the time she fell down in the middle of the courtyard and the Slytherins laughed at her. She cried until After the tears finally ran dry, she felt exhausted and drained.

It was nearly three in the afternoon before Lily was finally able to haul herself out of the pool of misery and despair she had been swimming in. She thought of James and what kind of toll her emotions would take on him when he realized the extent of her devastation. Somehow she knew that she would be able to get over this, but she didn't think James could handle her uncertainty and sadness this early in their relationship.

It took a lot of effort to begin her task, but she repaired all of the damage she had wrought in a fairly short amount of time. A quick _reparo_ could do wonders. After that, she stared miserably at the boxes of belongings from Petunia's. Lily normally thought arranging things was a fun activity, but she wasn't looking forward to this. She didn't want to see things that her mother had purchased or her father had fixed. Lily reluctantly unpacked one box of her things, but decided to save the other boxes for a time when she could enjoy it more. She neatly stacked three of the remaining boxes in a corner, but she removed one item from the fourth. It was a large snow globe with a small town remarkably similar to her own on the inside. Lily had always kept on a shelf in her room all through the year, but in this house she decided to place it on the mantle.

"Isn't it a little early for Christmas decorations, Lily?"

Lily jumped and clutched the snow globe protectively against her chest. "James! You startled me." She placed the globe where it belonged and turned to him. "I think it's nice to have a reminder of Christmas all year long. It reminds us what life should be about."

"What should life be about?"

"Kindness and happiness and, of course, Christmas decorations."

James grinned and sat his backpacks and a grocery bag he held in his hands in a chair. "When will you start putting up all the real decorations?"

"I usually wait until Halloween, but after that I can make no guarantees."

"You'll need plenty of time to cover everything in ribbons and pine boughs. I'll let Sirius know it won't be safe to fall asleep here."

Lily smiled, and it was just a little shaky. "Can you imagine him covered in twinkling lights and a big, red bow?"

"Sadly enough, yes." James looked uncomfortable and he ran a hand through his hair awkwardly. "Since I got home earlier than usual, I thought maybe we could try fixing dinner together."

Lily couldn't help but laugh. She couldn't begin to imagine James cooking, and she knew what the results were when she cooked, and she figured the combination of the two would be hilarious. "Let's give it a try. The worst thing that could happen would be, well-."

"A fire?" James finished. Lily nodded.

James had borrowed a cookbook from his parents' cook, and opened it to a recipe he had suggested: Tarragon Chicken Salad. It took only ten minutes to prepare and and a quick blast of the wand would have it chilled. Moulton claimed it was foolproof, and Mr. Moulton knew everything about cooking, so he told James to make a Damson and Apple Tansy to really wow Lily.

The chicken started out innocently enough. Lily mixed the dressing and James assembled the salad.

"Do you think this chicken needs to be cooked?" James asked and examined the box.

"Noooo, probably not. It's probably pre-cooked since it's in a box. Just warm it up a bit."

He shrugged and did as she said. Lily did a splendid job with the dressing, and both were feeling tremendously pleased with themselves when they sat down with their plates. The grinned in satisfaction at each other, clicked their glasses in salute to a job well-done, and took a bite of the salad.

They studiously refrained from looking at each other as they chewed until James said, "Lily, I don't think this was pre-cooked."

They looked at each other, still chewing slowly, and simulataneously spit the food out onto their plates.

"Ahh, perhaps we should cook that chicken."

"How?" James asked. "That wasn't in the cookbook."

"I guess just stick it in a pan. It's already sliced, so it shouldn't take long."

They picked out the chicken and put it in a pan with a little butter, and they mutually agreed that the Tansy was off the menu for the night. Instead, Lily produced some pudding cups from a cabinet and went into the living room to let an owl in. In the time it took her to walk a couple meters, let the owl in, give it some food, and open her letter from the Ministry notifying her they had received her application, James wreaked havoc.

The butter snapped on his bare arm and then on his shirt. James cursed and grabbed a dish towel to dab at his arm and then at his shirt. When he finally removed his attention from his favorite t-shirt, he noticed the ends of the towel were singed. James hurriedly threw the towel in the sink and was thankful the disaster was diverted. Unfortunately, in his distraction he hit the pan with his other arm. James yelled with frustration and began searching for his wand.

Lily walked back into the kitchen only to see her future husband lying on his stomach under the table. "Do I want to know what happened?"

"The damned pan burned me. I hate cooking. I am_ not_ doing this again."

"So why are you under the table?"

"My wand rolled under here." James emerged looking tried beyond belief. He glanced toward the stove and began cursing again. "The bloody chicken is burned."

"Let's call it blackened and eat the salad before my birthday."

"Deal."

As they ate, James told her about classes that day, and Lily talked about all the weird people taking their Apparating tests. When they were washing dishes in the sink, James asked quietly, "What happened with Petunia?"

He had to ask. "I got my stuff."

"Before you got your stuff."

"I helped her move furniture."

"After the furniture and before you got your stuff," he said sharply.

"We argued some."

James raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Why are you so curious?"

"Why are you trying to hide something from me? I hate it when people try to hide things from me, and you're hiding. I can tell. You look like you've been kicked."

"Petunia said if I came back here with you she never wanted to see me again." Lily paused before adding," I didn't want you to know. I didn't want your feelings to be hurt."

She watched his eyes widen and then narrow and his expression changed to something a littledarker. "Then why did you come back?"

"I would think that was rather obvious. You're more important to me than she is. I can live without Petunia."

"You can easily live without me."

"Can you live without me?" Lily asked it without aggression and tilted her head to the side to watch him.

"I have been, haven't I?"

"Why are you acting like this?"

"I don't want you to make a decision you'll regret. I will not be able to stand living with you if you're unhappy about Petunia. I can't live with someone who is unhappy, who doesn't want to be with me."

"James, I want to be with you. I will be happy with you, and I'm not going to regret this decision. Please believe that." Lily stepped closer to him and kissed him.

"But she's the only part of your family left."

"We can pretend Sirius ismy sibling. He is even weirder than she is."

James laughed and leaned down to kiss her. "For some terrifying reason, that assured me."

"That _is_ terrifying." Lily smiled up at him. "I really do love you," she and smoothed his eyebrows with her thumbs. When his eyelids closed, she brushed her fingertips over his eyelids.

"I love hearing someone say they love me. I love you, too."

She couldn't help but laugh and place a hand on his cheek, "You're the very devil sometimes."

"But even the wickedest holds some charm, am I right?"

"I suppose I'll just have to find out."

That was a challenge James couldn't resist.

Lily was quickly caught up in a web of passion that caused her to forget the events of the terrible morning of Petunia and anything else that might have crossed her mind. All of her senses became overwhelmed by James and time seemed to lose its usual constant rhythm. It seemed in a split second hands were tugging at clothes and grappling with fastenings, but hours later they were still lingering over each other with maddening slowness.

She had never despised the alarm more than when it rung that morning and ended the night.

Lily and James sighed in unison.

"Identifying infectious diseases has never sounded so revolting."

"Taking applications to the review department sounds equally bad."

"Are either of you going to turn that alarm off, or are you planning on a lie-in?'

Lily's eyes shot open. "James? Is that _Sirius_?"

"Of course it is. Who else barges in other people's homes? Bloody moocher can't buy his own box of cereal," James muttered. He pulled on some clothes and slipped out the closed door. "Do you want something?"

"I just came to eat breakfast with my favorite couple. I brought the breakfast."

"What are you up to?" James asked suspiciously.

"I was just curious to see what you two were up to," Sirius said. He sat the bag of food on the table and began getting out place settings for two.

"What possessed you to do that?"

"You know, I thought you would be in a good mood."

"I might have been if you hadn't come over before we even got up."

"You were awake; the alarm was going off."

"Sirius, sometimes I want to wring your neck."

"I forgive you. Anyway, here's your breakfast. I actually just needed to tell you your mother has been hounding me for the past two days about Lily."

"What?"

"She owled me both days and then she actually apparated yesterday."

"Why?"

"She wants to know what Lily's like. I guess I'm the only reliable source she has. I thought she was going to maul me for information."

James stared blankly out the window for a moment until a paralyzing thought crossed his mind. "What if she comes over here?"

"I guess she'll meet Lily."

"We'll have to go over there…in a few days. What a disaster."

"I think it'll be fine," Sirius said with a short smile. "I'm leaving; tell Lily good morning for me."

"Fine, thanks for breakfast." James went back upstairs with every intention of salvaging the morning, but Lily was already showered and dressed. He grumbled something unintelligible and took his own shower, cursing Sirius and his meddling all the while. By the time he had showered, Lily was finishing her hair and ready to go downstairs. "Sirius brought breakfast for us."

"I'll wait for you then." James really thought she wasn't going to say anything else until she finally said, "Aren't a tiny bit sorry you called him a moocher? He brought breakfast. That's cute, James."

"Fine, he's just a meddler."

"Perhaps," she agreed. "Did he actually have a reason for visiting?"

James winced and muttered, "He told me my mother has been asking about you."

"Oh. Is, uh, she not happy about our situation?"

"I expect she's thrilled. I'm not thrilled with her involvement."

"All mothers are curious about their children's affairs."

"We should probably visit her."

"Okay."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"Ummm...just let me know what day."

"That wasn't what I wanted to hear."

* * *

James's body spent the day attending medical classes, but his mind was in an entirely different world. In fact, he was fairly certain his subconscious self drifted from one level to another for six consecutive hours. It was a known fact that James Potter was a worrier, but even to him, this amount of mulling was ridiculous. Perhaps the most absurd part was that he couldn't settle between dwelling on positive events or worrying about all the bad things. 

He was pretty sure the bad things outweighed the good. In truth, the good was only like a tiny pinprick of light in the middle of a pitch-black room.

His primary concern was his family. James had to admit they acted marginally more normal than they had in the past, but they were still not in Lily's league. He couldn't imagine what would happen. Well, actually, he could, and that was the frightening part. His father would look her up and down and ask embarrassingly personal questions, and his mother would be so obnoxious and overbearing that Lily would think James had sprouted another head. Obviously anyone belonging to such an odd family couldn't be anywhere near normal. Most likely, Lily would pack up her things and leave.

And then there was Petunia. James felt like visiting Surrey and throttling her. Why did she have to act like that? Would it have been so hard to relieve Lily of the guilt she felt and let all parties involved be happy? There was no point of holding a grudge of that magnitude; it would only break of the Evans family even more. James knew what it was like to feel like a piece of you was missing due to a lack of family, and he couldn't imagine anybody else willingly entering that situation, especially Lily. She loved her sister, and James had the impression Petunia reciprocated that feeling. Why would Lily walk away from all that just to be with him?

Both of those things boiled down to taking the only good thing away from him: Lily. He was becoming so attached to her so quickly that he wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if he woke up a morning a week in the future and found himself sewn to her. James realized he was in a pretty sad state if he was already so entranced, but he couldn't help but be drawn to her. He had spent an obscene amount of time staring at her while she was sleeping the night before. His analysis concluded she was very possibly the most dazzling woman to ever walk the earth. Lily also clicked her teeth while she was sleeping, and that was just a tiny bit distracting. After gritting her teeth for a few minutes, she would fall absolutely silent, and that was even more disconcerting. That's when he did the majority of his staring. At one point, she woke up while he was studying her, and looked at him questioningly before falling back asleep.

During all of that staring, he had fallen under some spell she had cast, and he doubted he could ever let her go. At one point he even decided an unhappy Lily would be better than no Lily. He would probably latch on to her ankles and make her drag him out the door. That made him worry about the first two points even more.

By the time his classes for the day had ended, he decided to confront both issues as best as he could by himself.

First, he went to his house to speak to his parents. One of the servants gathered them in a sitting room, and James began pacing.

"Do you want to tell us something," Mr. Potter asked, "or would you prefer to walk your way through the floor?"

"I have several points, actually. The first is that I know you went to find out about Lily from Sirius." James glared at his mother.

"I knew he would tell you."

"Of course he would. This is important. Do you two want to meet her?"

"I would personally like to at least know what my future daughter looks like before the blessed day," Mr. Potter answered with no little amount of sarcasm.

"You have seen her before. Both of you have. I asked if you wanted to meet her."

"Of course we do. Personally, the wait is killing me," James mother said, and she leaned forward on the sofa. "Shall we stop by for a visit?"

"No, I'll bring her here. Only if you two meet my conditions."

His father sighed a suffering sigh. "I knew this was inevitable."

"You two _have_ to be nice to her. Don't be rude or ask her unseemly questions. Sir, this especially means you. And for God's sake, don't stare at her when you first meet her. Don't pick on her, and do _not_ ask about her family. Understood?"

"Of course, James," his mother murmured. She seemed like she was fighting an inner battle, but then she lost. "Have you two set a date yet?"

"For what?"

"Your wedding?"

James was fairly certain he looked like a fish as his mouth opened and closed soundlessly. He had forgotten about getting married. He thought he was making exceptional progress on the Lily front, and he did not want to overextend his forces. "Well, we haven't set a date," he said slowly, "but we haven't really discussed it, either."

"Are you two even planning on getting married, or are you just shacking up for a long term dirty weekend?"

James shot a scathing glare at his father. "That was entirely uncalled for. I'm sure we'll get married at some point. We've just been busy; she only got out of Hogwarts the day before last."

"I always say that if an engagement lasts more thana year and a half,a wedding will never happen," his mother supplied.

"We'll get married," James said calmly.

"I would hate for her to slip through your fingers."

"I would too, which why I am terrified about her meeting you two."

"We'll be good, James. Bring her over Friday night. We'll eat dinner at eight."

"Please stick to that." _Please._

The second stop was to Petunia's. He had his battle strategy mapped out: first he would ooze charm and then he would ooze anything else that required Petunia to cave. By the time he left, James had every intention of making Petunia a willing sister-in-law.

It was Petunia who answered the door, and she looked incredibly perturbed. She held a pot in her hand, and for a moment he thought she was going to clobber him. "I'm cooking dinner."

"I won't stop you. May I come in, Petunia?"

Petunia made a sound of frustration and walked away from the door. James followed her into the kitchen and watched her work at the stove for a moment. "Do you enjoy cooking?"

"It really doesn't matter since we have to eat and Vernon doesn't cook."

"Why are you so against my relationship with Lily? She will be happy with me. I love her and I'll take care of her. She doesn't have to cook or clean. Once I take a full time position with the hospital, working will be optional. My family is wealthy, so we will never have to worry about not having a home. I'm certainly not going to mistreat her. I just don't see a problem."

Petunia turned toward him with a spatula in her hand and heaved a deep and agitated sigh before saying, "I would rather she live with a beggar in a cardboard box than in a mansion with you."

James raised his eyebrows inquiringly.

"She can have every material item in the world, but when you're the person sharing them with her, she won't be happy. Vernon and I are alike. We have the same interests and the same views. We both want a child and we both want to take a firm position in our community. You and Lily have nothing in common besides that weird school. You want different things in life. She wants to laugh and enjoy herself; I doubt you even know what it's like to be happy."

James frowned. "I'm happy when I'm with her. We will develop common goals. Can't you understand that we want to be with each other?"

"No, I truly can't. I can't imagine a sweet, loving girl like my little sister trapping herself with a depressing monster like you."

"What would it take to convince you I'm not like that?"

"A personality transplant," Petunia answered steadily. She turned back to her cooking and James recognized the dismissal.

"Fine. I accept that you don't like me. If you want, you can call me names and hate me until I die, but can't you look past that for Lily? Couldn't you continue to love your sister even though she loves me?"

Petunia turned and looked him squarely in the face. "No, because hating you will last much longer than your life. I will gladly detest your memory long after you're dead."

That made two people. She and Snape could form a club. "Will you hate Lily?"

"No, and I don't hate her now. I just can't watch her throw away her life with you. She is a smart, beautiful, talented girl who has a tremendous amount of potential, but she's wasting herself on you. She'll turn into a middle-aged woman desperate to escape the life she lives, but with no way out."

James shook his head as he thought the woman Petunia described would actually turn out to be herself. "I can't believe you're turning your back on her."

"It's like a horror movie; at some point I just have to change the channel. Why don't you leave now, Potter? There will be no changing my mind."

"You're hurting yourself most of all; you're missing out on knowing Lily. I'm sure she will forgive you if you change your mind. Good evening." James didn't bother walking any further than the hallway before he disapparated.

Petunia shook her head with regret. She couldn't imagine never seeing her vibrant sister again, but at least she would never be required to see James Potter ever again.

* * *

A/N: Apparently I have one foot in the insane asylum, because I can't seem to get this ignorant chapter right. I think I have it edited correctly again only to find words in inappropriate places and bad punctuation. Let's not forget that my chapters are still messed up! Nobody would believe the amount of talking to myself I've done trying to fix it. 


	31. Parents and Parties

James felt he had done his part to make this evening go smoothly. He had brought Lily flowers earlier to bolster her for this trying event. He had patiently waited for her to try on three different robes with matching shoes. He dutifully gave his opinion on each, and when she chose one, it was he who helped her decide between two pairs of shoes.

Before she got ready, they had made wedding plans. James had no doubt his parents were going to ask them about it and insinuate that the marriage would never take place, so he had asked Lily if she had given it any thought. The crazy woman had pulled out a notebook. They would be getting married on Christmas Eve at three in the afternoon, that way people would still have plenty of time to get home for their Christmas celebrations. Millie be her attendant and wear a red knee length, long sleeved dress. James could, of course, choose his own best man. There was a small chapel near her old home that would be darling, and a bit of garland with white lights would make perfect decoration. She had researched magical weddings and felt its components could easily be woven into a Muggle wedding ceremony.

When he had asked her how long she had held these plans, she replied that these details had been decided when she was fourteen.

James was not going to mess with that.

At six thirty five they had apparated to his parents' garden behind the house in London, and he was beginning to think she wasn't going to make the short walk to the front door. She had been calm leading up to what promised to be a grand farce, but now Lily seemed to be unraveling. She was always excitable, but this was a display of undiluted anxiety. After the ordeal of choosing robes and shoes, she had made sure every single curl looked perfect. Immediately after they had apparated, she ran a hand through her hair and her curls instantly regained their tousled appearance. James was not about to comment on it.

"Do I have any lint on my robes?"

James knew how this would go. He dusted off her already clean shoulder. "You look perfect. I'm sure they'll love you. In fact, there's no doubt in my mind that they'll love you twice as much as they love me."

"Then why have you been so antsy these past few days?"

"Antsy?" James repeated in disbelief. "I am worried you won't like them."

Lily suddenly swung around so they were facing and kissed him. "I won't leave you if you won't leave me."

"I'm pretty sure there's no way you could possibly get rid of me."

"Good. I like that. Since there's no getting rid of either of us, why don't we beard the lions in their den?"

James took her hand and knocked on the front door and mentally prepared himself for the first disaster that would surely occur. Mrs. McGrievy, the housekeeper, opened the door with a curious smile.

"Your mother and father are waiting for you in the sitting room off the dining room."

"Mrs. McGrievy, this is Lily Evans. We're going to be married in a few months."

Lily stepped inside the doorway and murmured, "It's nice to meet you, Mrs. McGrievy."

"And it's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Evans. James, I'll leave you to your parents."

Mrs. McGrievy trotted off, James figured to spread the news about Lily, and the two of them meandered to the sitting room. "Are you ready?"

Lily nodded and then smiled slightly when he squeezed her hand.

James opened the door, and he felt absurdly proud to have her walk into that room with him. She smiled so convincingly that he would never have known she was nervous beyond belief. "Lily, these are my parents. Mother, Sir, this is Lily Evans."

"Lily, it's wonderful to see you again," Mrs. Potter said as she rushed forward to hug Lily.

"It's nice to see you, too, Mrs. Potter." Lily responded. This was certainly a warm welcome.

"Do call me Emmaline. James, come here and meet Lily."

Lily raised her eyebrows, but then she understood when the blond-haired man stepped forward.

"I would suggest you call me James," he said as he grasped one of Lily's hands between both of his own, "but that could become very confusing. It's lovely to finally meet you, Lily."

"Thank you." Lily was very wary of this man. He seemed charming and sophisticated. He was dressed in navy robes that were the height of fashion but not frilly or overdone, and he was still very handsome despite his age. Most importantly, though, he had deeply hurt James over and over again.

"Come and sit down. We'll have dinner in just a few minutes, but in the mean time I can't wait to get to know the remarkable Miss Evans." Mr. Potter cupped Lily's elbow and led her over to a sofa, and he sat opposite of her next to his wife. James followed quickly and he sat on the couch in such a hurry that Lily nearly fell over. She raised an eyebrow and he just shrugged in response.

The four of them looked around at each other expectantly, but Mrs. Potter finally broke the silence by asking, "Do you plan to pursue a career?"

James winced, but if Lily found it an odd question, she didn't indicate it. "I submitted my Hit Witch applications today. I hope to enter the fall training session."

Mr. Potter's jaw dropped just a minuscule amount. "Isn't that a bit dangerous?"

"No more dangerous than flying around on a broomstick like James does," Emmaline replied. "I say good for you, dear. We need more women in fields like that."

"Thank you." That was a surprising turn of events. Lily figured Mrs. Potter was the sort who believed all women should be stay at home mothers. "I wanted to be an Auror, but England doesn't allow it. Nearly all of the countries on the Continent do, though."

"That's a shame. I'm sure you'll do excellently, though. Do you have any hobbies?"

Lily thought for a moment, "I can't say that I do. In my spare time I enjoy reading, sleeping, and watching the telly. Quite unremarkable, really."

"Ahh," Mrs. Potter was clearly thrown for a loop. "Well, I happen to enjoy music. Perhaps sometime you'll allow me to give you lessons, or James could; he is quite accomplished at the piano. Perhaps he'll play some for us after dinner?"

Lily looked toward Mr. Potter, "Please do. I would love to hear you."

"I'm not the accomplished one," he smiled. "It would be the one next to you."

"James?" Lily asked with a lot of doubt. "You play the _piano_? Why didn't you say something?"

"Because I didn't want to. Thank you, Mother, for bringing that up."

"Of course."

"So…will you play?" Lily asked. She turned to face him and rested a hand on his knee. "I have to admit I'm very interested. I doubt I could let this go. Just one song? Just a single round?"

"Is there any chance you'll forget about it after we eat?"

"None at all."

"Can I just do it now and get it over with?"

"By all means," his mother interrupted. "Why don't we take a short detour to the music room?"

"Why don't we?" James mimicked sourly. He and Lily followed his parents to another room, and while they were walking, he whispered, "I can't believe you did that to me."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me you could play the piano? Do you have other secret talents you're hiding?"

"Why don't we have a talk about that when we get home? Or rather, I'll show you."

"I don't mean that!" said Lily with embarrassment. His parents were a meter in front of them. He couldn't say what she thought he was going to.

"Mean what?"

"You know what I mean," she hissed.

"I wasn't!"

"You have other talents?"

"Why do you sound so surprised?"

"James, stop being deliberately obtuse and tell me."

"Excuse me for being in a bad mood for being put on display like a…a trophy!" James sounded so disgruntled that she laughed.

"You're quite the catch alright, but," Lily stood on her toes to whisper in his ear, "if you play, we can snog in that nook in the wall on the way back to the dining room."

"The one with the statue of Agrippa in it?"

Lily nodded. James cracked his knuckles. "Do you have a musical preference, my dear? A little Schubert? A magical composer mayhap? Ahh, never mind, I know what you would like. I do resent being treated like a performing monkey, though."

"Stow it, Potter."

James ruffled her hair and approached the piano bench of the shiny, black instrument nestled between potted trees. Lily glanced around the room only briefly before training her gaze on James. Another time she would have to examine it more closely, because the gilded molding along the chair rail was really fabulous, but she was distracted by James. He tapped his wand on a box to produce a few crumpled sheets of music, and a few seconds later he was tapping out the opening notes of Tchaikovsky's _Waltz of the Flowers_. He glanced up and winked at her.

She watched his hands move back and forth impressively over the keys, and his dark hair kept falling into his eyes. Those hazel eyes kept meeting hers over the piano, and Lily realized she was being seduced with a scene from a Christmas ballet. She loved every second of it. When he ended the final notes, he raised his eyebrows. "Well?"

"That's beautiful, James," Lily said quietly and walked toward him. "And you're right, I love that song.

James kissed her temple and then cleared his throat. "Will we be going to dinner now?"

"Yes, it should be done," Emmaline answered after consulting the clock.

"We'll trail behind, I want to point out some of the artwork to Lily," James said, and as promised, pointed out some artwork a few meters behind his parents.

"Oh, look, there's that lovely statue of Agrippa. Let's take a closer look." Lily glanced at Mr. and Mrs. Potter, and then pulled James into the small space between the statue and the wall. "James, that piano is sexy," she said, frantically kissing him.

"I had no idea you were so interested in music."

"I'm not. I'm interested in you playing music. Stop talking."

Just about a half minute later, Emmaline turned and saw nobody following her. "Where are they?"

"I'm sure they'll be along quickly," her husband assured her. If his stepson wished to snog his fiancé in a statue nook, he certainly wasn't going to interfere.

"Lily, have you given any thought to wedding plans? I would love to help you. After meeting you, I have to say I can barely wait for the wedding."

"Neither can James," Mr. Potter muttered so lowly nobody except for James could hear him. James shot both parents a dirty look.

"Mother, didn't I tell you not to bother her with that?"

"It's fine. We made some plans this afternoon. Our wedding will be on December twenty fourth at three in the afternoon at a small chapel near my home."

Mrs. Potter raised her golden eyebrows in surprise and pursed her lips in obvious disapproval. "If that is what you wish," she said in such a tone that James wanted to strangle her. He knew that tone. It very clearly said _if you want to, dear, go on ahead, but it will be a tremendous mistake_. He also knew she horded up that tone on occasions where she wanted her opinion to be the only one that mattered.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing, if you're sure."

"Tell me what you don't like about that," Lily insisted, and James wanted to pry her eyelids open. Dear, sweet, innocent Lily had no idea what sort of manipulative control freak she was involving herself with.

"Well, darling, I am so excited about this wedding I can barely stand it, but I think Christmas Eve much too soon." Mrs. Potter sighed in fake regret, "People will think you're rushing into things too much, and five months isn't really enough time to plan the wedding of your dreams. Christmas isn't an exceptionally important holiday in the magical world like the Muggle world. The summer solstice would be a more suitable holiday."

"Getting married on _the summer solstice_?" Lily asked in a tone of such unmasked horror James laughed.

"Mother, it wouldn't be the same for Lily. Why not let her combine her two favorite things: Christmas and me?"

Lily didn't even notice James's comment. She was too appalled at the thought of getting married on the summer solstice. It was like a sick, cruel, disgusting joke that made her want to throw up the delicious crème brûlèe she had eaten earlier.

"It's a wizarding custom, James! I was married on the summer solstice, as were your grandparents on both sides. Everybody who is anybody will get married then."

"We won't," James said firmly. "Besides, that is a very long time away."

"It's always been my dream to see you married on the summer solstice. It's charming, the longest day of the year."

"That does have some appeal, James. That means the nights begin to get longer," Mr. Potter added.

"I am quite aware what happens after the summer solstice. We will get married on whatever day Lily chooses, even if it's April Fool's Day."

That made Lily giggle, and she was momentarily distracted. "If Sirius gets married, it will _have_ to be on April first."

"I wish you would think about moving the wedding to the summer solstice; I think you will enjoy it ever so much more. You won't have to rush, and you'll be able to make your plans at a leisurely pace and enjoy yourself. It will also be more convenient for others during the holidays."

James watched Lily slowly cave in. "It would be more convenient. I had thought of it before, but I thought if it was early enough it would be okay. I suppose no one will want to come to our wedding and leave their families and their holiday parties."

"That's what I was thinking."

"I suppose the summer solstice would be fine."

"I always did love June brides."

* * *

"I can't believe I caved in. Why did I do it?" Lily asked miserably. She flopped on the bed and stared at the ceiling. "I've always wanted a Christmas wedding, but something about what she was saying made me forget it."

"She has made a career out of manipulating people, and you were an easy target. Just tell her you want a Christmas wedding and that's that," James said, flipping through his side of the closet. "Hell, if you want, just send her an owl saying you changed your mind."

"I can't. I can't stand to see that disappointed look on her face. I'm weak."

"Are you going to spend the rest of her life letting her control you?"

"No, but this seems so important to her. She's always dreamed of you being married on the solstice. Maybe the Christmas thing is just a silly Muggle thing. I'm not living in the Muggle world anymore, and I need to adjust to the wizard holidays."

"Okay, if that's what you want."

"I think so. I don't know. This is too confusing. Why is everything so confusing? Even Sirius's party is too confusing, but that's your fault because you won't tell me what everyone else wears."

"I've already told you they wear everything," James grumbled, and finally pulled a shirt off of a hanger. He held it up and turned to Lily. "Does this match these pants?"

Lily sat up so fast James blinked. In a slightly scary way she walked over to him quickly and poked him in the chest. "What's this? Are you worried about what you're wearing? Well, I'm worried too. I will be mortified if I'm wearing something different than anybody else."

"Do you just want me to reach in the closet and grab something? That's the only solution I have, because nothing will be unusual with Sirius involved!"

"No, I don't want you to choose my clothing for me. I just want a clothing category."

"ANYTHING!"

Lily felt her eyes grow wide and her jaw dropped.

"I shouldn't have-." James began to apologize, but he stopped when he saw Lily laughing. "Why are you laughing?"

She sat on the floor when she could no longer trust herself to stand, and continued laughing. "You looked so…exasperated. It was priceless. It was like you were ready to tear out your hair."

"Since when is that new?"

"It was just funny this time. We should probably hurry, or everyone will have left by the time we get there." Lily flipped through her clothes from her position on the floor. "Robes or Muggle clothes?"

"Muggle clothes; that's what all of Sirius's crowd wears."

"Is your crowd and his crowd not the same?"

"Not really. I pretty much stick with a few close friends, but Sirius wants to be around everyone all the time. He would die without a social life. I, on the other hand, relish keeping my own company."

"You are such a drama queen," Lily muttered and changed her clothes.

* * *

"I would give you some advice, but I wouldn't want to risk being a drama queen," James said snootily when they walked into Sirius's flat. He had been in a snit ever since she had labeled him.

"I'm sure this will be interesting, so go ahead." Lily crossed her arms and looked up at him with amusement. A sudden stroke of insight furthered her perception of him to a dramatic mother hen, but she figured he wouldn't appreciate it if she pointed it out.

"I would like to begin by saying I can't believe you called me a drama queen. Moving past that, don't drink anything that you didn't see poured straight out of an unopened bottle, and don't make eye contact with anyone. Don't let anyone lure you outside, and – what are you looking at?"

"I'm trying not to make eye contact with anyone."

"I didn't mean me."

"Does that mean I can accept beverages from you, or am I not able to trust you not to slip something in it?"

"You can use your own judgment."

"Are you acknowledging I have judgment?"

"I'm just trying to protect you. What's so funny?"

Lily couldn't help but laugh. "James, I appreciate that, but you just told me the same things my mother told me when I was thirteen and going to my first boy/girl party."

James also crossed his arms and looked down with her with equal amusement. "I assure you, Sirius's friends are much more dangerous than the average thirteen year old boy."

"Are you included in that?" Lily batted her eyes at him and tried not to laugh again, "Big boy." As soon as the words left her mouth, they both burst into giggles. Lily had just settled down when looked at him and erupted again.

Sirius glided in their direction with two drinks in his hand and a grin on his face. "I was going to offer my favorite couple something to drink, but it looks like you're already half-pissed."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't accept a drink from you, Sirius. James told me not to. I didn't see you open the original container."

"I'm really going to regret I said anything, aren't I?"

"Definitely."

"I take back everything I said since we came here," James saw her open her mouth to argue, and interrupted, "except the part where I said you can use your own judgment."

"Very good. Sirius, this looks like a lovely party. I'm sure you two have something to gossip about, so excuse me, I see someone I know." Lily flashed them both a bright smile, took a cup out of Sirius's hand, and threaded her way through the crowd.

"I like her," Sirius said happily. "If she wasn't so perfect for you, I would probably trick her into living with me." James made an incoherent sound, so Sirius continued, "You know, I don't think I've seen you laugh like that in a few years. I hope to see more of it."


	32. Shocking But True

Chapter Thirty Two – Shocking But True

_"Love.__ What a small word we use for an idea so immense and powerful. It has altered the flow of history, calmed monsters, kindled works of art, cheered the forlorn, turned tough guys to mush, consoled the enslaved, driven strong women mad, glorified the humble, fuelled national scandals, bankrupted robber barons, and made mincemeat of kings. How can love's spaciousness be conveyed in the narrow confines of one syllable? Love is an ancient delirium, a desire older than civilization, with taproots spreading into deep and mysterious days. The heart is a living museum. In each of its galleries, no matter how narrow or dimly lit, preserved forever like wondrous diatoms, are our moments of loving, and being loved." – Diane Ackerman_

By December, James had concluded that he was very content. In fact, he was pretty certain he bordered perilously near happy. Shocking but true.

On the opposite note, Lily had concluded she would probably kill her mother-in-law before she turned twenty, providing she actually got married. That wasn't looking so hopeful at the moment. Lily had not envisioned a single thing in the world that could disrupt her wedding plans once she found her groom, but she had never before met Emmaline Potter.

Of course James was happy. His days were spent finishing his medical training and then his evenings and weekends were filled with fun with his friends and Lily. Lily, on the other hand, spent her daytime hours in wearying Hit Witch training and her evenings and weekends struggling with the wedding plans. She felt like struggle was a minor description of the ordeal. Every dream she had ever had for her wedding was being struck down like pesky mosquitoes. If she wanted red flowers, Emmaline informed her white was more appropriate. She wanted a white dress, Emmaline insisted on white robes. Lily begged for Muggle music, Emmaline cried until they had arranged for a magical string quartet. Lily was allergic to peanuts, but low and behold, the reception could not be a success without several peanut dishes. Who cared if the bride suddenly started choking and turning blue? Not Emmaline. This day was not going to be about Lily, her beliefs or traditions, or even her survival. This day was all about Emmaline Potter and her wishes for the social event of decade.

Lily could not help but feel bitter, and all the bitterness surfaced to James's eyes for the first time two days before Christmas.

He was idly toasting some marshmallows in the fireplace to the strains of the _White Christmas_ soundtrack on the telly. Outside, seventy three strings of white lights glowed brightly on their house, trees, and fence. Inside, the tree was up, garland was on every doorway, and mistletoe had been applied liberally. With a jerk of his wand, he brought the marshmallows back out of the fire and began wondering what he would be eating for supper that night.

James grinned when he heard the door open, and went to greet Lily with some gooey marshmallows. He had done a really superior job getting them golden brown all over. Not a burned spot on them. Lily would be proud. Unfortunately, the first glimpse of her expression alerted him that the marshmallows wouldn't be top bill on tonight's show.

"Er, bad day, dear?" James asked cautiously, taking in her disheveled appearance. She was still wearing the standard athletic uniform worn by Aurors and Hit Witches in training. She looked fairly clean except for the big stain on one of the legs of her sweats. Her hair looked like a disaster zone. Odd pieces were popping out from her messy bun. All in all, she looked like a rag lady.

She snorted without humor. "Bad day? A bad day is a walk in the park compared to today. I was eating lunch in the cafeteria, and all of a sudden an owl comes in, knocks over my plate of greasy pizza, and hence the stains on my shorts. That owl is from your very _dear_ mother who requested my presence immediately after training, due to some emergency. I worried through four more hours, and I get to her place, to find out the emergency was only that it was going to be a bigger hassle than expected to get the white orchids. You may ask why that doesn't concern me. Well, James, I _hate_ orchids! Well, I was pretty steamed, and I decided I wanted a walk through town. On my way, I walk past the dress store, and I see the perfect dress. I would slay dragons to have that dress. See, Mildred at the shop gave me a catalogue photo of it. Lovely, wouldn't you say?"

Lily waved the glossy picture in front of his face, but he could make out none of it.

"Well, I started thinking more about it, and I can't wear it because your mother chose some robes for me. She also chose music I don't like by a group I don't care about. I hate the food and flowers and the cake design and the bridesmaid dresses and what you're wearing and what Sirius is wearing and the location and the officiator and the invitations and the decorations and my shoes and the way I'm wearing my hair and the vows and the music to our first dance."

"Er, is there anything you do like?" James asked nervously.

"NO! There is not a single blessed thing I like at this wedding besides you and the Marauders. She even told me it would be best if Millie wasn't there. I don't like a single thing at this wedding because it's your mother's wedding, not mine. If we give her the chance, she'll pick out our wedding bands. We are _not_ getting married on June twenty first at some meadow in God knows where. I am not going to be married in some robes that don't even fit me properly in shoes I can't walk in to music that gives me a headache."

"Umm, when would you like to get married?"

"NEVER!"

"_What_?"

Lily finally dropped the gym bag she was carrying and walked closer to him. "I don't want to get married anymore. This is ridiculous; I have never been this miserable before. Let's just live together and forget about being married. It's not worth the hassle."

"It is too."

She laughed. "That's easy for you to say. You aren't the one having your dreams crushed. You aren't the one being driven out of your mind by the number of orchids we should order. You aren't the one dealing with your mother. You're the one toasting marshmallows, laughing it up with your friends, and engaging in a roll between the sheets every night. I'm sure I would be having fun if that was all I was doing."

"Now, listen, Lily, you're upset and you're just venting. You don't really want to call off the wedding."

"No, James, I am very serious. I am not going to be marrying you in June. Why don't we go sit down and we can talk about our options." Lily led a stony-faced James to the living room and perched on the coffee table opposite of him when he chose the couch. His face may have been blank, but his mind was racing. He would not be going down without a fight. "Here are my ideas. We could just not get married. We aren't the problem, the wedding is. Or, we could go to the Ministry and have a civil ceremony."

"No and no," James said firmly. "First of all, we are getting married. Second, a civil ceremony at the Ministry is the next step up from being unmarried. That isn't what you want. In Magic-Land, people only have weddings like that when they have something to hide, like a half-Muggle baby on the way, for example. Why not have the wedding you planned."

"Have you not been listening?" Lily asked impatiently. She got up from the table and flopped onto the couch next to him. "Your mother will interfere with that too. The only way we can have a wedding is if she is in Siberia without her wand or an owl or a fire."

"Why don't we just think about if for a little bit before we begin burning bridges? Let's go finished our Christmas shopping and talk about it some more in the morning. It'll work out."

"I really think we should resolve this now."

"Fine. You sit in here and resolve while I finish my shopping." James left the room to get his coat and scarf in preparation for venturing out into Muggle Grantham. When he returned to the living room, Lily was still sitting. He walked over to her and kissed her forehead. "You do realize it'll work out in the end. We'll get married and live happily ever after."

"What makes you think that?"

"That's what people do when they love each other."

"Cute."

"I thought you would enjoy it. Lily?"

"Hmm?"

James rested his forehead against hers and looked into the green eyes that held him so entranced. "I love you. Don't forget that when you're doing all that resolving."

"I won't. Don't forget you still haven't got anything for Remus."

"Damn, I had. Perhaps he won't notice if we just get him a lovely card."

"James."

"I know, I know. Bye, Lily."

"By James. Don't stay out too late; it's supposed to get really cold tonight."

James left the house and instead of Christmas shopping, he began putting his newly formed plan into action. First stop was the dress store to ask Mildred what dress Lily had been looking at.

_The Next Morning…Christmas Eve 1974_

"Liiiillllyyyyy, wake up!"

Lily groaned and rolled onto her side, facing Millie, who was strangely enough, sitting next to her on the bed. After she grappled with her glasses, Lily pushed her hair out of her face and muttered, "What are you doing here?"

"Waking you up, evidently. It's nine o'clock, only six hours until you get married. I brought you some breakfast. It's not much, but it'll hold you over for awhile."

Lily sat up so quickly she knocked a glass of milk out of Millie's hand. She grabbed her wand and hastily cleaned it up, and then asked carefully, "What are you talking about? I'm getting married? I think you're mistaken. Where is James, anyway?"

"Arranging the wedding would be my guess; no, I'm not mistaken; you and James are getting married at three."

She arranged herself more comfortably sitting up in bed. "We called the wedding off last night. We probably aren't even getting married."

"He explained the situation. Here, let's eat." Millie opened some bags and boxes, revealing frosted sugar cookies, doughnuts, and muffins. "Healthy, I know, but we don't have time for five star dining today. Now, listen carefully. Since you told him you were upset with the whole wedding slash Emmaline thing, he decided he would arrange your dream wedding today. It is Christmas Eve, after all. I didn't know Potter had something this romantic in him. The Marauders are all decorating today. He got our dresses last night; they're hanging on the door over there. I will pick up the flowers at half-noon, and the Potters House-Elves are arranging the dinner afterward. You, my dear, have nothing to worry about except looking pretty."

"James and I are seriously getting married today?"

"Yes."

"You're not pulling the mickey on me?"

"No."

"How could he do this? A wedding can't be sprung upon me like…like a trip to the grocery!"

"Just last night you were complaining how much work it was. Trust me, this will be perfect."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"In that case, it is rather sweet."

"That's the spirit; now, eat your breakfast."

"Oh yes, I wouldn't want to miss out on the eight hundred empty calories I'm about to consume. I guess it'll be the last time I'll be doing this single, though."

"You don't know about lunch yet, Lily."

_9:00 a.m. - St. George's _

_Stratford-Upon-Avon_

As soon as the doors shut behind the priest, James turned to Amos Diggory. "Did you deliver all of the invitations?"

"Yes. Your mother nearly fell over. Everybody said they would be here at two forty five. Several exclaimed over the _darling invitations_."

"They were rather nice, weren't they?" Sirius asked. "I made them, you know."

"You told the elf how to make them," Peter pointed out.

Sirius made a face, but acknowledged the point. The darling invitations in question were gingerbread wedding bells wrapped in burgundy cellophane tied with a gold ribbon. On the bells, in white frosting, was written _Please join in the celebration of the marriage of Lily A. Evans and James B. Potter at St. George's at three o'clock on Christmas Eve. _Attached was a small, identically shaped card, listing apparation and Flooing details.

"Where's Potter?"

"He's making some pepper-up potion. We're all weaving around like drunkards after being up all night, and after he started worrying about the smell of one of the trees, we sent him off. He's about to make himself sick," Remus answered. The three remaining Marauders were decorating the inside of the small church while Mason Dechamp was guarding the entrance from Muggles, as well as trying to put up some greenery around the doorway.

"Well, I'm off to see about the carolers and the rest of the musicians." Amos apparated with a dull pop and the Marauders resumed decorating.

_At the Evans-Potter residence _

_10:00 a.m._

"I don't understand how they can get it all done on time," Lily muttered, munching on a cookie and watching a movie on the telly. "I've spent months with Emmaline, and we're nowhere near finished."

"The Marauders can move mountains if they put their minds to it, and they have Amos and me and James's friend Mason as well as about half a dozen House-Elves. It won't be as elaborate or as grand as what you and Mrs. Potter were planning, but it'll be what you've dreamed of for years," Millie assured her.

"When should we get dressed?"

"We'll eat lunch at about half eleven, and then we'll start then. I don't think it'll take that long."

"Sounds good to me. Want another cookie?"

_St. George's_

_11:30_

Mason popped his head in the door, and saw James arranging flowers in the foyer. "One of the elves just apparated behind a shrub out here to tell me the cake was finished."

"Alright, thanks," James said distractedly, and mentally checked it off his list. The cake was done, which meant the rest of the food would begin being prepared now. The carolers were booked and scheduled to show up at two thirty to sing as the guests arrived. Most of the ceremony decorations were in place, and they were beginning on the outside. His and Sirius's outfits should be arriving from at two. The priest had a vague idea of the routine, just enough to get him by, and little enough to easily erase from his memory. The marriage license had been signed by both of them, courtesy of Millie. One of the deputy ministers was notified and should be there at three thirty for the magical portion of the ceremony. Everything was as smooth as glass.

He had even checked in with Millie several times via the mirrors he and Sirius used to make sure everything was going well. Glancing at his watch, the one Lily had given him two Christmases ago, he decided it was probably time to contact her again. He ran and got the mirror from the room he was using as a dressing room and made it show him Millie. When she picked it up, she looked annoyed. "This is the eighth time since she woke up. What do you want now?"

"I was just making sure everything was going okay. Is she still doing alright?"

"Yes, fine."

"Is she eating lunch?"

"We're working on that right now. Are you lot about done with the decorations?"

"Yes, we're the same as done with the sanctuary and I'm working on the foyer. The others are working on the courtyard, and then we'll go to the ballroom."

"I'm still bringing her to the church at half two."

"We'll be ready, don't worry," James assured her.

"How can I keep from it?"

James rolled his eyes and shut the mirror off. He had more important things to do than mess with Millie. Arranging those tulips in the vase was one of them.

_Evans-Potter Household _

_1:30 p.m._

"Ready to see our dresses?" Millie asked. Their hair and makeup was done, but so far, Lily was still completely in the dark as to what any part of her wedding would look like. She hadn't even seen the flowers Millie had picked up yet.

"I'm dying."

With a lot of ceremony and giggling the two girls unzipped the garment bags from the dress shop Lily had been by just the evening before. Millie put on her dress first, and Lily nearly began crying. It was just like she had imagined; it was a knee-length, long-sleeved burgundy satin dress with a boat neckline trimmed in the same dark velvet that comprised the sash. Millie wouldn't allow Lily to see her dress as she put it on away from a mirror, and when she finally got to see her wedding gown, she felt tears well up in her eyes. "It's the one I saw in the window."

Throughout the whole day, Lily had been apprehensive. Could James really get this right? He knew very little about Christmas and even less about weddings. She had been overreacting when she said she didn't want to get married, but she wasn't so sure she wanted to elope so soon. When she turned to see her reflection, her anxiety slid away. It was perfect. The dress was the perfect winter dress because the fabric was made of heavy satin, but the illusion sleeves made it pretty instead of stuffy. The skirt was full and was pulled up in flounces along the bottom to reveal a gold underskirt. It was stunning, the dress of her dreams.

"Ready for your bouquet?"

"It can't be better than this," Lily murmured, but followed Millie downstairs to the box of flowers. She pulled out the bouquet, and handed it to Lily. It was, curiously enough, arranged out of white tulips with red tips. The stems were left bare and neatly tripped at the bottom. They were secured with a gold ribbon with several small glass snowflake ornaments handing from it.

"That's your something old. My mum bought them her first Christmas on her own for her tree. They were cheap, but pretty, so you can keep them, if you want."

"I love them. They're gorgeous. Did you pick out the flowers?"

"Surprisingly enough, James even handled that. I didn't know he had it in him."

"I didn't either," she said wonderingly. Apparently James had some sort of secret wedding-planning personality. For somebody who claimed he had never been to a wedding where the people actually liked each other, this was a rather large step.

"Let's go downstairs and take some pictures with the tree and outside. You've got to have loads of photos. Maybe we should get a snack while we're at it."

"I've already eaten four cookies today. I'll go into a diabetic rage shortly because I can't digest all of it as it is."

"You will be embarrassed if your stomach starts rumbling during the ceremony."

"Fine, let's take some pictures and eat some cookies."

_St George's_

_2:20 p.m._

"Do I look alright?" James asked nervously. He tugged at his tie and then at his jacket in an attempt to get it aligned more accurately.

"That red really brings out the color of your eyes."

"I still think we should have gone with green to match Lily's eyes."

Sirius made gagging noises at his friend. "That is revolting. Nobody cares if the groom's tie matches the bride's eyes. I have a hard time believing you are still James Potter. Do you just let her lead you along like a pet?"

"I do not let her lead me along," James said defensively. "We discuss things. She didn't lead me along today! Besides, she is a very good leader when she does lead."

"Whatever. I like her all the same, but I do regret that you're rushing into this. I didn't have the chance to throw a bachelor party."

"Yet another good reason for rushing into it."

"I don't see why you don't want to go out with me and the others more. Lily doesn't mind. She thinks it's fun to be home alone, or she goes with her friends. She does have friends other than you, you know."

"I don't think you're supposed to be talking to me about this before my wedding, Sirius. You're supposed to be telling me how happy I'll be and how great she is and what a lovely life we'll have together," James said rather testily. He was really wishing he hadn't got dressed so early. He couldn't sit down for risk of creasing his pants.

"We both know she's the best and you'll be disgustingly happy together. It's time to move on to a new topic. Millie should be here any time with our boutonnieres. I'm going to go check. You really should do something about those bags under your eyes. You look like an old man robbing the cradle." Sirius left the room, and James tried to remedy his appearance.

Sirius was happy for James, he truly was. All day long he had been excited to work this hard for two people as great as them, _but_ he felt just a little sad and left out. Triads were always awkward relationships. His friend was moving onto something without him, something he couldn't be part of. All the same, though, Sirius was going to do all he could to make this day great for James. He knocked on the door to the room Lily and Millie would be in, and he was surprised to hear them already inside.

"Who is it?" Millie called.

"Sirius."

"Oh." Millie abruptly opened the door and sidled out. "What do you want?"

"Can I come in?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Can't see Lily before the wedding."

"That's James, Millie. I'm not marrying Sirius."

"We could switch things up if you wanted, though, Lils," he said, and forced his way past Millie. "So, do you have the flowers for James and me?"

Lily handed Sirius the two tulips wrapped in cellophane.

"Nervous yet? James is so paranoid I'll be surprised if he doesn't run out there and start making last minute adjustments to the decorations."

"I am kind of nervous, actually," Lily admitted, "mainly because I don't know what to expect. I've never even been to a magical wedding. Mrs. Potter has gone over it a hundred times with me, but hearing her describe it isn't the same as seeing it. Besides, I have a tendency to tune her out after a minute or two."

"Most people don't last a whole minute," Sirius laughed, and sat down across from Lily at a small dinette set under a window. "It's kind of funny to think that you'll be Mrs. Potter now. Kind of comical, really."

"Thanks for allaying all of my fears and apprehensions."

"That is what the best man is for, you know. Whenever you're doing your bouquet toss, could you perhaps keep it away from any young woman I might consider dating?"

"I will be sure to aim it at the ugliest girl in the room, Sirius, just for you."

"I'm glad; I was a bit worried. I'm happy we've got things all worked out now. You look really nice, by the way. The leafy stuff in your hair is a nice touch; do you suppose I should tuck some in James's to match?"

The leafy stuff in question was holly leaves. "If you put anything in his hair, it'll look like he's been sleeping in a forest."

"Good point. I'm supposed to give this to you while I'm here. It's your something new, courtesy of James." Sirius gave Lily a small, flat jewelry box. She opened in and couldn't help but smile. Inside was a delicate crystal snowflake on a gold chain. After he clasped it around her neck, Sirius glanced at his watched and whistled, "Nineteen minutes until you become Mrs. Potter. I better go make sure James hasn't clawed his way out of the room yet and perhaps administer a sedative. You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but he's wound tighter than a clock today."

"Why's that?"

"He's determined this will be perfect for you. He doesn't want you to regret marrying him."

"He is such a dolt. Tell him to stop worrying. I love everything I've seen."

"I'll tell him, but you know what a worrywart he is. He has asked be about the rings eight times since I picked them up."

"Rings? You have the rings? Can I see?" Lily asked eagerly, jumping up to meet Sirius at the door.

"Definitely not, Miss Evans. You can ogle it all you want once you're Mrs. Potter, but for now, it's my secret. I helped James pick it out, you know. He was being a sissy about it, and I had to step in."

"You're scaring her; get out of here, Sirius," Millie said forcefully, and physically removed Sirius from the room. "See you in fifteen minutes."

"Don't be late, you two. James will probably go into cardiac arrest or pop a blood vein or something." The door was slammed in his face. Sirius went back to the room with James, only to find the groom being sick in the washroom. "I _told_ you to stop worrying!"

"Shut up!"

More retching noises.

"I also told you not to eat that fish."

"I also told you to shut up!" James came out of the loo a few minutes later, cleaned up, and looking annoyed. "Whichever of you who did the shrubbery outside just wadded up the leftover lights and through them behind it. Did you think nobody would notice?"

"Is that what has got you so worked up? The _lights_? What is _wrong_ with you? I never knew you were such a control freak. You do realize Lily probably won't even notice half the stuff we've done."

"It's the thought that counts," James said firmly, and smoothed his coat in the mirror again. "You still have the rings, right?"

"That's number nine. Would you relax? You're going to make me sick."

Sirius was tucking the tulip in James's buttonhole a few minutes later when he said quietly, "I'm happy for you, Prongs. I'm happy you're finally happy. I wish we could all find somebody like her."

After the uncharacteristically emotional moment between the two friends, James tried to smile to break the tension. "You know, I knew I had to marry her when I realized she was the first girl that any of us went out with that we all liked."

Sirius laughed. "She was the first! Go figure. Wait till you see her. You'll probably cry."

"I'm not going to cry."

"Whatever. Millie's not looking so bad herself. You're a pretty good stylist. I didn't know you were so multi-faceted. Healer by day, wedding planner, stylist, florist, jeweler, and decorator by night."

"I am pretty talented. Look, it's time. Mirror Millie to let her know we're going."

After Sirius did that, he and James went down stairs and walked in the side door that led them to the altar. The thirty five guests all looked at him and Sirius expectantly, and then went back to chatting over the cheerful Christmas carols being sung by the group of Victorian carolers in the choir's balcony.

James wiped his palms on his pants and surveyed the scene. The decorations actually looked really nice. It was difficult to comprehend that the entire wedding was going to be pulled off with only nineteen hours of preparation. His mother appeared to have the same thoughts because she kept turning around to stare dazedly at her surroundings.

"On the bright side," Sirius said quietly, leaning towards James, "You haven't eaten anything recently."

"Can you tell I'm nervous?"

"Your eye is twitching and you're fiddling with whatever's in your pocket. What's in your pocket?"

"Some money, breath mints, wire cutters, and antacids."

"I can't believe you charmed your pockets on your wedding day. Do I even want to know what you're going to do with Lily that requires wire cutters?"

"It's in case something goes wrong with the decorations!"

"I see. Oh! Look! We're starting. Deep breath. You look great. Exhale."

_St. George's_

_Three o'clock p.m. _

"Ready, Lily?" Millie asked quietly.

"Yeah, let's go."

"I love you, Lily!" Millie threw her arms around her friend for a tight hug before placing something in Lily's hands. "There's your something borrowed. We both know what's blue." Millie tucked her hands in the white muff in lieu of a bouquet, and sauntered through the doors and down the aisle to the tune of the dance scene from The Nutcracker.

Looking down, Lily laughed when she saw that the object was a hairpin with a horseshoe on it. Millie had 'borrowed' it from Petunia years ago when she was visiting the Evans' house. When she tucked it in her hair, Lily became suddenly sober at the realization none of her family would be in that church. She momentarily felt like crying at the thought of walking down the aisle without her family there watching her, but it was something she had reconciled with early in the planning process. It was a fact of her life now.

The doors opened again, and as Lily moved in front of them for her first view of the sanctuary, Tchaikovsky's march began playing instead of the more traditional Lohengrin. That was perfect. She gripped her bouquet a bit tighter and stepped through the doors. Lily immediately glanced to the altar to spot James standing with a nervous stiffness. Instantly, she smiled, and a second later, he returned with a grin and a wink.

During her walk between the pews, she took in the scene of the ceremony. Most surprisingly, there were about three dozen people, all dressed in red or green. James's parents and friends, Lily's friends, some of their dorm mates from Hogwarts, a couple teachers, and a few new friends from work in addition to their dates created a hefty number.

Amazingly, the church was decorated so perfectly Lily doubted she would change anything. There were three tall, slender evergreen trees along each of the two side walls, decorated in gold ribbon and tapers. In addition, the gold and white candles glowing in the windows lent a rosy glow to the whole church. Greenery intertwined with tiny strands of red beads and wide gold and white striped ribbon draped along the edge of the ceiling. On each pew was a wreath with a bow and ribbon the same shade as Millie's dress. Looking down, Lily saw the runner was white with an embankment of very real looking snow on each side. Glancing ahead again, she saw that James was standing in front of an arbor covered with evergreen branches and decorated with gold, white, and burgundy ribbons. Near him was Father Hilshire, the same priest that had married Vernon and Petunia.

Meeting James's eyes again, Lily knew her smile must be huge, but she couldn't control herself. This was precisely what she had always dreamed of.

The Muggle ceremony wasn't the traditional Catholic rites that Petunia and Vernon had used, because Lily wasn't the most avid Catholic, and James wasn't the most avid anything, but the priest used the same Bible verses, Ecclesiastics 3:1-8 and homily he had for her sister.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak: a time for love, and a time for hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven."

Now, Lily didn't feel all that far from the rest of her family. She wished they were there in the front row instead of Amos and his family. The comforting words reminded her so much of her family, she felt it must be a good sign. The words weren't so comforting though, when she looked away from Father Hilshire to James. They seemed exciting, like a burning promise of things to come that only he could show her.

"Now is a time for a wedding. James and Lily have invited us here today to share in the celebration of their wedding. We come together, not to mark the start of a relationship but to recognize a bond that already exists. This marriage is one expression of the many varieties of love. Love is one, though its expressions are infinite.

It is fitting to speak briefly about love. We live in a world of joy and fear and search for meaning and strength in the seeming disorder. We discover the truest guideline to our quest when we realize love in all its magnitudes. Love is the eternal force of life. Love is the force that allows us to face fear and uncertainty with courage. But, you must "be of love a little more careful than of anything." For the giving of yourself in love is difficult: you must learn to give of your love without total submission of yourself. Therefore, in your giving, give your joy, your sadness, your interest, your understanding, and your knowledge–all expressions that make up life. But in this giving, remember to preserve yourself–your integrity, your individuality. This is the challenge of love within marriage."

Lily glanced over to see Millie smiling slightly, and then met James's eyes again. The intensity of his gaze startled her.

"James, do you come before this gathering of friends and family to proclaim your love and devotion for Lily? Do you promise to respect her, and to care for her during times of joy and hardship? Do you commit yourself to share your feelings of happiness and sadness? Do you pledge to remain faithful to her?"

"I do."

When Lily affirmed the same, she felt James squeeze her hand.

Father Hilshire asked Sirius for the rings, which he produced, and continued, "Creator, Savior, Loving Spirit, bless this couple who have committed themselves to each other in marriage and have come seeking your blessing. Surrounded by their families and friends, may they feel encircled by your love as well as theirs. Assure them of your presence in days of joy like this one and in days of sorrow, pain, and bereavement. Strengthen their relationship through all the tests of adversity and brighten it with a generous measure of happiness. Bless these rings, to be a sign of the vows by which this man and this woman have bound themselves to each other; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. James, take the ring and place it on Lily's left hand. Repeat after me: With this ring I seal the commitment I have made to you here today, may you wear it proudly as my wife."

Looking down, Lily saw that both of their hands were shaking as he slid the ring onto her finger. That was also when the tears began building up in her eyes. She quickly dashed them away before placing a ring on James's hand, saying, "With this ring I seal the commitment I have made to you here today, may you wear it proudly as my husband."

"May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring, and may life grant you also patience, tolerance, and understanding. May you always need one another - not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you know your fullness. May you want one another, but not out of lack. May you entice one another, but not compel one another. May you succeed in all important ways with one another, and not fail in the little graces. If you have quarrels that push you apart, may both of you hope to have good sense enough to take the first step back. May you enter into the mystery which is the awareness of one another's presence - no more physical than spiritual, warm and near when you are side by side, and warm and near when you are in separate rooms or even distant cities. May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy. May you have love, and may you find it loving one another. By the authority of God and country, I pronounce you husband and wife; you may kiss the bride."

James and Lily kissed through the applause, but when they separated, the priest was already gone, and in his place was a jolly looking man in burgundy robes. How appropriate.

"We will now begin the magical portion of the ceremony to join James Potter and Lily Evans as husband and wife. I feel we can dispense with many of the portions and use just the necessities. Mr. Black, do you have the wands?"

Sirius removed James's and Lily's wands from a box behind the greenery.

The deputy minister made the wands levitate in an x. "We will now have the saying of the vows. James, take Lily's right hand in yours and make your promise to her.

James took her hand and met her eyes, and with a slight smile, said, "I pledge to you my life to always be your partner and friend. As I have given you my hand to hold, so I have given you my life to keep. I vow to make my home forever in your heart. Entreat me not to leave you or to return from following after you, for where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay, and where you die, I will die and there I will be buried. May the powers of magic do with me and more if anything but death parts you from me."

"Lily, take your hand in James's and make your promise to him."

Lily gripped James's hand, and she felt a moment of panic because she didn't know what to say. Then, the same words James had said flooded her mind, and she was able to say them as smoothly as he, just as Emmaline had promised.

The official began the next part of the ceremony, "Magic is a great gift we have been given, one we guard cautiously. Our wands are the symbol of our talents and skills. James, Lily, each of you remove your own wand, then, saying your vows, please exchange them."

Lily lifted her wand and said in unison with James, "I came to this place alone, but I will walk from it at your side. Because Where there has been cold, you have brought warmth;  
where my life was dark, you have brought light these things I promise I will do. I vow to treasure what is true so that I may touch whom I embrace. I vow to make your terrors few, and then with you those demons face. And now, as we make one of two, a passage we cannot retrace, these things I promise I will do."

The two of them exchanged wands.

"And now, as a symbol of your new shared life together, light the candle before you."

Lily and James touched each others' wands to the candle suspended in front of them. When they were finished, they gave Millie the wands. Instructing them to face their friends, the officiator decreed, "Behold, husband and wife!"

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved,  
loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves.  
Victor Hugo

A/N: Impressively long chapter for me, no? I have to give credit where credit is due. I know nothing about weddings, and I got much of the ceremony material from and but I did tweak them a bit.


	33. The Very Best

At those words, Lily stared at James in a dazed fashion. She was having a very hard time comprehending she had just married him. For reassurance she turned to the Ministry official, just to see him smiling benignly. Lily twisted slightly to see Millie making odd gestures. Having decided she definitely missed something, she peered over James's shoulder to see Sirius mouth very clearly 'kiss him'.

Lily glanced quickly to the audience and saw them all watching with expectation. Deciding Sirius was the most helpful, she looked back to him. Sirius was patting his stomach and after a moment Lily made out the word portkey. Lily decided she wasn't getting very far with this particular quest for knowledge, so she shrugged, took a step closer, wrapped her arms around her husband, and kissed him. Before Lily even had a chance to contemplate what she was going to do next, she felt the tell-tale tugging at her navel indicating portkey transportation.

Before she knew it, they were both in the sitting room at James's parents' home, nearly drowning in her voluminous skirts. "Well. That was quite a kiss."

"The portkey would only work if you kissed me instead of the other way around. I suppose we should have mentioned that before the ceremony," James explained. "The magical ceremony traditionally ends when the bride kisses the groom."

Lily stared up at the painted vaulted ceiling and asked, "Did we really just get married?"

"Yes."

"I can't believe it."

"Me neither."

"Do you regret it?"

"Definitely not."

"Me neither."

Silence.

"James? How did you get that whole thing arranged so quickly?" Lily swiveled on the small settee and propped her elbow on the back of it.

"I was desperate. You know how you hear stories about women moving big stones without magic when their kids are trapped? It was sort of like that."

"Oh. I am very glad you did it. The whole thing was perfect; it was my dream wedding."

"I figured you would either love it or hate it. I was worried."

"It was brilliant, Potter. Absolutely brilliant." Lily leaned across the small sofa to straddle him. She lovingly ran her fingertips along his jaw and through his hair. "I can't even describe how much I loved it, love you. How much I adore you for this."

"I'm always open to your best try."

Lily was giving it just that when Sirius abruptly slammed into the elegant room. He just as quickly backed out, shut the door again, and began knocking pleasantly against the frame. "Can I come in?"

Sirius could only hear the loud rustling of Lily's dress and a few murmurs before James yelled, "What do you want?"

Sirius cautiously opened the door a crack before entering the room. "I was just looking for you two. Everybody's waiting to begin supper for you."

"Supper?" Lily questioned.

Sirius found himself looking away, trying his best not to make too fine a point on what he obviously interrupted. "A lot of people had to go home since it is Christmas Eve, but the most important ones are here. Dinner, wedding cake, nothing fancy."

It was a miniscule affair compared to Petunia's grand reception, but it was cozy, and perfect for a Christmas Eve wedding. James's mother didn't have much to say; she was apparently even more dazed than Lily. They had a lovely supper, and Lily was sure the food was delicious, but she couldn't taste the difference between fried Christmas trees and eggnog. The handcrafted clock told her it lasted nearly two hours, but it felt like just a few minutes. Their friends giggled and pointed at the two of them occasionally, but Lily was pretty much left to her own devices. James was at his most gregarious with Sirius, Remus, and Peter next to him. Millie, on the bride's other side, sat quietly, obviously in her own private, hellish nightmare. Her best friend, after all, had just married the spawn of the devil.

James and Sirius paused in their ebullience for Sirius to give his traditional best man's toast. Instead of the drunken ramble Lily half expected, Sirius simply stood up and raised his glass, saying, "To Mr. and Mrs. Potter, James and Lily, may you have a long, wonderful lifetime together. You two deserve all the happiness in the world."

It was simple and perfect enough to bring tears to Lily's eyes. When she turned to clink glasses with James he echoed the sentiment, "I hope I never again have to know the world without you."

It was forty five minutes later that the guests formed a receiving line to wish the bride and groom goodbye. By the time Lily reached the end of the emotional line, tears were falling freely down her cheeks. Remus had kissed her cheek and said, "James is seldom agreeable, but I know you two will be happy. Don't give up."

Peter had awkwardly hugged her and murmured, "Congratulations and best of luck. You'll need it."

Sirius had hugged her tightly and whispered, "Take care of him. You're the only one who can break his darkness."

The elder Mr. and Mrs. Potter were at the end of the line. Mr. Potter also kissed her cheek and told her seriously, "James may not believe it, but in my heart, you two are my son and daughter."

Mrs. Potter was the last, and she grasped Lily in a nearly brutal embrace. "I love you for loving my son. I am indebted eternally."

"It isn't such a chore, really."

"That's what makes it even more remarkable."

"Nobody can call you the remarkable Miss Evans anymore," James said after kissing his mother goodbye. Looking down at Lily, he brushed her lips lightly, then directed, "Apparate to the park. I want to show you something."

That something ended up being their street. Their house was one of the dozens of beautifully decorated homes on the street. Since there was no traffic, the two of them strolled down the middle of the street, absorbing the festive scene. "It's gorgeous."

"I thought so. I noticed it last night and I knew you would love it."

"You know James," Lily commented, slipping an arm around his waist, "I think you may be getting the hang of this Christmas thing."

"Just think how good I'll be a hundred Christmases from now."

"We'll be the doddering couple the Muggle children think are crazy lunatics for the huge array of holiday decorations."

"Only you would be thrilled by that. Here we are. I believe I read somewhere it is a Muggle tradition for the groom to carry the bride over the threshold."

"Oh, really? Will you be following through with that?"

"I was toying with the idea," James revealed, leaning against the doorjamb. Lily mimicked him, crossing her arms.

"It would be terribly romantic, you know."

"Would it?"

"I may even kiss you when we get inside?"

"It sounds like we should definitely give it a try then."

"If we don't like it, you could always drop me. Of course, then, I may not be so inclined to kiss you."

"I don't see any other choice. I will most certainly have to carry you." James opened the front door and lifted Lily into his arms. "Did I tell you how staggeringly beautiful you are today?"

"Not in those words, no. Was I?"

"The most beautiful bride in the history of brides."

"That sounds biased, but you're entitled to be a little prejudiced today." When Lily looked away from him, she gasped at the sight of their house. The outside was pretty amazing, but this was awe-inspiring. The decorations she put up were nothing compared to this. Garland and white fairy lights had been put on almost every available surface, and they provided the only light in the house. "Holy Honeydukes. I have never seen anything this gorgeous before."

"Really, Lily, are you digging for compliments?" James asked wryly, still holding her.

"Who did this?"

"One of my parents' house elves."

As they stared at each other in the warm glow of the lights, both were thinking the other had never looked so beautiful, and both thought it was impossible to be any happier than they were right then.

When Lily woke up on Christmas morning, she looked straight into James's hazel eyes. She had become accustomed to him watching her while she slept, so she wasn't surprised. "Hmmm, what time is it?"

"Time for you to stop setting alarms every morning."

"I sat it as soon as I got up yesterday, remember? For Christmas morn – oh!"

"Yes, oh."

"Is everybody still coming this morning?" Lily asked, already rolling off the other side of the bed. Before James even had a chance to answer, she was dressed in her special Christmas morning pajamas.

"I wish they weren't, but I'm sure the leeches we call friends and family will wander our way."

Lily laughed and threw the holiday pajamas she had chosen for him at him. "I hope you speak of me in such a flattering way."

"I'll let you know once I put these on. I can't believe you bought me Christmas pajamas." James looked down at the flannel outfit with Father Christmas's sleigh flying around the legs and Rudolph's nose lighting up. "I just hope they don't look as dorky as yours."

Lily looked down in disbelief at her green pajamas with dancing gingerbread. "Is there something wrong with these?"

"You look like a demented baker."

She made a sound of disgust and abruptly jerked the blankets off the bed. "How about you give them a try?"

"You know, I'm not exceptionally experienced with this sort of thing, but I am actually pretty sure we're not supposed to be discussing nerdy Christmas sleepwear the morning after our wedding night."

"I guess that means we're unique." Lily walked around to his side to kiss him. "You're parents are probably downstairs. You should probably get dressed."

"Ugh! Way to kill the mood, Lily. I guess we can't really tell them to leave, but there is always the honeymoon."

Lily immediately pounced on this little tidbit. "Are we even having a honeymoon?"

James laughed and started putting on the pajamas pants. "Of course. We're leaving tonight."

"We _are_?"

"Yeah. Mother's house-elf has already got everything you'll need packed."

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see when we get there. You know, there is no way I'm wearing this." He held up the button up top to the outfit.

"Whatever. You can't just say I'll find out. You _have _to tell me, James." Lily grabbed both of his shoulders to draw him down to her eye level. "Seriously. I can't handle the wait. I'll probably die."

"Venice."

"_WHAT_? _Venice_! You are the greatest! Are you serious? My Mum's family lives there. Are we really?"

"Actually, yes. Sirius and Senior arranged most of it, but it was my idea," he said modestly.

"Oh, my…wow. Wow. I can't believe this. Yes!" Lily screamed, and threw her arms around James.

"Are you going to be alright?"

"I am better than alright. I am shocked. James, you are a certifiable genius. I don't want you to think I can be bribed with trips or anything, but I _really_ love you right now."

"So I gather. I'm glad you're so excited. So, do you want to skip the family thing, then?"

"Definitely not. We cannot just _skip_ Christmas."

"Sure we can. We'll just stay up here and ignore them," James said reasonably.

"Nobody ignores Sirius for long. He'll be up here by noon. I got you a really cool present, anyway."

"Are you trying to bribe me to see my parents?"

"I wouldn't do that…exactly."

"Let's go and get this over with. At least the parents are supposed to be bringing dinner. I won't have to eat whatever you try to pass off as food."

"You are impossible."

"It is so hard to take you seriously when you are wearing clothing with dancing gingerbread. Really difficult."

Lily sniggered, "You're the one with Father Christmas flying up your leg."

James slung an arm around her shoulder and said, "Point taken."

Christmas morning with James's parents and the Marauders went surprisingly well. Nobody argued, and Remus was the only person to throw food, and that was only when Sirius requested a roll. For Lily, it was like rediscovering Christmas after the previous year's fiasco. For James, it was like a perfect, storybook holiday.

A/N: I am SO sorry that took so long. I was planning on including the honeymoon, but something important happens in that, and I only have an hour before I leave for my trip, and I don't want to rush it. I plan to have this finished before August 20th, when I leave for college. I think I'll just finish it before I update THR again. Only three chapters left!


	34. The Healing Powers of Ice Cream

Lily didn't even have a chance to slide into the post-Christmas blues, because she spent Christmas night enjoying the brisk breeze on the canal. Each successive night for the next week was spent in the same manner. She and James could prop their feet up on the railing of the balcony outside of their room and observe the marine traffic of the wide ribbon of water that snaked along just in front of their hotel. During the days, they visited locations in both the magical and Muggle parts of the city. They went through museums, parks, and gelato stands and a slow pace, and the best part of it all was that they did it together. There was nobody to interrupt, nobody to break that dream in the first six days. Great things were built in six days, and the two of them should have followed in the tradition of resting on the seventh if they wanted a normal vacation, because that was when their wedding trip took a very unexpected turn. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but it definitely wasn't a conductor of high passion or tender romance.

In fact, when Lily was being held at knifepoint on the last full day of her wedding trip, she probably would have described it as a real wet blanket on the whole affair. Standing in a nasty alley with a knife to her throat was not her idea of a good time. The situation had started out innocently enough. She and James had split up when he went to pick up some sandwiches to stave off their imminent starvation, and they planned on meeting at a particular bench in a local park they had marked as their favorite. Lily had wandered in the general direction, and about five minutes into the trip, she thought she spotted James sitting in an alley. Entirely confused, she called out to him and started in the dank place. In retrospect, James Potter would almost never be sitting in a dirty alley, but hindsight is twenty twenty.

The man stood up, and Lily immediately recognized it wasn't actually her husband, but the similarity was remarkable, so she didn't retreat. The next thing she knew, a knife was to her throat, and she was actually pretty curious as to how she was going to get out of this little mess.

"You can take my purse," she offered. The key here would to be staying calm until she could reach her wand.

"Of course I can. I have a knife; I can do anything I want."

Lily paused at the sound of his voice. It was so familiar. Especially with that sarcasm. It took a second for her mind to process it, but then everything clicked into place so suddenly she gasped.

"Don't scream!"

"I won't. Have you ever been to England? Do you know a woman named Emmeline Potter?"

The man tightened the knife against her skin slightly. "How do you know?"

"I'm your daughter-in-law," Lily said, taking a big chance and knowing it. She was immediately shoved from the man and thrown against the stucco wall opposite them. Breathing rapidly, she stared at man across from her, and observed James's father. Of all the weird coincidences, what were the chances of her encountering him here? The resemblance was unmistakable. Their hair was the exact same shade of nearly black and their features were nearly identical.

The man cursed in Italian before turning to her and speaking in accented English, "That is impossible."

"Did you sleep with Emmeline Potter?"

The man's eyes narrowed, so Lily quickly continued, "She had a baby and he looks just like you. Look, I have a picture." She fumbled in her purse for a picture of James, and at the same time drew out her wand. "Now. Drop your knife."

He did so without hesitation and stared warily at her.

"What is your name? Who are you? Why are you here?"

"I am Vincenzo Albertini. I visited England as market researcher for a company, and I met Emmeline at a dinner party. We had an affair."

"Are you a wizard then?"

Vincenzo withdrew his wand from the dirty folds of his coat and pointed it at Lily. "Yes. Are you a witch, then?"

"Yes. Why are you a beggar?"

"I'm not. This is part of my job."

"What kind of job do you have that requires you to lurk in an alley?"

"One that puts you in danger for seeing me, Lily. I suggest you run back to James as fast as you can."

"_How_ do you know our names? Are you a Death Eater?" Lily asked, and tightened her grip on her wand. She felt much safer being accosted by a homeless Muggle.

"Run, Lily, run, before it's too late." Vincenzo flicked his wand and the walls began crumbling and cracking. She took his warning very seriously and sidled out of the alley, not knowing which way her back would be safe. She looked one last time, and he gave her a mocking wave before he disappeared.

Trying to pretend nothing out of the ordinary had just happened, Lily walked toward the bench in the park as fast as she could without drawing attention. Her mind was racing so quickly she thought her head might explode by the time she got to the park. James was already waiting for her, sandwiches in hand.

"Did you get lost or some – What in the hell happened to you?" He dropped the food to touch the red mark on her throat. "Are you okay? What happened? Lily!"

"I think you should sit down, James. I'm fine. Stop worrying about me." By the time Lily finished relating the whole story to James, his face was slack with disbelief.

"Do you think this means he is in with something dodgy?"

"I assume so, but I don't know for sure. I suppose there's an equally good chance that he's one of the good guys doing something undercover. When I get back to work, I'll search databases to see if he's listed. We can always ask Dumbledore, too. I don't know, though. Maybe we should ask your mother. Now that we know who he is, she might give us some fill in information."

"No. I don't want to tell them I know, not yet, anyway. I don't want to tell anyone. Well, Sirius, we can tell."

"What about Remus and Peter?"

"No, not even them. The less that know the better."

"Alright, it's your father we're talking about. Maybe madness runs in the family."

"You aren't so great at the whole joke thing, are you?"

"Who said I was trying to be funny?"

Lily and James both had to pick up their respective career training the next day, putting a stopper on their honeymoon.

After extensive cajolery, Albus Dumbledore revealed that Vincenzo Albertini was part of Italy's defense team, and consequently, one of the good guys.

In August, both Lily and James were able to begin plying their skills as career professionals instead of trainees. James began working at St. Mungo's in the emergency center while Lily began her work as a Hit Witch.

Neither came home satisfied with their jobs. James was disgusted with the corruption and double standards of the hospital and Lily was frustrated that she performed at the same level as the Aurors but was denied the title.

Amos and Millie and Lily drifted apart over the months while Lily became more and more entangled with the Marauders. It was something she couldn't help. It started as declining an invitation in order to help Remus and Sirius work on a potion and evolved into owling each other only in moments of extreme boredom.

In fact, by November, a month that ended up being fraught with high drama, Lily considered her closest friend to be Remus Lupin. He was, in her opinion, the perfect best friend. He wasn't as moody as James but more serious than Sirius. They had similar interests and they got along well. It was helpful that he wasn't a girl, because when they fought, it was much milder than any argument she had ever been in with Millie. Perhaps most importantly in cementing their friendship, Remus needed her. It was the middle of the month that Lily found him in his shabby flat that she realized how much he needed her. He was lying on the couch surrounded by piles of garbage, books, and food. He appeared not to have bathed for several days. His hair had needed a trim two weeks ago, and now it was sadly mangy and stringy. When she saw gnats swarming a bowl of pudding, she knew it was her job to step in. She pulled out her wand and got to work, opening curtains, disposing of rubbish, removing stains, repairing broken items, and washing clothes for Remus. Lily did all of this without saying a word until she approached him with a pair of scissors. Then, she only said, "Sit up so I can cut your hair," and charmed the scissors to snap around his head for an even cut. When he was cleaned up, she sat a tray with sandwiches in front of him. "Spill it, Lupin."

"I told her. She hates me now."

Lily flopped onto the couch beside him and put her arm around his shoulder. "When did you tell her? Maybe she needs some time to adjust. Aubrey's a great witch."

"Three days ago, and I haven't heard a word from her."

Lily wasn't entirely certain what she should do. She had one relationship success, making her percentage twenty five percent. She wasn't exactly a romance guru. Remus and Aubrey had been dating for nearly two years, so this was a rather large failure for him. As far as Lily knew, it was his only serious relationship. "You threw a big stick at her, Remus; it may take her a while to get it between her teeth."

"That is the worst analogy I have ever heard. How long could it take her, really, Lily? When James told you about the blokes being animagis, you took it right in stride, after you called him a fat liar. You had been dating for ages, plus you were engaged."

"I possess an unflappable demeanor, not to mention you become a while animal with little control over yourself."

"Are you trying to make me feel worse? It is working."

"I'm trying to put this in perspective. She probably felt shocked and scared and hurt and betrayed all at once. It could take her a long time before she comes to term with you being a werewolf, and you have to wait awhile. Give her a couple days, and try talking to her again and take it from there. In the mean time, you've got to scrape yourself up off the floor. Remus, nobody will want to kiss you the way you smell right now."

Remus couldn't help it when the corner of his mouth twitched upward slightly.

"It'll probably rub off on me and James'll make me sleep in the street, or at his parents'."

"Or he'll hop in the shower with you."

"How about you hop in the shower and then eat dinner with us tonight. It's Indian night at the hospital cafeteria, and he's bringing home takeout."

"You are the only people I know who actually bring cafeteria food home."

"It's much better than the alternative."

They both fell silent and stared out the window, observing the dreary view of an overgrown yard. After a moment, Lily became aware of Remus staring at her. "What now?"

"James told me how his parents called you The Remarkable Miss Evans for a long time. I'm inclined to say you're The Remarkable Mrs. Potter now."

"That's sweet, Remus. Just wait and see; everything will work out in time. Almost every story ends in happily ever after, and you deserve it as much as the next person. Give it a little time."

"Do you believe that? That everything will work out alright in the end?"

"I have to. What would be the point in getting up in the morning and expecting a life that will never get any better?"

"That would be okay for you. You have a perfect life with James. Well, at least you're happy together."

"It will happen for you too, Remus. Here's my philosophy. You shouldn't expect to spend your life with the perfect person. You should expect to spend it with someone whom you like and trust and respect. Somewhere along the way, you'll realize that they are perfect for you. If you can't find that person, you have to make your own situation a good one. Find something you love, and most importantly, make sure you love yourself. That's what's most important."

"Easy for you to say."

"Remember, there was a time when I was alone and unhappy, and I started digging myself out. I just happened to encounter James along the way. Maybe you'll run across somebody too."

"Maybe I will."

"That's the spirit. James will be home at eight, but I need some help rearranging furniture if you need something to do."

"I'll be there."

"Good."

A week and a half later, the experimental laboratory Aubrey worked as was demolished by a band of Voldemort's supporters. When The Daily Prophet ran the article, Remus found out The Death Eaters chose that lab in particular because it was doing preliminary research on potions to lessen the effects of the full moon on werewolves. Remus would never know how Aubrey felt actually felt about him.

Just a few days after Remus's personal disaster, Lily and James met with a moving staircase of their own. It began with Lily feeling a little off one morning, taking a pepper-up potion, and going into work. The next day, when she felt under the weather again, James decided to ply his magical medical abilities.

Lily sat on the dining room table, waiting for him to finish brewing some potions. "Are you going to tap my knees to check my reflexes?"

"Why would I do that? Is that some little Muggle trick?"

"No, I made it up."

"Ha. Alright, I'm done. Let me just swab your mouth for the first three options before we get down to business."

After scraping the inside of her mouth, he sat a cotton swab in each of the three mini cauldrons that were procedurally checked first before further treatment. They sat for a few minutes, waiting, and eating bowls of cereal. "What's your prediction?"

James shrugged, "Probably spattergroit. Oh wait, those are freckles, aren't they?"

"Do people automatically turn wonderful and caring and dashing when they don those breathtaking lime green robes?"

"Obviously. I really think it is just scrofungulus. You have all the symptoms if we could just find a discolored ring on your skin." James suddenly smiled mischievously, "When we see that these are negative for sure, we can do a thorough check."

"Are you not planning on going to work today?"

"I said I would be a couple hours late."

Lily raised her eyebrows and glanced at the pots of potion. "Well, it looks like that won't be necessary; one of them changed colors. What does that mean? I have chronic nosebleeds?"

James rose to poke at it, frowning. "I must have messed something up, let me brew a new one."

While he was doing that, Sirius came barging out of their fireplace. "You kids home?" he bellowed.

"In the kitchen," James answered.

"We're playing Healer," Lily yelled, getting chuckles from both men.

"Why aren't you at work?" Sirius asked, straddling a chair backwards.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Our offices are being fumigated. Somebody owled us a load of dung bombs. It's wretched."

"I'm sick, and James is trying to find out what's wrong with me. So far, he just screwed up a potion."

"Let's try this one. I did everything exactly right." They all began waiting again.

"I bet it's spattergroit," Sirius said.

"I have freckles, Sirius, not a disgusting fungus."

James slid off the table to go check the potion, and froze in disbelief at its color change. "Lily? What color would you call this?"

"Pink."

"Not green?"

"Not at all. What does it mean?" she asked, peering over his shoulder.

"You're pregnant."

"No, really. Stop kidding, and don't say spattergroit."

"You're pregnant."

"_What_?"

"You're pregnant."

"Oh, my God." Lily backed into the nearest chair and sat down heavily. She glanced blankly up at James. "How can I? We-I-How?"

"I guess we're the point oh one percent."

"Oh, my God."

"So, was this not planned?"

"No," they said simultaneously in equally weak voices.

Lily placed a hand on her stomach. "We're going to have a baby."

"James is going to be somebody's father?" Sirius asked blankly.

"Would you get out of here?" James asked.

"I would, except I don't think I can stand."

"I feel the same way," Lily said.

"What are you two going to do?"

"Give it to you," James said sarcastically. "Really, you're my best mate, but Sirius, this is a little personal for you to be here.

"I just meant, are you two going to keep it?"

"We can't just get rid of it. You don't want to get rid of it, do you, James?"

"Well," he said slowly. "I don't really know that I particularly want a baby, but I don't think I can get rid of it and live with myself afterward. No matter how badly this may mess us up, it'll really mess us up if we don't keep it."

"Exactly," Lily nodded. Then she hit her forehead on the table. "Anybody got a good curse for right now?"

"Bloody hell in a baby bonnet?" Sirius asked.

"Would you _leave_? You are not helping us at all."

"Merlin's beard! I can see when I'm not wanted." Sirius disapparated loudly, obviously in a display of his temper.

James and Lily stared at each other over the table. "Well," Lily said, "we are going to have a baby."

"Yep. Are you scared?"

"Yep. You?"

"Bloody terrified."

"I don't suppose there's a chance your potion was wrong."

"Very little. You should probably go get checked out, and they will verify it."

"My quarterly physical at the department is next week. I'll do it then."

They were both quiet for a few minutes before Lily stood up and rounded the table to sit in his lap. She tucked her face against his neck and whispered, "We're not ready for this."

"No, but we'll get ready. Everything will turn out alright, Lily. You'll see."

She smiled, "Aren't you the optimist?"

"One of us has to be. I love you."

"I love you, too, but I'm scared. Of everything."

"We'll get everything worked out, and you'll be fine. Come on, you have a brilliant Healer at your command at all times. Let's go to Florean's and get some ice cream. Everything looks better when you're eating ice cream."

"The only problem is you eventually reach the end of the bowl."

"Then we'll get another one."

A/N: This is almost an updating record for me. I think this is actually only going to have one more chapter. Maybe not, though. I guess I'll find out. I'm excited to be almost finished, and shocked it'll actually be done before July 16.


	35. When Dawn Breaks the Night

A/N: This is the last chapter. Aww. It's sad to be ending, but I'm glad.

Chapter Thirty Five - When Dawn Breaks the Night

Lily's pregnancy was confirmed the next week, and suddenly her life took a very sharp turn. Her field assignments were drastically reduced despite the ever-growing need for aurors and hit witches. Lily Evans-Potter became a paper pusher. Sirius's unplanned visits to her desk grew with her abdomen, and she suspected it was at James's request.

James was the image male worrywart during her pregnancy. Despite being a fully-trained Healer who obviously knew trillions of women before her had successfully bore children, he was a frantic, nervous wreck. Take out was a thing in the distant past, because now, they ate according to a nutritional chart. Since neither of them cooked, they hired one of their neighbors to cook a week's worth of meals at a time. Both of them could handle a simple warming spell.

In Lily's opinion, James was being obsessive about this baby. He may not have been thrilled with the impending arrival of Little Potter, as Peter began calling the growing lump on Lily's midsection, but by Merlin, Lily was going to come through this healthier than she had been in her whole life. He even drew up an exercise regimentation. The boys sniggered behind their hands every time they walked by the wall plastered with schedules, charts, and rules of things she could and couldn't do, but she followed them, albeit reluctantly and with much grumbling.

James's parents were excited, shocked, and wary about grandchildren. Wary, mainly because they had no idea how James would react. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all also excited, shocked and wary. A kid to corrupt would be cool, of course, but what exactly would it do to their friendship and social life? Millie was just shocked and wary, not asking questions, and looking close to passing out. Lily couldn't bring herself to tell either Amos or Petunia.

James and Lily spent the first month of her pregnancy in a state of disbelief and thinly veiled horror. Neither of them knew quite what to do or how to react, and as a result, were scared out of their minds. Lily was scared she was going to die, and James was scared Lily would either die or ignore him once she had the baby. He wasn't sure which would be worse.

He wasn't a hard person to swing to the other side, though. Once Lily finally came to terms with Little Potter, she decided she was looking forward to the baby. True, given her druthers, she would have waited a few years, but anything could happen in a few years. They may not have a few years. James could get hit by the Knight Bus or something. Better now than later in things like this, she though, and began reading parenting books. When James saw that Lily was actually happy about the baby, he rapidly fell in tune with her.

At least outwardly.

Everybody saw the two of them as an eager young couple anticipating the birth of their first child with all the excitement such an even deserved. They began looking for a larger house and planning what they would do once he or she was born. James would smile sheepishly, duck his head, or blush when somebody ribbed him about his upcoming fatherhood, all for the benefit of Lily.

The only person who saw through it.

Really, on the inside, he was screaming, tearing his hair out, and crying all at the same time because he didn't know what to do or what would happen. He was happy with things the way they were, and he was frightened a baby would change things. How could another person who would be living with them for the next eleven years _not_ change things? For the first time in his life, he had thought things were going the way they were supposed to, until _this_ happened. Who was he trying to fool? He would be a pitiful father. He was barely a fit human.

Lily did her best to assure him everything would be fine. They would both just have to learn as they went. It didn't work, and as the months went by, all that happened was that they both worked themselves into a panicked, frenzied mess.

Their second Christmas together, James wrote the first of his Christmas letters to his wife. Just like all the following letters, he tucked this first one in the bottom of his desk, saving them for something he didn't know.

_My Lily,_

_You're mine, and I'm so glad of it. We've had an amazing year, and I know it's only the beginning of an amazing life. I know in my heart that without you, I couldn't be me. I'm happier than I have ever been, and I love you more than I thought I could ever love another person._

_Since we were married, you have shown me all the beautiful things in the world. You've shown me how life is supposed to be. When I am with you, I feel like I can be a good person. I can forget the pain of the past and feel only the joy of the present and the expectation of the future. I don't think I could continue without you. You have become everything to me. I only have eyes to see you as you smile and move and I only have ears to hear your beautiful voice. I only have hands to touch you and make sure you're truly with me._

_We're going to have a baby in a few months. I'm terribly excited and terribly scared. I know you want a baby with all of your heart, and I want whatever makes you happy, but I'm scared it will change things between us. It will be hard for me to be second. I'm sure I love it, though, because it's part of you. _

_Most importantly, we'll be there to be its parents and make sure he or she is a good person. I don't think you could raise a child any differently. You're that wonderful._

_With all that I am,_

_James_

* * *

By the time she was closing her second trimester in February, they both could feel their marriage unraveling. Before, they could both be found watching the clock, waiting to go home and do something with each other and their friends. Now, it with anxiety and trepidation, they faced each other every evening and every morning. It was hard to pinpoint the day when their comfortable silence became heavy and awkward, or when their jokes started falling stale. 

It just happened.

Despite the awkwardness and tension, they loved each other, and neither of them would breathe a word or think a thought otherwise. James knew without a doubt that he would be happier with Lily, even with a baby, than without. He doubted he would be able to live without her by now. Lily never questioned her choice to marry him.

That made Lily's recall to field duty even more bittersweet than usual. James was at first outraged that she was asked to physically put herself, and then reluctantly acceptant. It was the only way he could stay sane while she was gone. The first time his friends sat at home with him while he paced, cursed, hexed them, and generally just moped.

After that, they let him take care of himself.

He slowly adapted to the evenings or very early mornings she was gone because he knew she thrived on it. He had always promised himself he would do whatever it took to make her happy, and this was apparently what made her happy, so he dealt with it.

There was something that separated James from Lily at a very base level of their character. Lily was optimistic and happy and she expected the best out of everything and everyone. James was a pessimist and merely waited for the next disaster to occur.

In his pessimist's mind, he knew his life couldn't possibly end happily ever after. It was only a matter of time until something happened, so each evening it was a relief to fall asleep next to her and a surprise to wake up in the same place.

The pessimist's mind is very rarely let down forever.

One April evening, James came home to find Lily buttoning up the top of her night camouflage uniform.

"I'm glad you got here. I was beginning to think you wouldn't make it before I had to leave," Lily said as she approached him.

James felt like crying. She was too young, too beautiful, too clever, and too kind to be doing this. "What fool's errand are they sending you on tonight?"

"There's no telling knowing the Ministry. All I know right now is that it will only succeed if we finish before daybreak, so I'll be home in plenty of time for our trip to the diner." She watched him as she pulled her hair back and fastened it with an elastic band.

He watched her, memorizing every movement. "Don't go."

She grinned briefly, "James, I have to; it's my job. This is my last one, though."

"You said that last time."

"I mean it tonight. I'm beginning to get too pregnant for this. I love it, though."

"Just be careful. Will Sirius be on this one with you?"

"Yes. It's great when he goes; he's hilarious. He can make us all see the humor in our situation when we're soaked and hungry dodging curses. Sometimes it's easy to tell you two have been friends for ages, because he says something that sounds exactly what you would say. I've got to go. I'll be back by dawn. I love you."

Lily momentarily threw herself in his arms, breathing in his vanilla-y scent.

"Love you too."

With a jaunty wave, she disapparated, leaving James standing alone in the bedroom.

A feeling of unease haunted him the rest of the evening. He tried to act normally, even going out for a drink with Peter, but the anxiety was a dogged companion that could not be shaken. He tried to blame the emotion on the fact that she hadn't been on a mission in nearly a month, but neither he nor Peter bought it. Tonight was different somehow

Before crawling into bed late that night, he stared sightlessly into the dark in hopes of gaining some sort of insight. With a tightness in his chest and a pit in his stomach, he set the alarm for early the next morning. He wanted to be awake when she came home.

The alarm went of at five, and James went about his morning normally. He showered and dressed, ate some cereal, and sat down to read The Daily Prophet. The only difference was that he did this in the living room opposite a window facing east, instead of in the kitchen with Lily. He read through the daily disasters, the social announcements, and the shop ads. He read the paper front to back, word for word, and then reread some of the more interesting articles. Then, he meticulously refolded the paper and sat it aside, gripped the arms of the chair, and waited for the sunrise.

It was a slow process, a sunrise was. The dark, pitch black of night was slowly pushed away. The first star was extinguished, followed by the rest of its friends. At a maddeningly slow pace, the sun peeped over the horizon. Finally, it made its full appearance, like a battle fought long and hard. The dawn had finally broken the night.

James felt his stomach sink and his throat close. Tears began burning at his eyes. Before he entirely fell apart, he tried talking some sense into himself. The mission couldn't succeed past dawn, but there might have been a problem and they all had to go into to fill out reports. One of her friends may have been hurt, or Lily could even have some sort of injury, and lines were always long.

Determined to wait it out, James used the fireplace to let the hospital know he wouldn't be there today. That announcement was met with protests because of a large amount of Aurors needing treatment, but sick days were his luxury to take when necessary. He resigned himself to the eastward facing chair and watched the sun climb higher in the sky, inching its way toward its zenith.

At about ten, Sirius apparated into the room with apparent enthusiasm. "Hey! How did Lily like trip we had last night? I don't know how she could sleep afterward; I am wired. Bloody awesome, I say."

"Have you seen Lily, Sirius?" James asked anxiously, rising from the chair.

"What do you mean?"

"She hasn't come home. She said she'd be back before dawn."

"Listen, don't panic yet. I saw her when the two flanks converge along about midnight, and she was fine then. I'm going to go back to the office and check and see what her status is. She's probably being healed in a hospital or detained for questioning somewhere. Don't move; I'll be right back." Sirius left just as quickly as he came, only he left James an even bigger wreck.

It was three fourths of an hour before he came back, and Sirius looked harried and worried. "That place is a mess up there. I didn't realize this because I was sent to a coordinating location, but somebody seriously fucked up this morning. After the fighting was over, all of our guys left, leaving the injured behind. The medics and back ups took too long to get there, and Voldemort's people came back immediately to finished off the wounded or stunned. There's record of only a few people because everybody is running around up there. They're trying to get everybody sorted and located, but it could take awhile."

"So what do I do?"

"Go check your hospital. She might be there, and God help her if she is. I'm going out to the field and help out there. Take your mirror. I'll tell you if I find anything. We're going to get her, don't worry."

Both of them left quickly to their respective tasks, and neither wasted any time. James went directly to the triage area at St. Mungo's. He began going through the people waiting to be treated, and finding no success, he sat down and began reading the files.

"First you call in sick and now you're here reading files? Stop fucking around, Potter," somebody griped as they saw him.

James wasn't one to be deterred today. He began following his colleague. "Have you seen Lily? You know her, red hair, green eyes."

"Your wife?"

"Yes, her."

"Nope. Look, I don't have time for this, but I'll give everyone the word to be on the lookout for her."

"Don't!"

"Hell, I forgot. She's a Muggleborn, isn't she? I remember some people were surprised you married her. It'll be better if we don't know who she is. We should be settled down in about three hours. Come back then and go through the list of unnamed. If she has her ID on her though, she'll probably be identified." The healer was flipping through stacks of files as he talked and walked. "Does she hyphenate her name?"

"Yes."

"Make her stop. Potter's a pureblood name. Anyway, check back later; we'll know more then. It's pointless to look for anybody now." He rushed off down the corridor littered with the wounded, leaving James

Sirius, meanwhile, went back to the site of the previous night's maneuvers. After a few moments, he found his own commander. "Sir, I'm looking for somebody. Lily Potter. Or Evans, have you heard anything of her?"

"Well, hell, yes I have." The older Auror irritably flipped through a list. "Missing in Action, presumed captured, no rescue planned. We're expecting quite a hooha over the way we left this morning."

"How many other people are presumed captured with no planned rescue?"

"About half a dozen. We had sixty people killed out here early this morning. We can't lose any more on this mission. It was supposed to be simple."

"You're going to leave that woman alone with Voldemort and his Death Eaters?" Sirius asked incredulously. "She is someone's wife, someone's sister. She is pregnant!"

"She knew the risks. We don't know where she is and we can't waste any more manpower or time to find her. We have to spend all we've got fighting this guy; we don't have time to rescue a stray female."

Sirius was taken aback. It was like Lily was a kitten stuck up in a tree.

"That's why we don't want women in the program."

"I was under the impression we need every wand we can get. She worked as hard as any man, and you're not going to try to save her?"

"Exactly. Maybe it'll scare some of the other skirts out of here."

"You _bastard_!" Sirius growled, pushing his superior. "What the fuck are you thinking? She is a person!"

"So is the man I would have to send in there to save her. I suggest you back off before you lose your job. Besides the fact that she was only a Hit-Witch, she was a Muggle-born. I would be knee deep in shit by noon if I sent a single Pureblood after her."

"I'll go."

"No, you won't. You'll go to the office and complete some paperwork, Black. Now."

Sirius sneered, "Today's my day off. I'll go help her husband find her." He walked briskly around the area until he found Frank Longbottom, another Auror. "Hey, Frank. What would you do if they let Alice go on a mission, she was captured, and then told them they wouldn't help you find her because she was a woman?"

"Bloody well find her myself. Why, who'd you lose?" Frank rose from his examination of a corpse.

"Lily Potter was taken last night. She's my best-friend's wife. I've got to find her."

"I'll let you know, Black, if I hear anything about her. We've gone though nearly all the bodies by now. You sure she was captured?"

"That's what the list says."

"Screw the list. Most of these Aurors are under-paid, burned out half-wits who don't give a tinker's damn about our fight. It's a useless program right now. If I learn anything about her, I'll let you know right away, but I don't have time to help right now. I am swamped. If you figure out where she's at, though, tell me. That could be some useful information."

Sirius felt defeated, "There's no way to find her, is there?"

"I've learned one thing from Alice: Women are trickier, craftier, tougher than we give them credit for. Alice told me she saw Lily training a few times, and she also told me our girl here is good at her job. Give it a little time. Give her a chance to rescue herself."

When Sirius and James met up in the living room, both felt dejected and lost. "What next?" Sirius asked.

"I was hoping you could tell me."

"We need somebody to help us. We need connections and money. You know what that means, right?"

"Get a job?"

"Talk to Dumbledore and your parents."

"I'm too old to run to either of them," James sighed, leaning his face in his hands.

"If you want Lily back, do it immediately. Time is of the essence. Every minute she's not here, she's with the Death Eaters." James looked so horrified that Sirius immediately regretted his words. "We'll get her though. Come on, let's move."

James's parents immediately threw themselves into the Lily effort. It hadn't taken long for the red-head to cement her way into the life of all the Potters, and they were very resentful of her being taken. Likewise, Dumbledore was more than willing to help, but he didn't seem as confident as everyone else. He was the only one to point out the logical assertion that if she was with Voldemort, it would be nearly impossible to find her, because, after all, nobody had been able to ambush him in his lair yet, had they? They had unexpected help from a member of the Department of Mysteries. Harold Croaker, an old friend of James's and a big fan of Lily's, started in on the search after James Senior waved a bag of galleons under the official's nose.

James didn't go to work for the first week she was missing; instead, he spent nearly all of his time corresponding with others in an attempt to locate Lily. When Sirius or Remus or Peter insisted he take a break, he merely paced restlessly around his house. With an almost robotic determination, he muddled through each day trying to figure out where Lily was.

His time was measured in days. He dreaded each morning because it was the most painful part. Waking up each morning became agonizing because he would suddenly be drenched in his memories of Lily and the suffocating fear he would never find her again. He felt like part of him was lost. Then, he would get out of the bed, shower, and begin trying to find Lily again.

James's friends rapidly became frightened for him because of his new schedule. He rarely ate, slept even less, had no hobby, and basically dedicated his life to Lily. That was scary because Lily was no longer there. When his leave ran out at St. Mungo's, he quit, and decided he would begin at another hospital when Lily came back. He had no expenses, so he didn't need an income. Sirius was similarly running himself ragged in order to find her, so Remus decided to step in by randomly swinging in on James.

When August rolled in without even a clue, Remus and Peter tried to persuade James to give up. There was very little chance she could be found alive after that long. Sirius and James had vehemently struck that idea down. They both continued looking.

In November, James began decorating for Christmas as if nothing were amiss. He started writing her letters to read when she got back. Everybody questioned his sanity at that point.

He wrote his second Christmas letter, again secreted away:

_To my darling wife, wherever you are,_

_I can't find you. I spend all of my days searching for you and still I haven't found you. I cry in desolation every night and I feel my hope crack a little more every day. I pray to your God everyday to bring you back to me. I need you so much._

_I put up the Christmas decorations like you always did. It hurt me so much to do it, but I did. Every ornament and every piece of garland cut me a little more, but our house is waiting for you. If only you would be there when I walk into the living room, I would give anything._

_Sometimes I think I see you. One time I thought you were in the big chair in the living room reading a book, but it wasn't you. When I see red hair anyplace, I stop breathing for a second and I feel a leap of excitement until I see it's not you. _

_I need you, I need you, I need you. Please come home._

_Remus and Peter want me to stop looking, but Sirius is still there. He believes with me. Maybe he just knows how badly I need to believe. I think I would shatter if I lost all hope you were returning. Don't let me shatter, Lily. I love you. I wish I had told you that more. I hope you know how deeply I love you, and I hope it gives you the strength to come home. _

_Please return to me. I love you desperately,_

_James_

After the holidays, Sirius joined the crowd of people urging James to move past Lily. Part of James knew that he did have to move on, but mostly, he just wanted to mourn his lost chance at a wonderful life and remember what he once had.

* * *

The next Christmas, James wrote again. This time, the letter wasn't of love, instead it was filled with bitterness and hate. 

_Where are you Lily? How could you leave me like this? _

_I love you and I need you. Why didn't you stay home that night? Why did you say you'd take that mission? Anybody else could have gone. WHY? _

_Nobody believes you're coming back, including me. I wish you would, though. How I wish. Too bad it will not come true. _

_Everyone thinks your dead, but I don't. I have had to bear knowing you won't return, but I cannot live a life without you in this world. I know you're somewhere and you can't come back to me. Where are you, Lily? I would crawl across nails and walk through fire fight dragons without my wand to get to you. _

_Why do you believe in God? How could you? We're just a bunch of ignorant humans on earth left to muddle through this mess on our own. Everyone's just screwing it up, too._

_You may not be able to tell, but the world is a filthy, terrible place. Nobody is kind. Nobody cares for anyone else. One group hates another. People are killing each other and betraying each other. Our world is not a good one. If there is a God, he would not have taken you from me. He wouldn't take the only thing good left in this world. He couldn't remove the only person who knows how to love with no exceptions and care with every part of them. _

_I live in an empty home and I have an empty heart. When you left, the life fled both._

_I will always love you,_

_James_

* * *

When Christmas came around again, it was the darkest point in James's life. He had come undone. He no longer saw beauty or happiness or glory or cleverness. He only saw the pain and hate and emptiness left in his world. The magical evening of his wedding anniversary, he sent the guys home and got thoroughly foxed on his own. He continued his tradition of letters. 

_Lily,_

_I know you're out there. I know I love you. I know you love me. I don't know why this is happening. I can't live without you. It's too hard. It's too scary here all alone. If you can't come back to me, let me come to you. _

_James. _

* * *

Christmas 1978 

_Dear Lily,_

_I can't stand life without you. I hate being me. _

_I got married. Her name is Penelope, and I shouldn't have done it. I was thinking about you one day. I was looking at the cafe you and I liked to eat at inMuggle London, and I started crying. I wasn't paying attention, and I stepped out in front of a car. _

_It hurt._

_Penelope was there and she apparated me to St. Mungo's and she took care of me. I told her about you and she kept bringing me food and tea. When I left the hospital she kept checking on me at our house. I still don't know how it happened, but we got married a few months ago. _

_So here I am. We would be married four years yesterday. Penny and I don't have a Christmas tree. We're not even celebrating. Right before I fall asleep and a second after I wake up it's easy to pretend it's you there instead of her, and then reality comes crashing in like all of Hogwarts falling on me. She doesn't smile or laugh like you. She doesn't put her hand on my face and treat me like I'm perfect. I don't even know if she loves me. I don't love her. I told you I would never get married without being in love, and I meant it until you. You made me feel emotions I didn't know exist, and you loved me with a depth and honesty I will never know again. I thought even a drop of that would make me feel better, and I suppose it's better than being alone with just my memories of you. Barely. I sold the home you and I shared together, but I kept all of your things. _

_One time I thought I wanted children with Penny, but now I am so glad she said no. She'll keep saying no. I couldn't bear to have a son or daughter running about without any of you in them. I wish I had our baby. At least then I could see green eyes look at me or see a flash of red hair running through the house. I would always wonder what our child would have looked like._

_It's not fair that I finally had something good, and then it was ripped from me. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I had never met you, and then I wouldn't know how life could be. Then I realize I wouldn't trade my memories of you for anything. At night I fall asleep with you in my mind. _

_I used to be angry for you for leaving, but I know you didn't do it on purpose. You loved me as much as I loved you. At least I had some time with you. I'll always carry my memories of you with me, and I'll cherish and protect them with my last breath. _

_I can't let you go. _

_I hope wherever you are, you are warm and safe. I pray you aren't hurting, and I hope you are at least a little happy. Don't lose yourself. _

_Always remember I love you, James._

Five months before the letter was written, the darkest day of James's life was lived. On an unusually bright Saturday morning, he banished the last box of his belongings to the new flat and murmured _nox_ to extinguish the lights in the house. The new owners of the little house in Grantham would be moving in the next day to create memories of their own.

James had felt a tightness of his chest as he looked around the house one last time, breathed deeply to try to catch Lily's lingering scent.

"James, you ready?" The lovely blonde woman popped her head around the doorway.

"Yeah, Penelope, let's go."

James followed her out the door, and although he stepped into the burning sunlight, he had never felt so cold. He was turning his back on the only light he had ever known, and plunging himself straight into the deepest darkest he could imagine. His new world would be without Lily.

_White roads I walk with vacant mind,_

_White cloud-shapes round me drifting slow,_

_White lilies waving in the wind—_

_And darkness everywhere I go._

Joseph Campbell

_**The End**_


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